| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 11:15:38 AM | | Of course, most of what I wrote applies to 1st or 2nd, or even 3rd daters. In a longstanding relationship, in which emotional investments have been made/encouraged, explanations are, indeed, in order. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 11:28:17 AM | Tawny I think your silence idea is okay for the initial phase of dating - after a couple dates people often "disappear" for whatever reason. It's not personal then and it's not about you then either; it's still about what the other person is looking for.
This particular case seems to have a lot of history in it based on the amount of time both had invested before they'd met. It wouldn't have killed her to say you know I enjoyed our chats but I don't think we clicked in person or I think we're better as friends (both dreaded and hated but valid) or at least some thanks I've enjoyed our conversations but it's time to move on. After that much time goes by it becomes personal. It's also a classy way to end things and I think you're a better person for it. (I don't mean you personally but "you" in the general sense.) | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 12:38:39 PM | | Whenever I get a sharp cut, like from a razorblade, it always takes longer to heal. lol Anyways I am still agreeing with tawnysummer. A long term relationship, yeah, show some compassion. Within a few dates? There is no basis for commitment. It may shatter a few hopes and bruise and ego, but there is no ‘I owe you’ there. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 12:57:35 PM | It does take courage to be honest with someone. But I would think that after the eve you spent with each other she would have felt comfortable enough with you to be able to be honest. I know that I have been guilty of this in the the far past. It had to do with me being afraid that the person would try to argue with me. I didn't do conflict well at the time. It is her problem, whatever the reason. Do not think it has anything to do with you, you sound like a nice and reasonable man. You might let anyone else you meet know that this really bothers you and for them to please not do this to you. Good luck - there are nice women out there.
Judith | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 1:07:25 PM | | I had almost the same thing happen to me when I met this girl off of here. We chatted here for about 3 or 4 months and then we decided to meet up. She chose the movies and I guess I was ok with that. We arranged to go meet up at the mall near the theatres and then we were on our way to go see the movie. We saw Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest. I put my hand around her and she accepted and we watched the movie together. When It was done we both left and we were talking about meeting up for the next time. We arrived at the Bus stop. She went her way and I went my way and while I was on the bus I was thinking about her and how we should have did something other than a movie on the first date. I went to contact her and her profile was deleted. A few days later, her profile re-appeared and I contacted her and I got no response. her profile was deleted again and re-appeared under a different username and I contacted her again and there was no response as well and so I just gave up and moved on. | |
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TecMan
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Joined: 1/22/2007
Msg: 81 | |
| Why do some Men and Women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 1:07:31 PM | | I have found in life that individuals have a problem stepping up to the line telling it the way it is. For the life of my I can't determine why, but it's a give fact. I know it's easy for me to say, but don't let it bother you. You have to get accustomed to dealing with it. And under any circumstance, do not put your heart out on your sleeve. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 1:09:32 PM | | Get use to it brother .... Alot of woman are the cause of break ups. You might want to try the over seas Market. There are still some family values woman around the world. Its been my experience that once a woman get married they stop trying. relationships is a 50 /50 deal . Take it as a positive think and keep looking. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 1:33:18 PM | | oh would you stop talking about going to find someone overseas . its a little tiresome to hear . what man really wants a woman who is so desperate to get out of the poverty and oppression of her own country that she will marry a stranger . these women dont really love you they are just glad to be out of their own country . is that what you really want ? a woman who will put on a good show for you and pretend to love you. how long can she keep pretending once she is here . when will she finally get tired of being grateful to someone by continuing to stay married to them . when will she finally get out of this sham marriage and decide that she doesnt want to live the rest of their lives without really loving someone. you are generalizing by saying that once women get married they stop trying. to me it seems like everyone men and women just dont take marriage all that seriously anymore . if things are so perfect and romantic anymore get a divorce . this is true of both sexes not only women. you really get back what you put out there. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 2:34:43 PM | Tawny has hit on the real issue, though I'm afraid she's reached the wrong conclusion.
Behavior is rude or not rude. We might call the person who does the rude behavior rude, himself, but that's strictly in terms of the specific, rude behavior. He may very well be polite in his every action to the end of his days. Just the same, one rude act remains just as rude, no matter how polite is everything else he does.
This means, of course, you don't have to know a thing about someone to know that one act or another is rude, because it's rude no matter who does it, or why. And this includes leaving people hanging who reasonably expect a response. They are waiting for a response, you know it, and don't respond. You're consciously, deliberately wasting their time. That's what makes it important.
I mean, come on, Tawny! You just met a sales clerk, and will never be friends. Does that mean that, when you ask if the shoes come in red and he looks you in the eye, turns, and walks away without answering, he hasn't been rude?
Or some stranger borrows your pen, pockets it, and waves as she walks away. That's not rude?
Your notion that rudeness only matters if you're going to know someone going forward is extremely rude. Courtesy is either an obligation under all circumstances, or it's no obligation at all. The way you seem to put it is not courtesy; it's only fooling someone you want to know into believing you're courteous, when you're really not.
