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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/11/2008 8:50:26 AM | A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/15/2008 9:47:51 AM | Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. "
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you
now."
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/17/2008 9:45:26 AM | Little Johnny and Little Susie went down behind the barn to play "I'll Show You Mine, If You'll Show Me Yours"...
Johnny puuuuuuullled his pants down...
Susie Puuuuullllled her pants down...
They looked a minute...
Then Johnny jerked his pants back up and went runnining like mad for the house!
Susie pulled her pants back up and ran after him, hollering, "Johnny, Johnny... What's Wrong???"
Johnny stopped and turned to her with tears in his eyes. "SniffFF! My Mama told me if I ever saw anything like that I would turn to stone... AND I CAN FEEL IT STARTING ALREADY!!!"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/17/2008 10:28:22 AM | A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year -old continue, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the
kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/17/2008 10:32:35 AM | Photo on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
"No, silly,"
she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?"
he continues.
"No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?"
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
"That's me before the surgery." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/17/2008 10:35:13 AM | One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?' | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/17/2008 2:30:09 PM | How do you know when an elephant is on her period?
There's a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is gone.
I heard that when I was 10 and still think it's hilarious. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/18/2008 7:01:07 AM | One evening last week, the little lady and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled
look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit.
We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought
I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally! said, "I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like
she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am
and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/18/2008 10:59:45 AM | That was very funny indeed, PDD..!!!
It reminds me a little of the one where....
A man's wife goes into labour and he calls the emergency services, all in a fluster. The paramedic at the end of the 'phone tries to calm him down and then says "Tell me, is this her first child??" To which the man replied "No, of course not... this is her husband!!". Tee hee...!!
Yeah.... okay then!!  | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/19/2008 6:57:16 AM | A girl and a guy get in an elevator. The girl asks “are you going to the third floor?” “No “the guy replies, I’m going to the fifth floor. The girl says “oh I’m donating blood. I get ten dollars every time.” “Well he says “I’m donating sperm and I get fifty dollars every time.”
The next week the same girl and the same guy get on the same elevator again. The guy asks “third floor?” The girl looks at him and with her mouth closed and cheeks bulging goes “ugh ugh”. “Fifth floor he asks”? Again with her mouth closed and cheeks bulging she goes ugh ha.
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/20/2008 2:06:46 AM | Here is I copied and pasted......I have not seen or heard this one for a long time.
Enjoy all!
Senior Night.........................
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting hall, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly, ------it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist......
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/20/2008 6:58:01 AM | | A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the bl.ow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/20/2008 2:23:17 PM | Ok I have this simple tiny little joke which I find funny.
Once a kid was driving his bike and he decides to show off in front of his mother. He starts driving the bike without hands and yells to her mother, "Look Mother, without hands."
After few minutes he comes back to his mom now driving the bike with both hands crying and says, "Look mother, now I am without teeth." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/20/2008 2:40:07 PM | Before And After Sex
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a p.u.s.s.y look like?"
The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"
"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.
The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/21/2008 7:19:27 AM | A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Don't do that. Come running with me. It's much more fun!" The deer takes off with the rabbit.
They come across an elephant doing coke. "Come running with us, elephant," says the rabbit. "You'll feel so good!" The elephant decides to join in the fun.
The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.
The deer screams, "Lion, what are you doing? He's trying to help us!" The lion answers, "The fu cker makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/21/2008 7:22:08 AM | A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she
starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks
about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk
her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order
the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the
bar A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The
boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains;
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink
the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally you drink the
lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for
it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks this is OK.
Finally, he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....
In one second the sharp lime taste hits....
At two seconds the Baileys curdles....
At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This
triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and
says,"Jesus, what do you call that drink?
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge!"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/21/2008 8:42:20 AM | A mother and her daughter are walking through the park on the way to the zoo when little Mary notices the bushes moving alongside the path. Peering over she looks and runs back to her mother with wide eyes "mommy, mommy! What are they doing?"
her mother takes a look and sees a young couple having sex. Blurting out the first time that comes into her mind she says, "they're baking a cake!"
When they get to the zoo they're walking past the monkey cage and little Mary sees two monkeys going at each other like crazy. "mommy, mommy! What are they doing?"
Remembering what she had said earlier, her mother replies, "they're baking a cake."
The next morning little Mary is in the kitchen eating breakfast and she says to her mom,
"Mommy. I know you and daddy were baking a cake last night!"
"Oh? And how do you know that?" asked her mother.
Little Mary replied,
"Because I saw you on the couch and after you went to bed I licked up all the batter!" | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/21/2008 2:48:19 PM | Charlie was fixing a door and found he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife, Bev, to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Bev saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was
waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was
finished, Bev asked "How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Bev exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and
Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Bev replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/22/2008 6:40:26 AM | A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said,
"I bet you can't tell me something to make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your****is bigger than your brother's."
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