| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 7:12:26 AM |
You do not need to take responsibility for her troubled past (if that was indeed the case). It is not our job to 'fix' the broken ones. We can choose to help *if we want* and the girl wants it. If she knows she has a problem with sex and it is ruining her relationships then it is entirely up to her to address the problem.
Typically male, you misunderstood the point I was making. I wasn't saying take responsibility for her troubled past. I was talking about responsibility for the bad sex. In case I am very much mistaken, and I have been doing something wrong all these years, sex with another person involves two (or more, if you are that way inclined) people. To say you had bad sex because the other person was unresponsive, to me, says that person was unable to please them in a way that would make them responsive.
The point about a troubled past was an assumption as I do not know her history, however, if it is relevant then she already started to address the problem by having sex in the first place. I stated earlier, I have been in relationships where the person I was with thought that they were bad in bed / didn't enjoy sex, yet after a bit of time getting to know them and working out what THEY needed it all changed. Sure, I could have hopped on, shot my load, and whilst she was off making me a cup of tea thought to myself how rubbish she was in bed. I choose not to be an a***hole though. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 7:35:46 AM | Sex with a man who is only interested in his own needs is the biggest turn off. i was with my ex for two years and the sex just got worse and worse, i loved him dearly but in the end i couldnt fancy him in anyway because he was so selfish!
the stupid thing is he actually thought he was really good and i tried to hint at a lot of things to help him out but he wasnt having it.
We are now just friends, he couldnt handle it and neither could! i couldnt get past not fancying him anymore.
There were quite a few other issues surrounding his ego and not just the bed room stuff before anyone jumps down me throat  | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 7:36:58 AM | renaissance.....more men should think like you...Bravo for addressing a problem and having the patience and compassion to think of someone else before your own gradifacation.... I compleatly understand what your trying to say...Alot of women have this happen to them. I talked to alot of women who say they have never even exprienced a oragasim but '''walk the walk and talk the talk'' along with the rest...It a shame really to not be able to enjoy something that with understanding compassion and time could be mind blowing eyes rollin back of head earth shattering scrumpsious sex and a whole change outlook on their subject...and in life.......a dead fuock means something needs awakening. A good 'lover ' would see signs and would act on them ...more men should think like you they just might end up getting wore out and love it lol | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 7:57:15 AM | I'm older now and realize as we age some people may have acquired bed habits that can really be a bother to a partner sleeping right up next to them.
It certainly wouldn't end a relationship for me, nor would it prohibit one from beginning.
I'd suggest double beds, even pushed up side by side. You can always be together on one or the other for the intimate times but for the actual restful sleep, you're in your "own" bed and not bothered by whatever may be going on in the other.
Yeah, it means no cuddling while sleeping... but it also means you still love each other in the morning, lol! | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:07:24 AM |
Typically male, you misunderstood the point I was making. I wasn't saying take responsibility for her troubled past. I was talking about responsibility for the bad sex. In case I am very much mistaken, and I have been doing something wrong all these years, sex with another person involves two (or more, if you are that way inclined) people. To say you had bad sex because the other person was unresponsive, to me, says that person was unable to please them in a way that would make them responsive.
The point about a troubled past was an assumption as I do not know her history, however, if it is relevant then she already started to address the problem by having sex in the first place. I stated earlier, I have been in relationships where the person I was with thought that they were bad in bed / didn't enjoy sex, yet after a bit of time getting to know them and working out what THEY needed it all changed. Sure, I could have hopped on, shot my load, and whilst she was off making me a cup of tea thought to myself how rubbish she was in bed. I choose not to be an a***hole though.
Speaking as a female I can say that that's rubbish.
Basically, you are casting the female as some sort of wilting, delicate flower that is reduced to "hinting" as to what she needs instead of being a rational, capable adult that can comfortably speak about any subject.
Every person is responsible for his or her own sexual satisfaction. If one cannot clearly articulate to their partner what their sexual needs in a clear manner and without resorting to "hinting" then they have NO business having sex. Being female doesn't give you a pass nor should it. You will not burst into flames if you tell your partner that you need more clitoral stimulation or that you like more foreplay. You DO NOT get what you want unless you ask for it. Would you go into a Starbucks and hint around that you want a cup of coffee?
If one has "hang-ups" then it is their responsibility to deal with them and resolve the issues BEFORE they have sex and/or informing their partner that they have some issues. There are myriad books, DVD's, support groups and therapists out there. FYI; I say this from experience; I took responsibility and dealt with my own issues instead of making it someone else's problem.
