| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 10:29:18 AM | | Love and Peace wrote " Saying "no chemistry" is just as much of a cop-out as the silent treatment...Just be honest: "Sorry, but your weird toenails freaked me out", or "Your breath smells like my cat's litterbox." Then there was the guy who was so persistant I finally had to tell him that he had a booger in his left nostril when we met, and I just couldn't get the picture out of my head!! Telling them what grossed you out may help them out the next time they go on a date...or send them to therapy for years and years." This is one of the truest things ive read in a while, i like these forums because of honest opinions and observations! In all honesty, the forum is the best thing about PoF, but the ladies are nice, also :)......... | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 10:31:24 AM | I don't always agree with the silent treatment but I TOTALLY can see why it occurs. If more people would understand that the dating process involves meeting some people that just aren't going to be interested, and they were ok with being told that, there would be no reason for it. What is it Greg Behrendt said? It all doesn't work until you get to the right person. A very small percentage of people are confident enough to be happy they got closure and move on to the next date/meeting.
Instead a lot of people take it too personally, and either want to know why (which is just, I don't know - irrelevant; no one owes you a detailed explanation) which opens you up to them telling you they can change it which makes no sense, or they resort to calling you names because they don't like what they heard. If you deal with that enough times, you start thinking it would be better not to invite someone to do either of those things, and you don't contact them. | |
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| The Silent Treatment is for kids!!!
Posted: 5/20/2007 10:48:02 AM | | The silent treatment hurts way more then telling the truth......Youve been going out with this guy for 3 to a year , everything is well you go out you do the deed, you have fun and then he tells you he loves you his way what the f is that supposed to mean?? Everything is peachy even after saying the L word wich he always said ( I never mentioned it) a monthlater- then NADA you get the silent treatment....uugghh that completly sucks, and theres not a man or woman brave enough to let you know its over that all these great a** times where just seasonal. Silent treatment??? GROW UP say it, get over with it and lets move on. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 11:01:52 AM | its been my experience after some years of online chatting in other settings that if the two people involved in making meetings are up front with each other and keep the perspective that "hey, this may not end up in a romantic relationship for any number of reasons, but i dont mind staying friends with this person if thats what comes of it", people wouldnt end in being put in ignore land. you were friends of some kind to start with, why write them off completely because there was no chemistry. can never have too many friends...
the other side of this is, no matter how nice or rational the thinking is behind your explaination, people who dont take critism well will "blow up" on ya anyway, expect it..also expect if the person was a friend of any kind an apology will follow... | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 11:07:22 AM | Silence is golden...
48 Laws Of Power = Robert Greene
Bestseller*
;) why feed the fire...
no need to explain there is power in the silence and
oftentimes the feeling is mutual.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 11:45:08 AM | | I prefer the silent treatment OVER a man sending me an email after meeting me to tell me what is wrong with me (nothing wrong with me, I am just not what he was looking for). Every email I have ever gotten from a man after he was not interested in me after meeting me has made him seem like a Greek god looking for some super model when he needs to grow up and realize that he is not a Greek god and he knew that I was not a super model before he met me. I have 2 words for these men..GROW UP. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 11:59:57 AM | | wouldn't it be nice if you can list that username in a database for others to see? a single place where screen names from various dating sites are listed. So if you start talking to a man online, why not go and see if he dated someone previously and they reported him to be married or on drugs etc... | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 12:08:41 PM | I don't like the silent treatment. It shows insecurity and a lack of confidence in one's self. It also may show signs of not really knowing what you want - which in of itself is a bad thing, because it means you don't really know if I'm the one for you or not, you're assuming based on a knee jerk reaction from a single encounter that may have had a few incidents which you weren't keen on.
Story Alert:
I met this one girl blind, through a chat room. We started talking and made plans to meet. We met, she was absolutely gorgeous - looked like Salt from Salt n Pepa. We basically toured San Diego for the day, and when it was done, she laid the deepest kiss on me.
Never heard from her again.
Now the ladies in here cannot tell me that was right. That's leading a guy on to believing something that really isn't the case. I mean if you're not interested, don't lead me on. I have female friends who are a little flirty, but there's never any doubt that they're not interested in me in that way. | |
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EC22
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Joined: 4/25/2007
Msg: 85 | |
| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 12:25:08 PM | People should be upfront and honest when they are no longer interested in you. After the first or second date, a detailed explanation isn't necessary. Something like "there was no connection, chemistry, or spark" is fine. If the person keeps contacting you after you told him/her that, then ignore him/her. The person who was rejected can move on quicker as well.
I don't think the silent treatment should be used just because a few people will react poorly to that. That's like saying I won't date tall women, thin women, blonde women etc because of 1 bad experience. If a person reacts poorly to being rejected, then that is a flaw in their personality or character. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 12:32:38 PM | | Maybe I am just more perceptive than some other people, but if a man is interested in me I seem to know it after meeting him, and even when they have said they would call I knew the ones who would and the ones who were just saying that and would not follow through. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 12:48:14 PM | | There have been many many posts on here about women who tried to decline gracefully with some sort of explanation and the men got exceedingly rude and vulgar. I think fade away and ignore is the best policy. Men are into what they want when they want it. They are not into polite and respectful explanations - yours or theirs. | |
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dpd22
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 88 | |
| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 1:07:34 PM |
There have been many many posts on here about women who tried to decline gracefully with some sort of explanation and the men got exceedingly rude and vulgar. I think fade away and ignore is the best policy. Men are into what they want when they want it. They are not into polite and respectful explanations - yours or theirs.
