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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/17/2007 9:08:45 PM | At my age I would never consider dating a woman with young children. It's tough enough starting a relationship today, without throwing other things into the mix. I'd do the same with someone that was heavily into their job, for the same reasons.
Older children, in their late teens, would not be a problem. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/17/2007 9:09:43 PM | Vixn, this is the problem people don't think about before they start having kids. Of course they probably weren't thinking about having kids when they were having sex, the kids were just a result of it. If peopple took more time to think before they "did" it would be different. Things like, "if I have sex, will I have kids as a result?" "If I have kids, is it with a guy that is going to be around the rest of our lives?" "If he isn't going to stay, what will dating be like if I am a single mother?" "Do I want my kids to be involved in all the men I date just to find a new husband?" "Will I have time to find a good guy AND raise kids?"
That's just to name a few things no one ever thinks about. Now, I read your profile to get a "sense" of where you were coming from. I skipped over the fact you are in college but can't spell to save your life and looked more at the message you are sending to see if I could find where the problem was and give you good advice. You say you are blunt and honest, so by that I figure you can handle the same in return.
First of all, I am not sure what you mean by older men, since for someone that is 22, almost every living man is older than you. (and I stress almost) but the problem you are having is more than likely due to the fact the men you are seeing, arent looking for an instant family. They see a 22 year old female with kids who is not married, and they think to themselves "opportunity for lots of sex'". "she must like sex, because she is single with two kids, which means no strings with sex". Now I am not giving these examples of what goes through guys minds because its right, it just happens to be what you are up against.
Second, you are reinforcing that message in your profile with a picture of your ass, a picture of your cleavage, which says to men "here is what I have, come and get it". Now, you may like your tat, and that may be what you are proud to show off, but that's just you. Men don't see it, they see where you put it. And if you want blunt honesty, I think you put it there for a reason and you aren't liking the men it is attracting. Again, actions before thought.
Third is your nickname Vixn (vixen) again a message you are sending to guys, and again, the pictures, your nickname are not telling me you are serious about a relationship, and the guys you are attracting "is" the kind you want to deal with. I don't get the impression you are doing anything to help yourself find "serious" men. (not to mention you want people "voting" on your pictures just reinforces your message that you arent serious. You are just looking for the miss popularity crown).
You are 22 looking for a serious relationship, I am not even going to ask why you put "20" in your search criteria. The guy that put a great testimonial in your profile probably wasnt a keeper, but if he is right about you being mature beyond your years, (and women usually "are" more mature than men, by about 10 years) why are you looking for guys younger than you?
Now, if you are looking for a serious relationship, and you want a guy that is looking for a serious relationship, your kids are definitely going to be a factor because honestly, unless you are going to date a guy that already has kids of his own, then having kids "with you" is going to be on their mind "if they are looking for long term" and that means a family of 5 just for starters. How many single guys who want a serious relationship, and a kid of their own with the woman they love, want a family of 5 right away? It's going to be a small number.
We havent even begun to discuss if your kids father/fathers are actively involved in their kids life and are mature enough to be taking that responsibility even after the breakup. This is something that definitely goes through a guys mind as a few have already mentioned in previous comments here. Serious minded guys want a relationship with you, and quite possibly the kids, not with the daddy or daddies of the kids. Guys want to build a life, a family and a "private" relationship with you, not you and the daddy/ies.
You have been the architect of your own destiny, your own situation, so you are going to have to deal with these issues seriously. I do advise rethinking the messages you are sending guys if you are serious about what you want. If you are serious about a relationship, your ass and your chest with a tattoo between your breasts, is not "who" you are, and shouldn't be a factor in a serious relationship and any "good guy" you are going to catch is not going to worry about your ass and your chest as a factor for a life long relationship.
I would advise against involving the kids in your dating life at all costs until you have found someone you feel is going to be "the one". And even if you find "the one" and you involve the kids, and then it turns out he isn't the one, your kids will be affected as well, not just you anymore. I believe your kids are the #1 priority to you and as such their mental and physical health is the most important to you. Their mental/emotional state is going to be affected by exposure to your dating. How much they are exposed, is totally up to you.
Temet Nosce | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/17/2007 9:26:07 PM | I love kids. Your kids are very cute. Congrats!
