| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/23/2007 4:12:55 PM | | You want the honest truth??? Well here goes....we say we don't mind, but in reality, we HATE the idea. Speaking as a man that knows many other men that has dated women with child or children and say the same thing, it's a pain in the ass to be in the presence of spoild brats that are slicker than a soapy floor. The moms think they can do no wrong but sh*t, they don't know the half. I'll stop there because I can go on forever due to my many experiences. | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 79 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/23/2007 8:49:00 PM | Drg, if you were familiar with what is customary, you would have noticed the added word was placed inside brackets , that is [ ]. That lets readers know it is an addition and not part of the original quote. For example: "To exercise exclusive Legislation in all Cases whatsoever, over such District [of Columbia] (not exceeding ten Miles square) as may, by Cession of particular States, and the Acceptance of Congress, become the Seat of the Government of the United States..."
In that case, adding [of Columbia] when quoting that part of the Law (Article 1, Section 8 of the Constitution) clarifies the meaning of District and lets people know it is not part of the Constitution. Perhaps I should have made it a little more clear by included ([bracketed material] added) at the end of the quote. Nevertheless, I believe it was obvious to most readers that " [older]" was added to your quote. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 2:56:09 AM | | It's a complete double standard, with me anyway. I am the single father of the greatest boy in the world, but I have a hard time with other people's children. I just want to be honest here and definitely don't want to give you the impression there aren't men out there who can adapt to you, and what you bring with you. But, yes, there are men out there, myself included, who would rather date women without children. Just move on to the next one. I'm also the old fashioned kind of guy who believes there is someone perfect out there for everyone. | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 81 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 3:11:57 AM | If jt is just for sexual flings, dating single moms is fine. If the children are teens or older it should be okay since mostly they will doing their own things. However, a man would be wise to avoid a long-term with women with young children.
The man is only a checkbook. She is going to make all decisions about the children, and likely will let them run wild. The man is an outsider and she will very possessive and will not allow any suggestions on how the children should be raised. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 4:16:24 AM | | Some men mind and some don't. I enjoyed raising my daughters and would love to have more around whether they're mine or not. You just need to find someone who understands your situation and how much time children need. By the way women run just as quick when they find your a custodial father as well. Take your time, you'll find what your looking for. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 6:14:02 AM | Generally a guy wants:
A. Long term relationship
B. Short term dating stuff
or
C. Just sex
If the guy wants B. A single mother is not a good choice. You said yourself that you work, and go to school, and have kids to raise, and don't havea lot of time... That means however much free time he has, the odds of you being free on a day he'd like to see you : not great.
If he wants A. One loses a lot of freedom when they become a parent. If your significant other is a parent, you're losing that freedom too. Plus the idea of, to one degree or another, raising another man's children.
So a LOT of men are filtered out. and in many cases, a woman with children is left with just the guys who want C.
and some C's would even be discouraged.
such is my understanding. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 8:46:36 AM | Smjle said
The man is only a checkbook. She is going to make all decisions about the children, and likely will let them run wild. The man is an outsider and she will very possessive and will not allow any suggestions on how the children should be raised.
This kind of thinking boggles the mind. The man is only a checkbook? wtf??
She is going to be making all the decisions about the [her] children yes, but how the hell does following up that thought with "and likely will let them run wild" give any credibility to the statement?? That's what I call following a fact with a HUGE chip.
The man is the outsider yes, the non-blood factor in the equation (and again a fact) followed by yet another HUGE chip of an assumption that she will be very possessive due to that fact. WRONG. And what makes anyone think she will arbitrarily not allow any suggestions on how the kids should be raised because of that fact??
The following, IMHO, is why there are so many problems in relationships that involve children of previous relationships:
1. Why do men (predominantly, but women also) automatically assume it is their right, their job, their responsibility, their purpose to raise another womans children just because she is a single mother?
The children already have two parents, a mom and a dad. (assuming one hasn't died) It is the mistake of the adults coming into the family, that assume their new job in the relationship is to raise and discipline the other's children. This is so terribly wrong. The children know you are not a relative and have no relation by blood and that you are the outsider and you have zero, none, no authority over their well being and lives, whatsoever. Assuming you "do" is your mistake, not theirs.
