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| Here's a good one
Posted: 2/22/2008 11:15:40 PM | It was Sunday morning and a priest had just finished saying mass.While exiting the church the priest see's a young boy sitting on the step at the main entrance to the church.
"What are you doing young man" asked the priest, "killing these bloody ants" replied the boy.
Shocked and disappointed the priest replies, " Stop killing those ants, dont you know ants are Gods creatures, and killing them is a sin."
"These damn ants are of no good to anyone!" replied the boy.
"No good to anyone you say? , i want you to come back here next Sunday and tell me three things God put on this planet that are of no use to anyone"
The week passes and while exiting the church that Sunday moring the priest see's the same boy sitting on the step squaching ants with his finger.
"I thaught i told you to stop killing those ants! have you got that list for me?" snapped the priest.
"Yes" replied the boy, " your balls, a nuns t*ts and these f***ing ants". | |
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| I think there's some truth to this one ;o)
Posted: 2/22/2008 11:30:48 PM | In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." | |
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| May not be the funniest joke but...
Posted: 2/23/2008 2:15:16 PM | A boy walks up to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between illusion and reality?"
Dad responds, "Son, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." The boy runs away and comes back a moment later, "She says yes."
"Okay, now go ask your mom if she'd sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars."
The boy runs away and comes back again a few moments later. "She says yes too."
"Okay. At first glance we'd be under the illusion that we're sitting on a gold mine but the reality is we're living with a couple of whores." | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/25/2008 7:23:25 AM | Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio
table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....
"Bob, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then s aid,
"Bob, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Bob, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Bob,
remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/25/2008 7:27:10 AM | Someone out there either has too much
> >>>
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
> >>>
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
> >>>
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
> >>>
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
> >>>
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
> >>>
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
> >>>
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
> >>>
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
> >>>
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
> >>>
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
> >>>
A
DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
> >>>
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
> >>>
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too
much time on their hands!
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/28/2008 7:45:35 AM | I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you to can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/29/2008 8:40:20 AM | Voodoo****
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo di.ck,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo di.ck?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fu.cking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo di.ck, the door."
The voodoo****rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo di.ck, get back in your box!"
The voodoo di.ck stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo di.ck, my pu.ssy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo**** She got it out, and said "Voodoo d.ick, my pu.ssy!" The voodoo di.ck shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo di.ck was stuck in her pu.ssy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo di.ck, my ass!"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 2/29/2008 4:58:23 PM | | A lesbian couple and a gay couple are on there way to Orlando, which couple will get there first? The lesbians because the guys are still at home packing there sh$!. | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 3/1/2008 6:29:40 AM | [This mother and her little girl were driving along when they suddenly got into a big car accident. The mother made it out ok but the little girl ended up losing her eyesight.
So after a few weeks, the mother tells the daughter that the doctors just invented a new miracle cream that can cure eyesight in one night. The little girl was estatic and pleaded the mother to go the the pharmacy and get this new micale cream. So the mother takes the little girl to the store and buy it for her.
They return home, and when the little girl is going to bed, the mother puts the cream on her eyes with some cottonball over them to keep the cream there. So the little girl goes to sleep.
The next morning, the little girl woke up, all excited that she would be able to see again, so she tears off the cotton balls and wipes here eye, yet when she opened them she still couldn't see. Immediately she began to cry.
The mother walks into the room and asks the little girl what is the matter. "Mommy, I still can't see! The cream didn't work!"
"I know dear," said the mother, "April Fool's] ....lol.. Think I just pee'd a little bit.. | |
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| Here's a good one
Posted: 3/1/2008 6:33:35 AM | It was Sunday morning and a priest had just finished saying mass.While exiting the church the priest see's a young boy sitting on the step at the main entrance to the church.
"What are you doing young man" asked the priest, "killing these bloody ants" replied the boy.
Shocked and disappointed the priest replies, " Stop killing those ants, dont you know ants are Gods creatures, and killing them is a sin."
"These damn ants are of no good to anyone!" replied the boy.
"No good to anyone you say? , i want you to come back here next Sunday and tell me three things God put on this planet that are of no use to anyone"
The week passes and while exiting the church that Sunday moring the priest see's the same boy sitting on the step squaching ants with his finger.
"I thaught i told you to stop killing those ants! have you got that list for me?" snapped the priest.
"Yes" replied the boy, " your balls, a nuns t*ts and these f***ing ants | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 3/1/2008 9:19:48 AM | Here are 3 more:
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
No, I did not come up with these. I wish I were that smart and that I had that much time at hand. :) | |
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| What women want in a man?...... Your chuckle for the day. :)
Posted: 3/1/2008 9:25:06 AM | What I Want in a Man (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week
What I Want in a Man (at age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week
What I Want in a Man (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
11. Interested in romance 2-3 times a week
What I Want in a Man (at age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
11. Hope for a kiss each day
What I Want in a Man (at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
11. Remembers what romance was like
What I Want in a Man (at age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 3/3/2008 7:18:54 AM | | A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 3/3/2008 7:26:52 AM | Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the
drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he
was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water
on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack
sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black
eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices
a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to
get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love
you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a
hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper
all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk
and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke
it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything
in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast
is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to
the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!"
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 3/4/2008 2:48:39 PM | Blonde walks into the drycleaners and asks if her blouse is ready. Cleaner says "come again?" She replies "no it's mustard"
Love blonde jokes... | |
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| The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 3/4/2008 10:22:57 PM | a man is in hospital tubes comming out of every orrifice heart monitor on his chest oxygen mask on his face , he mumbles to the nurse " nurse are my testicals black ??? the nurse pulled back the blanket took the mans testicals in her hand rolled them around a bit stroked them and sed no they seem fine to me , the man took off his oxygen mask smiled and sed that was very nice infact i realy enjoyed it but are my test results back???? | |
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