But you want to know what men would think about single mom? I think the biggest thing a man would be concerned with is the responsibility. Using myself as an example, at this point in my life I can't imagine to have kids with me, even my own! It's not about being selfish, it's simply because I'm not ready. Having a kids and taking good care of them (i.e. being responsible) take a lot of effort. You don't just feed them and keep them alive, but also consider their education, personal development, and just making them feel loved.
It will be hard for a responsible man to get involved in this situation, simply because he knows what it means to be parents. If you do find someone who is ready to share that responsibility with you, don't let that man go, treat him well, because it takes a lot of courage to do that.
Lastly, I hope you do find that great person and build a bright future for your kids, love them, nurture them. | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 29 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/17/2007 9:52:53 PM | When an immature girl is irresponsible and becomes a single mom, it's the man's fault. I don't think so. Just as it is not her fault that the young man was irresponsible and now he has to pay for his mistake. Maybe people shouldn’t be so quick to judge others. However, responsible young men and women do not have a problem with being judged.
It is not running when a young man selects responsible young ladies and chooses to avoid ladies with problems resulting from parties he wasn't invited to. Your responsibilities are not insurmountable problems. There are many handsome young men, with good jobs, that are in their late twenties and early thirties that will gladly assume and help with your responsibilities. However, it is not realistic to try to compete with equally attractive and responsible young single girls near your age for young men that have better choices.
I do agree with iRocket. However, you are young and pretty enough to post photos that show your figure, such as wearing shorts and a blouse in the summertime. They just shouldn't be suggesive. I think your face showing a kiss is suggestive. Much better to have photo showing a nice smiling face.
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Game0n
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Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 30 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/17/2007 10:58:04 PM |
alot of times men run at the mention of two toddlers
First off I just want to say hats off to all the single mom's out there who are tying
their best to make a go of it and trying to get back into the dating/relationship.
It's not easy for anyone but I know it must be exceptionally hard for a single mom.
Secondly this isn't a cut and dry question "Do men really mind dating women with
children??" There are many things to consider when getting involved with someone
with children. First and foremost of course... the children. I don't believe I have to
point out all the downsides from a man's point of view for not wanting to get
involved. I'm sure it would outweight any reasons you can come up with why he
should get involved.
Here's thing though... that I look at when checking out a woman with children.
How old are the children? I personally would rather older children. For one I'm
43 years old. In some cases I'm sure younger would be better... easier adjustment.
Older children can resist quite a bit. But I have a daughter(9 years old) who lives
with me so that's what I would look at.
How long has she been away from the man? Has she adjusted to the single mom
life style? Is she just looking for a relationship to support her? Is she independent?
Is she fighting with the guy? Is he helping out? Is he involved in the children's
life? You see what I'm saying... not really to cut and dry is it.
So so many questions... and here's another big one... is she being honest? Women
will beg, lie and steal to protect/provide for their children... it's true. She can turn
it all on and a guy can get roped in pretty easily.
Would I as a single dad date/get involved with a woman with children... absolutely.
In fact I would love to... but rest assured my eyes will be wide open and if I get
any red flags at all you wouldn't see me through the dust.
The playing field for a single mom is short and narrow so my advice would be to
be careful who you let in. Some guys would look at you as vulnerable, deseperate
and an easy bootie call. So don't give in to easily... if the guy wants to walk don't
even bother questioning it no matter how much you like him. The last thing you
want is another child.
Make some guidelines for yourself and make sure you got a "really good" connection
with him prior to moving to the next level.
Sincerely I wish you all the best.
Game0n | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/17/2007 11:27:51 PM | Men run, women run. Children present "baggage" to other who do not have children. This is highly infortunate but happens regularly. Doesn't matter what sex you are.
Keep your chin up!!! | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/17/2007 11:57:45 PM |
For me it's the knowledge that I'm dating not only her but also will, if the relationship grows, have to take on a massive, amazing responsibility that I'm not sure that I am ready for....and, to be honest, that's a little bit intimidating.
So, it's not a "mind thing" at all, rather, it's a "wow, I'd better be serious about this relationship because, if I'm not, I can wind up hurting more than just her." In part this is a result of being a child of a mom who desperately wanted to find companionship and, who, dated a lot of men who were ***holes to not only her but me as well. Thus, it makes me nervous because I cannot just enjoy the relationship without also obsessing around if I'm ready to be part of a family.
