| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/7/2008 1:12:02 PM | | An Irishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experiense shoeing horses.He said "no but i once told a donkey to f*@k off" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/7/2008 1:17:41 PM | | three guys in speech therapy in Dublin.Woman says "if you can say where your from without stuttering i'll give you a blow-job" ....first shaun says "D.D.D.Dublin".... mick says "C.C.C.Cork"..... pat says London" she drops to her knees and sucks his knob, as he comes he shouts "D.D.D.Derry" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/7/2008 1:27:21 PM | | A guy is walking down the pier one morning and comes across a beautiful paraplegic sitting in her wheelchair and crying. "What's the matter?" asks the guy. "I just turned 21 and have never received a hug from a man who wasn't a relative ,"was the reply. The guy figures what the hell and gives her a hug. As he starts walking away she starts crying again. "Is there something else wrong?" asks the man. Girl says "well I just turned 21 and have never been kissed by a man that wasn't related to me". The guy figures it's not going to cost me anything to help her feel better and walks over and gives her a kiss. Again he starts to walk away and she begins to cry even harder. The guy turns around and says "now what's the problem? " "I just turned 21 and I've never been screwed". Guy walks over picks her up from chair and pitches her over the rail into the ocean and hollers "Now you're screwed!" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/7/2008 5:21:56 PM | | a man is in the hospital and needs to use the bathroom. before he can get out of bed he sh*ts the bed. he gathers up the sheets and throws them out the window. at that time two drunks are stumbling home after a full night of drinking when out of nowhere one of the drunks is hit with the soiled sheets. he wrestles mightily going in circles and punching the sheets until they are laying on the ground at his feet. the other drink says damn you just beat the sh*t out of a ghost. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/7/2008 5:44:30 PM | | a man goes to san francisco for a sales meeting. one night he ventures into china town where he meets a beautiful chinese prostitute. he spends several hours making love. a few days later he realizes his penis has turned blue, green, and orange. obviously concerned he goes to a local doctor. the doc runs tests and says i have some very bad news....your penis will have to be amputated. horrified the man says he wants a second opinion. he thinks i got this from a chinese hooker so i will visit a chinese doctor. he goes back to china town and finds a very old chinese doctor. the doc looks at the man's penis and says oh yes i have seen this many many times. the man feels a bit better. the chines doc asks have you seen an american doctor yet. he answers yes. the chinese doc asks what did he say. the man answers he said he would have to cut it off. the chinese doc laughs and says american doctors are so money hungry, there is no need to cut it off. the man says oh thank you doctor what do i do? the chinese doc says do nothing just wait 2 or 3 days it fall off by itself. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/8/2008 10:03:15 AM | paddy an mark are two friends on a plane,
mark turns round to paddy an asks him " if this plane turns upside down an the roof came off, do u think we'd fall out????? "
paddy replies...." no chance.......... we've been friends for years"
lol def best joke i've heard | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/12/2008 1:05:08 PM | | A guy is informed by a doctor holding his lab results that he has a disease called G.A.S.H. The doctor explains that the name is an acronym for a combined disease of having gonoreaha, aids, syphilis, and herpes all at the same time. The guy is horrified and asks the doctor if there is anything he can take for it and the doctor says..."Sure, eat pancakes, pita bread, pizza and toast". The guy looks confused and asks..."Is that really gonna help my condition??". The doctor laughs and says "No, not really.....but its the only things we can slide under the door, loser" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/15/2008 7:29:34 AM | and now for some rhymes:
one fine day in the middle of the night
two dead men got up to fight
they stood back to back and faced each other
drew their swords and shot each other
and
she stood on the biridge at midnight
her lips were all of a quiver
she gave a cough
her leg dropped of
and floated down the river
i thank you | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/15/2008 8:18:58 AM | A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice".
"So :
I switched the heads".
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/17/2008 7:37:11 AM | Thanks it's one mine to.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this
parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak
English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything,
he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should
tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!" ! he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to
kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:04:33 PM | I brought a race horse today, I have decided to call him My face.
I don't care if he wins a race of makes me any money.
I just wanna hear all them posh old tarts at Ascot screaming
"COME ON MY FACE"
That has to be the funniest joke going.
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:45:57 AM | Decisions, Decisions…
I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!
The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.
I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/21/2008 11:38:08 AM | | tarzan walking in the jungle his loincloth all frayed and worn bumps into his mate hello tarzan whats a matter with you i aint got no money no clothes no house no food wht dont you go down dole office sign on youl get a giro whats a giro says tarzan you take it to the post office get money for food next day tarzan walks in the dole office girl says can i help come to sign on says tarzan what your name she says im tarzan where do you live inthe jungle in a tree house why you here got no money no clothes house is falling down i aint eaten for weeks started eating cheetah m e chimp had a leg for breakfast arm for dinner a foot for supper the woman looks at him and says if you cant get by on a monkey a week you got no chance here | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/21/2008 5:10:01 PM | Maybe not that funny but had to share.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/24/2008 12:32:06 PM | Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/24/2008 12:35:22 PM | Don't laugh!" said Ed the patient.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said."I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. "
On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/25/2008 7:48:51 AM | I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now for you visual people.
Who is the most popular guy in a nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/25/2008 7:52:21 AM | A midget was just walking along one day; he went to cross the road then BAM!!! A car knocked him over!
The man driving jumped out of his car and ran over to the midget who was slowly getting up and brushing himself down.
'I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you' said the man in the car. The midget walked over to the driver and said
'I’m not happy you know'
'so which one are you?' said the driver.
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/25/2008 12:52:16 PM | Englishman and Scotsman sitting in a bar having a brew,,,the Scotsman turns to the Englishman and says, "If I went to your house while you were out fishing, shagged your wife and she had my kid, would that make us related?"
The Englishman turns to the Scotsman and replies, "Don't know if we would be related, but would sure make us even." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 1/25/2008 3:36:45 PM | dave those were so funny,, think the driver would call that one grumpy...
Sassy heard that one before but little different it was with rednecks. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/10/2008 12:12:16 AM | I have enjoyed all your jokes so much, you have a wicked sense of humour, and a naughty twinle in your eye. thanks for brightening up a dull Sunaday for me...
Cougar | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:36:48 AM | With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went
unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started."
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