| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/27/2007 9:25:16 AM | I used to be that kind of person to lock up thier emotions.
Last few years I've been the opposite, letting emotions take the better of me at times.
And really its for the worse. Women run away from an over emotional guy. There's a happy medium, just I havent found it yet. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/27/2007 9:42:31 AM | Hopefully most men can strike a reasonable balance between holding things in tightly until they explode, and having emotions so close to the surface that they are always letting it all hang out. Both of these extremes create insecurity for the woman. Both are a sign of weakness.
Emotional Intelligence is just as important as the mental. I'd say the vast majority of men have a relatively healthy handle on their emotions, but how we as women react can determine what they are willing to share. Our own Emotional Intelligence can go a long way toward encouraging our men to confide in us. We have to inspire their trust by always listening with love and respect, and not being tempted to give them advice unless they specifically ask for it. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/27/2007 10:10:37 AM | | also, men see problems as facts. women often have to take time out to 'figure things out.' men see it has there is nothing to figure out. what happened, did in fact, happen! Move on with life. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/27/2007 11:48:04 AM | Can I ask a question? I know that men don't like to discuss their emotions but.....I have tried on various occasions in the last few months to get someone to discuss something of significant importance to me and he will not. I have talked, I have written, I have joked, I have ignored. In his defense, I don't think he wants to not talk with me. I just think he cannot do it, although I don't know why. At this point, what I want from him-the thing of significant importance, is not as important to me as the idea that he will not even discuss it.
If I say I am not going to cross a certain line in our relationship anymore, until he is at least willing to discuss the topic in question with me, is that an ultimatium? I am asking cause a poster above said if the girl he was with kept excepting the staus quo, he assumed that was what she wanted. Then, he was surprised to find out later it was not cause she had not spoken up. If you have spoken up, and are still not being listened to, is there any recourse other than an ultimatium? The ultimatium is not, not having sex. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/27/2007 12:25:24 PM |
As a rule of thumb... men dont like to talk about their emotions. It is something that women are often trying to force us to do because it comes naturally to them but we dont like it. If a guy wants to talk to you about it, he will on his own. If you try to force it then it will get ugly.
Men tend to take things in stride... if we are having a rough time, we keep it inside or vent in some way (sports, video games, hanging out with the guys, and unfortunately for some its substance abuse that becomes the crutch)
Is it a healthy way to be? Depends if he lets it out in healthy ways. Personally, when I have a rough day or if I am feeling blue I like to put on some loud music and play video games... I watch a movie or I play some physical sports.
Sadly though, it often manifests itself in a negative way. A large proportion of suicides are divorced men (2/3 I think I read, but I cant remember off the top of my head) The majority of substance (drugs/alcohol) abusers are male... a LARGE majority of homeless people are men.
Very good post IrOn...  | |
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derr12
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Joined: 6/13/2006
Msg: 56 | |
| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/27/2007 2:33:14 PM | Men only have enough emotional buffer space to allow one emotion at a time out.
like this:
9:00 am : Im hungry.
9:15 : im cold.
9:30 : im horny. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/1/2007 2:26:08 PM | Guys are simple. We usually don't think in depth about things. We don't look for a double meaning in somethign either.
When guys are hanging out with othre guys, we don't talk about feelings. If we talk about women, it's usually. "Did you have sex with her?". Not so how is it progressing, do you love her yet, etc. If you do so, you could be considered "weak".
So the majority of our time, we don't share our feelings. Then when with your lady, then your supposed to suddenly change? No. Plus some of the sharing could bring out some aspect of ourselves that might be a turn-off. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/6/2007 8:40:36 PM | | ok for me i dont realy like showing my emotions alot. i will but i dont like too. because alot of times its used against you later down the road. and i never had anyone to open upto so i guess i have gotten used to handeling it myself. no sure answer but its just hard for alot of guys for many reasons thear is mine hope it helps | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 1:17:22 PM | She'll worry if something is bothering him but if it's not to do with her, then she isn't interested whatsoever usually.
^^^^^^
that statement says a lot about people (whether men or women) in general. most people don't care about anything unless it affects THEM. people put on a good show, but when push comes to shove, your statement is the bottom line. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 2:36:30 PM | Here is something for you to consider.
A dog and a cat are completely different.
