| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/28/2007 6:27:36 PM | My ex was not right for me, but I don't know that you ever totally get over someone you were with for years. Life was really bad when I was married, but it was in many ways easier. I didn't have to share my kids, take out the trash, or pay the equivalent of a mortgage on an apartment.
So, I don't know if I'm not over him, or if I'm not over my former life, or if you can even separate the two. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/28/2007 6:58:25 PM | | I miss all of them for who they were when I met them, not necessarily who they are now. | |
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Lea74
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Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 178 | |
| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/28/2007 7:01:02 PM | | Reading ur reply i think ur a man with great insight,i even learned a lil about myself,when i broke it off with my ex for long distance issues,i too wanted to stay friends,but not sure why,it didnt feel right and i knew long b4 the break up this was not ment to be,this is not the man i can see myself grownig old with,but now reading ur response,i think uv hit the nail on the head,Verry clever!..i still miss him as there were good times,but do not contact him as i know within myself i do not want him back,this would be a waste of time for myself as for him,.Life is too short and i am a strong beleiver in things happen for reasons,if things dont go right or dont happen at all,they werent ment to!,for some unbeknown reason to us sometimes.This is where live and learn comes from,weather it be good or bad.But eventualy hopefully it all falls into place..if u find urself alone,love urself,make and keep good friends family keep busy and smile,,Thank u for youre insight .. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/29/2007 10:27:50 PM | Great question! Here is my personal experience, I hope it makes a contribution to those still having difficulty.
As an ENFP, breaking up a marriage (with children) was counter-intuitive in the EXTREME. Despite being dumped and feeling like I had been kicked in the guts repeatedly, I would play the unconditional love card. This went on for about 3 years (to date). In the process, my professional life went backwards, I gave up my pride (and in some cases, my dignity), I spent (and gave away) all my money, but most impactively, I gave up my power and legal rights.
Some would say that I have nothing or that I was stupid. I've always felt that what I was doing was the right thing when it came to crucial decisions even though most times it was against the grain of society. As it turns out, it saved me. I would not have been able to live with myself if I had not totally thrown everything I had at the relationship. Now I have peace of mind, and it is the ONLY thing that has allowed me to make a clean break and move on.
It has not been without a LOT of hard work - reading books, studying my faith and being aware of my core values. Through this, I have been able to discover that the problems my wife were facing were bigger than both of us. This had two very important ramifications:
1) I could stop beating myself up for my inevitable (and not insignificant) mistakes during the marriage
2) She doesn't have a lot of choice in the way she responded and is responding now to her condition.
I have realised that this is a journey she must take and it is necessarily without me. This problem developed when she was a adolescent, and she needs to go back to solve it.
Despite the fact that she continues to behave in a way which is starkly insensitive, I still love her as a human being. She really is a beautiful person when unencumbered. She is smart and has a strong spirit so I think ultimately, she will overcome. But I will have moved on by then.
In my learning experience, I learned early on that life is nowhere near fair, but I am OK with that. I enjoy being response-able because I can accept many immutable facts without feeling hard-done-by or victimised. This is amazingly liberating and empowering.
I'm excited about dating again and I feel like I have been blessed beyond belief. Here I am with an opportunity to discover my independent self with a clean slate - like a kid, but this time, I have wisdom and peace of mind. So many times I have heard people say, "if only I had the chance again". Well I feel like I do, and it is all in front of me.
Couple of tips:
1) The past is there to inform you (the way feelings are there to inform(feedback)). Once you process the INFORMation, move on. Never ever ever consider "might-have-beens". This breeds resentment which is a cancer for your soul.
2) Don't feel hard-done-by. Life isn't fair, and it doesn't owe you anything. Accept this. Understand yourself and accept who you are. Forgive yourself and choose to be happy. Ban condemnation in all forms - from yourself and from others. Smile.
3) Face forward. Give thanks for the massive range of choices laid out in front of you. This is how you choose to be happy - because you are grateful and excited about these choices. Problems are opportunities for gaining an empowering ability to respond to your condition (response-ability). As you walk forward, be patient with yourself. Allow for mistakes, and never condemn yourself for them. Have an outward looking love. Always think in terms of what you can contribute rather than what you can gain. The gains will be enormous. You won't even notice the ground passing by beneath your feet.
In conclusion, hate no one in your life. If you can love your ex and accept them for who they are and where they are - without resentment, then you can move on. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/29/2007 11:52:41 PM | I responded to this post way back in the beginning...back in March. A lot has happened since then.
Since my first posting, my last ex starting coming around. He said he wanted to try again. Well...we all know...same ol same ol. Its been very difficult but I'm glad it happened. Because he called again and asked if I wanted to get together over the holidays. I said I was to busy. And I was. And I wasn't sad about it.
Now, its not that I hate him...I just don't have anything to say to him anymore and now I know he has nothing to say that I want to hear.
I also want to agree with one poster who said he understood why no one gets dates here. Everyone is still hung up on their ex's.
Here's hoping everyone can get to a healthy/healed space so the next person who walks into your life doesn't have to pay for the mistakes of the last one. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/30/2007 1:54:42 AM | No, I'm not.
I'm not over the idea of him...who he was...what he saw me as...
It's been four years....and I know I am young but I feel like this ache will never leave...its so hard when you feel something that's actually real and become addicted to it...
I am grateful, however, that God blessed me with the experience...I know what love and intimacy is now and wouldn't trade it for the world...its not that I can't get over him...its just I want to stay in love with my sorrow...even though I want to let it go...its so hard to admit this...
