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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/6/2009 4:34:32 PM | An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?
The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"
"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time."
The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/6/2009 10:57:49 PM | Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/7/2009 12:34:37 PM | Hi sorry to jump on your coat tail but I don't know how to just add a joke...
An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church, just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold inhere!" Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, It's goddamned cold in here!!"Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6times and placed him back on her shoulder.The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers andsaid, Pretty ****in'windy, too!" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/7/2009 2:45:40 PM | [one fine day in the middle of the night
two dead men got up to fight
they stood back to back and faced each other
drew their swords and shot each other]
If your interested the whole thing goes:
One bright day in the middle of the night
two dead boys got up to fight,
back to back they faced each other
drew their swords and shot each other,
a deaf policeman heard the noise,
came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/8/2009 3:05:05 AM | hey someones pinched my joke here.
i posted the short version in another joke thread ages ago.
i don't mind though, it's still a good un.
 
lets just keep em coming.
she stood on the bridge at midnight
her lips were all of a quiver
she gave a cough
her leg dropped
and floated down the river | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/9/2009 12:08:59 AM | Hey, fellow fishers, here's my funniest joke in the world:
To effectively triumph in the War on Terror, the U.S. government authorizes the formation of the most elite special-forces unit the world has ever seen. They are allowed to recruit anyone in America, based on their degree of ferocity. By the time the rigorous selection process is over, only three recruits are still standing: Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne, and Ma Kettle. The commanding general leads them all to a room with three doors in it, and tells them, "This is the final selection event. In order to prove yourself an unstoppable force in the War on Terror, each one of you will now walk through one of these doors. On the other side is your spouse, tied to a chair. You will each take the sidearm which I have issued you, and you will shoot your spouse in the head. Jack Bauer, you're up first."
Jack Bauer immediately shouts, "Sir, I will never obey that order, sir!"
"Then you are useless to this team!" the general roars. "Get out! Jason Bourne, you're up next."
Jason Bourne takes a deep breath, draws his pistol, and walks through door number two. Five minutes later, he returns, crying his eyes out.
"It's no use!" he blubbers, throwing the pistol at the general's feet. "I looked into her eyes, and I just couldn't do it!"
"Then you're just as useless as Jack Bauer!" the general screams. "GET OUT! Ma Kettle, you're up next! Do what these pansies can't!"
Ma Kettle obligingly walks through the third door and closes it behind her. For the next hour, the general listens in shock as the room reverberates with the sound of shattering glass, splintering wood, snapping bones, and blood-curdling screams. Finally, the room falls silent, and Ma Kettle walks out.
"That was dang weird," she comments, handing the pistol back to the general. "That gun you done gived me didn't have no bullets in it. I had to beat him to death with the chair." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/9/2009 4:46:09 AM | WHY I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS LAST WEEK
Last week I checked into my hotel in Durban and was a bit lonely. I
thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books
like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a
girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear
you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it
now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in
your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!
Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 0 for an outside
line.'
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/10/2009 6:09:25 PM | Bloke on a golf course knocks his ball into the woods & goes to find it; it’s landed near a beer bottle. He kicks the beer bottle to one side & out pops a genie. The genie says “thank God for that I’m so pleased to be out of there you have 3 wishes but the catch is your wife gets 4 times the amount of what ever you ask for” So the bloke thinks for a bit & says “I wanna be the best golfer in the world” (thunder bolt) “Granted but your only the 2nd best golfer coz your wife is 4 times better than you”
The genie says. Now then wish number 2. The bloke thinks again & says “I would like 10 million in my bank account please?” (Thunder bolt) “Granted but your wife has 40 million in her account”. Now then says the genie wish number 3 & I must remind you your wife gets 4 times the amount of whatever you ask for so think carefully before you make your wish. The bloke thinks for about 5 minutes & says “Couldn't organise a mild heart attack could you?” | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/11/2009 11:11:44 AM | fella up in court
judge say you are charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer
and a voice at the back of the court shouts out you dirty **stard
silence in court says the judge
you are also charged with battering your daughter to death with a hammer
and the same voice at the back of the court shouts out you horrible c;;t
bring that man down here says the judge il hold you in contempt if you shout again now whats your problem
well judge ive lived next door to him for 21 years and every time ive knocked on his door to borrow a hammer and he said i aint ****ing got one | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:30:15 PM | | Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon." | |
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OKRob
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Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 340 | |
| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/13/2009 2:42:54 AM | I think I have a funnier one, maybe not, that was a good one!! OK.....
Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown and one says to the other.... Oi, mate, is it me or does this taste funny?
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/13/2009 11:13:44 AM | Maybe not the funniest in the world, but definately gives me a chuckle...here goes!
One lesbian frog to another ....OMG! We DO taste like chicken! | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:35:10 AM | A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Santa Claus on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Merry Christmas" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a champagne bottle with "Happy New Year" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and New Year's Eve."
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:55:46 AM | There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds
fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in your oatmeal!
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/14/2009 4:26:32 PM | The lesbian frog one was pretty good, so was the hammer.
Father Murphy was sent to a nearby church to fill in for Father O'Maley while Father O'Maley was on sebatical. Father Murphy was new but did a fine sermon and was all set for confesionals.
The first few confesions were fine, usually just a few hail Mary's and a small donation. But with the last confession of the day hit he hit a snag involving a conversation that went like this:
Mr. Smith: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
Father Murphy: "What be your sins, son?"
Mr. Smith: "Well I was feeling a bit froggy and my wife was a tad bit drunk so we had wonderful sex, and knowing she was a tad bit drunk I did something she made me promise never to do."
Father Murphy: "Well what was that my son?"
Mr. Smith: "Well I slipped into my wife's back door and had my way with her."
Father Murphy, quite new, and now at a loss was unsure what to do. Knowing that the alter boy seemed to be sweeping the same spot next to the confesional the whole time, Father Murphy had little choise but to ask him.
Father Murphy cracking open the door and in a whisper: "Hey alter boy."
Alter boy: "Yes, father?"
Father Murphy, still in a whisper: "What does Father O'Maley usually give for sodomy?"
Alter boy: "Usually a coke and a candy bar." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/15/2009 11:00:06 AM | From the recently deceased Clement Freud:
A woman told her husband that if he ever came home drunk again then she would leave him. That night he went out to a pub, drank a lot and threw up all over himself.
“What am I going to do?” he asked his friend “If I turn up like this my wife’s going to leave me.”
“This is what you do”, said his friend, “Put a £20 note in your pocket and tell your wife that someone else threw up on you and gave you the money to dry clean your jacket.”
That night, as he came through the door he stopped his wife in mid-exclamation and said “No, no, somebody threw up over me and gave me £20 for the cleaning bill.”
She said “But why have you got two £20 notes?”
“Oh,” said the man, “The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.” | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/15/2009 7:32:58 PM | Way back to the original joke..
Two hunters were out hunting and one accidentally shot the other. In the emergency room the hunter asks the doc, " do you think he will make it." the doc says "he would have if you hadn't gutted him first" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:04:10 PM | Why its better to be a man
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:32:18 PM | A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Sh!t dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/18/2009 7:58:55 AM | I just bought a new state-of-the-art Sony car stereo!
When you shout out
"Soul", it plays soul music.
When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music.
Some kids ran in front of my car this morning and I shouted
"fcuking kids" and it played Michael Jackson. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 6/18/2009 11:29:46 AM | Mobile phone on a bench in the mens locker room, it rings
chap reaches over and presses hands free
womans voice: Hello darling
chap: Hello dear
w: Errr, its about that house we looked at, they want 50,000 more
c: Well if you like it dear give the lawyers the ok
w: oh good, good, ummmm, I saw a nice Mercedes today, could I ...
c: no problem my dear you just buy it, use my card
w:I love you, you're so good to me, ahhhhh, I saw a coat
c: darling, its only money you are so much more precious to me
w: love you
c: love you too
He presses the "hang up" button
c: Anyone know whose phone this is? | |
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