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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/20/2009 8:10:13 PM | WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a NYC subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response,"Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/20/2009 9:59:09 PM | An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/20/2009 10:31:34 PM | God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?" God explained that to Adam as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/21/2009 5:44:10 PM | Those are some good jokes. Here is one that is a little corny,but funny any way. Blond jokes are ok right? lol
The rule for getting into heaven is you must be able to answer one question correectly and you can enter!
Ok so an arc angle and Abraham are at the pearly gates talking. "So Abraham, how is your day going? " AB" Not so good. I've lost the last five in a row. I need to make my questions a little easier." AA" Oh no!" AB "What what?" AA "Your in trubble now, That blond girl just got hit by a truck. She is on her way up now!" AB " Oh great!, let me think......." the girl arives : " Hi guys, am I in heaven?" AA "Not yet mamm. First you must answer a question correctly. Then you may enter!" BG" Oh OK,....What is the question" AB" ....Uhhh.......Ummm......Oh!, I've got it!!...Who...no..What is the name of God's only begotten son?" Abrahamm sits back witha big smile on his face looking at the arc angle while nodding his head. Then the blond girl blurts out "ADNY!" Their jaws drop as tehy stair at her AB" Andy, Andy!! Where did you come up with Andy?" BG" We sing it all the time at church .. mmm .. Andhe walks with me andhe talks with me." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/22/2009 1:05:03 PM | It is funny in a sick way...but I did laugh!! it is so unexpected because you don't expect a mother to do that...yet the bestjokes...think about it ... are always those that surprise you with the punch line !! Never those you can anticipate! | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/22/2009 1:26:10 PM | I never tell jokes...is this a man thing?Most of you on here are men...right?
I HAVE to remember these and tell them soon before I forget! Thanks to all for sharing making me laugh. The fax one had me in stiches. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/23/2009 11:01:23 AM | This one of my favorites. Don't know if it here yet.
An 80 old man was living in a retirement home. There was an 75 year old lady living there also. They kinda had some chemistry going but never got anything going. One day at bingo she whispers to him to shuffle down to here room after lights out and they would have some fun. She would be in her room naked, waiting for him.
After lights out, and a Viagra, he shuffles down to her room. The door is slightly open and there is a dim light coming from within. He goes into the room and she is laying naked on the bed, in her most seductive pose. He rubs his hands together and looks her up and down. He hasn't been with a woman for a long time. He looks her up and down and jumps into the bed with.
She whispers in his ear:
"Please let us go slow. I have a really bad heart condition. I have an acute engina."
To which he replies:
"That's good cause you got the ugliest set of breasts I have ever seen." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/23/2009 2:54:19 PM | Well I nominate the following:
A woman was in a coma. She had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
I literally laughed all evening when I heard that one.
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/23/2009 3:59:03 PM | this is a sick joke so i hope no one gets affended, but i love it.
what is the difference between a baby and a freezer?
a freezer doesnt scream when you put your meat in it
hahaha sorry i know its sick but come on you gotta laugh hahaha | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/25/2009 6:17:28 PM | It might not be the kind of attention he would want.
Here's a variation on a theme, although not as Hi-larious as child rape:
The difference between a gay man and a refridgerator?
The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Probably still offensive, but in a milder, greener,more eco-friendly way | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/25/2009 11:16:58 PM | Rejected Dr. Seuss books:
The Cat in the Blender
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox in Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/25/2009 11:22:03 PM | BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I is a college student."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/28/2009 6:10:34 PM | 4 men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time, but heaven only has room for 1...ST. Peter decides to ask each man a question and which ever of them have the best answer gets in.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?" asks the saint
Man#1 replies "a blink"
Man#2 replies "a thought"
Man #3 replies "light.Nothing travels faster than light"
Man #4 replies "diahrrea! last night I woke up with a cramp and before I could blink, think or hit the light I shit my self"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/28/2009 6:49:36 PM | At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 5/28/2009 7:12:27 PM | Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The fist friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to sgo to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"
Little Johnny said," Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/6/2009 2:13:35 PM | God, needing a vacation after centuries of hard work keeping the universe in order, stopped by St. Peter's desk to ask for his opinion on where to go on vacation.
St. Peter: "How about Saturn."
God: "No, I went there 10,000 years ago and all it did was storm - never had one good sunny day."
St. Peter: "How about Mercury?"
God: "No no, I went there 6,000 years ago and saw nothing but rocks there, and I ended up with terrible sunburn."
St. Peter: "How about Earth?"
God: "Heavens no, last time I went there I was accused of knocking up some chick named Mary." | |
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