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 Mickey_blueeyes
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 351
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Page 15 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
With the passing of Michael Jackson I would like to say sorry for the last joke I posted on this forum.
 snoopylove40
Joined: 4/24/2009
Msg: 352
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:41:18 AM
nice one ! made me giggle lots thankyou
 Rob_SA
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 353
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:10:09 AM
The old couple were sitting in the sun outside their assisted living facility.

He turned to his wife of many years and said:

Remember when we were kids during the Great Depression? We were schoolfriends. We never had much then, but you were always there beside me.

I went off to war. I was injured, and had those nightmares, but you were always there beside me.

We married after the war, had the kids. Buying the house and paying the bills kept us poor, but you were always there beside me.

Then came the credit crunch of the 70's, the the "Recession we had to have" in the 80's. Times were tough, but you were always there beside me.

Last year we lost most of our savings in the Global Financial Crisis. We were buggered, but you were always there beside me.

I've just worked it out. You're a bloody jinx!
 bigjoecan
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 354
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:05:02 AM
Knock, Knock.



Who's There?



Interupting Cow.



Interup...
MOO!
 mungo742
Joined: 6/16/2009
Msg: 355
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:27:29 AM
i once went into a pet shop and they had a talking dog for sale so i asked the dog what he could do he said well im a war vet, ive been into space, i founded kmart and i was president of a country so i asked the owner how much the dog was and he said a tenner i said just a tenner what this dog is amazing he said no its a f*cking liar!!
 Mickey_blueeyes
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 356
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/15/2009 3:02:07 PM
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent knob?

A. Fcuks Funny!


A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the fcuk is she doing out of the kitchen?
 Ffrin
Joined: 2/7/2008
Msg: 357
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/16/2009 6:02:07 AM
I've just read every joke on this thread. There's some that have come up a few times ... but not this one.
Three pregnant women sitting in a row, knitting little baby jackets.
The first pregnant woman takes out a big red pill, swallows it.
"What's that pill and why are you taking it?" ask the other two women.
"It's iron," she replies. "I want my baby to have healthy blood and circulation."
They carry on knitting for a while. Then the second pregnant woman takes out a big white pill and swallows it.
"What's that, and why are you taking it?"
"It's calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth."
More knitting. Then the third woman takes out a big blue pill and swallows it.
"What's that and why are you taking it?"
"It's Thalidomide ..... I can't do sleeves."
 LifeIsDivine
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 358
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/17/2009 2:31:05 PM
Doctor says to patient, "You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's disease."
Patient says to doctor, "Woo wee! At least I don't have cancer."

I cracked up laughing from that in The Haunting of Connecticut... I see it on IMDB as

'Doctor says to patient, "You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's disease." Patient says to doctor, "That's terrible but at least I don't have cancer." '

But I just watched it and he says "Woo wee" and doesn't knowledge anything... Oh well still funny!
 Rob_SA
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 359
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/17/2009 4:22:19 PM
Ffrin. Gold! Gold plated gold! :-)
 hiddendesert
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 360
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/17/2009 6:03:07 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your penis?" And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."
 holby
Joined: 9/13/2007
Msg: 361
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/18/2009 3:01:24 AM
geezer pulls a bird in the pub
i cant take you home to my house i live with me parents said the bloke
i live with me flat mate says the bird we cant go there
i know a quiet place said the bloke he takes her to the local grave yard
lays her on a tomestone gives her a proper seeing to for 5 hours
the next morning the girls flatmate wakes her up for work
my backs killing me have a look see if theres any think on my back
the flatmate says your backs alright but your arsehole DIED IN 1965
 TheWitch
Joined: 12/14/2007
Msg: 362
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/18/2009 6:47:57 PM
Lost cowboy gets captured by hungry Apaches, they take him back to their camp and tell him that they will kill and eat him in 3 days.
But the chief say "but we give you 3 wishes, you have 1 tonight"
cowboy replies " I'd like to speak to my horse, so he whistles and his horse comes trotting to him and cowboy whispers in his horses ear to which the horse gallops off and comes back an hour later with a beautiful blond woman.
Cowboy takes the woman into teepee to pass the time over night.
Next morning the chief says to the cowboy, " your horse is very clever, but we still kill you day after tomorrow, but you have another wish to use.
"I'd like to speak to my horse again," says the cowboy. Once again c/boy whistles, horse comes over c/boy whispers, horse gallops off returns an hour later with the most stunning beautiful woman he has ever seen.
Off he goes back to the teepee to pass the time. Next morning, the chief says "your horse -very clever, but we kill you today, what is your last wish?"
"I'd like to speak to my horse again" says c/boy. Horse trots over, c/boy shouts
"You stupid fecking mare ,I said GET POSSY !
 Mickey_blueeyes
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 363
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:53:21 PM
A nun visits her doctor & is suprised to find out that she is pregnant. LIVID she goes into church where all the monks are praying & shouts "Ok which one of you filthy b@st@rds masturbated over the candles?"

