| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/28/2007 6:33:02 AM | I so agree, but if their not man or woman enough to tell u whats up they were not worth knowin !!
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I do so agree and it's a great thread as I can't believe how many people have been through this !!!!!! but it's still hurtfull and immature | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 5/28/2007 6:56:30 AM | I think it just depends on the reason and how you explain it. Me, I always believe in being tactful, nice, and softening the blow, if you will. If women did that to some men, i would be a lot better, but I think that women assume that men dont have feelings so if they do decide to say anything, they'll just tell them in a rather blunt fashion.
But anyway, it also depends on the reason. If it's something simple, I can try to explain it. If it's something that just can't really be said without hurting their feelings, you can either give them the silent treatment or just come up with some generic junk (it's not you, it's me, I have issues, etc. etc.)
In short, try not to leave people hanging and wondering (especially if it's something they might really need to know for future reference) unless you absolutely have to. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 7/31/2007 6:55:11 AM | | I think it's just rude to suddenly stop communication especially if the other person did not say anything offending. It takes les than a minute to send a final email or message but it differentiates people who are courteous from those who have no manners. When it comes to questions about situations like this, my thought is always... what if the situation was reversed?.... How would I have wanted to be treated?... and then the answer comes very quickly and easily ! :) | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 7/31/2007 7:16:33 AM | | I strongly disagree that the silent treatment is the best way. Please explain first, and then if they persist it is fine to ignore them. I have corresponded with 4 different men...making it clear it was just to be friendly. We met each other playing backgammon, and I enjoyed hearing from them. The first one WAS single and living in Colorado and we talked and wrote for over a year. Suddenly, it stopped. I have not idea why..he probably found a girlfriend and that is fine...but let me know I won't be hearing from him again. The second was a GAY man in Texas! We wrote to each other once or twice a month. Suddenly...nothing again. I see him online so I know he is living, but he does not respond to my IM's or posts. The third was also single, but lived in Scotland. Again, suddenly nothing. The fourth guy was married in NJ and we wrote and spoke to each other several times a week. He did say he had some personal things going on and wouldn't be online for a bit, but I know he is online...even continues to play back gammon, but will not answer my posts. I was very worried about him for a while, as I thought his health was a problem. No, he is just a coward and refuses to say..."hey..this isn't working for me anymore. " I would much rather have my feelings hurt for a few days than constantly wonder or worry about someone. Guys like to hide and avoid rather than being honest and upfront. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 7/31/2007 4:52:32 PM | The silent treatment is the answer for the cowardly. Sorry but true.
I have had meet and greets and after it was all over and I got online, I immediately said, you were very nice, I had a good time but I don't think that we click.
Good luck to you in your search. I hope you find what you are looking for.
There is a nice, polite way to let someone know that you appreciate the fact that you met and shared some time together without crushing them or being a jerk about it.
What is so hard about that? Grow a spine for god's sake lol it's not that hard.
You will be respected for the truth and admonished for not having any courtesy.
Just my 2 cents. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 7/31/2007 6:14:02 PM | The silent treatment is always an easier brush-off for the one giving it. Not always nice for the one receiving it. Speaking from my experiences, whether I gave it or someone gave it to me, whether it was a man or a woman, if a complete psycho-nutcase that made the elephant man look handsome was giving it, the other person feels a sigh of relief. Apart from that, it does their heads in. Try getting a load of other people to do it to you. You'll soon stop wanting to talk to ANYONE, in case someone else does it to you.
If you are honest with others, then they will be honest with you, and then players will be comfortable to tell you if they want sex, or more. It helps to be honest.
Have some guts. It hurts to be honest, because people will be honest with you back. That is why people are expected to have tact and diplomacy. The art of being honest in a way that makes people feel good. It's a skill. It's worth learning. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 7/31/2007 7:11:22 PM | I despise the Silent treatment..I think it is a very immature way of not communicating..I know a man that uses this with me and he knows I hate it and does it just to tick me off... Little does he know that each time he pulls this childish crap he pushes me away further and further..He totally refuses to talk about anything...especially when it is not something that is in his favor...Not someone I want in my life.Either explain yourself or get the H*ll away from me.. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/17/2007 11:22:27 AM | Be courteous! I tactfully telling the person why I do not want to see them.
I want to know the truth so I can then use the information to correct something that I did not realize bothered other people.
