| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/19/2007 7:22:36 PM | I guess this begs to be answered if men arent wired to cheat why do SO many do it even the ones in happy relationships? Come up with another logical explanation.
Hmmmm ~ that's a good question. I am not "qualified"to speak for all men, or for ONE man for that matter, for obvious reasons....LOL ~ But, I can explain why my ex-husband cheated. It's really rather simple: he cheated because he was incapable of living under conditions that appeared "happy" to others, yet really weren't happy at all. We were the epitome of a happily-married-couple..........on the outside. We really didn't find much value in one another on the inside. He cheated, I stopped talking, and finally it was obvious that I either had to adjust to his needing other women for the sex he wasn't getting at home or we needed to be apart. In the end, the cheating wasn't the problem ~ but it was the answer.
As to why he cheated that is also simple: he had NO biological children, nor did he want biological children (so it wasn't procreation that turned his crank.) He cheated for sex, a biological need within himself. (Not to mention, he was a tad narcicistic....LMAO) My point, I have yet to meet a truly happily married man (in a traditional monogamous marriage) who cheated. Hence, my opinion: a truly happy/fulfilled man (or woman) most likely has NO need, no interest, nor do they possess the lack of respect required to cheat on someone they truly treasure. On the other side of that coin ~ I've also been lucky enough to have been in loving monogamous relationships in which cheating never was an issue. The difference? The two people involved.
It is much easier to explain this topic if poly-amorous relationships were being discussed, but that isn't a topic well-received or discussable in these particular forums, mainly because we don't live in a society which embraces alternative-type relationships, so few are open to the idea and even fewer are knowledgable enough to discuss the dynamics vs. the emotions the topic evokes.
Men cheat in part because of biological drive, in part because of societal norms, and in part because they often think they have something to prove. But men do have a choice. They have to choose whether or not to cheat, and that choice is often based on character, upbringing, spirituality/consciousness, and/or environmental influences.
You can really start having fun with this topic when you consider the role societal norms play in cheating. What if we lived in a society where a man's dalliances with woman other than the one he has children with, was considered acceptable, or even desirable?
I'm not sure if men cheat because they have something to prove. But I know some men who cheat, because they can. Meaning their wives/gfs have allowed it for so long and so many times, that it has become THEIR "norm."
I do have to argue with upbrining and/or spirituality. We are adults. It's time we are responsible for our own actions without blaming our faults/flaws on our parents or previous generations. If you can't live life on your own terms once you are an adult, you have many more issues than just wanting to play winkie-dinkie outside of your monogamous relationship. Sorry, but I don't buy into the "I was raised better than that" or "I was raised in a household where porn was on the tv 24/7 so it's what we do." No. Accountability is vital and we know right from wrong after our hand is slapped for being in the cookie jar one too many times. I'm not stating some don't subscribe to the age-old excuse "well, my father did it" (insert "mother" if applicable) but that argument really makes me giggle ~ that is so cliche and so silly in light of the resources we have to evaluate, learn, experience and be involved in the world at large. We are free-thinking, if we choose to be.
Social mores are very simple to comprehend. We live in a Christian-based environment with has made poly-lifestyles, bigomy, gay/lesbian, etc., unacceptable by the mainstream Christian believers. Here in the US, there just isn't enough of a cross-cultural basis for an understanding of lifestyles that are not considered the social "norm." Yet that certainly doesn't mean that particular social norm is the only acceptable form of relationship.
I am not bi-sexual, bi-curious, poly-amorous or otherwise interested in sharing the man in my life ~ but that doesn't mean that I begrudge those parties who are in open-marriages, polyamorous relationships, gay/lesbians households, etc. Oddly ~ most of the non-traditional relationship households I know personally are not only happy/healthy/etc., but longevity doesn't seem to be an issue. My only personal conclusion is that it's just easier for certain "lifestyle" participants to understand their partner. If there is a need for more than one woman, a poly-household not only accepts that, but expects and respects it. Maybe the bottom line isn't how anyone is "wired" but more how open to the truth they are?????