OT: When I was dating I had a personal philosophy. I didn't expect the first time to be earth shattering as it is generally a bit awkward and you don't know each other's bodies yet. If the 2nd time is bad I'd communicate exactly what I needed again to my partner (and I'd expect him to do the same). If by the 3rd time I see no effort or desire to improve I'd stick a fork in it because it's done. Sex is extremely important to me and after having endured a sexless marriage I'd never put up with less than I deserve or desire. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:21:28 AM | GothyGeek, you are just being contentious for the sake of it. I wasn't painting women out to be anything like that, if you took the time to actually read and understand what I was saying you would see this. It cuts both ways, yet, on the whole, men are physiologically capable of achieving the end result faster than women. Yes, I know you will probably come back and say that this is not true in all cases, blah, blah, blah. I understand this and my post was in context to a man saying that he dumped his girlfriend because she was unresponsive in bed. Now as far as I know she may have actually just been rubbish in bed, yet there could have been something else as well. I pointed out that he had some responsibility to not just come on her face and assume she liked it. (Mildly paraphrased there)
The point I was trying to get to, and it has clearly gone over some heads, is that instead of taking the time out to discover and help someone who hasn't got your ability to communicate effectively, the decision was made to end it. Now that person is probably looking for someone else and will maybe go down the same route all because he is unaware of his own selfish needs, along with many, many other men out there. It is possible to be a 'real' man without having to resort to the stereotypical things.
Your utopian ideal that everyone should embrace their issues and problems then talk them through is brilliant. Never gonna happen though, and just because you have come to terms with it and are able to embrace it that doesn't mean that we should disregard others that have not. This is just going to go around in circles because these things always do, as it is often difficult to communicate in a turn-based environment without the ability to address specifics. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:02:55 AM | Teeth grinders can be one of the worse.
Snoring it depends on the type of snore.
I would not welcome someone into my bed ever again once they had pissed in it lol. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 11:45:55 AM | ^^^No peeing the bed...
At least with teeth grinding you can get a plate that helps...
Here's one...A friend dated a guy and really cared for him and after 3 months of dating they slepted together. Well during love making he pinched her nipples so hard they bleed...Well that was it! OUCH! | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 11:59:25 AM | I once dated a guy whose major source of being turned on was pulling the hair out of my head!!!
Not fun, -----and freakin painful!!!
Geez- I was like "Calm down."-- Oh, and he though that swearing like a jack-ass while pulling the poor little hairs out of my head was an extra turn on... 
Thank God, this was just foreplay stuff- it never advanced to anything more serious!!!
I'm not sure my scalp could have handled it!!!  | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:01:28 PM |
A friend dated a guy and really cared for him and after 3 months of dating they slepted together. Well during love making he pinched her nipples so hard they bleed...Well that was it! OUCH! mHm.. unless he can control himself, this is really hard to take in the long run... or maybe wearing false nipples would help? :P
Will the simple overal incompatibility in bed count Cyn? Becasue he might not really be bad in bed, he might just have totally different needs, temperament and ;) habits in bed than me. And I could not spend the whole life with someone I wouldn't enjoy sex with. And I won't mind being called shallow for that.. ;) | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:02:31 PM | Oh yeah .........
When I became single 4 years ago. The first two females I went out with - just stripped - we had not so much as even kissed - no nothing - just stripped. Sex was just part of a date to them. I could have been any guy.
I tried one more date - she headed in the same direction.
I stopped dating. I had read about gals treating guys like a sausage with feet - but had no idea it was true - it is.
The next one (if there ever is a next one) will wanna boink ***ME*** not just some guy. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:12:43 PM | That guy is one unstable dude. I don't think he ever went to anger management school.
Joaquin | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:20:45 PM | Will the simple overal incompatibility in bed count Cyn?
Yup you bet! A coupon for sex school...
maybe wearing false nipples would help
Kat my friend...You are too funny
Or a wig for jj4u | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:25:53 PM | Renaissance07 - I hear what you are saying, and I for one appreciate the fact that you would actually take into account a women's non-responsiveness not as an insult to you. I spent 23 years in a sexless marriage, didn't matter what I did, said, suggested etc. it was all about him, and how & when he wanted it. After so many years of this, I just gave up on trying anymore.
I honestly thought that the fact that I didn't enjoy sex was my own fault - for whatever reasons. Then came the new relationships, and of course the whole sex situation. What a wonderful thing to find out that with the right partner, one who actually cares and is willing to communicate with me that an intimate relationship can be fabulous!
