| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/1/2007 11:45:30 AM | -Vagabond ~
Some people's imaginations (including my own)can be less than reliable, and jumping to the worst conclusions can happen even when the silence is NOT a blowoff but was, in fact, due to unforeseen events.
If the silent treatment is used, there's no way to be sure that's actually what it is. I don't read minds, so I need to know where it's at.
it's just way easier to be silent than to hurt someone's feelings. It still *does hurt* the other's feelings. You're just not around to deal with it so I think you're saying it's easier for the one trying to get out. If the concern really is to avoid causing pain, then be honest about whose pain you're avoiding: theirs or your own?
Not trying to be harsh or judgemental, but I see this a lot and I wanted to know why people think it's sparing someone else's feelings to just disappear.
When they figure it out eventually, after worrying themselves silly -and possibly humiliating themselves by repeatedly trying to reach you and getting no answer (which is HORRIBLE), their feelings are going to be way beyond hurt, since now they've disgraced themselves by appearing desperate.
The KINDEST thing to do is just say NO right when you know it's not a match for you.
Disappearing is confusing, because how is the jiltee supposed to automatically know why?
I can take a 'no thank you', tho' I'm aware some can't.
It's just that I believe if you're going to stop interacting with another, they deserve the opportunity to collect their dignity, which is difficult to do without knowing it has to be done.
To all who would rather vanish than articulate a lack of interest:
PLEASE don't assume it will be figured out.
Circumstances happen to people, and sometimes what looks like a blowoff is *not*, so I personally don't like to think the worst of anybody.
================> SOMEWHAT of an EXAMPLE:
I once ran into that situation: I nearly didn't make a date because I missed a bus, and the person waiting for me at the other side of the ferry route didn't have a cell phone for me to let him know I'd be late. If it hadn't been for a really kind-hearted cabbie who took me over 12 miles for the measly $8 I had on me, I'd surely have appeared to flake out on my date. See, he wasn't home because he was waiting for me at the ferry terminal, miles from his house.
How would I have explained not showing up if I'd failed to get there? Would he have assumed I'd blown him off? Maybe. It would certainly have looked like I decided not to show up, and just didn't bother to say so.
Stuff happens!
Please make sure the person you're refusing is aware of it, even if you don't want to say why. At least make it definite, to clear up such potential misunderstandings.
(THEN if they get an attitude and won't let go, you can block them. )
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-GQ4U
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Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 152 | |
| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/1/2007 6:57:34 PM | LOL im not trying to justify using the silent treatment, Im just saying its the easy way out and alot of people are taught not to burn bridges.
In my situation, I started talking to this girl off a site like this, she was cool and all and sounded exactly like my x girlfriend. Anyways the same night I got her msn i was in bed talking to her on the phone....I said i was going to watch a movie at home the next day and she wanted to watch it with me.
Whatever I agreed....anyways on the phone she asked me what I wanted to do when she was there......I replied "i dunno what do u wanna do" and shes like she wants to make out. Im not used to girls being so forward but i went with the flow.
Next day about half way through the movie were doing the deed at my house lol, she threw herself at me and and i gladfully cought her lol. Anyways after she just started getting really clingy saying she loves me and stuff and its easy to tell that she didnt love me, i guess she just feels alone and needs guys company to feel good about herself.
She added me to facebook the next day and she said on her facebook that we were in a relationship and dating and that we hooked up. I freaked and took her off my friends list and blocked her. Anyways instead of telling her that i dont want a relationship with a girl who just gave it up after one day but instead I just gave her the silent treatment and she eventually moved on.
Im not proud of any of this, but situations like that make me realise why ppl give the silent treatment. I dont think its right but sometimes life isnt about being right. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/1/2007 7:37:58 PM | ^^^....and it's not like our mothers and grandmothers haven't told us (women) to avoid these types of situations.
I'm not saying that you should be proud of giving a woman the silent treatment either, but if a woman hops into bed with a man instantly, that's what she should expect. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/1/2007 7:41:08 PM |
I agree! I see nothing wrong with just letting it fade out. You don't owe anyone an explanation. I think the silent treatment is clue enough you're not interested.
The silent treatment is the easy thing to do, but I think it is rude, disrespectful, and immature. The other person can move on quicker if you are upfront with them. You don't even have to give a detailed explanation. Simply state something like that "I don't think that we are compatible". If the other person keeps bothering you, then ignore them. | |
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Nen
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Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 155 | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/2/2007 1:03:10 AM | | Yeah...the silent treatment is not a good way to let someone know you are'nt interested.Ignoring someone is worse than telling them the truth up front.At least it shows you respect them.At least be honest.If the person takes it badly then its their problem and you did the right thing.You will feel better at end of the day. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:17:33 AM | But why bother to contrive a response? I'm playing the devil's advocate here, only because I've been on the receiving end of it. If someone doesn't have respect for me, trying to get them to treat my like I do, would be much like trying to get an ape to use a cell phone properly.
