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| when your love dies
Posted: 3/29/2007 11:01:06 PM | thanks so much for the poems and songs onesimpleneed. I lost my husband in January 06--1 month before our 10th anniversary to cancer. so many people still keep telling me""he's in a better place" and "he's better off than we are" annd my favorite is "he wouldn't want you to sit around and worry and cry". These same people have told me I should be ashamed of myself--I've been dating alot in the past few months. I say thank you for your concern, but there is a time to mind your own concerns. A part of the loved one stays with you forever--I know my husband was my soul-mate. If I find someone to share the rest of my life with that's ok. Most of the guys I've dated so far have been very good about dealing with the facts and very courteous. To all of you--keep the faith, don't give up, and live. Take things One Day at aTime. God Bless.
Brenna | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 3/29/2007 11:29:07 PM | | I lost my husband also to cancer, he was diagnosed in Feb. 2005 and he passed away July 2005, we were married for 20 years. The one main thing that has kept me going is that he had me make a death bed promise to him, that I was to continue on with my life and find someone and not sit home and die. The problem is, I ta look for certain qualities in other men that he had, and its not fair to the other guys. Each man is special in his own way, they all have their own special qualities . I'm still searching and hopefully I will find the love like i had for 20 years. So no matter how hard it gets, you have to move on and live life to the fullest and enjoy each day as it comes. Good luck to all. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 3/29/2007 11:31:29 PM | Hello jojo,
yes i too have lost my love of 20 years, 4 years ago now and know exactly what you are talking about. We were married for 16 of those years so had to get used to talking to the opposite sex again let alone dating them.
I started by joining a singles dinner group, this was a good way to get chatting again without any pressure of necessarily having to pair up with someone. I have had a couple of short term relationships since but have not found that someone special. I am sure he is out there and am prepared to wait for the right person. Ive learned to not try too hard to look for him and know it will happen when i least expect it.
Good luck
Loulou2u | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 3/30/2007 2:00:43 AM | Dear onesimpleneed....i have just finished writing down the beautiful words..of one of the options and i have never cried so much.. for such a long time.. and now i feel a lot better....even though this thread is sad... it has made us all stop and think of people we have loved and lost....thank you for your kindness through your sadness..patti  | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 3/30/2007 9:47:20 AM | Brenna,
Exactly! You get it and some people just don't. I know that death changes things. I am not saying death is unfair, because last time I checked eventually we all have to deal withit, none of us are getting out of here alive.
Now granted, for me, it will be when I hear a knock on the door, open it up and Ducan McCloud is standing there sword in hand telling me there can be only one  or so I would hope.
I buried 4 relatives in 3 months (two were my favorite uncles) when I was very young. My Grandparents buried all of their children with the exception of my Mom. Imagine the grief my Grandparents must have felt. However, the thing was that the ones that passed on were never forgetten and I would see my Grandparents eyes light up and a smile come to their face when we talked about those we had lost.
Then later in life, lost my Mom and Dad within 6 months of each other, and Mom went on Christmas Eve. People in my family either die right around 40-45 or else live to be 90-100.
I swear, now that I'm coming up to the 40-45 bracket, I look up every day just to check to see if a friggin' safe is going to fall on me before I set foot out the door!
Two words...Death Sucks. Anyone that tells me to get over it, to pack away the videos and the pictures, forget it. When I am old and have nothing but memories to look back on? I want to remember those people and the good times, if I don't keep those images close, I WILL forget.
My Mom and Grandma taught me how to cook and gave me the gift of being able to laugh even during the hardest of times. Every time somebody new eats my cooking and asks how I learned to do it, of course my Mom and Grandmother are going to come up. The older I get? I really am beginning to look like a dead ringer for my Dad so I get reminded of him every morning when I shave...some mornings I don't shave.
It is bad if the grief is so severe that you can't function and stay alive because you can't keep a job or enter a depression so great that honestly? You lay in bed and think, I'm never getting up. Seek professional help, but don't listen to those who say get over "it".
In fact, send them my way. They can come over for Christmas Dinner. I don't sit at the head of the table. The place setting at the head of the table is set, however, nobody sits there. Before the meal commences, from memory, I speak the names of those close to me that I have lost. I offer the chance to speak to each person at the table, then I say the prayer and remind those who have gone that they are always close to our hearts and thoughts. That ought to "freak out" those who say "get over it".
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| when your love dies
Posted: 6/7/2007 4:54:32 PM | jojo
My husband left me after 34 years of marriage. He didn't die, but it felt worse than a death. That was three years ago for me, and I am still dealing with it. It takes time and healing to get on with your life. Everyone heals at their own rate and don't let anyone tell you differently. One day you will wake up and be a different person. Good luck to you. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 6/7/2007 5:14:00 PM | I am very sorry for your loss and since have had no loss to a spouse I can't imagine worse.
