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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 6:19:02 AM | So your actually gonnna compare cheating with murdering someone? Cmon now. As i said i dont cheat but comparing it to murder is frekin ridiculous.
As I said in my email, I was referring to "impulse control". For the most part, most of us have control over our baser impulses...the same way we have control over whether we cheat or not.
What IS ridiculous is this idea that cheating is somehow about sex.. IT ISN'T!!! So let's stop focusing on what it's NOT about. It's about dishonesty. To cheat, you HAVE to deceive your significant other...period.
Now, if you have someone who actually tells their partner..."I need to go out and have sex with so and so at work because I really like her and she likes me, so I just wanted to let you know..." would not qualify as cheating because they are letting the other person know what they are intending to do. At least that would give the offended party a chance to decide whether they wanted to remain in that relationship. Cheating is about removing that power of choice from the other, an utter lack of respect for them and disregard for their need. In other words, cheaters are just lousy at monogamy and honesty. Two very important components for a monogamous bond. They ought to stay out of that realm if they can't "handle" it and I don't offer sympathy at all to those who can't.
Let us also look at intention. I'm so tired of all this bullshyte about testosterone and how ::whines:: HARD it is to remain monogamous. The ONLY time it becomes difficult to remain monogamous is when the other partner refuses or will not engage in sexual activity with you. Bar that, there really is no moral explanation for cheating other than one simply having the forethought and intention to do it. Oh, sure, you can blame it on having too much to drink that night, but I don't buy it.
One of my X's cheated. Fine. He wanted to bang another woman, whatever. I didn't feel jealous (he wasn't exactly prime stock and a real slouch in the sack so he was doing me a favor by screwing up)...and truth is, I wanted that marriage over with...BUT his insistence on doing it the way he did was about dishonesty, both with himself and with me. It was also about cowardice, not wanting to grab his proverbial nuts and take them the hell out of my life before he decided to dip his noodle in someone else's sauce.
It takes will to cheat. It requires a decision. It requires volition and it requires for someone to overlook their status in order to perform the act with another.
Cheaters are just dishonest twits who are busy making excuses for their idiocy. It doesn't wash with me. Get the hell out if you can't control yourself. I've never withheld sex from a partner...so there is no reason for it.
Cheaters will spend more time engaging in the actual act of procuring a cheating partner than they will getting counseling or help to understand why they have an alleged need to cheat. They are NOT made for monogamous relationships and I say they SHOULD NOT enjoy the benefits of one until they get some control over their dishonesty factor and their need for a "new flavor of the month club" membership. They are merely people who lack nobility of character, tenacity and determination to see a monogamous relationship to its end. They don't end it because they would rather enjoy the emotional security that relationship provides them with. Truth is, after these people are single, they generally don't have as much success in getting sexual partners because they use the energy of their relationship to bolster their position with their targets. They are weak kneed social retards. Period.
There are 40% of men who don't cheat. I'm betting on those and not the others. Sex isn't immoral but dishonesty is. If they can't take the heat, stop enjoying the heat of the frying pan. I say throw the S.O.B's out on their a$$e$. They aren't any good anyway. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 6:34:14 AM | Woman above.Yep your right about one thing.U dont look like dog meat :D And damn U can type.lol
PS.Hell Im probally getting annoying.But (shrugs)people may be animate.But we are not exactly animals either.Humans(well depending.Its been my experience.That that word is applied to liberally.When considering a good percentage of the "human race".)have alot of qualities.That animals do not.And one of those being.The power to control ourselves.Which can lead to being morally superior.So if you aspire to be a caveman type.Then in my opinion.U are not a full fledged human being.But what the hell.This is a stupid thread.And Im being a jerk for participating in it :D later folks
PS 2,like I said some of them are not strictly monogamous.But some are.I mean its not like it has never happened.And excluding the better part of the animal kingdom.There are no doubt millions of human beings.That were never unfaithful to their mates.
PS 3(last one,lol ) Not that Im saying an open relationship cant work.Noway to cover every possibility.Or situation.But your question was.Are men wired to cheat.The answer is not all men cheat.So obviously,not all are.
And last brain fart.Then I give up on this.I think humanity should be about quality not quantity.If U are one of those.Who thinks U must spread your seed far and wide.Then sighs thats your choice.But most people who do that.Neglect all their children.A child is a terrible mind numbing commitment.And I think anyone.Who takes it lightly is a piece of crap.One of the greatest problems in the world.Its the people least suited to have kids.That pump out the most of them.Which is coincidentally.Why the world is flooded with stupid and crazy people.Oh yeah and quickly becoming a toxified cesspool.But just an opinion based on 32 yrs of life experience. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 6:35:42 AM | Human this was taken from your link you just helped back up the nature argument.