Is hearing the ugly truth better than hearing a pretty lie????  | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/19/2007 7:55:26 PM | Just a quick point of clarification...the environment in which a person is raised is not an excuse...but it does help form that person's mindset. If he was raised to believe that men are suppose to have many women, for example, and nothing of a stronger influence comes along to counter that view, then he will not be capable of thinking there is something wrong with cheating.
An excuse would be required only if he did indeed feel it was wrong, and did it anyway :) | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:15:31 PM | ^^^^I completely agree. My point is that assuming we are discussing adults, we have the ability to be free-thinking. Status-quo usually exists due to personal view-point, rather than clear thinking. I wasn't arguing against your point. I've spent my entire life watching men (and a few women) in unhappy situations remaining in those situations simply because they believed there are NO other options. Free-thinking, education, open-minded attitudes and the ability to decide for our own selves what may or may not be good for our own lives is sometimes overlooked because it's much easier to "excuse" away certain behaviors.
I understand your point being more of a "nurture" rather than "nature" stance (in simple terms for discussion purposes only.)
To be honest, I was a prime candidate to marry a man who would inevitably be unfaithful, simply because it's the social "norm" in my geographic area. It is overlooked rather than dealt with ~ I just happened to see it a little differently!! I do agree with you, however.
The truth is: what you accept in the beginning, you can EXPECT in the end! And, if we were in a European forum, we probably wouldn't be having this discussion!! Happy posting.  | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:17:53 PM | I agree that a lifetime of monogamy with the same person is quite the trial. Cheating is separate though from have different partners. I've had a few different partners without cheating on them. Let one go, get to know another.
Cheating is a moral issue. But sex is sex. I love someone for who they are, not because I have sex with them. I've been totally in love with a partner who was not that sexual.
Problem is, most men want to be able to have more than one woman but want the woman to be faithful to them. That is speaking in generalities, not swingers. But look at polygamists (i.e. Mormons) they don't want their wives screwing every guy in the church - just them.
Spread your seed all around if you must, if you can. But don't lie about being faithful while you are doing it. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:26:56 PM | | I don't know about it just being men. Honestly I think that people weren't meant as a species to be monogamous, it's a choice. This is just MY opinion keep in mind. I have NEVER cheated on anyone, and never will because my morals are too strict to. I am not religious, I don't avoid cheating because the bible says so etc.. I avoid cheating because I hate hurting people. However, although I'm not making excuses for people who do cheat on spouses... I do believe some people aren't capable of being with one person. It all depends where you draw the line. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:45:27 PM | | No, little boys are wired to be irresponsible. When they become older little boys they just continue to be self centered and ignorant. Unfortunately, there are always girls willing to allow little boys to remain little boys. Real men don't cheat. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:49:59 AM | usroberts (OP),
I think both men and women are 'wired' for it. Sexual desire is a desire... just like any other desire, the grass will many times seem greener on the side of the fence you're not on. That's why you never want to settle down with someone who doesn't have dating experience over the span of some years.
If you think from a classical/stereotypical biological perspective (or godly -- whichever way you want to look at it), men are designed to spread their seed and find other women attractive after dealing with one for a while. Women have a conflicting desire for both the alpha male (passion, dominance) and the beta male (provider, caregiver), and when it comes to inner desires, they're just as unsure with one type as another (ie like picking a resturant).
