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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:21:23 AM | I heard that one several years ago, Buddha. It's as great now as it was then, and I applaud your "condensed version". Here's another one, but not quite as good as the knob, but it's close....
A married couple and their 6-year old boy are visiting the zoo. The couple splits up, and the boy goes with his mother for a while. As they pass the male elephant, the boy asks "Mommy, what's that big thing hanging from the elephant?". The mother replies, "That's his trunk, son". The boy replies, "No, the thing further back. What's that?". Mom replies, "That's his tail, son." The boy, asks "No, mommy, in the middle. What's THAT?". The mother, turning red, says "That's nothing, son. Don't worry about it." Later, the couple got together for lunch, and split up again, this time with the boy walking with his Dad. When they passed the elephant, The boy, knowing he had to be precise in his question, asked, "Dad, what's that big thing hanging down from the middle of the elephant?". Dad asked, "Did you ask your mother what it was?". The boy replied, "Yes, she said it was nothing." Dad replied, "That's because your mother is spoiled, son."
Hope you like it. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:15:18 PM | cops pulled me over the other day and i had a jim beam sticker on my forehead. cop said been drinking mate. i replied nah bro, i quit, im on the patches now
i started the new alcohol diet. its ****en great. ive lost 3 days in the first week
mel | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:18:04 AM | msg 253
you really ought to try the whiskey diet. i tried it a while ago and i lost a month.
it's a really wicked diet to try and i'd recommend it to anyone.
go on what have you got to lose hehehehehehehehe. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:48:27 PM | Little Billy goe to school after being absent the previous day. His teacher demands,
"Where were you yesterday?" "I'm sorry, miss, my dad got burnt" "Oh I sorry, I hope it wasn't serious?" well young Billy replies "In fairness miss they don't f*ck about at the crematorium!" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/20/2008 12:20:47 AM | I went to see my doctor the other day.
He said "Paul, you've got to stop masturbating."
"Why? Will I go blind?"
"No. You're frightening my patients." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/20/2008 11:51:08 AM | A family are driving down the road following a rubbish truck when suddenly a huge dildo falls out of the back, bounces and smashes into the windscreen.
The mother, thinking of the children , quickly says, ' That was a large insect wasn't it?' and the daughter replied, ' I'm surprised it could fly with a****that big!' | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:08:06 AM | The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:09:19 AM | The ****
I asked the waiter to take a bottle of Melot to an unsusually attractive woman sitting alone at the table in the cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the women anwine coolly ford said " this is from the Gentlement who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head, she stared at the wine coolly for a few secon, not looking at me, and decided to send a reply to me by a note. The waiter who was lingering near by for the respond, took a note from her and conveyed it back to me. The note read " for me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercides in your garage, a million in the bank and 7" in your pants.
After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return, I folded the note handed to a waiter, to deliver it to a lady.
It read " Just to let you know thing aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari, Maranello, BMW Z8 , Mercedes CL 6OO , and a Porch Turbo in my several garages, I have a beautiful home in Aspen Miami, and 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana, there is over 20 million dollar in my account. But not even for a women as beautyful as you are, would I cut off Three inches. Just sent me back bottle back. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/21/2008 11:15:41 AM | What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there
This is the funniest joke I have heard...... | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/21/2008 1:06:50 PM | I posted this awhile back in the Duck.
The judge looked up, and noted, with surprise, that there were three ducks sitting at the defendants bench.
So, he points at the first duck, and waves him forward.
“What’s your name?” said the judge.
“I’m duck number 1.” said the duck.
“Why were you arrested?” asked the judge.
“I was blowing bubbles in the park.” said the duck.
“Released, with time served!” said the judge.
So, he points at the second duck, and waves him forward.
“What’s your name?” said the judge.
“I’m duck number 2.” said the duck.
“Why were you arrested?” asked the judge.
“I was blowing bubbles in the park.” said the duck.
"Released, with time served!” said the judge.
So, he points at the third duck, and waves him forward.
“And I suppose you're Duck number 3?” said the judge.
“No. I’m Bubbles.” | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:04:00 PM | | OK here's an old one. 2 black guys from the south go north to seek their fortune. They can't afford a car, but a dealer sells them a camel to ride. The camel is stop light trained and can handle traffic. A few days later the dealer sees the 2 lads walking down the street. Boys, what happened to the camel? Well we were stopped at a light when 2 limeys in a green MG pulled up behind us. One says to the other, look at them 2 black a ss holes on that camel. Well we got off to look, the light turned green and we ain't seen that camel since! | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:34:31 PM | How does Snoop Dogg keep his teeth white?
BLEEEEEE-YATCH!
Two men are sharing a hospital room.
"What are you in for?" The first man says.
"I'm getting a circumcision," his roommate replies.
"Damn," exclaims the first man, "I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''
''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''
''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''
''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''
(come on these are funny)
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:55:34 PM | Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/22/2008 6:14:04 PM | Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without
smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just
passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's
house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort
her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
nearly 100-years-old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied Granny. 'Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best
time to d o it was when the church bells would start to
ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd
still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come
along.' | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:04:23 PM | The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just fu*kin' BEATUIFUL!' " | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:13:29 AM | | Bill Gates passed away and arrived at the pearly gates. God greeted him and said ,Bill, windows millenium was quite a disaster, but you made up for it with XP. For this I will give you the choice between Heaven and Hell. He opens a door to Heaven and there are streets lined with gold, angels floating on clouds playing harps, Beautfiul colorful flowers everywhere. Bill tells God "that is very nice, but could I see Hell?". God opens the door to Hell and there are white sandy beaches, gorgeous nude women everywhere, fountains of ice cold beer flowing. Bill immediately tells God "I choose Hell". Poof...he is chained to a wall , the temperature is 150 degrees, fire lapping at his feet, wailing and crying coming from everywhere.....He shouts to God, what happened?? This isnt the hell you showed me...where is the ice cold beer, the beautiful women, the beach? God replied "Oh that was just the screen saver." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 8/15/2008 8:21:54 AM | A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.
Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?
So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 8/16/2008 2:19:49 PM | A Profeesional Photographer is shooting a photo essay of life down south. Driving through the back country roads he spies 2 little girls standing next to a cotton field and he stops to take their picture.
He asks the girls if he could take their picture and they give him permission to do so. He positions the girls and tells them to stand still, as he is going to focus the camera.
The 1st little girl asked: "What he say?"
The 2nd girl said, "He say he gonna Focus!"
The 1st girl begins to whimper and cry, asking: "BOFUS?!" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 8/16/2008 3:51:14 PM | There was a donkey that lived on a farm with some ducks, never really got on with the ducks. However one day whilst walking on a different part of the farm, walked straight into a bog. The donkey scream at the top of his voice "HELP ME I'M GONNA DIE" on hearing this the duck saw the donkeys situation and said "ok I’ll get the farmer" he looked and looked the tractor was gone so the farmer must be too?? After looking in every barn the last one just so happened to have a BMW in it, the duck drove the car with some rope over to the donkey and pulled him out!!
There lifelong friendship sealed
Years went by and the duck had some chicks they too fell in the same bog and screamed "HELP US WHERE GONNA DIE"
The donkey on hearing this ran over, straddled the bog used his d*ck to crane the chick to safety
The moral of the story is when your hung like a donkey you don’t need a BMW to pull the chicks!!!!!
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