Of course, it depends on what you mean by "mate for life." These creatures do mate for life in the social sense of living together in pairs but they rarely stay strictly faithful. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 6:40:27 AM | blast how about a man who doesnt want a relationship he wants to sleep with women but he does not enter a relationship with them? Is he slime too? He isnt cheating, I bet in your eyes yes he is still slime. In other words a playa hata
This was taken from a email you sent me.
((And I don't care what anyone thinks of cheating. I think it's a sign of weakness in a person )
I think people that smoke are weak, I think people that get constantly drunk are weak, I think people who do drugs are weak, I think people that eat fast food get fat and neglect their health are weak, I think homosexality is wrong!!
But who am i to judge these people? If you think cheating is weak I have the right to say all those things i listed are weak and not morally right to ones self. If you do any of those things i consider you weak. Does that make it a fact? Nope im not perfect im not a God so its just a mortals opinion. You cant sit on a high horse and pass judgement less you be judged. You dont have to agree with something someone does and you can choose to stay away from them but in the end its a opinion nothing more or nothing less.
After all when we all die and rot according to athiests who cares if someone cheated or not? I have nothing to answer for ill be into nothingness. It all means nothing in the end. Live your life on the moral high ground but in the end we are all maggot food.
You know the truth I THINK CHEATING IS WRONG! If you are gonna be a player dont get into a relationship just date.
But I refuse to lump cheaters with murderers, rapers, child molesters and in alot of you womens eyes thats the way you see them. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 7:08:51 AM | feck I lied.usroberts.Your a healthy fecking guy.So dont take anything I say wrong and beat me up ok ;).And your obviously not a stupid guy.Feck man I dont know the answers.I agree with alot of the shyt U said about weakness.Well not the weed ( stuff has alot of health bennies.)But anyway.The statement/question.That got this thread rolling.Is are men wired to cheat.Again not all men cheat.So the answer is obvious.Hell man Id like to see everyone happy.If it were a fecking perfect world.Nothing I know of is simple.Your going to do it your way.Others are going to do it theres.We live till we die right ?Some people live beyond.In the things they said and did.So feck it.Good luck.
PS.Ummmm still dont think ya look anything like dog meat girl :D | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/21/2007 8:44:16 AM | Women cheat every bit as much as men do.... So I wouldn't say Men are wired to cheat. I would say 'some people' are wired to cheat.
Cheers! | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:24:23 AM | I would say that:
Some people are wired to be monogamous, some are wired to be polygamous, some are wired to cheat and some are not wired at all.
(I wrote people, not men) | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 9:03:32 AM | | Ok..I was trying to not reply to this post BUT I just cant help myself...well...I agree with you...and it's sad that I do but I look at life realistic. I'm not a dreamer who believes that love conquers all cuz hello it doesnt!! I myself have cheated...and majority of why is cuz I can...and I guess I think of the instant gratification than whats goin to happend because I did. Sex is better when you love someone but hell I love alot of men...especially the good lookin ones ;) | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:36:04 AM | What's the point of even being in a relationship if you can't be faithful? If polyamory is agreed upon between both people, that's different.
To cheat on somebody is deceptive, hurtful, and dishonest. Instant gratification is one thing if nobody is going to get hurt in the process. The ramifications of losing somebody you care about would far outweigh any instant satisfaction, in my opinion.
I've never cheated on anybody in my life. I don't think I could hurt somebody I cared about in that way. I am monogamous and selective, haven't even had sex in three years because I won't just expose that part of myself to every man who I cross paths with.
At the end of the day, sex is much, much better when there is love involved and I will wait until I can have both with one man!
(In the meantime, I can take care of myself! lol) | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:45:18 AM | I guess im weird sex is sex to me love is love. Whether i love someone or not sex is just sex all feels the same.
Love means way more to me then anything physical maybe im a oddball. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:51:50 AM |
Sex is better when you love someone but hell I love alot of men...especially the good lookin ones ;)
Kudos for having the guts to post that in these Forums, where LTRs are the (moral and etc) majority which rules!!!
But why have to cheat? Cheating means being in an exlusive relationship and breaking rhe exclusivity agreement? Why be in an exclusive LTR in the first place, given your (and my and others') view on monogamy? Just curious!