Example... If I am seeing a woman that chews her food with her mouth open, I'll politely say " You should try chewing your food with your mouth closed, some may accidentally get on other peoples food"
Example... If I'm seeing a woman who laffs like a Jack Ass... You know what I'm talking about .. hahahaha and inhaling backs that HEEEEEE sound, I'm going to telling her. " I'm glad you like to laugh and enjoy yourself but I can't tolerate that sort of laugh.. I'm sure there are some guys who like it but unless it can be changed I have to wish you best of luck " | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/17/2007 5:55:07 PM | | I once got a black rose the next day after telling someone there was no chemistry. But telling someone after a few dates is freeing. Another date breathed a sigh of relief after I said it because she wasn't feeling it either. And now I must say it again. We've been going out andon paper she's great. Looks, BRAINS, good job, a little baggage but we've all got that. But that spark is not there. I don't think about her every waking moment and won't settle for less. NOT telling her is tantamount to a big lie to myself and her and frees both of us - early on - to look for someone else that will create that spark. No chemistry is an honest thing. She's great on paper, I just don't read that one. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/29/2007 2:51:41 PM | I'd definitely want to know that he's not interested in seeing me a second time - and the sooner the better! The silent treatment is disrespectful, confusing, and above all, still leaves room for hope....
Afford me the courtesy of being honest and allow me to move onward and upward! | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:33:58 PM | I agree with the poster who said it is a form of abuse, it happens too often, probably due to the convenience factor of the internet, after all- it's not like you have to face a real human being.. and for the most part these forums are all about-
self...
I suppose it must be executed using the same level of dispassion of abandoning a pet after the thrill has expired..
Guess that puppy just isn't as cute or fresh as it was at first - not that it does anything wrong, just some people are just into new puppies and it is always time to move on and find another puppy or something else to amuse themselves...
All in all it's just another indicator of the selfish nature of too many people today- thank God this stuff isn't real or anything.... | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:54:54 PM | The silent treatment is an awful way to deal with things. I dated a guy for over 3 months and he ended it by not telling me, letting me believe he was showing up that night, then stood me up and refused to talk to me after that. I admit I chased him a bit after that, and twice after that, he chatted me up online, made plane to see me and stood me up again! And refused to talk to me. he's on here. I know I can't say his name but his profile says things such as No time for dramaqueens, We girls are kidding ourselves, blah blah blah and the reason we're on here is that we can't get a quality date somewhere else, etc.... he lives in daytona beach, beware.
anyhow, if you met once and just fade away, taht's understandable, even forgiveable, but after dating and intimacy...it's just wrong.
Whew, I may get flamed but geesh, there's sucha thing as having morals and honor.
Good luck! (Braces herself....) | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/29/2007 9:31:12 PM | I totally agree with the new puppy syndrome thingy. LOl. I admit that I hate to break it off with a guy, but he has feelings and deserves to know the truth. But when I tell him and he shrugs me off, I have to get more and more persistant about it. But at least I have done my part. When a person cannot be honest and drags a person along, he/she is a coward or a player, one or the other. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/30/2007 6:04:55 PM | "It may depend on how long you went out. If it were several dates or months, then the other person definitely is owed the courtesy of an explanation. We are supposed be grown men and women on here and we should act that way. This isnt high school."
"I despise the Silent treatment..I think it is a very immature way of not communicating..I know a man that uses this with me and he knows I hate it and does it just to tick me off. He totally refuses to talk about anything...especially when it is not something that is in his favor."
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^^^^^^What great comments.^^^^^^^
Couldn't agree more. I find this kind of behavior completely childish as well. Especially when you have known someone for a little while then they start this little game. Please!!! It's a control game to them I think. I say you're an adult act like one and communicate as such. No one has time for immature games like that.  | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/30/2007 6:39:02 PM | Why cant you just say you dont feel the connection. Thats all thats needed - sorry I dont feel It. Not a list of what you personally find wrong with someone - as heaps of others wont even see what you see. Theres nothing wrong with anyone .. sometimes they just arnt right for us personally. But they will be for a lot of others out there.
The silent treatment after meeting Is FINE .. If they dont contact you either .. ie wait and see they may think as little of you as you did of them.. no need to send a Imagined rejection to be the first In. BUT If they dont and contact after meeting to Ignore Is Immature. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/30/2007 7:09:37 PM | I regard the silent treatment as a 'no' to relating, but some receiving it will regard it as a type of punishment and, as such, as part of an on-going relationship, albeit a hurtful one.
