| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/17/2007 4:49:50 PM | I don't believe we should set out to change people, but I do think we all have areas we'd like to improve, and to have someone that would support that kind of growth would be nice.
And -- Just being with someone for an extended period of time will change you to some extent -- if you are open to experiences and ideas from the other. But it needs to be mutual and both have the responsibility to challenge and support.
You can't be completely shut off from the influence of the other or this is no relationship. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/17/2007 7:18:13 PM | ^ Agreed Janet, I think people change all the time, we're all changing, all the time, based on our experiences. I know I'm not the person I was 20 years ago, although there are some "core values" that I doubt will ever change.
The only constant in this world is change. And yes, all my past relationships have changed me, to some extent, while I was in them, and after they ended. We learn from our experiences, and we change based on what we've learned. Then again, haven't we all been doing that since, uh, birth?  | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/17/2007 8:02:18 PM | People who cannot be comfortable until someone else has changed are the people who need to spend more time focusing on their own problems and not someone elses.
To state it again:
If you want someone to change, you need to change.
If you're in a state where you can't be happy unless such and such happens, you're in the wrong place. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/17/2007 10:02:19 PM | | I don’t mind change as long as it’s gradual and not forced on me like a bit in a horse’s mouth. I don’t like to be nagged about it or put down.. give me time to take it in and work on it .. I think it also depends on what the change is. Get rid of my dog? Psst.. your dreaming. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 12:21:16 AM | Depends on what kind of changes you are talking about. Bad behavior as in cheating?? If a man admits it was wrong then ya, he should want to change and actually change. But if it's how he dresses or brushes his teeth or he's a smoker....then no, he shouldn't have to change just because she says he should. If she was aware of these minor problems and still stays with her man, then she should just deal with them. Smoking and affairs are total opposite directions of the spectrum here. Affairs ARE major, smoking is less so, although a bad habit still, it's minor and if you knew he was a smoker and isn't trying to quit, either stop dating him or deal with it.
I think these changes men talk about are the minor ones like smoking, or the way they dress, or something similar. These are the changes we **** and gripe about that our women try to enforce upon us. You knew me to be this way when we got together, you can either accept it, or move on to the guy you are really looking for.
This is what dating is all about people, learning about the person and deciding if you can accept the little things that bug you. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:01:23 AM | | To OP, who are you some sort of a god? Really isn't what you're really doing judging another as less than or somehow as unworthy or lacking? For one to change , it must come from within. For another to try to change them, it's called ABUSE! So if that's who you are, May I suggest professional help. Maybe you may wish to change. I do understand that it's a most difficult process as one has to look at themself and what is normally seem isn't admirable. It does take a lot of courage to attempt this on the other hand, the rewards are enormous ! Just think of this, if your mom was forever trying to change your dad, she was being very mean to him. To get involved with a guy with the thought of changing him is from the beginning, a most unhealthy relationship. After all what attracts you to a guy, then you would want to change that? I wonder how much happier the world would be if everyone practiced unconditional love and acceptance. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:51:18 AM | And now for one of my favorite quotes:
"Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine".
"True" change has to come from within, you cannot force it on another individual. Change is not easy. Change is typically something you cannot do alone and requires professional help. Took me a year and a half of very hard work to change some things.
Other things that people don't like? Oh well, I'm not changing. Things that are harmful, damaging and unhealthy I will always be willing to change but if you dont like the way I dress, or the fact I dye my hair (it would be white if I didn't) or something trivial? Then you are shallow and not worth knowing.
Nobody can make you change and if they give you an ultimatum? Well we know how well those work in relationships...
Cheers! | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 9:16:38 AM | | I've reached the point in my life where I'm very comfortable with who I am and what I'm all about. Does that mean I couldn't use some occasional fashion advice from a special lady in my life from time to time? Of course not! But if/when I see a need for some sort of major change in me, I'm man enough, and self-aware enough, to make that decision for myself, without having somebody else tell me "this is what you need to do." Coercion is not love, and trying to change somebody against their will only leaves behind resentment, at best. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 11:12:31 AM | I have had so many changes that I am not even the same person I used to be. The sad news is that these major changes don't happen within a relationship. They have always happened OUTSIDE a relationship for me.
There is still time for me to learn how to change and grow INSIDE a relationship though. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 3:01:17 PM | | I could/would change if I knew that the thing she wanted to change about me was a legit problem, not just some peeve of hers. For example, if she was getting on my case to quit smoking (I dont smoke but it's an example) I'd do it. But I wouldn't let her mold me into her "ideal man". | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 5:07:05 PM | Sometimes, women see changes that a man makes as a signal to keep pushing, making more demands and asserting dominance. So, the man has to put his foot down if he doesn't want to end up whipped.