Besides, what if you're rude to someone you think you'll never see again, only to walk into a job interview with the same person the next day? What's your explanation? Do you say, "I'm really sorry, but I didn't know you mattered."
Please think that one through again. You may be cultivating a very different reputation than you think you are.
If that's what matters.
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 3:34:24 PM | Unlike many posters, I'm not particularly concerned with cultivating a particular "reputation". I'm a little more concerned with expressing my honest ideas.
As to the fallacious analogies of the rude sales clerk and pen-borrower, I'm only going to suggest that someone needs a class in elementary logic. A sales clerk's job is to help you, and to attend to your needs--as much is outlined in the job description. That is not your blind date's job. A person who borrows a pen is necessarily indebting themselves to you (your use of the the word "borrow")--thus, yes, walking away with the pen would constitute rude behavior. These two "examples" are BARELY analogous to the dating situation. I persist in my original stance: your date does NOT owe you an explanation if he or she is not interested in further dates. Explanations are only really called for in the case of an emotional investment.
Again, I do not understand: Why do you want someone to tell you exactly what they didn't like about you and exactly why they don't want to see you again? Why can't you take a non-verbal rejection (i.e., silence) for what it's worth?
Another thing--I have not been offended in the slightest by those men on this site who have failed to return my advances. It's their choice whether or not to respond. They don't owe me crap just because I'm attracted to them, and they're not attracted to me. They don't need to call me up and give me a BS "We just didn't click" line. I'm fine without that. I prefer an honest silence to some phony euphemism for "I'm not attracted to you" any day.
However--of course, if someone asks for a reason, I'm usually more than happy to give one. Until they ask again. And again. And again. You get the picture. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 3:42:11 PM | its like school on saturday!!
NO CLASS!!
no excuse for it..but many or guilty of it!! | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 3:57:43 PM | (sigh)
Alright, this may not be "correct" in some peoples eyes, but I'm going to say it anyway.
Some people are just @$$#o!3$.
They don't consider "ok, it didn't work out but at least i met someone cool" and also don't have the basic human respect to just come out and say "i'm not interested". They'd rather let you keep up the chase, so they can feel good about themselves and say"look at me! i have all these people wanting me! i'm just that hot/cool, yadda yadda yadda". It shows a lack of self-worth on the their part and maybe issues with their own self esteem as well.
You were honest about yourself, friend. Just may turn out she wasn't.
Don't beat yourself up over someone else's lack of honesty and respect for you and themselves.
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/3/2007 6:29:23 PM | Tawny, I taught that class for a few years, so send whomever needs it on over!
Some how, I think you missed my point, which had nothing to do with wanting reasons or explanations. If we've met and you're expecting to hear from me, courtesy obliges me to give you a quick call (or an e-mail, if I've misplaced the round 'n hairies) and say, "thanks for meeting me. I don't see a connection. Good luck."
Otherwise, you pine and wail and eat all the ice cream.
Or not. But whatever time you spend waiting and wondering, whether years or none, is on me, because of that understanding.
Now, if we said, on parting, "Don't call me unless you're interested, and I won't either," then you still might wonder, but at least I'm explicitly excused from bringing you the good news.
I agree with you that it's pointless to know why someone I'll never see again thinks I'm ghastly. But there is a point to knowing whether I'm still free next Saturday.
OK?
Cheers!
Vulf | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 6:21:16 AM | Well seems to be she was just being polite and you wasnt really her cup of tea
When will people accept and realise that talking on here and meeting in the flesh are two completely different things. I think you can totally negate all contact on the web or phone once you take the next step to meeting in the real world .. its a totally different arena
Yes its rude not to respond and tell you that you didnt do it for her in person .. But theres nowt as queer as folk  | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 6:59:23 AM |
I agree with you that it's pointless to know why someone I'll never see again thinks I'm ghastly. But there is a point to knowing whether I'm still free next Saturday.
It's pretty basic. If you haven't made plans before next Saturday you're free, unless someone wants to make plans with you and it's mutual, no matter who it is within a reasonable amount of time. Never hold your Saturdays open for anyone you've met, you like, and you haven't heard from (or anyone at all for that matter), of course unless you want to...in which case, carry on. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 10:18:49 AM | It's fair to ask why both some men and some women (most?) do this, IMHO. Reviewing the posts here, yes there is a commonality with some other questions posed, and there's definitely two major and differing opinions as to if it's alright/not rude/good behavior to just disappear without any explanation.
One concept I would like to offer a different opinon about, is the fear that rejection will spark stalking/flames/negative response and so to avoid that just disappearing is the preferable alternative. I think that's a bit of the chicken and the egg, meaning, one sort of knows they should respond at least once, but doesn't because they fear/anticipate they'll get a negative reaction back. I cannot accept that logic, as it assumes the worst in the other person, and why woud we do that if we thought enough of them to talk for some time and even meet in the first place?
Sure, it might happen, but if that fear is a valid excuse, then why fish in this pond at all - there're any number of 'bad' things that could happen. I propose that if we make the decision to engage in the behavior of getting to know others, and spend some good time doing so, then we should also consciously accept the obligation to respectfully terminate that communication proportionate to what ever level it has reached when we make that decision. There are a couple of other posts that agree with this if the relationship has reached a certain level, however anything beyound just a first contact deserves, in my opinion, some sort of response.