2. The only capacity in which the outside adult has any authority or responsibility for the children's well being or discipline, is only if the blood parent/s "gives" you that responsibility in their absence. Yes males, by nature, are protective, and we will protect all human life related to us or not by virtue of our nature, if those lives are in imminent danger. But this doesn't give us an assumed authority over all other matters especially discipline.
3. It is not our job to "replace" an absent parent just because you are the new romantic interest in the equation. We are being "added" to the already existing family, be it a broken family or not. It is very likely that the two divorced people are even better parents to their children as divorced parents, than they were as married parents. But the fact remains, the children already have parents, and dont need an "outsider" to do "anything" for them. Be supportive, yes. Be an adult friend, yes. Be compassionate and understanding, yes. Be a role model by living through example, yes. Do NOT undermine your romantic interest's authority over her own children or the authority of the absent parent with his children. She has a tough enough job being "both" parents in the absence of the other parent to have to deal with us assuming its our responsibility to "step in" when it's not.
The only exception to any of this is if there is a complete understanding and agreement between "all adult" parties involved that we will be an authority of some sort. This must include the children (if they are of age to understand this) being fully aware that the "outsider" will have authority over them in whatever specified circumstances the adults agree on. This requires a full and open level of communication between the outside adult, and the parents of the children.
Basically, stop thinking in terms of ourselves, and start thinking in terms of the well being of the children and their emotional health and understanding.
Do men mind dating women with children? Some do, some dont. If they do, so what, and if they don't, great. Why would you care about the non-issue of the men that do mind? You obviously wont be dating them.
Temet Nosce | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 11:45:10 AM | I don't mind the kidlets. I've got a couple cuties at home myself.
But you're right about the additional responsibility, and it has to be freely taken. For instance, my youngest will be grown and moved out within eight years, at which point I plan to sell the house, buy a condo, and spend alot more time travelling, hopefully with a partner. Now, would I be willing to cultivate a relationship with a woman with toddlers, knowing that that would extend my domestic commitments by about ten years, and I'd be seeing the world at the age of sixty, instead of fifty? I suppose I could, for the right woman, but the way I currently envision the future favors a woman with older kids. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 2:20:38 PM |
if you were familiar with what is customary
Is that supposed to mean something? I am familiar with what is customry. I also Know that by adding that word you changed the context of what I said. And that is not the purpose of a quote. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 5:46:39 PM | | Re comments by iRocket - having read all your comments on this post ,just want to say many thanks for clearing up the confusion for many many men when dating women with children. Very clear and well thoughtout . Thanks | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/24/2007 5:59:24 PM | Lets look at it from the end of the story, which I can do because I have done it and I have seen it done countless times.
Okay, you meet a girl and fall in love and she has kids, someone elses kids. You get married, or live together like I did, then have a happy home and raise the kids.
Guess what? They are not your kids. It doesnt matter how well you treat them and love them and how much of a good home you give them, they are not your kids.
Do you want to know when you really get reminded of this? When you divorce or break up and move out. They are not your kids and Mommy reminds them of that afterwards. Not only do you not get to see your girl again, Mommy never lets you see HER kids again, because they are not your kids. I loved those kids and I will never see them again, even though they feel like my kids and I love them, I still do. Did I mention that they are not your kids? | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/25/2007 9:12:17 PM | [When an immature girl is irresponsible and becomes a single mom, it's the man's fault. I don't think so. Just as it is not her fault that the young man was irresponsible and now he has to pay for his mistake. Maybe people shouldn’t be so quick to judge others. However, responsible young men and women do not have a problem with being judged/.]