Kudos again! | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:53:29 AM | i think the arguement comes down to biology vs. social conditioning.
monogamy is a social construct, we've been culturally conditioned to think that way and generally accept it as the norm. from a biological perspective...our closest genetic relatives (chimps/bonobos) are by far the sluttiest of the primate world...sharing more than 95% of our dna with them, you figure those tendencies have to rub off on us at least a little. now, i'm not saying that we don't have the capacitiy, willpower or self-control to make monogamy work (if we want to), however on a basic biological level men and women are BOTH predispositioned to be polyamorous. The difference between polyamory and cheating, is one is based entirely on trust and openness while the other is inherantly selfish and deceptive.
monogamous or otherwise, any relationship must be founded on honesty...if you don't have that, there's really no point. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 1:44:50 PM | | I agree with this posting but I also think there is a serious part of the equation missing from a lot of the postings. Let's say that humans are NOT hardwired to be monogomous, or specificially, males are not (I only say that because there was an argument made that women are hardwired for it, men aren't, although I do know women who cheat). I don't think the issue here is whether men, or women for that matter, can or should be with multiple partners, because that is an individual choice really. If you want to sleep with a lot of different people then do it! BUT cheating and being with multiple partners are different issues. Cheating involves hurting the person you supposedly care about. If you are cheating this usually means that the other person is not aware and in consent of your being with another person intimately. It also usually means you are lying to that person, and these are the reasons cheating is not ok. If you want to be with other people then you should be upfront about this with the person you are dating, but saying you want to be in an exclusive relationship then cheating on the person and using the 'we are just animals' excuse just doesn't cut it! | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 2:19:48 PM | | I agree, runner! If a person want multiple partners, then be honest about it with people you are dating. Let them decide if they still want the bum around. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 4:08:52 PM | I haven't read every word of each post but I do get a sense that there is a pretty good concensus here.
The key word is "Cheat". In my view there is no room for such disrespect. To cheat is to lie, by ommission or otherwise and has no place in a relationsip of which I am my be a part. So, for the record, I don't cheat.
I am recently out of a 25 yr marriage - we are still good friends. She felt the marriage was over for her; I didn't agree. She did have some secret 'affairs' and for whatever reason (didn't want to hurt me?) kept them 'secret' - i.e. when I did find out, I was very angry, upset ...... and, you know what? .... I asked myself what I really felt - and the answer was "being cheated upon" . The fact that my monogamous (as I thought) partner in our monogamous realationship had gone behind my back, was far more hurtful than my realising that she had felt the need & urge to have sex with another ...
Where am I going with this ..... I had to do a great deal of inner processing to come to grips with the fact that a loving relationship of almost 30 yrs was over - NOT my choice at all and try as I might I Failed to save it. I offered to compromise; at least make the effort to open up communications and try to work out something that would work for both of us - open marriage?
In the process, I examined my morals; my needs; my anger .... and have finally met a new community of people that I can feel safe & comfortable with. We are all loosly in alternative lifestyles; a strong 'poly' streak runs through the group; but not everyone is poly, in whatever poly form that might be; some are 'swingers' and most of the more liberal & open minded, recognise that there appears to be a an over-lap between poly & swinger - in political terms, the right wing of the swinger group seem to over lap with the left wing of the poly group (some might say that it is the other way around - but the over-lap occurs, in my opinion, when openness, honesty, some love & affection are all part of the interaction - and in case anyone is unsure, yes, we are talking sex here!)
Finally, ... my point? ..... consider these words .... openness, honesty, monogamy, non-monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, lifestyles, trust, love .... there are more I am sure. But for me, at my advanced age and being able to bring at least some of my lifetime experinces to bear, I have chosen to move into a world of ethical non-monogamy, which many of my close friends call 'polyamory' - in whatever form works for the individual. I feel safe, I can be intimate (& no this time that doesn't necessarily mean sex!) & I don't feel that I am going to feel betrayed again any time soon.
Many of the above posts have in fact been, subconsciuosly or consciuosly very supportive of 'polyness' even though it tends to be somewhat 'frowned' upon in this POF community.
Personally. I have a great deal more time for trust, openness & honesty & just cannot condone the actions of a cheat & a liar. .... and if that all adds up to being poly-supportive, that is just great by me! ..... (OK, you can now jump all over me!)
M. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 4:17:46 PM | | I did all of 10min workout today.Makes a muscle at usroberts.Just 10 more years of this and Im going to put U 2 shame bro....well errrr.Maybe 15 but still.lol.Just being a dikhead.And posting for absolutely no reason.With nothing to say.Guess my work here is done.Later folks :D | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 5:05:10 PM |
I agree, runner! If a person want multiple partners, then be honest about it with people you are dating. Let them decide if they still want the bum around.
Why is the perosn a BUM because they want to see more than one person? If they are dating
and not in a commited relationship whats the prob?
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 5:24:10 PM | There's "monoamory" and then there are many other shades of "non-monoamory".
Anything from 2 to infinity!!!!! LOL
Eg there is oligoamory and there's polyamory.
Think monopoly, oligopoly, ..... polyopoly aka free market!!!!! LMAO!!!
I am an oligopolist, sorry, I meant oligoamorist! 
The Greek language is so rich in notions!!!
But beware of Greeks bearing gifts, women of Troy!! (irrelevant but sounded ... historical)
OfT: When ashamed for chickening away from a battle with a Greek (I think it was Menelaos), Paris was told this by Helen (Helen who??), according to the Hollywood version of Iliad: I chose you not because of your military bravery, Menelaos is a warrior and probably will die young, leaving me a widow, thus I prefer you because you have a higher probability of growing old with me (but she had forgotten about the pact that Menelaos has with all the other Greek cities, to go after anyone who would steal Helen, so Troy fell thanks to her choosing Paris, poor Hector and Andromachi!!!)
Those over- hedonistic Ancient Greeks, they could fight too!!! Multi-purpose! OnT: But that was then, this is now. Now, 2007, polyamory has nothing to do with polyarmory! Amour is both love and sex in French. Thus: Polyerotic seems a better term. Eros does not mean sex, is means "In Love". Erotic does not necessarily mean sexual! | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 6:07:25 PM | | you're right, dating was a bad choice of word... meant to say commited relationship. Still, if you want to have multiple partners, you should let the other person know at the dating stage that you can't make a commitment to them. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:40:45 PM | To you atheists that believe we are animals, you believe life happend by chance but you think its wrong to cheat. How do you come up with this logic? If you believe in evoulution then it wired us to cheat! If we die and rot and are souless and not judged what is the point of staying loyal to one person?
How can you say this is right or wrong? You dont believe in a higher power or judgement.
Sex is not love !!! Sex is like taking a shit, eating, pissing, consuming fluids its what we do and have to do to stay alive or pro create.
Love is jumping in front of a bullet for someone, love is when there is only one thing in the house to eat and your broke and your spouse is hungry as are you but you let them have the last bit of food. Love is sacraficing things you could use in order to help a loved one.
I'm weary, so I only read the OP, not the responses (forgive me, please).
I'm an atheist (OK, maybe agnostic, because I have moments of doubt.) I don't think it's a matter of men being "wired" to cheat. I think it's more a matter of healthy, societial monogamy conflicting with biology. We, as a species, historically live about 40-50 years. It's only been in the last few hundred years that lifespans have increased to 60-70-80 and beyond (and that's really only in the affluent West). Monogomy, in the historical time frame, by either gender, is healthy (in regards to raising offspring to adulthood), and easy (20-30 years goes by in a FLASH, kids!). Anything beyond that might be pushing the boundaries. I, personally, have no idea, because the man I loved from age 20 to 45 (he was the same age) went and died on me. Maybe I'd have been on here five years from now moaning that a guy I spent 30-35 years with cheated on me for whatever reason. Or, maybe I'd have been the one to test new waters. I doubt it, but who knows?
No, MEN aren't "wired" to cheat. Humans are "wired" to be tempted, and make choices.
Love is jumping in front of a bullet for someone
He'd have done that for me. I have no doubt in the world. And I would have done that for him. Guaranteed. A little cheating on his part (because I have an idea it happened early in our relationship) is irrelevant. If I'd faltered, for some reason, I'd have still died in his place, if I could have. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/22/2007 10:18:37 PM | Personally, while we are a part of the animal kingdom, we are the only animal with a conscience, an inherent knowledge of right and wrong, an awareness of the past, present and future (most animals have no concept of time and live in the present moment and do what's in their nature at any given moment).
So whether one believes in something 'bigger', souls or an afterlife isn't relevant to me in this case. And from what I recall watching a few Animal Kingdom shows as a kid, there are certain species that do mate for life and don't stray once they have their mate. A lot of other male species spread their seed because it's inherent for them to procreate. They don't make a conscious decision to do it, they just do what is part of their nature. They're certainly not out to get laid for the pleasure of it, they're out to ensure the survival of their species ~ this differs from man greatly.