Now, I know that you said that you weren't looking for a "babies daddy", but, I think it's a natural thought for a lot of guys to drift to. So, coupled with the above, I don't think men are running from you per se but rather from the assumed responsibility that you'll be asking for them to take up...even if you're not actually asking for it.
Finally, in regards to guys trying to get into your pants and then exiting stage left when unsuccessful, well, consider it a good screening mechanism. You know what their priorities are and they don't seem to be honest companionship and a growing relationship.
I have to agree with this poster. In a relationship where the woman/man has children, your actions are not just effecting the date but potentially the whole family. You can't just date the girl/man and expect the children to not be a part of the relationship in some way or other. Kids get attached faster then adults do in many cases. If things go south for what ever reason, then the kids get hurt too.
From a mans point of view, when you enter a relationship with a woman that already has children, you will be faced with the childrens father, the drama/legal stuff, you WILL be dragged into it..the fathers tend to make sure of that. Your partner may tell you up front they are not looking for a daddy, but in reality thats exactly what would happen if the relationship gets serious. It can't be avoided. This can be a lot of responsability that many guys are not ready for or willing to take on. Add in already having children of your own, that's yours, plus hers and depending on how many children we're talking about, also the finanical burden..that adds up to a lot of responsability.
Yes, there are men out there willing to take on this added responsability but can get over whelming and they may bail...or stick it out if they care enough. Lets not forget the horror stories about step parents!! Will the kids even like me?!?! | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 12:49:14 AM | | I sure can't speak for everyone, but for me, I don't have any trouble with it when the kids are a little older. (school age) I don't mind watching Sponge Bob but I have trouble getting through Bob the Builder. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 10:23:56 AM | | I would actually like to find someone who has children because they understand more of what I'm going through as a single parent. I would hold off bringing them around your children until you know for sure you want to be with them and them with you. You don't want them kids confused about who everyone is. I don't know the rules on the time frame, but I would like to be with someone a few months before meeting my kids. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 36 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 10:57:34 AM | Ikusa:
Women often list the number of kids, but not as often the number of dads. These kinds of posts make me mad! You assume that because a woman has more than one child, they must be from different fathers? You think that single mom's should include in their profiles: "I have 6 kids, they each have a different dad"? Or men like you can just keep assuming the worst of all single mom's. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 11:04:19 AM | | i didnt read every post here...seems like a big topic. ill date you if youre cool, and if i fall in love with you for you...if you have kids that shouldnt make me love you any less....that being said my ex had a lil boy and i rasied him for 2 years (since he was 4 m)...she took off one day out of no where....i basically came home to an empty house...i did not see it comin...she moved out of province and i never get to see the little boy that called me daddy ever again...that was really hard on the heart...taking on the responsiblitie of being a father then having it taken from you...ill definatly be more cautious of the next girl with kids i date. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 11:40:43 AM | | Eldubu, dont take offense to that statement. I dont think anyone read anything into it other than he meant there is a possibility there is more than one dad. We dont know, but it is something that will need to be discovered sooner or later. Down south it is VERY prevalent that a single mother with kids has had them by more than one dad. Try not to imply with your anger that there is something wrong with it. There isn't anything wrong with it, and nothing can be done to change it. Vixn's kids may be by one dad or two, we don't know, and it doesn't matter unless you want to date her. He just meant he would like to know upfront in a profile rather than discovering it later. It's just his opinion. Nothing wrong with it. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 12:21:27 PM |
Vixn, this is the problem people don't think about before they start having kids. Of course they probably weren't thinking about having kids when they were having sex, the kids were just a result of it. If peopple took more time to think before they "did" it would be different. Things like, "if I have sex, will I have kids as a result?" "If I have kids, is it with a guy that is going to be around the rest of our lives?" "If he isn't going to stay, what will dating be like if I am a single mother?" "Do I want my kids to be involved in all the men I date just to find a new husband?" "Will I have time to find a good guy AND raise kids?"
This isn't always the case though. For some people, myself included, those questions ARE considered before having sex and getting married. I wanted children and thought that I had chosen the appropriate guy to do that with. When I got married, I thought it would be permanent and that he would be around for the rest of our lives. That's what marriage meant to me. Just because after 14 years of being there he then decided that he wasn't interested in being married and a full time father anymore doesn't make me an irresponsible person for being a single mother.