I did however recently against my better judgement get involved with a man who had lost the love of his life . They were together six years. I can only tell you how he made me feel. I don't know if he was not ready for a relationship or if it was just me. But he always talked about his wife. This never bothered me because I knew she would always be a part of him and I understood that. It was only when he actually came out and compared me to her that I didn't care for it I never said anything but it hurt my feelings. I think he knew but it was something he just couldn't help doing. I knew that I could never replace her and never wanted to but noone likes feeling second best at everything. I truly believe when you are ready you can love someone just as deeply but differently if that makes sense you can't look for someone thats similiar or the same. Just remember to communicate with the one that you are getting involved with and let things flow naturally. Someone just might surprise you when your heart is open to the possibilities. Like I told my then friend. If someone loved you like that they would not want to see you go through life alone they really would want you to be happy and find love again. Good luck to you | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 6/7/2007 5:26:54 PM | Heres what I understand.
I believe love is boundless and different for each person. I believe that many partners can fit our criteria for a lover, but its just a matter of who finds who first. You never really stop loving someone but that doesn't mean you can't find someone else who you may love just as strongly, or possibly even more.
Its hard, but you can love again. Just be sure you gave yourself enough time to grieve. Don't ever try to put your future partners in your husbands shoes, they will never live up to those standards. Thus, possibly sabotaging good lovers.
Good luck jojo | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:43:48 AM |
I completely understand. I lost my husband also to cancer almost 16 months ago. He was diagnosed 7/2/05 so I just passed a 2 year anniverary 3 days ago. Anyone who has not been in this place doesn't understand that you don't celebrate but your mind remembers .........
David was my love and my soul mate and there is a place in my heart that no one will ever touch. He made that place and it is his and his alone. I am looking for a man who will be man enough to understand that place but man enough to come in and make a place all his own. You never replace a love but you can love again IF you can find a man who can step up to that challenge.
I know they are men out there like this because you see I was widowed when I met David so I have been in this rodeo before. It doesn't get any easier but if you are blessed to find this man you will never regret it. Don't stop looking because you will stop living yourself. You are here for a purpose and it may be to complete (the man who is looking for you) his life.
Good luck and God Bless. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:18:29 AM | I am very sorry for your loss, I am not going to try and give you advice,I am going to say this you will alway's tressure what you had with your husband,and it's ok to stay in love with him, you have all your memories of a good life together,Do you have children if so spend more time with them, also try joining some groups to meet new people, you now have to rebuild your life,maybe even meet someone for companionship. I wish you the best of luck in your future may god bless you.When you feel sad go to your happy place.Time heals all wounds ,or the very least eases the pain | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:45:13 AM | | wow. heavy forum here. i too have lost several loves in my life but i think the most devestated one was when my oldest son's dad died. even though we were not together at the time a part of me never stopped caring for him and i had always hoped he would get his s**t together but that never happened. i am still very close with his family and i still think about him alot. he died very suddenly of a heart attack bought on by his drug use and it really devestated my oldest so much that he joined border patrol and dea so that he can combat the very drug that killed his dad. take your time dating. we all need time to heal and when you finally do you will make wise choices instead of doing one out of desperation. take a class and learn something you always wanted to try. join some org. that will help you keep busy. remeber an idle mind makes idle hands. good luck and i hope you will find someone who appreciates you for you. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:24:57 PM | Like others here, I too know the pain of losing my spouse. He was my soulmate, my lover, my best friend, my "buddy", and a wonderful daddy, there will be no "replacing" him and rightfully so.
He will always be in my heart. But as I have mentioned before, I can't spend the remainder of my life in grief and sorrow. I know that my late husband would not want me to do so. It's a difficult thing to go on and to meet new people. Anyone who I get to know must understand about my husbands' place in my heart. Upon that being said, it doesn't mean I am looking for someone like him, that will never happen ( and nor do I want to)...of course, I know what a good man is like having been married to a good man ( not a perfect one, but a real good one!)
I am also a very different person now than when I first met my late husband, I have grown up considerably in respect to everything that I have gone thru ( my husband also died of cancer ). When I married my husband I thought I was "complete" as a person, I have learnt now this isn't the case. I now know I do not need a man to complete me, that is my sole responsibility. I am at a very different point in my life and I believe that what man who will become an important part of my life, ( whenever that may be), will accept who I am and all that I have been through. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:57:02 AM | Dear OP
An intelligent man can clearly accept you love yr husband and u can love him. becuase yr husband is no longer in our world...he just remains in yr heart...he will always own a piece of it.
Never compare yr new love ( to be) with your dead husband...they are different and you will love them differently. Each love could be precious and intense and a love for marriage...just at different times in yr life.
My best friend lost her husband of 34 ys to cancer 16 months ago. She adored him and cared for him 2.5 years until he exhaled his last breath. I always tell her...noone will be a good as he was or as perfect as he was...but he could be perfect for her at this stage or time of her life.
I wish you the best and im sure all the blessings coming from yr hubby's good doing will come to you...maybe even a great husband when you are ready.