I feared this kind or response in general when posting this thread, I dont feel like I have placed any blame on anyone for my situation. let me explain a little so as not to confuse anyone further. When my children were concieved I had been involved with the father of my children for 7 years we were engaged to be married we had our first child and all seemed well.... the second I guess was a bit too much for him and he decided to get out while he still had time wich is all fine I hold no grudge and I took on the responsibility of the children knowing there would be issue.. (with dating )I would not change my life as it is for anything. Every one always told me how hard it would be to raise children but no one ever told me how endlessly funny, and exciting life would be with them .... I have dated men that had no idea I had children at all.. Although I live in a small town and it is hard to keep that kind of thing a secret for long.... I have no problem finding men if I want them my problem is finding men I will allow around my children.. That is why I find alot of men to be immature in one way or another I dont want to have three children no offence to anyone at all .. As for judging others I realy dont think anyone has the right to judge any one at all .. so I would apreciate it if you have a question or are not sure about a particular stuation to not make snide remarks and comments. have any questions feel free to E-mail me
I do appreciate all the feedback , Thank You | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/25/2007 9:25:05 PM | [Older and the less desirable young men get leftovers; that includes young women with children. ]
Ok young women with children are not leftovers and for you to say that is perposterous, rude and steriotypical... not to mention all the other posts you leave are a look into your personality...... LOL any way In my opinion you should stop preachin bout people judging people and take a look back at the tone of your posts .... | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/25/2007 10:49:16 PM |
Do you want to know when you really get reminded of this? When you divorce or break up and move out. They are not your kids and Mommy reminds them of that afterwards.
That is not neccesarily true - and you should be able to have access to them even if they are not biologically true. BUT I know that many parents will go to great lengths not to let this happen, so it does happen. My ex is living with someone and I know that if they split up I will do my best to make sure that our kids still get to see her - they love her and she loves them. It is best for ALL of them that they still get to see her. Granted, they already go between two houses so they probably will not see her often, but they will still see her.
OT - I am a single mother of four kids (yes four - with one dad; and we broke up because he cheated and lied, and when we decided to try to work on our relationship, he chose to continue cheating and lying while doing so, so I chose to opt out and I believe we are both happier now). I am willing to wait for the right person to come along and am totally honest in my profile with what I am looking for. I will not be letting my kids meet anyone until I know they will be around for long-term. Someone told me that my profile 'narrows down who will respond, but should get me what I am looking for' and I am okay with that.
Decide what you want and what you are willing to give up for it and then follow through on that.
~M | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 92 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/26/2007 1:06:50 AM | Ok young women with children are not leftovers and for you to say that is perposterous, rude and steriotypical * * * In my opinion you should stop preachin bout people judging people and take a look back at the tone of your posts ....
That's a good point. I should not have said leftovers. I belive it would have been better to have said that most young ladies prefer guys near their own age and that most young guys prefer dating single girls. That older guys and less desirable young guys do not have the first pick for young pretty single girls would have been implied; it was not necessary to state it. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/26/2007 8:28:51 AM | I think that a woman with children can be a great thing, the one thing that I struggle with is that sometimes an ex can have so much control on the woman that she can't be free to enjoy her new life. If the ex knows that she is dating he can make things miserable if he knows he can control the situation. Children are great, the only thing that I really believe is that when you first go out with a woman with children that you shouldn't really have much contact with the children right away to make sure that you are compatible first, only because children attach themselves very quickly to someone and you are only setting them up for disappointment if things don't work out!
If I got involved with a woman with children I would love them as if I brought them into this world, and I think that they can have a great family experience! Maybe you need to talk online about children and ask some serious questions to your future dates, and see if they squirm or runaway cause you can tell when you are touching on a sensitive area by peoples reactions! | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 3/26/2007 3:53:07 PM | | Well let me just ask you this: do you think it is fair to not give a guy sex and still expect that he wants to be in a relationship with you? In my mind that would be just like if you desired a guy that treated you right but the guy you were with did not feel like treating you right tonight b/c he's tired. Get what I'm saying? There are things in relationships everyone looks for and each part comprises a whole. Some men and some women just want sex, some just want friends, others want a partner. Everyone's looking for something different. | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 4/3/2007 8:01:29 AM | Hmmm good points and not so good points....
I have gone through the postings...
A single mom with kids.
Date or not to date...
First of all kids should be kept out of the relationship till there is a relationship.
I feel, that it will be easier on all involved.
Dating is hard enough. Leave the kids out of. If it becomes serious then it's good to introduce the kids. Attachments can be made quickly. They need stability, and parading a different person every few months is only asking for trouble. They are only children for such a short amount of time. What thye learn as children will shape them into the adults they will be. Think about that before kids become involed...
Now to approach another topic brought up here....
Early in the thread a guy mentioned about women should post if there are daddies if there are more then one child. Please talk about A$$. You seem to think that if a women has kids by more then one man she is ****, but yet men can have children by different women and it's ok....
Don't judge, the only one in any postion to judge is GOD.