I am a good mother to my children because I love them, I created them, and they need a responsible parent in their lives. I don't bring new men around my children ever, unless I am comfortable with the relationship and feel that they will be a good influence on my kids. I don't believe in shuffling potential "daddies" in and out of their lives. They don't need that and neither do I.
In the same vein, I'm not looking for a potential "daddy" for them. I'm a mother, but I'm still a woman that has certain needs and desires outside of her immediate family. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 1:07:23 PM | If a guy does date a woman with young children, it shows he likes her a lot. Kids are fun sometimes, but let's face it, they make romance hard. And if he is really serious about you, they also represent a financial, emotional, and time commitment.
So, to answer your question--they aren't going to help you get a guy, but you aren't doomed to be single forever, either. You might just have to work a little harder than most women to find a mate (welcome to our world). | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 1:26:58 PM | I've dated two women with children (ok, children that weren't adults when we were dating), and didn't bother me at all. Now, they were older than yours (8&11 the first time, 6&9 the second), but I had a great time with them and the kids, and wouldn't have an issue with doing it again at all (except that I'm dating now, so not looking). Would have had no problem marrying either one of them either, if the relationship had lasted between us (and the breakups had nothing to do with the kids, and both were about 6 months, I wasn't looking to 'get in their pants', I was looking for a lasting relationship, always have been).
Nothing against it here, although I will add there that the first time was a 'learning experience', having never dated a woman with kids before I was very unsure of *myself* early on. The second time though, I was quite comfortable with the idea. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 1:29:02 PM | | Personally speaking from a man's perspective I adore kids especially the wee ones, they have a way of making you feel younger at heart but my last experience has made me leary of dating woman with kids because they made my life hell, from another perspective you would have to be pretty serious with the person you are seeing because the last thing you would want is to start bonding with the kids and then decide that this relationship isn't going to work. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 1:34:22 PM | | I think it just depends on the man and what he is looking for. I don't mind dating women with children, because I love children and I am at a point in my life where being involved in a more family oriented relationship is more appealing to me. Now if a guy is looking to just casually date then they may not like dating a woman with kids, because having children makes it a challenge to get away alone. Your best bet would be to try and find men that are looking to settle down with one person and loves children. Hope this helps. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 1:46:41 PM | iRocket: Sorry, but you should read some of the single mother threads. I am not a parent, but I think there is a general concensus among a certain population that assumes that because a single woman has more than one child, she has slept around a lot.
Try not to imply with your anger that there is something wrong with it You lost me on that...my anger is what makes it wrong? First of all, I am not "angry", I just think some assume too much. I think the implications are what make it wrong.
I guess the way that post was written seemed to me like the writer expected women to automatically put it into their profile. I really don't think that is anyone's business unless the woman MAKES it their business. That is like saying that we ALL should put the amount of sexual partners we've had in our profiles. Silly.
I didn't say there was anything wrong with him having an opinion, I just think he's assuming a lot.
Of course, your other post is pretty on the money. I think the OP is sending mixed messages and I really don't think that the children should be involved until there is the potential of a relationship happening. My ex dated 4 women before me who had children. I don't. It was weird walking at the mall and having a child calling out to him "Daddy!" and him running away because he wanted nothing to do with him! (Gee, can I get a clue? Those ones practically hit me in the head!) Before anyone says it, no they really weren't his kids, he was just in relationships where he and the children got close, then he left with not so much as an attempt at keeping in touch with them. And, quite frankly, as I learned later on, he really didn't care. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 1:52:26 PM | | I wouldnt mind dating a man with older children but I have two of my own. (14 and 13)I would not think that dating a "full time dad" with small children would be fun. Smaller kids come with a lot more responsability and make for a hard personal life. I hate to even say it O.P but a single mom with small children also has to deal with some men believing that she is irresponsible or "fast" for chosing to have kids so early in a relationship or marriage, before deciding that "Hey, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man."~not my belief on the topic, by the way | |
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P Nut
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Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 46 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 2:13:35 PM | | I can honestly say I'd have no problem dating a woman with kid(s). If the relationship progresses well and it looks like we're on to something solid and long lasting, I'd have no problem assuming the responsibility or helping raise them. My only issue would be if it was expected from the start. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to the kids, especially if an attachment develops between us. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 5:42:59 PM |
I really don't think that is anyone's business unless the woman MAKES it their business. That is like saying that we ALL should put the amount of sexual partners we've had in our profiles. Silly.