In that same token, a man and a woman are completely different.
They are wired differently.
A man does not like to talk about his emotions because he is a man. Why would you want him to be otherwise? | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 5:35:05 PM | I didn't read all the posts to be honest but for the OP:
The reality is many times men are penalized for the bahviour you wish them to engage in. So they will be reluctant to open up about things like that.
Secondly, those that have taken that chance have in all likelyhood later had the information gleanned during that open period used against them when that relationship went south. This further re-enforces the belief that keeping it to yourself is for the best.
And finally despite Cosmo telling women they want touchy feely guys, look around at the next event you are at with alot of singles, and just see who pairs up with whom, the expessive guy is going home alone most times.
When you can change those the behaviour of guys will change, untill then they are going to be inclined to do what works.
And of course this is a generalisation and not everyone will fit this. Some have even been successful at it. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 5:42:46 PM | Sorry I don't have any issues with sharing my emotions with my girlfriends, never have. Maybe it's because I was raised by a single mother.
Buuuut tattoo lurch made a veeeery valid point. Women are vindictive, and WILL use personal things against us in a fight if they feel threatened or hurt....but usually out of spite. Every single woman i've ever dated has done this in a big fight. My god woman are vicious.
And therein lies a big part of the answer to your question....
BECAUSE IT'LL BE USED AGAINST US! | |
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e-wok
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Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 63 | |
| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:08:44 PM |
If you are the type to lock your emotions up and not talk about them why do you do this? Why do SOME men do this in general?
To help you understand; Imagine it's game 7 in the Stanley Cup final, it's
over-time...the crowd is on it's feet screaming......then your gf asks you to talk about
feelings of the heart. It is EXACTLY that lame! It's not about choice or wanting or avoidance of the topic...it's simply not registering as relevant.
It is that pointless. We aren't built that way. God gave us men a program
to follow and it's all dedicated to creating and engineering. We can create
a city and put man on the moon...if we can do more, we'd be Gods...so He
gave that job to the women. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 9:22:48 PM | | Why do women always want to discuss their feelings and relationships. It just makes you more vulnerable to others and shows your weakness. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 9:34:19 PM | i neverhad a problem sharing my emotions with anyone really, it doesnt make me vulnerable or ashamed, i tell it how it is, i tel how i feel and what im going to do about the situation...simple as that.
i dont live in fear of what others might think | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 9:36:10 PM | funny i was in a relationship with a women who didnt share her feelings....she hoarded them inside...bigtime.
i was all in the dark about what was buggin her she never said a word about anything...looking back now im so trying to not hate her for it..and what she did to me. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/8/2007 9:41:20 PM | | emotions are something i just keep to myself, i cried twice in my life, when my dog passed away and when grandma passed away, when i'm mad i work even more, i bottle up my emotions and everyonce in a while i explode but when i do i walk outside and just go nuts, never infront of a lady though. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:52:16 PM | My general rule of thumb is: "Never let anyone who's ****ing you see you sweat."
Generally, if a guy discusses emotions, he's seen as being weak or "feminine", and as far as I can tell, most straight women prefer a guy who... kind of acts like a guy is "supposed" to act. Now, I wasn't taught this by my dad. I have five sisters and no brothers, so my dad was largely my only male influence growing up. And he told me how hard a time he had getting his dad to open up to him and how he'd try to be more open should he ever have a son. Long ago, I was good at being open, but I eventually realized there are people out there who prey on people who are open about themselves. I got hurt because of that, and since then, I don't open up.
Sometimes, you don't want to let anybody get close enough to hurt you. Kinda like "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 5/18/2007 7:31:20 AM | | Men don't like to talk about problems - we like to solve problems. When we have an emotional issue just let us retreat to our cave until we are ready to talk about it. If you push us to talk about it we will begin to resent you. We have to figure those types of things n our own. The best thing you can do is give us space and time. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 5/18/2007 8:20:09 AM | Its a perception thing and a gender supremacy thing.
us men are told "we're men we can handle it" " we big and tough and can brush things off" our belife system is properganded to belive emotional openess is a sign of weakness.
Thus our mates dont wanna know, thus it snowballs.
This has many nasty negitives, many.
Men cracking because of the build up inside.
but worse is that it has a part in the perception females are only victims of domestic violence.