I am in love with the idea though...and I know I will never have that feeling again...I think thats why I just don't care anymore. The day that I am released from earth will be the day I get to go to heaven anyway...and be with the ultimate one. What does tangibility really do for someone? Makes them happier that's for sure. I know I'm babbling so I will now stop lol. Goodnight.
~Elle | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/30/2007 1:13:36 PM |
I miss all of them for who they were when I met them, not necessarily who they are now.
Me too.  | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/30/2007 1:42:17 PM | | I have been divorced for almost 9 years. Since my kids are now grown and I am entering a new phase of my life, I find I miss what I could have now, had the marriage not dissolved. The years of child rearing after the divorce distracted me. Now that the kids are grown , I miss having companionship. I find recently becoming whistful when I meet a young man in his 20's that reminds me of the man I fell in love with so many years ago. He was the right person at the right time. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/30/2007 1:43:31 PM | True love lasts forever. That doesn't mean you stay with the person forever.
I lose no sleep over anyone I have ever been with.
I still love them, but have no desire to be with them.
You move on with a smile on your face. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/30/2007 2:02:59 PM | | I know Im over my ex but some women think your not if they see you together my ex and i get along ok an d im happy with that better than the hatred i have for my first ex it can make things hard because as i said some women think you still belong to them not true give us guys like this a chance and find out from the horses mouth | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:20:50 AM | i think, for the most part, everyone will miss their exs. even the ones that were horrible for us. their was always some quality inthem that we liked and desired, and that never truly changes, that is what we always remember even if we try to forget.
we always miss our exs at some point because, in some ways, we always see them as part of who we r. either because they helped shape us for the better or worse, or we some of ourselves in them.
we will always miss our exs and that is natural. we can only hope, that as much as we miss them, that we can get over them if need be.
i know i am. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:30:43 PM | | Yours perhaps best bespeaks my own situ.( Except the having great sex part LOL).Me & my X finally recently completed our paper work & remain friends--but I am NOT in Love with her. NOT Sure I ever really was. We got together on a setup by her sister(whodoes drugs & is in a failed marriage of her own so--Lessons learned!). My previous comment ( on the main thread )a few months back was probly unsound & inaccurate because it hurts to chase something/someone & never catch it/or her!)But yeh I am over B. & moving on with life. Very recently have met a lovely lady on line here to chat with. Am trying to take it slow & be on my 'best behavior' (which I should anyway!) Have friends & family but don't usually share these personal issues there. But Healing 1rst--frindship 2nd & paralell to that be a real friend for this nice person & like I say see where that goes. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:14:33 AM | | Well it has been 2 years after my divorce of 19 years and I'm just now to the point where I can live again but in truth I wish it had happend like 10 years ago she was never a good wife but I loved her so much that I was blinded thinking things would turn around so I worked hard made as much money as I could because we had 7 kids her's mine and our's she would never get a job and help me and she was very needy ,I would work 12,13 hour shifts come home no supper house dirty and she demanding I go get something as soon as I hit the door she had been raped as a teen and her parents sexually abused her so she was in depression I did not know all this till we were married thats when the doctors said she trusted me and she was letting it out in a way I felt she needed me and I was her protector ,I kept her from killing herself many times and I kept thinking all we have to do is get her through this but after 19 years of that and me and the kids suffering she looked at me one day and said I deserved better and so do the kids and she knew the only way I would leave her side was if she cheated and thats what she did .After the divorce she also wanted to be friends but I could not do it I have not spoken to her in like year and a half and she is with another man who has her living in the most discusting appartment I have ever seen this guy can't even get a drivers lisence Don't know why and now she has to work because he won't .I guess deep down I will always love her but she is a stranger to me now and to the kids they want nothing to do with her and yes im ready to move on life changes I guess but I pray is God himself will make those who took advantage of her pay for what they did because I know deep down she loved me and it would have worked but she had to much pain from what others did to her and I learned I can't fix everything. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:43:51 AM | | Im not over him but he keeps sending me messages and i want to be over him...Why are these things so hard its our feelings there crap!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:36:03 PM | | I think more people miss the feeling they get then the actual ex. There is a reason after all that they are your ex. But the feeling or connection you had with them could be one of the greatest feelings and if they found someone else that gave them that same feeling the ex in question would be forgotten without a doubt. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:08:56 PM | We were married for so long. Sometimes I just feel so lost without him. I think you just get used to having someone there. Some days I spend all day just thinking about the good times. I tend to forget the bad stuff, or maybe I just don't want to think about that. It has been nine months. I wonder when and how I will get completely over him? I hate lonely.................... | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:24:42 PM | I knew our time was limited, it was borrowed time. Im working on being over him.
I look at it this way. I was happy as can be, it was a gift of life. Now I dont have him, but the happy memories will always be there.
I guess if we focus our pain in the happy moments, it makes it easier to move on. | |
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| are you over your ex?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:18:35 AM |
months, or even years, after the breakup, do you still think you lost your one true love (so to speak), or did you realize in time that that person was not the right person for you regardless of how much you wanted him or her at the time?
Interesting this, i used to find (as the last time i was with anyone was 10+ years ago) it would take a while to get over them HOWEVER out of standards i would never talk to them again.
Most would take this as "not being over them", i was, but i have a rule, i NEVER talk to them again, and if i do there are rules, NEVER talk about the past and NEVER talk about THERE future meaning i dont want to know about there new people in there life, the moment that new rule is broken, there are no second chances, i blank them even if meaning loosing other "friends". | |
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