All in all, it's a human thing -- especially in this busy, global world. It's the same as wanting to settle down, but wanting to travel and live life a little more on the edge. If someone has those conflicting desires -- better hope they're not in a relationship! They're cheating! | |
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| Are men wired to cheat? genetic? Sex does not = love
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:06:15 AM | | From a sociological stance, read the Kinsey reports. Very interesting writing that comes out of Bloomington, IN in the late 40's and early 50's. I think that men cheat more than women in these reports due to the social - economics of pregnancy. I did indicate a 50% greater rate of cheating in men. This rate, 50%, is still about the same today in terms of chronic cheats. The women's rates are still lower. I believe that this could be geneticly based, as a loyalty gene that is bases in more than one set. Part of that set resides on the female X chromasome. Possible the could be controlled in the future by the introduction of genetic thearpy, adding the 'missing' genes to the genetic pool as recombinate mitochondrial DNA in a benign virus. LOL | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:09:36 AM |
Lets look in the animal kingdom NO animal will stay with the same mate, some may but they will also mate with another animal.
Better do some brushing up on a few things here. There are more than a few animals that will remain with a mate for life and in the process of that they will NOT mate with any other. Eagles, wolves, even geese form life long mating bonds. Now unless you have some knowledge that escapes the rest of us from somewhere I have never seen an animal reading the bible, sitting in a church or dropping a 20 dollar bill in the offering plate so some greedy priest can make sure that he has this years new caddilac right out of the show room. We are all creatures of evolution. Because of this though, even though we may be wired to look at a gorgeous body on a woman walking by, or because a woman looks at a guy walking by does not mean we are goint to cheat on a partner. Evolution means to change, grow and become something more than where you started. For us, as human beings, part of our evolution through societies structures has been a base that we should be faithful to our partner. We have evolved as a species to a point where we can control our instincts(OK, yes there are some a whole lot better at controlling themselves than others) and be able to go with the "look but don't touch" policy. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:57:15 AM | MS i will believe wiki over you
Main article: Animal sexuality
Monogamy is one of several mating systems observed in animals. The amount of social monogamy in animals varies across taxa, with over 90 percent of birds engaging in social monogamy but only 3 percent of mammals engaging in social monogamy. The amount of sexual monogamy appears quite rare in the animal kingdom.
(((((((((((((((It is becoming clear that even animals that are socially monogamous engage in extra-pair copulations.)))))))))))))))
So every animal will cheat. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 1:01:41 PM | | Why is Sex Fun ~ The Evolution of Human Sexuality by Jared Diamond is a very good book. It talks about why we do the things we do. Whether they are hard wired into us or taught through example. Chapters include monogomy, which is interesting because if you view things the way he does, historically women had multiple partners depending on what there needs were at the time.My favorite chapter was on why we are attracted to certain physical aspects of the opposite sex ie. big breasts, big penises ect... | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 1:08:19 PM | YES! until they've walked in on there best friend with his d**k in your girls mouth......I WILL NEVER CHEAT! but trust is another issue after that | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 1:19:10 PM | To answer your question; Yes and no and no more than women are .
When our animal instincts told us to pro-create, there was no such term or even language. Or relationships.
Once we evolved and no longer had to populate the earth we became domesticated and became part of an important part of the family structure involved in a relationship.
The fact is you can't cheat if your not in a relationship,and women cheat just as much as men if not more. If your not looking for a relationship, don't get in one and let the other person know that. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 5:44:23 PM | OP
The local librarian can help you out with finding a book and reading it based on the fact that some animals DO and WILL mate for life. Or at least until the mate passes on. Ms 1970 is right about eagles, wolves, geese, beavers, and many others. Check your references that cheating is based or focused around a life long bond, not the reproductive scenenarios in nature. Wolves and eagles will not cheat because they have a life long bond and 'cheating' is extremely rare. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 5:54:46 PM | | I agree with self-awareness being more about intelligence than spirituality. I am far from being spiritual, yet I seem to have a profound understanding of myself and my surroundings.. weird eh? | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 6:03:33 PM | Why is it wrong to cheat when you don't believe in a higher power? Because when you are in a monogamous relationshihp your partner expects monogamy and to cheat would be to lie to your significant other. Thats it. Are trust and respect only found in religious people? I don't think so. But then i'm a non religious person who is very open and honest.