Yes, it would be a perfect world if everyone could just say what it is that they want/need etc, but some of us are just not that vocal about such things right off - after so many years of being ignored, it did take a bit of time before I figured out that it was just my ex that was the problem, and now I can be very vocal, (and even demanding) and that could actually scare off some men, I have found one who is willing to listen and talk to me about this and it has made for some very enjoyable times. There is also the fact that if a woman tells a man what she wants/needs to be aroused, he would just be offended that she was bashing his style. I have heard that this can work both ways. Communication is the key in every part of a relationship.
Back to the original post - me ex was a snorer - very irregular and loud! and he would snore in any position, even on his stomach, so the usual nudge or try to turn him over just never worked. Plugging his nose though (only for a SECOND) did help sometimes - but if I did it too often he would wake up and get right pissed off. geesh. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:33:25 PM |
Has anyone ever had something done to them in bed that caused you to call it quits?
And I don't mean snoring...
or
Just plan bad sex...
What would bug you so bad...that it's over?
My cousin would pee the bed when she drank...I love her to pieces but if I was her boyfriend I would call it quits Biting sucks. So does mood swings. As far as bed..... lets see ...jamming their finger in my a*** sucks, and so does a hairy body..other than that you can pretty much do as you please and I am fine. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:51:49 PM |
calgarytek.....I know what you mean by odour. My ex would rock home from the pub reeking with alcohol that was soooo bad it seeped through his skin. It's a putrid smell that lingers in the air for hours. Should I smell that odour again, I would run.....
These were the nights I would sleep on the couch, in lieu of smelly drunk trying to get a bit.
Oh lucky you, just alcohol. She was worse, I mean worse like rotten fish worse. I'm not kidding, it was a very sharp odor. I just didn't know where it came from...
Oh well. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:17:23 PM |
GothyGeek, you are just being contentious for the sake of it. I wasn't painting women out to be anything like that, if you took the time to actually read and understand what I was saying you would see this.
If by "being contentious for the sake of it" you mean "completely and totally disagree with what you said" then yes, you are correct.
It cuts both ways, yet, on the whole, men are physiologically capable of achieving the end result faster than women. Yes, I know you will probably come back and say that this is not true in all cases, blah, blah, blah.
And this takes away from my point, how? That's right, it doesn't. It's also the same nonsense of gender stereotypes as per usual.
I understand this and my post was in context to a man saying that he dumped his girlfriend because she was unresponsive in bed. Now as far as I know she may have actually just been rubbish in bed, yet there could have been something else as well. I pointed out that he had some responsibility to not just come on her face and assume she liked it. (Mildly paraphrased there)
And you have no way of knowing if they discussed it. You have no way of knowing if he asked if there were issues. You have no idea of anything that he might or might have done because he didn't say and you just jumped to conclusions.
The point I was trying to get to, and it has clearly gone over some heads, is that instead of taking the time out to discover and help someone who hasn't got your ability to communicate effectively, the decision was made to end it. Now that person is probably looking for someone else and will maybe go down the same route all because he is unaware of his own selfish needs, along with many, many other men out there. It is possible to be a 'real' man without having to resort to the stereotypical things.
1) I completely and totally understood what you said. I just happen to think it's a lot of hooey. It's you that doesn't quite seem to grasp that your galahading isn't being supportive, it's re-enforcing old stereotypes and expected gender roles. It's always been interesting to me how frequently "I don't agree with you" translates to "you don't understand" and is often communicated with as much condescension as can be mustered . Funny that.
2) Not everyone considers their sexual needs as "selfish". If someone isn't communicating what they want to their own partner they do not have a right to expect their needs to be met. Having a pen!s does not equal "mandatory mind-reader".
3) I don't date "stereotypical" men; rather I date lovely, interesting, intelligent, feminist/humanist men. I don't believe that sexual selfishness is a "male-only" trait and you demean men by insisting otherwise. BTW, this comes from a feminist. If women truly want to be treated as the equal they are then they must ask for the things they need and want without treating a man as a "selfish pig" when they've given men no clue as to what they truly want.
Your utopian ideal that everyone should embrace their issues and problems then talk them through is brilliant.
No, it's called being a grown-up. Being an adult is hardly "Utopian". It's mandatory if you want to have a mature, strong and healthy relationship.
Never gonna happen though, and just because you have come to terms with it and are able to embrace it that doesn't mean that we should disregard others that have not.