It's been argued in other forums on whether or not one should feel obligated to respond to a 'cold call' first message and I am not trying to revisit that here. However, if you've chosen to spend sometime getting to know someone, then I think you should accept you've shown the other significant interest and it is only polite to let them know when you want to stop exploring them further. I do agree with some others here that failure to do so out of fear or other reasons is indicative of character, and possibly predictive of behavior in a long term relationship. We can learn from that, whether it is done to us or we're the ones who have done it.
I have never enjoyed a rejection and when it involves white lies it is sometimes even more difficult. However, I respect the person in that at least they were courageous enough to let me know, and extremely thankful that I found out 'the rest of the story' sooner rather than later. The ones that are gentle but completely honest - I envy the guy you end up with  . | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 2:12:20 PM | | No offense Squiggy, but I find it ironic that you are asking why women do this, but you admitted you've done it yourself. Maybe if you ask yourself why YOU did it that'll give you the answer why SHE did it. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 2:44:43 PM | I am not a girl, but here's my thoughts...
Online and face to face are a WHOLE WORLD apart. Online you don't get body language, voice tone, vocal expression etc. Even talking on the phone isn't as good either...better than online chatting, but no substitute for a face to face meeting.
I say one good face to face meeting is worth weeks of chatting. I try to meet a lady asap, just to see if we click in person. It can save a lot of time and frustration. I am speaking from experience.
Experience is a hard teacher, she gives the test first and the lesson afterwards. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 2:54:28 PM | | No one has to be polite. No one has to hold the door for anyone. No one has to to say please or thank you. One of the fundamental problems with relationships (all relationships not just the romantic variety) is a lack of communication, and the fact that you would 'hint' at something instead of coming out and saying it speaks volumes about the state of our ability to 'realize' other people as such. It's demonstrates a lack of empathy and plain old curtesy. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 3:00:55 PM | NewtoNFLD...you hit the nail, right on the head. i've met men in the past, that i've had coffee with that wanted to stretch the date for dinner or drinks and i politely mentioned that i wasn't feeling any chemistry towards them. a few of them, nearly flipped on me for being so honest. one man actually sent me the nastiest email i had ever seen...calling me all kinds of names. he said..."how could you possibly know if you like me or not, in a half hour??" i confronted him a few days after the date and mentioned that i had told him previous to meeting, that if i didn't think we were compatible, that i wouldn't lead him on....i would tell him...so i did.
i believe that we should pay more attention to certain reactions when meeting someone, so that we can determine if we should be upfront or not. you're right...some can take it and some can't. good point!!! | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 6:35:26 PM |
one man actually sent me the nastiest email i had ever seen...calling me all kinds of names. he said..."how could you possibly know if you like me or not, in a half hour??" i confronted him a few days after the date and mentioned that i had told him previous to meeting, that if i didn't think we were compatible, that i wouldn't lead him on....i would tell him...so i did.
It's funny, sometimes you can't win. If you tell some the truth up front, they tell you they weren't given a chance. If you wait it out to be sure and tell them two or three dates later, you've strung them along. There's no middle ground; IMO for some people if it's not mutual they're not going to take it well no matter how it happens, and that's not realistic. It makes dating harder for the people who actually get the process. People who can't take the downside shouldn't be out there if they don't ever expect to meet someone they don't click with. | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/4/2007 7:00:53 PM | Hi Squiggles I mean Squiggy :)
Am sorry you were left in the air about how this person felt and I empathise.
Went out with a guy from this site, first meet, a week ago and had previously developed a good rapport chatting and phone. When time came to meet he just didnt boil my water so to speak :) no real connection/chemistry (and not meaning just looks!). On the other hand he felt differently and wanted to continue seeing me.
I find it really difficult to tell someone I am not into them the way they would hope but I did say nicely to this guy who is a top guy and a gentleman, that I didnt feel the same and only wished I did as he'd be a great catch for the right lady. He was very good about it, although disappointed, and wished me well. No nastiness. At the end of the day I would much rather a guy tell me similar... although in cases I have experienced is very rare a guy will... easier to just no longer make any contact which I guess both sexes do but is kinda selfish and cowardice as no closure and leaves the other hanging and wondering.
You do deserve a very special lady Squiggy and am sure she will appear in your life and be very blessed to have you in hers.
Take Care
(( Hugs & Smiles ))
Annie - Sunshine Coast, Australia  | |
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| Why do some women do this?
Posted: 4/5/2007 8:24:59 AM | | Well as a woman, I do not do this. I have gone out with several of the men that I have met on line and if I was not interested I told them that I wasn't and why I wasn't. I have been perfectly honest even when it hurts, and I will continue to be so because that is my nature. | |
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| Yes I have had this happen!
Posted: 4/5/2007 8:36:43 AM | | Some guys I think, prefer to just disappear than be honest and either say there wasnt any chemistry when they meet or you wasnt what they excpected unless they think this way is less hurtful! | |
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