In my experience, it's men who have not had a proper upbringing that engage in this behaviour and when I've seen it (on two rare occasions), I think: "Thanks for showing me what you are made of."
Silence speaks a thousand words. If we choose to play into this whole silly game of online dating (and I'm not saying it's right), then it's up to us to set our own criteria and timing.
Also, if I've only had a preliminary conversation or two with someone and decided I'm not interested, I don't necessarily tell them. If they continue to engage, I will SHOW them why we aren't compatible. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/2/2007 2:10:51 PM | | do people the way you want to be done...have the balls and the maturity to let a person know what is the status, so they don't get mislead, or have false hope. Feelings are not always mutual and we need more real, honest people in this world. Silent treatment is unacceptable. No need for a full blown out 1 hour explanation, I'm sure you can come up with a simple, short, diplomatic reason why it is a NO, so you and that person can go their seperate ways. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/2/2007 2:14:11 PM | A woman who gives it up the first date..I have to respond to that, ...
The man is giving it up on the first date too...helllloooo!
What makes the difference is that the "man" gets to label "her"
If she is cheap and sleezy for it, how is it that he ISNT?
"because he is a man" won't cut it as the reasoning...dont care who care who ya are!
Double standards...2007..........none of us should make rules for others we dont live by as well...
okay, steppin down from the soap box...lol
but this makes me  | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/2/2007 3:45:38 PM | Ooops! I hadn't had my coffee yet when I posted this morning. "trying to get them to treat my like I do" should read: "trying to get them to treat me as if they do".... (blush)
Hi Tuffgirl--My apologies, I should have been clearer. I'm definitely not saying that a man SHOULD get to label a woman for having sex on the first date. I'm not even judging the behaviour as cheap and sleazy. However, for me personally, I don't think I would feel like I was respecting myself or my body afterwards.
Yes, it is a double-standard that still happens. The reality is that many guys in 2007 believe the good girl/bad girl dicotomy and will blame the "bad girl" for their own behaviour, so they don't have to take responsibility for it. I'm not saying it's right, but it is what it is.
I guess another option is for women to bang every guy they are attracted to on a first date and see if he's progressive enough to realize that he got banged because she thought he was awesome. Personally, I don't believe the male ego has made it that far...yet; it is still a Brave New World.
I know that I can't have sex with someone unless I love them and the longer I go without it, the easier it gets. Essentially, I'm just saying that more often that not, a woman should expect the cold shoulder after a quick roll in the hay with a virtual stranger. If she needs to "get laid" for whatever reason and can do it without emotional attachment (which I can't), then let her go to town--but she should be aware of the consequences. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/2/2007 4:41:51 PM | no apology...I dont dispute that is the way it is, just cant let those comments go by without responding...
I realize the double standard exists, I live in the same world, and yes, she can expect to be treated that way.....doesnt mean she is any less moral than he... | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:34:29 AM | I wouldn't say , "I don't like you". Most of the time, it's not that I don't like them, it's the fact that there is no sexual chemistry.
I usually, politely tell them.........it's been great;but, I don't think we are a total match. I wish you luck in your search. You are a great man.
The silent treatment is very immature and rude. Now I don't think a person should be obligated to answer every new email; but, if you have gone out, at least let that person know whether you are interested or not.
Buckeye Lover | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/3/2007 1:44:09 PM | THIS IS TO THOSE WHO HONESTLY BELIEVE IT'S ACCEPTABLE TO VANISH:
I reiterate that the silent treatment is rude because it disregards the other person's right to know where they stand, and it prevents them from being able to pick up and move on with a clear conscience.
It's not necessary to explain or justify, but remember that a void finds a way to fill itself in: if you aren't clear, their minds will not grasp what you may think is hard evidence, and their imagination will run in other directions because people usually want to give the benefit of the doubt to somebody they like.
When they eventually learn (the hard way!) that they weren't actually wanted, how do you imagine they will feel? .. do you care?
Give people the courtesy of a definite stop sign. Consider it a favour to them ~ you're saving them the humiliation of anxiously seeking a reason for not hearing from you. They might worry that something bad has happened to you. It's just not a nice thing to do to them. They like you. They deserve better treatment!
Maybe you yourself don't care one way or the other, but it's unfair to expect others to be as able to detach emotionally.