 HoldemCrib
Joined: 10/1/2008
Msg: 364
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/19/2009 4:43:30 PM
Due to the recession, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational - the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank.
& When these two banks inevitably merge it would be run by bloody w4nkers.
 greynomad43
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 365
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:04:54 PM
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."

The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little **stard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
 amitw
Joined: 3/9/2009
Msg: 366
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:55:58 PM
Haha... Definately a great joke.
 Markey14
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 367
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:28:59 PM
A 76 year old women jumps out of a cab, 8am in the morning in a housecoat, runs into the store, please help I think my husband is dead, we offered the water & tried to calm her, we asked did he get hit by a car? Where is your husband now she replied home please hurry, we asked her why do you think your husband is dead? she replyed the sex is the same but the garbage has not been taken out in (3) damm days! o What A Day!
 Mickey_blueeyes
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 368
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 9/16/2009 4:33:49 PM
Q) How do you give a lemon an orgasim?

A) Tickle it's citrus.

 Ninjaftw
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 369
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 9/16/2009 5:26:00 PM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ----------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ----------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.' And then the fight started... ----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she Hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" "Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ----------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a Compliment." The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... ----------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started.... ----------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started..... ----------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started..... ----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?' And then the fight started ... ----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started.... ----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started.
 ed4553
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 370
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 9/17/2009 9:15:58 AM
The joke from the Python sketch goes like this:
1st Man: "I heard that Hitler bought a dog with no nose."
2nd Man: " No nose? How does it smell?"
1st Man: "Terrible!!!"
 Mickey_blueeyes
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 371
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 10/22/2009 4:20:26 PM
The mother superior is making an announcement it the convent “We have a case of Chlamydia here in the convent” she says & just as she finishes the sentence an old nun at the back gets up & shouts “I hope it’s better than that f**king case of Chardonnay we got for Christmas”.
 blue_blonde_bloke
Joined: 10/18/2009
Msg: 372
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:55:12 PM
Sorry, don't know how to post, this is just a piggyback. here's my joke.

Jill, pregnant with triplets, is a cashier at a convenience store.
All of a sudden a robber bursts in, shoots her 3 times in the stomach,
takes the money and runs. Jill is rushed to the hospital.
The doctors discover that despite the flesh wounds,
she and her babies seem miraculoulsy unharmed.
She carries her babies to term and gives birth to twin girls and a boy.
Healthy and happy, she doesn't give the shooting another thought.
Thirteen years later, Jill is home with her children,
enjoying her evening, when one of her daughters runs up to her scared witless.
'Mommy, mommy,' she says, ' i was going number 1 and a bullet came out!!'
Jill says, 'Aha! I think i know what happened.' and describes to her daughter
the strange event before her birth.
An hour later, her second daughter comes running up to her,
'Mommy, mommy, i was going number 2 and a bullet came out!!'
Jill calms her down, and again, explains what happened.
Another hour goes by, and all of a sudden Jill hears her son from his room,
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' He runs out and screams,
'Mom, mom, i was masturbating and i shot the dog!'
 greynomad43
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 373
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:21:28 PM
The Power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
*
*
(Wait for it.)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
" He should've quit while he was a head!"
 ted61
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 374
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:12:37 AM
A truck driver is driving when he sees an old man crying, sitting on a gaurdrail. He brakes to a stop and asks, whats wrong buddy? The old man stops his tears for a minute and said, " three weeks ago I married a beautiful young woman, face of an angel, body of a model. Every morning she wakes me up with oral sex, then we have a great breakfast of toast, waffles, jelly jam, ham, eggs, bacon, etc. Then we have sex. Then its time for me to go to work. She stops me, puts me in a lawn chair, adjusts the umbrella so the sun won't bother me, and SHE goes out, plows the fields, plants the crops. At lunch time, she comes in, she makes a fantastic lunch. soup, salads, breads, etc. Then we have sex again, then she puts me back in my lawn chair, reajusts the umbrella, puts some iced tea beside me and goes out and and cuts the grass, trims the hedges. Then she comes in for supper. She makes a roast, ham, rainbow trout , breads, cornbread, potatoes, mixed v egetable, etc. Then we have sex, and then go out on the porch and watch the sun set as she gives me a handjob. Then we have sex,and go to bed, then it starts all over again the next day, he cries!" The truck driver says, It sounds like you hve it pretty good, why are you crying? NO NO, you don't understnd cries the old man. I FORGET WHERE I LIVE!!
 Rockin in the Rox
Joined: 10/14/2009
Msg: 375
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 10/23/2009 1:02:57 PM
Oh BuddaNature thanks for posting this. I heard it long ago and forgot the basics and punch line. It is indeed funny. May you have One With Everything.

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