I don't think it ought to be a profile item, but for me, the question about how many fathers IS an issue.
If I found out there were more than one father, that would send up a pretty big red flag for me. If I found out that she was the one who had been the dumper, it would enlarge that red flag.
And, here's the kicker that's gonna get me flamed, I'm sure:
If I found out that the guys she'd had kids with were abusive and she had stayed or gone back to them at any time, I wouldn't have anything to do with her. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 5:43:41 PM | Hi vixnoo
I would like to give you my input if you don't mind. I hope that it helps.
(1) I see that you are 22 years of age. you state that "you tend to date older men" you have to ask yourself these questions!
why do I date older men? ( Do you just dig older men ?)(do you think older men will accept you and your children better than the younger men?)(do you think older men will be a sugar daddy) just questions I'm not putting you down, as you will see.
lets face it ****"most"**** younger men do not want that responsibility, they want to party and go to college. and other things..I'm not saying that you don't have a chance.(anything is possible) it just might take a while.( hang in there)
I did date a girl ,that did have a child. when I was 25 she was 18 I liked her and we dated for about 10 months. but at that time I had no commitment on my mind it was all just a fun time. we accepted the moment. and had sex. (no commitment though) and 10 months not a love of my life.
you on the other hand seem to be looking for that love of your life ..Not having sex.
All that I can say about that is great job!!!!!!!! You will most definitely will find your love that will accept you and your child . Someday it just might take a while so don't give up. Enjoy your moment with your values and your child. As I did mine when I was younger.
Remember at this point in your life the last thing you need is another complication.
May I suggest thinking of school and your child and your future life, after you have completed all of that then looking for love. ( your young plenty of time) Best wishes to you | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/18/2007 6:33:57 PM | Tis is truly a serious topic, and it begs much discussion and thoroughness. It doesn't cross ones mind very often how any of this affects the kids, like a few posters previously mentioned, the kids could get attached to her "date" even in a short period of time, week or two and so on. What's even less likely is the fact that most guys automatically assume its their responsibility to act as or take up the job as daddy in this new relationship with kids. This just isnt the case. no matter what relationship it is, the kids already hav a mom, AND a dad. It doesn't matter if dad is deceased, incarcerated, dead beat, semi-present, or a good fully involved dad. To the kids, they "have a dad".
In Child psychology this is a real potential problem if the adults don't understand an accept this from the onset. A child knows who the authority in their lives are...Mom..and Dad. To the children the blood is thicker than water and will defy any attempts at non-blood to try and discipline them. Children bond with their natural parents no matter how bad we think someone is as a parent. They do it naturally out of self preservation. They have to have the distinction in knowing who is who and why. Children also don't readily accept any new people into one of their parents lives, because this infringes on what a child calls the safety ground. This is where children find safety and security and balance and solid ground, not with a stranger. Any attempt at a stranger being chivalrous and taking up an "assumed" responsibility with the kids of the other person, may well be seen as chivalry by the parent, but not by the kids at all. Children dont see the world like we do or understand it like we do, they work with what is black and white first, before they learn the grey.
You also have to take a look at it from the absent father/mother point of view. I have a son that is 21 and I am divorced, not dead. If any new guy in my ex-wifes life took it upon himself to take my place as my sons father, ever tried to lay a physical hand on my son, ever spoke to my son in a manner that was not 100% prudent, mature, respectful and friendly (while my son was being raised), That guy would wish he was never born. It never stopped being my responsibility to raise my son and I will never stop being his father.
The mom needs to understand that in the dads abscence, she has to be mom AND dad, disciplinarian, teach, mentor, everything to the children, for the childrens emotional and mental state of well being. Not pass this on to a stranger who has no blood relation or responsibility. That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a big brother, supportive, understanding, compassionate and responsible "as a friend" to the children, as an adult friend. Crossing the line in 95% of the cases has proven disasterous to the children and everyone else involved. Only very few exceptions exist such as, the children never knew who their real father was, so there is no confusing circumstance to be presented to them.
My only hope is that more peole keep this very important information in mind when dating a "parent". Hell..for any situation, anywhere in the world, the kids are THE most important and should come first before ourselves, in all situations. We should be grown up enough to accept this and practice it.
is it dinner yet? | |
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