The onus has always been and always will be on the person with the issues to fix what is broken. Again, when did being a mature, rational adult become optional? I may be a bleeding heart liberal (with the social services background to prove it) but I still embrace the concept of self-responsibility. People can choose to be a "victim" , make bad choices and blame others when they don't get what they want. It still doesn't take away from the fact that they are responsible for them. I came by this knowledge the hard way and I've earned my lumps along the road. Regardless of why I made some of the decisions I did I was still responsible for them, for learning from them and for changing things if I was unhappy. When you cast men as the "teh meenyheads that abuse teh poor wimmens !!!11onneeleventy!!!111!" you put degrade both sexes. Men and women are neither saints nor sinners. They are people who should be judged on an individual basis.
Let me say it again clearly: No one has any right to be angry with someone for not meeting their needs when they HAVE NOT told the other person what their needs are. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:25:18 PM | snoring and farting, for starts.
once had a gf that snored. i guess you get used to it, or so ive herd, but i couldnt. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 10:11:25 PM | I've had a boyfriend that smelled like cigarettes everywhere! No matter if he smoked hours ago, it didn't leave his body.
My friend would complain how her ex boyfriend didn't last no longer than a minute and when she tried to talk to him about it, he didn't care about her needs.
A turn-off in bed is selfishness. Sex involves 2 people pleasuring each other. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/19/2007 10:15:27 PM | | I had a near breakup with my last boyfriend because he made me feel like he was going for a marathon orgasm session but was ignoring my needs. We broke up later anyway, but that night resulted in a lot of thinking on my part... I hate it when men are selfish in bed, because I'm generous, I get taken advantage of. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/20/2007 12:52:41 AM | Oh, selfish in bed...have I got a story about that one. This guy went beyond "no foreplay, just jump right in, get his, and then roll over and go to sleep." That's what he was all about, yes, but here's the kicker. He had finished and was showing no indication that he cared whether I had a good time or not, and I dropped a hint that maybe I'd like a little pleasure too. I can barely bring myself to tell his response. Putting it as ladylike as possible: he took my wrist, guided my hand to a certain locality, and then said, "There you go. Ain't nothin' wrong with it."
That relationship lasted about a month. The only reason it lasted that long was because I was still very young and didn't have anyone to compare him to. I didn't know they got any better than that! But boy, they do. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/20/2007 2:34:52 AM |
snoring and farting, for starts. .....There goes my sex life, right down the gurgler. Do fanny farts count?
I must admit I have been told I snore, but hey, does a woman really believe what a man says? Honestly ME snore? Come on now, look at the innocent face. | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/20/2007 3:57:47 AM | The one that drove me nuts kind of sounds like a weird sexual thing (that's another thread that is already start somewhere here called white dragon or something or another). Now I'll admit I am a teeth grinder sometimes and I'm sure I scratch unconsciously when I'm sleeping. I used to have this Rott that could let one rip at night (she slept on my side of the bed) that would wake me up from a coma! I probably even snore now and then.
I know I have this annoying habit (any carb heavy dinner turns me into a human furnace by bedtime)of being a "stealth spooner", where I will grab my S.O. and spoon just long enough to make us both so dang hot the covers come off and then I roll away, then we both get cold, covers come back on, repeat cycle as necessary.
I'm single because...oh I think I just figured it out! I either need to have my sleep chemically induced or I need four point restraints to prevent the stealh spooning. Getting tied up in bed...hmm has that ever been done?
Anyhow, the only thing that ever bothered me was called....
"The Sleeping Boxer". Where the S.O. would litterally just start hitting, punching, kicking while sleeping and the two choices were wake them up or slip away to the couch. Experience taught me it was better to slip away to the couch because on the nights where the boxing matches were scheduled it was an all night thing.
About the only other thing I could think of is if someone was in bed and turned green and started pulling an exorcist thing. That would be a turnoff.
Cheers | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/20/2007 7:58:18 AM | ^^^Yes that reminds me of a not so fun night...
After a night of good drinking(when I was young...) my hubby started to get a little frisky...well during our fun, I got that green feeling. With a please get off...he was unresponsive...well he ware it! Thank goodness he has a good sence of humor, he found it pretty funny. I was green with a face that was blushed... | |
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| Bad Bed Partner!
Posted: 3/20/2007 8:40:16 AM | I like how we use phrases like, "typically male" to describe bad male behavior.
What the hell is that about? I think that "typical male" behavior is a great deal more complex than we give it credit for.
I don't consider myself to be anything overly special, but I don't fall into very many of the "typical male" categories. I don't feel that I'm atypical. I think that the average guy gets a bad wrap, and that those of us that fit fewer of the stereotypes perpetuate it for our own personal gain. | |
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