I am one of those people in an open relationship and not because we're afraid one of us would cheat. We spent the first few years of our marriage NOT cheating on each other. Even in an open relationship there are boundaries and lines. Crossing them would be considered cheating. I can only speak for us but the open marriage has nothing to do with lack of respect or love... I may be an odd woman but i can have sex without falling in love and i do not equate sex with love either. If my husband were to never be able to have sex again it wouldn't change my love for him one bit.
Are men wired to cheat? No, like someone said, we are self aware humans who make choices. Do I think men are wired for monogamy? It depends on the man. I told a guy the other day that he had more sterotypically female views on love and romance than i do. HE is wired for monogamy. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:41:24 PM | Saying we're hardwired to cheat is the same as saying we're hardwired to kill. If we are going to permit one, then we must also permit the other...we've evolved beyond that now.
But I do know how I feel about cheating in a monogamous relationship. I think it's cowardly and of a "base" mentality...hormones or no hormones, we don't go shoot our neighbor because he pissed us off, and I think we have more control over our hormones than we like to pretend we do.
I'm not going to buy into the bullshyt about it. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:49:31 PM | So your actually gonnna compare cheating with murdering someone? Cmon now. As i said i dont cheat but comparing it to murder is frekin ridiculous.
I was waiting for someone to say something to that effect. Fact is your wont go to the chair or be put behind bars for cheating you will for murder. You are comparing apples and oranges.
The problem with that theory is enough people dont murder for it to be considered normal alot of people cheat.
In fact ive been cheated on twice my whole life, One of the girls i actually loved. Was it terrible? yes! But i would never put it in the same category as taking someones life thats foolishness.
Hormones dont drive a normal person to kill just to kill, hormoes do drive a person to want to have sex. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 12:05:08 AM | Msg: "MY" girl, "MY" woman? No women or other human is "mine". Slavery was done away with long time ago! Each person is a free and independent entity. People are not things to become "possessions". The woman I am with has been with other men before me. Should that bother me? What does sex have to do with love? We are supposed to love all other humans, does that mean we have to make love - have sex with ALL of them?
I think that in principle men and women are free to have sex with any other adult they wish to. A relationship is based on friendship in addition to love. I thus do not see what sex has to do with it. It is not correlated.
Of course it is prudent to have sex with people we like as people not just as sexual creatures. With people we know, rather than strangers or enemies.
Each person is sole "owner" of his/her own body and sex is the ultimate exchange of pleasure between two humans. Hedonism is not a crime. Au contraire.
Never mind ya all! Maybe I am just too European in my thinking about these things!!! | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 12:09:53 AM | Nick I agree with you.
To the cultures that believe cheating is alright whose to say our views are right and thiers are wrong? How can you say your right and they are wrong? You dont believe in a god so how can you say that culture beliefs is wrong but ours is right?
You cant. Plain and simple. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 12:16:34 AM | | Do not get me wrong! If two people decide both freely to be exclusive in their sexuality, then sleeping with someone else or oral or even kissing is "cheating", no excuses. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 12:55:19 AM | Men are hardwired to procreate, to continue or blood line. That doesn't mean we want to have sex with every woman we see. That a man cheats, is selfish. We are no longer cavemen. If your man is cheating on you, you deserve better than what he will ever be able to offer. Never should a person cheat if they are in a monogamous relationship, no excuses.
Just my thought on it | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 6:00:17 AM | Ok well this is to the guy who started this thread off.U asked what animal would stay with the same mate.Well heres a list of animals that mate for life :D
http://www.wonderquest.com/animal-mate-for-life.htm although some of them are not strictly monogamous.Ive heard of animals.Dying from heartbreak.After their mate has been killed.ie:not eating or drinking until they die.So anyway.Theres my 2 cents.Well feck that not finished just yet.People are not wired to cheat.They choose to cheat.Not saying thats bad or good.Depends on the people and situation.But using biology as an excuse for being no good. Is kinda a lame thing to do.If ya wanna be a playa.Then be a playa.But dont put it off on mother nature :D.Be honest with yourself.About yourself. | |
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