It was also mentioned that women over 30 without kids. That there is sometinhg wrong ... But nothing about all the men over 30 and 40 with no kids...
Talk about a two way street.... Some just are cautious and choose not to have children or just haven't found the one to have kids with.
This is only my thoughts on the subject
Every new relationship is scary, difficult on any level. Two people starting something new. Take time to find out the person you are getting to know.
Just leave the kids out of it until it is a relationship. ASomething meaningful.
You'll weed out the keepers from the players...
Oh yeah I am a single mom to 3 kids, and I am going to school. Just doing what I can to make a better life for me and my kids, who are number one first and formost. But it doesn't mean that I do not have room in my heart for another. It just means that because of my kids and my past realtionships, that I am a lot more cautious to whom I open up my heart to and introduce my kids too.
Oh yeah kids are not baggage... If you think that, don't get tinvloved with a person who has children...
Good luck to you... Hope you find what your looking for.
SW | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 4/3/2007 8:54:08 AM | I could never bring myself to date a woman with kids at this point in my life.
I have nothing against kids, but it's not a desirable situation for me...
It's too bad, because I see a lot of beautiful women with kids on these sites, and in RL too!
There is one who I know is interested in me at the GYM I go to, but she has 2 young children, so no thanks...
Maybe my tone will change if I'm over 40 and still single, maybe I'll be more receptive to that type of situation, but for now, no way... | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 4/3/2007 9:49:41 AM | Well, it can be more difficult to find a good man when you are a mother, or you can get lucky (like I did) and find that a better quality of man is interested. Players usually leave obvious signs as to who they are, if you know what to look for.
Granted that I had completed post secondary education(s), had a house and a career before I had a child, and that definitely is seen as a bonus to any man coming in to the picture, as he knows his role is limited to the emotional support of the child and not the financial support. However, there are good men who love a woman for who she is and see the child(ren) as an added pleasure. Just what is it that you are looking for, and where do you expect to find it?
Another way to look at being a younger mother (if you have your act together) is that you will be young and healthy enough when the child leaves the house to pursue your desires. I'm rather happy about my kid being out of the house by the time I am 45, and still young enough to backpack through the mountains in Tibet.... | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 4/3/2007 10:04:46 AM |
Well, it can be more difficult to find a good man when you are a mother, or you can get lucky (like I did) and find that a better quality of man is interested. Players usually leave obvious signs as to who they are, if you know what to look for.
Don't assume all men who don't want to date women with kids are players, and of lower quality. 
Some, like myself, simply do not want to raise some other mans children, and would prefer his own kids someday... | |
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Game0n
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Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 99 | |
| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 4/3/2007 10:41:31 AM |
Don't assume all men who don't want to date women with kids are players, and of lower quality.
Some, like myself, simply do not want to raise some other mans children, and would prefer his own kids someday...
Well said... not all men want the same thing.
You can't criticize a man or a woman for being clear with what they are looking for
in a relationship. Being clear on this attribute has more importance than any other
when it comes to entering into a relationship with someone with children.
I personally(as a single father) would rather find a woman who has children
already(preferable similar age to my own) and has no desire to have any more.
Problem I've been having is finding someone in my age group who isn't totally
out of the children raising mode. Younger women either want more children or
have child/ren and are just not interested in dating somone my age. And the older
ones have children in late teens and/or have grand children and don't want to be
with someone who has a pre-teen.
Women aren't the only ones having problems with dating with children.
It's not an exclusive women with children dating problem.
Game0n | |
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| Do men really mind dating women with children??
Posted: 4/3/2007 10:54:17 AM | mecheng001
By observation in reading my post that I am in a long term relationship with a man who has no children of his own, where do you get that I am lumping all men as players? The OP is worried about the type who see single moms as tail and not much more. They do exist, and if you know what to look for, the signs are obvious. Your preferences are fine - they are your preferences. If you end up divorced someday and had children with your wife, you have just caused a further addition to the phenomena you dislike so much.
I've never said that men who don't want to involve themselves in a ready made family are lower quality, that is your perception of my words. They obviously are not ideal for the woman who has children. All this is moot from my perspective as I have who and what I desire out of life. I was adding my experience for the OP, as a sure sign that there are men who are not just after tail with a single mom, in case the assertions of the other menfolk on here who have no objections to children was not enough. | |
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