The "join in on that adventure" is an interesting way of putting it. If women were more willing to embrace changes themselves, they would probably be more successful at forcing changes on men. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:18:13 PM | Well first of all. I tend to agree with some of the others. It isn't just one side. The main difference is how a man or a women handle it.
But in a relationship I changed everything to try and make the gal I was happier. But you know what I found? I had made most of the changes and she hadn't done much in return.
And then lied about it afterwards.
I think a anwser to your question would be. it depends on the two people. And it can't really be about who was wrong or who was right, even if it had something to do with cheating or not. If the women didn't kick him out and end it there, then there had to be something. So its something both sides would have to work on. But that can't work until its a two way street. So if he doesn't work on things with the girl. Or even the other way around then it would probably never get solved | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 9:10:47 PM | If anybody thinks have they have the power to change anybody .......they're living in an ILLUSION.
Personally,I get annoyed with people who try to change me........I'm fine the way I am.....thank you very much.
However,if somebody wants to change,it has to be something they want for themselves,but they have to see it as something desireble, because if they don't see it as desireable,how will they get anywhere near to changing?
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 9:24:16 PM |
If anybody thinks have they have the power to change anybody .......they're living in an ILLUSION.
Personally,I get annoyed with people who try to change me.........I'm fine the way I am.........thank you very much.
Yes its quite an illusion,..and overpowering many. Only to lead them down a path delivering an unrecoverable wound. In their eyes they will be the "right" ones, but in the end they were only proved to be a replica of a clone, thinking like so many others it is possible to re-create another human being to their liking. | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/18/2007 9:41:35 PM | Trying to change someone is really saying to them............"You better BEHAVE the way I want you to behave,or else I shall punish myself by having negative feelings of you.''
Just lovely.........lol
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/19/2007 3:59:53 PM | CHANGE ?
Two people find each other in a giant sea, and find enough of each other that they want to live together. GREAT.!! But is there enough respect and consideration for the other to "accept them"?
What is it with this age-old habit of having to CHANGE your partner?
A good relationship of two people will grow,evolve and meld together.....NOT be a fixed plateau where one is bent on "converting" the other .
Smacks of manipulation more than anything; and is probably the one factor that will break the bonds of (potential) realtionship ....from my point of view.
If I like the persons, its because I like how she has come through life thus far....those values, principles, ethics, skills, habits are all part of the package, just as much as if children are involved.
I'm old enough and experienced enough to know that my tolerance for manipualtive, greedy, self-serving, pompous, arogant people will make me leave them in the middle of a crowded room............ | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/24/2007 8:24:24 AM | Charlie, charlie, chinga, chinga.....You are getting sleepy, very sleepy.......Now, when you wake up you will be transformed into somebody that every woman desires! You will be like a butterfly in it's cocoon, meditating, re-animating and emerging glorious, victorious and oh..Charlie, Charlie, Chinga. Hmmm "grow inside a relationship...Dirty boy! News flash you change and grow in every relationship whether you are cognisant of it or not..Time reveals all,,let me look in my (crystal )ball.....Yes, men do want to change, they do! Just need a great woman to inspire all these revelations and transformations...Hmmmm, it also says breakfast is the most important meal of the day..... Did I say Crystal Ball ? Now that's heavy! | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/24/2007 12:07:28 PM | | When I met my ex wife I fell in love for who she appeared to be. I found out after marrying her she had a few qualities I could do without but I accepted them and moved on. She on the other hand knew me better and what I was like and when we got married wanted me to change instantly. I thought she loved me for who I was and accepted me that way. First thing she did was stop me from going to the gym 7 days a week to zero days a week. Then she wanted me to communicate better and I did (which is a good thing) but it was never to her satisfaction. And she jusy continued over the years to want more changes. I grew angry and resentful towards her. We finally ended the marriage after almost 7 years of trying. Now I have someone in my life that is just like me personality wise and oppisite sex. We get along great respect and accept each other for all our qualities good and bad. If you feel you need to change your partner to fit your needs you need to find a different partner. Just my opinion. | |
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Tarra
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Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 49 | |
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| Women want to change men - do men ever want to change?
Posted: 3/24/2007 12:44:22 PM | | Ubko kind of said what I was thinking, but because I love to talk...err... type, I'll say that yeah, I mean guys love to change. Improve ourselves and what not. I think the kind of person who doesn't aspire to be someone better than they are is really not someone who will, or indeed should not be dating someone who aspires to be something more. Which is why, in relationships it's as important to look at where you both want to go as it is to consider where you've been and where you are. I don't know. That's a tough assessment to make for sure. But when a woman (or a man) wants to change their partner to conform to that person's goals and aspirations, and dreams, then you have a problem I think. Sure there's a good portion of give and take - but it shouldn't be tough to makes those if, generally, you're headed in the same direction. | |
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