It doesn't mean they're psycho if they wonder why you've disappeared without a word; it means they believed you liked them, and with nothing said to the contrary, how are they supposed to know you're not interested? Vanishing without a word is only easy on the one who does the vanishing. It does NOT spare the other person's feelings.
It's insulting to their character because it presumes that they would fly off the handle, and it hurts them to discover that someone else thought they weren't even worth the trouble to be honest.
I would wish you had a better track record than that.
It's so much more decent to simply say "I'm really sorry, we just don't have the kind of connection I'm looking for, but it was good to meet you. I wish you the best."
That said, once you've leveled with them, those who can't or won't respect your feelings are then no longer entitled to further acknowledgement of any kind. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:40:42 PM | Wize- I agree with every point you made- but there can be even a whole deeper level of disrespect and childishness with these types of personalities. I think one can save themselves a lot of grief by avoiding these types of people to begin with..
I returned home from work three years ago and found a good-bye note and loan money missing, with no explanation - just gone and no forwarding .. 5 years that meant everything to me and obviously nothing to her, she was choosing the alcohol over the relationship..
But the anguish I felt had no logical explanation, I guess she just decided that the easiest way out was to do as she probably had done in the past and clear the decks..
I am pretty sensitive to that type of behavior now, I have had a few just drop the connection so to speak, and I am not going to pursue anyone with even the slightest sniff of that type of behavior.. That is my phobia now, unfortunately this society and this forum is rife with those type of people.. and old fashioned good manners are in short supply-
If you keep lowering your own standards to accommodate poor behavior, you will end up with no worthwhile standards for yourself.. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:02:52 PM | | The silent treatment is cruel. I was dating a man for a month that I fell hard for. There was no signs what so ever that he was unhappy with me. He just dissapeared. No phone calls, no returning my text messages, he did not even have the courtsy to dump me in an email. It is like he dissapeared off the face of the earth. I find that to be cold harted. if you do not want to date someone or if you met someone else then be honest with the other person so they can have closure. not knowing what happened is driving me nuts. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:07:41 PM | | Well I agree. It is wrong to point the finger at the woman when you have sex on the first date. We all done it. We are also concenting adults. It takes two to tango so to speak. The man is just as much a willing participant as the female and is equally guilty. | |
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Nen
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Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 169 | |
| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:17:28 AM |
It's been a week now since I was first given the silent treatment, I've had one text saying he isn’t playing me and has been sent to Europe through work for a few weeks......
Then back to the silence, do I humiliate myself by waiting a few weeks to see if he gets in touch? or do I just take a deep breath and take on board what everyone has said in this thread and remind myself that Europe has telephones, email access etc?.....
I think the latter option is the right one because otherwise I rly would be a sad sap! If he gets in touch then I will cross that bridge when I get to it, not gonna hold my breath though because I don’t think it will happen, as much as I would like to eat my words if he did.
P.S .............WizeChiklet I agree with every thing you have said...
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/6/2007 3:59:24 AM | | The silent treatment is the coward's way out. It is rude, cruel, dishonest, and immature. I also shows me the person's character. I have been at the receiving end of the silent treatment, and it does hurt. You seem to be expected to read that person's mind. If someone would just disappear and leave the other person to guess, he is not the kind of person I would want in my life anyway. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 11/16/2007 5:28:35 PM | I still think the silent treatment is really rude, immature, sick, and tons of other negative adjs., but I have now come to realize that a person that can do this usually is described by those words. Perhaps they don't need friends and this is why they just stop a relationship rather than moving it into friendship mode, but I doubt it. I think it is because this person seriously has issues. Not talking or contacting the other person isn't burning bridges, it is tons worse.
I still am glad I read this thread because I really didn't know it happened to so many people so often. My heart goes out to all of those that have been mistreated in this manner, but I also know that you are better off without that person in your life. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:59:20 AM | I think the silent treatment is immature, and very mean...
I have met a couple of really nice guys on here...and after meeting had the old 'oh i will definately see you again' line, then there is NOTHING !! WTF !!
Not even a thanks but no thanks....look, im a big girl and i can handle the truth, its the waiting to see if they will call thats the hardest, especially when you meet someone who does seem very genuine, because you then begin to doubt yourself, and your own ability to read people....and wonder if anyone says what they mean anymore....especially when they say they will call, and they dont...what, dont I have feelings?
And ive never been mean when told it just wont work out...i appreciate the honesty, and hey if romantically things dont work out, then maybe there will be enough mutual respect that a friendship can be started....ive had one situatuation like that, and i consider him somewhat of a friend now....if theres enough of a connection that you would actually consider dating someone, then surely there would be enough that you would want to treat that same person with some respect if things dont go according to plan....its called being an adult, were not ostriches, so dont bury your head in the sand... | |
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