Emotional abuse in relationships is not recognised if the male is the victim.
you have 'the battered wife syndrome"
but I never heard of the "battered Husbaand syndrome"
in fact its the rule that men get pinged for what women get recognised as provoked threw emotional abuse, because were men we can handle it. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 5/18/2007 9:34:02 AM | Because you will not see us as men if we do and will lose that attraction. The next step is you will leave. Women are known for expressing their emotions and men are not. Ergo, men expressing their emotions would be in par with acting like a woman. Remember, that we keep hearing that you are looking for a MAN and not a little boy.
We're told from early childhood to act like men, "be a man." Crying is unacceptable, complaining about something is unacceptable. We're supposed to toughen up and take it like a man.
I tried to express emotions a few times, and everytime I did; that plane of a relationship came crashing down. My expression of emotions would later be used against me(dare a man to do that to a woman). Sometimes it was for her ego or amusement. How many women have told me that they would be supportive and such to what was bothering their guy. Ahem BS.
Put on that happy face and see how long term that relationship goes. Yeah it's a ruse and the bulk of us are putting on the happy face just for you.
There are more boys born than girls. Between the age of 15-25, this demographic will switch. Men will take on self medication(alcohol, drugs), dangerous activities(fast driving, sports), cheating on spouse/gf, crime(why do you think there are more men in jail?). All for some kind of release. Sometimes those releases aren't enough and consequently men will commit suicide at 6 times the rate of women.
Young boys are now predominatly being raised by single mothers. Sorry ladies. I imagine your intentions are good, but you just don't provide the kind role model to become a man. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 5/18/2007 10:15:30 AM | | I think that men have been conditioned to react less emotionally in difficult situations. They need to be the emotional pillar when the 'you know what' hits the fan. I don't think it's something that can be easily turned on and off. Becuse of this, I think men tend to be more objective and emotionally detached. Do women want/need/expect this? Maybe someone can comment. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 5/18/2007 1:22:24 PM | Well, there is a book by a fellow named Terrence Real called "I Don't Want to Talk About It". It discusses men and emotions, but the short of it is this (and you may not believe it)....
According to Real, men feel emotions more strongly than women, sometimes such that it is overwhelming. Therefore men do what they can to avoid negative feelings especially since they experience it more deeply. Probably some women are ROTFLOL saying, "that unfeeling b@stard...no way he feels anything." But that is where Real's research is. He has a website: http://www.relationalrecoveryinstitute.com/ ... and no, I'm not his shill. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 5/18/2007 4:45:00 PM | I used to be that kind of guy.
It's simple: we're raised to be tough and not to cry. We grow up with other guys (AND girls) who see any admission of pain as weakness. Also, because we're not really raised to think about these things, some of us are so inexperienced with examining our feelings and sharing them that we really don't know how to express it. That probably applies a lot more, if we've had abusive fathers who had no idea how to say thanks or sorry, or took their feelings out with violence, or something. Also, we REALLY might have some big issues that we feel are too personal, or too difficult for others to understand, or painful to talk about.
I guess your real question is: "what does this mean for your relationship, and can it be fixed?"? If so, then...
It means the communication won't be so great, he won't be as happy as he could be, he won't be a fully developed human being, capable of fully caring for others, fully appreciating the world, and fully helping others.
Can it be fixed? Sure. How it can be fixed depends on the guy though... thoughtful intelligent guys might be able to figure it all out themselves, given some time alone in peace (ie, NO distractions, and by time, I mean a total of months, not an hour or two -- we're talking about deep personal insights and lifechanging experiences here!) For a guy who's not a big thinker, you may be able to help by providing lots of support and understanding over time, and making sure he knows that you can understand ANYTHING. This will take a special kind of person, though -- if you spend your time pointing out people's faults "Uggh, she has such big thighs; Uggh, that guy is such a baby; Uggh, what a pervert; Uggh, I would never date a guy like that; Ughh...", then don't be surprised if your guy NEVER opens up to you. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 5/18/2007 5:06:03 PM | | I used to find it hard to talk about emotions because I honestly thought she wouldn't relate to them. Somehow, somewhere down the line I smartened up and realized how very much alike men and women can be about such things. Now I find it liberating to talk about such things with women. | |
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