Man makes a conscious decision to be with a partner. Men that cheat don't do it to make lots of babies, in fact they wanna avoid that like the plague! They just look for physical pleasure that is derived from sex and some will go wherever they can to get it, if it's not being fullfilled to their liking within the relationship. That being said, their conscience knows that there's consequences to these actions, and they have a choice as to whether or not risk the consequences.
I think men are hard wired to have a lot of sex, yes, but I don't think they're all hard wired to cheat, and those that are or think they are, should know that about themselves and just not be in a relationship. Unless of course they want to cause a lot of pain and hurt to the person they're in a relationship with... which again is a conscious decision they make knowing it's a possibility... a decision, but seemingly without guilt in spite of knowing what can happen. Rarely does a guy come away from cheating in a relationship without a lot of hurt and anger and devestating consequences. They have the ability to choose, they just choose the least beneficial way for all parties when they cheat... they know it, but do it anyway. S**w now, get btiched at later. So, I gotta wonder why a guy would do that... bother being in a relationship unless he can be faithful to it. And if he feels like he's got the need to stray, then get out of the relationship.
I've always told my bf's that if they ever wanted to, were tempted to, or thought of going outside our relationship for sex, to tell me before they do it. I deserve that much resepct. I can't tell a guy that he'll never find anyone but me attractive again, I know how some are wired, and with that knowledge just make that simple request. I'd have a lot more respect for that then I would for finding out after the fact. We either talk things out and work through it or we agree to seperate ways amicably. It's the responsible thing for them to do really. If they're gonna be out having sex with other women, I wanna know before hand to protect myself from possible STD's as a result. JMHO. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/23/2007 12:56:45 AM | ahh, libidos.
someone wrote that monogamy was a social construct. i agree.
i also think that cheating is a social construct.
cue: you would, you're a man.
but i think the real question is: are humans (not men or women in particular) wired to lie?
sure it's hard to let the chips fall where they may, but facing the music gets you in with the band (is that a mixed metaphor or a distorted cliche?)
cheating doesn't kill people, lying does. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/23/2007 12:58:14 AM | No. Well, kinda.
In fact, women are wired to cheat even more. Go figure.
I wonder, who is making all of the "Anti-cheating" laws? Men or women. Hmmm. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/23/2007 11:46:34 AM | Hum, this is a smorgasbord of thought provoking literature. My two cents (ok - 0.25) are that when you are in a relationship and feel the need to ‘cheat’ you are only cheating yourself. If you want something else and then follow through on that desire, but don’t have the courage to give your partner the freedom you seek that’s where you cheat another. You are cheating them because of your dishonesty. Your partner thinks that the two of you are working together, but one of you is on a solo mission to get some strange.
If you want to get with someone else, why be in a relationship? If your relationship is one where you are supportive enough to talk about the desires each of you has from time to time, that would be something special. I bet if we could say to our sig. other something like, “Damn, I saw this guy/girl in the market today and he/she made me so hot. I could barely contain my hedonistic desire to rip his/her clothes off right there in the produce isle and have my way” and the partner would say, “Wow, I had that happen to me the other day too. What can we do to recapture that feeling together and give each other what we feel is missing in our sex life that causes us to want that from a stranger?” then you say, break out the whip cream and strawberries, I’ll get the superman under-roos and the Mardigras masks!” Wouldn’t that be something?
Unfortunately, fear, disrespect, lack of communication, selfishness, jealousy, etc. are more prevalent in the majority of today’s relationship than logical thinking and mutual respect. Everyone, I mean everyone, included the priests, nuns, and holiest of holy peeps want some foreign a$$ from time to time. It’s natural to be turned on and attracted to something. Cheating though, is a human construct. We have to make it a bad thing because we lie about it and deceive to do it. Is it hard wired into us, I don’t know. Seems like deception is more common than honesty these days though. | |
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| Are men wired to cheat?
Posted: 3/23/2007 12:04:49 PM | I think we are wired to cheat say what you will, But the statistics and numbers and facts speak for themselfs. I belief in a God therefore i will not cheat but if i beleive i was jsut a souless animal and this is the way i was made by chance why would i not cheat?
What statistics? Statistics show that women are just as likely to cheat and are just as promiscuous as men are. A PBS special which aired recently covered a study in Britian, concluded that women are just as likely to cheat as men are. | |
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