If I was in a relationship with someone and they gave me the silent treatment I'd walk straight out the door now - my ex's specialty was for 'sending me to Coventry' - which is what we call the silent treatment in the UK - which would result in 4 days to 2 weeks of refusal to communicate. I would have to get her to explode to break the deadlock and it would be due to something really petty I was unaware of or something I was aware of and had already apologised for days ago. She remembered tiny incidents from 10 years before that she had never mentioned and these became big things in the divorce papers.
In this context I regard the silent treatment as a form of bullying and a sign of a vindictive and untrustworthy personality.
The silent treatment as in 'not replying to someone you are not in a relationship with' , such as on POF, however is a different thing and is an individual's choice but is quite rude if you've been emailing back and forth with someone. There again, it's an early indicator of the treatment you'll get if you get into a relationship with them so maybe it's a blessing to get it early on.
I think it's also quite a condescending approach - although I do understand it if you've had a few bad reactions from people when you've told them 'no'. We're under no obligation to manage other people's emotions though so in the end it's a matter of being clear and honest with yourself and then with others. You have a right not to want to be with them but doing it in a foggy 'I'm not communicating with you' way can cause, well, confusion.
I've been working with a couple of ladies at work recently on supporting them in dealing with emotional issues at work and on the surface they'll be all positive about meeting up and then fail to turn up for an agreed meeting, then be all apologetic with no explanation given and ask to rearrange and then not turn up again. To me that's a 'silent approach' mentality at work too.
I think it's just a form of unnecessary covert lying - I'm capable of handling my emotional responses and just prefer the truth. I'd say that those using the silent treatment would be better off learning how to be assertive (not aggresive - which is the other extreme that 'silent treaters' seem to jump to) and it seems to me to be a lack of communication skills that is the real problem here. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/30/2007 7:52:35 PM | | that is just plain bad manners. it is not easy to say negative things face to face, that is why e-mail is here. no need to go into details, just a quick thank you, it was nice to meet you and i wish you all the best fishing or something to this effect. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/30/2007 8:41:21 PM | Sometimes not communicating is the strongest form of communication.
If someone calls or contacts me multiple times after a date, who I don't click with anyway, then I usually let it fade. Have had enough with a few creeps and stalkers than to encourage potential ones :)
I would rather avoid confrontation. If a guy can't take the hint that "I'm extremely busy and totally booked with work and other plans for the next month"... then we're probably not in the same place anyway. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/30/2007 9:14:49 PM | It's funny--sometimes when a person has high self-esteem, they can be perplexed by this sort of stuff. However, each time we choose to logon to an internet dating site and start clicking on stuff, we are subjecting ourselves to all the kinds that make the world go around.
Maybe the person wasn't interested in the same kind of relationship that you are and is too lazy or timid to spell it out to you. Maybe he just wanted a quickie. It's clear that your perspective on things isn't of any relevance to him. Unfortunately, this is what we can set ourselves up for and sometimes you just don't know what's going to happen until you take a chance and find out.
But because he went ballistic, I would just take it as his tactless way of letting you know that he thinks you are too good for him. Also, some control-freaky guys LOATHE it when women take the initative. His behaviour really does say more about him than it does about you. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/30/2007 9:46:23 PM | Wow, I am so glad to read that so many people feel that it is rude to stop talking or stop emailing/replying someone. In my case the guy said "I love you" on more than one occassion and then one day wouldn't answer my calls or reply to my emails. I really am glad that so many people agree that the silent treatment is rude.
If I go out with someone and we don't click, I always thank them. If they ask me for another date, I try to explain why I don't want to (if I don't that is) in a nice manner. I know sometimes they keep emailing and I have gotten real, told them the truth, but I think if I emailed them enough to agree to talk on the phone and then go out, I hope I can be friends with them. Of course the guy with the huge mole on his face and the one that ate with his mouth open, I didn't tell them that I couldn't deal with that. Sometimes distances has its advantageous. A simple, I think we live to far from each other works. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 10/30/2007 9:55:35 PM | Re: solarpanel- "The silent treatment as in 'not replying to someone you are not in a relationship with' , such as on POF, however is a different thing and is an individual's choice but is quite rude if you've been emailing back and forth with someone. There again, it's an early indicator of the treatment you'll get if you get into a relationship with them so maybe it's a blessing to get it early on."
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SO true. I have seen this many times. I agree that the earlier you begin to see this kind of poor treatment the better off you are. It saves a lot of heartache. | |
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