I disagree. You are generalizing all men. Like some others have said, you can always ignore him after you stated that you are no longer interested. Some men could get mad that you ignored them instead of being upfront/honest and send you rude emails and phone messages because of that. I doubt that EVERY woman here receives a LARGE amount of rude emails. | |
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mizbex
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Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 89 | |
| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 2:43:13 PM | | OK, so you go on a date, it is not there for you but it is for them. You have met this person, therefore it is now personal, it's not like you have just e-mailed back and forth. If this person calls upon you again, you should have the common courtesy to respond to them and tell them why you don't think you are a match. The silent treatment is immature and if you do tell someone in a nice way why you are not interested and they go ballistic, well at least you did your part and acted like a grown up. How they respond to your rejection is on them. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 3:11:39 PM |
you should have the common courtesy to respond to them and tell them why you don't think you are a match. The silent treatment is immature Unfortunately Mizbex, people who do the "disappearing" act are immature and therefore are incapable of understanding their overall lack of character. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/20/2007 3:44:48 PM | | I would absolutely rather be told EXACTLY what it is about me that doesn't do it for her, rather than be ignored. I have no problem whatsoever with being told I'm ugly, or they hate country music or they refuse to give up their evening glass of wine...whatever the case. I would rather have the brutal, honest, bare naked truth of someone's opinion, provided I ask for it. This is never an attempt to sell myself after initially being told "no". Rejection is fine, acceptance is grand, but being ignored just sucks. Do NOT lead me on, do NOT imply that there is hope when there is none. I'm a grown man, full of self-esteem, and I can handle it. Jeremy | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/22/2007 4:57:43 AM | MasterShadowJax wrote: "wouldn't it be nice if you can list that username in a database for others to see? a single place where screen names from various dating sites are listed. So if you start talking to a man online, why not go and see if he dated someone previously and they reported him to be married or on drugs etc... "
There is a place like that! I used to have the URL for it but I don't know where it is now. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/27/2007 6:36:17 PM | What is it with the silent treatment?
If I did that to a woman, do you think they would like it?
I had someone avoid me, and when I asked her about it, she just said "Nothing".
I ended up avoiding her.
Now its like an iceberg or a volcano, when we're in the same room together.
Being straight is so much easier.
On, and Astreaa, you have such a cheeky smile. Love it. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/27/2007 6:55:48 PM | I dont agree with silent treatments. It's immature. Initially if someone isnt 100% flooded with infatuation in someone, they should talk about how they feel and what they'd like to do to make things more fun. This shouldn't be done before 3 dates are up.
If that doesnt work, and its honestly been tried for more than 15 minutes, then a simple "I just dont think its going to work out" would suffice. No explanation needed, although it would be nice.
I tell you, by giving the silent treatment to someone at the first sign of imperfection, you are passing up a LOT of really good opportunities.
Some people I would still like to talk to even without a "relationship", whats wrong wtih meeting people and getting to know them anyway?? | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/27/2007 7:54:12 PM |
What is it with the silent treatment? If I did that to a woman, do you think they would like it?
Many women in this thread and others have said that they'd much rather not get a response than to get a "not interested" e-mail. So yes, for a lot of women they'd either like it or they wouldn't really notice it enough to care. These are complete strangers and initial e-mails, not measures of our self worth. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/27/2007 9:16:00 PM | No matter how vile someone may seem to you, he/she has the right to know it ain't gonna fly. They don't necessarily have to know why, so if details are demanded, simply repeat "I'm sorry. Take care." .. and then cut off all contact.
Doing the silent treatment, hoping the person 'gets the hint' is just mean and cowardly.
Tell the truth, then bow out. At that point, if they get rude and aggressive, it's perfectly appropriate to block them.
Let them have closure.
Leaving them to wonder if it's their fault is really cruel, and it could impact their next effort to connect. Why have that on your conscience?
I presume there's SOME caring or you wouldn't feel so guilty about hurting them .. so care enough to do the compassionate thing.
------ as for myself: I always appreciate an honest refusal rather than nothing at all. I took time to think about my message, and I think the least he could do is acknowledge the compliment, which I think too many people forget... it IS.
Wanting to know somebody better is flattering! Please don't treat it like a nuisance UNLESS/UNTIL it actually IS because of the behaviour of that person, not simply the lone fact they are not your type.
I often get the sense I'm being ignored because the person I wrote to reacted to me as if I were insulting him by thinking he'd actually want to speak to me.
This is how it can come across.
I don't write many guys at all, so when I do, it's because I think something is really nice about him. Most of the time his profile turns out to be a lie, based on the way he has just treated me ~~ someone he has judged as being unacceptable, undesirable, unattractive, and not worth answering. If he did the gentlemanly thing by saying 'thanks but I don't think we're compatible, good luck.. ', and I became obnoxious, THEN he should by all means pay no further attention, since at that point I've displayed ugly behaviour. By the way, it's not a personal rant about my anger. It's a general peeve about the lack of etiquette I've seen on so many of these sites.
Really, what do you gain by coldly dismissing someone who thought enough of your profile to want a closer look? Doesn't it make more sense to go by what a person DOES, rather than what, at this point, you only think they ARE?
The true mark of character is, to me, how we treat those who don't matter to us. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/28/2007 5:39:35 AM | | Hey Lilac! Strephis didn't direct the comment at YOU----it was for that Astreaa chick how acts like a princess with her nonsensical posts here concerning how she thinks men should behave towards her. Your post and follow ups were fine!! | |
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Dawn67
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Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 100 | |
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