Jolia | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:51:55 AM | I watched my 1st true love die, she was a drug user, (Coke) we were having a BBQ with friends over. I walked into the bedroom and she was blue & foaming....there was no saving her, I tried..but alas she was dead. The worst part was she had taken some drugs out of one of our party quests purses. She thought it was Coke, but it turned out to be Heroin...she didn't have a chance.
I blame myself, It was my bad influence that caused her death. If I had been more of a human back then, she would be by my side as we speak.
They say it's better to have loved a while than not at all. Whoever wrote that was never truly IN-love. I think about Debbie Every Single Day of my life. I have been married and dated several times since this happened, (1984) and have loved again. But I still think about what could have been, what I could have done to stop it. I will never again love the same way I loved that Gal....but maybe thats just me. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:13:14 PM | I too have lost a spouse to death, we were together for 45 years, married for 41. His death was totally unexpected and very sudden. He fell down a flight of stairs, was taken to the hospital and died 4 days later. He never regained consciousness.
If you do a thread search for widows or widowers you will see lots of posts there. I have read many of them, although they always make me cry they are filled with love, compassion and encouragment. The people here are special. Just reading their stories and advice makes me feel better. Even if it's just finding out how many of us are dealing with this kind of loss.
It has been 15 months since my husband passed and I know that just putting one foot in front of the other is sometimes the toughest thing to do, but to do anything less would be a dishonor to the man I loved and the life we shared. I wouldn't want him to quit if I went first, I cannot believe he would want me to quit either.
It struck me reading these posts that the human capacity for love is infinitely expandable. I realized that after the birth of my 2nd child, there had been room in my heart to love my family growing up, then my husband, our children and grandchildren, members of both our families and many friends. So there must be room left for more love to come into all our lives. The only way to find out is to keep going. I hope you find yours. I too have lost a spouse to death, we were together for 45 years, married for 41. His death was totally unexpected and very sudden. He fell down a flight of stairs, was taken to the hospital and died 4 days later. He never regained consciousness.
If you do a thread search for widows or widowers you will see lots of posts there. I have read many of them, although they always make me cry they are filled with love, compassion and encouragment. The people here are special. Just reading their stories and advice makes me feel better. Even if it's just finding out how many of us are dealing with this kind of loss.
It has been 15 months since my husband passed and I know that just putting one foot in front of the other is sometimes the toughest thing to do, but to do anything less would be a dishonor to the man I loved and the life we shared. I wouldn't want him to quit if I went first, I cannot believe he would want me to quit either.
It struck me reading these posts that the human capacity for love is infinitely expandable. I realized that after the birth of my 2nd child, there had been room in my heart to love my family growing up, then my husband, our children and grandchildren, members of both our families and many friends. So there must be room left for more love to come into all our lives. The only way to find out is to keep going. I hope you find yours. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:46:00 PM | | There is only one piece of advice I can offer to anyone who has had love lost. You must allow yourself to express completely what you feel when you feel it, never deny yourself the ability to express wholey your emotional output so that your healing process is completely you being you . Alot of people suppress angst and the ability to fully allow their grief to surface and it is by giving yourself permission to exercise grief completely that you heal and allow yourself to engage in now and to engage in enriching your story with more love. The most important thing for a new love to understand is that you are the product of knowing how to love from a history of this behaviour, and as long as the communication is mature and honest between the development of a new connection they have some place special and precious in each others hearts to begin from. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:17:07 PM | | You know you will always carry your husband in your heart, if you had a good relationship. Never feel guilty about that ever. The only thing you can do is remember how it was and look for someone that can give you that same happiness again. It will never be quite the same and never look at it as he did this better. Look at it as a new start with a new person, and keep living because you first husband would have wanted it and expected you to keep living. He would not want to to be sad the rest of your life. Everything happens eor a reason, maybe someone will come into your life that you can help because of what you have been though. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:07:21 PM | Four months ago today I held the hand of the love of my life and let him go. He was only 54, and had surgery for heart bypass. Complications caused him to never wake up, be in a coma for ten days, as his brain died from the lack of oxygen during surgical complications. Taking him off life support was not like the doctor told me, nor like on tv. It was horrible, and lasted for 7 1/2 hours before his heart gave up too.
I have been both divorced and widowed. Both hurt, but this is an agony like I could not have imagined. The shock, the things you have to do and decide so quickly, and all the moments you want to believe it is all a nightmare and you will wake up and he will be snoring next to you.
Shawn and I were together 21 months, and married for 7 1/2 of them. Not long, but longer than some people ever get with a true soulmate. I went from screaming at God and hating Him - for not saving my husband as I knew He could have - to thanking God every day for the time we had, and the wonderful changes it made in each of us.
God has a plan. I have to believe that or I could not keep going sometimes.
I know the one thing he would want for me is for me to move on and find someone to love and grow old with. I have a lot of years left - judging by women in my family - and I miss the best friend, lover, playmate, and partner I once had in life.
I will always love Shawn, and miss him. I think any man who dates a woman who has lost a love will accept that person is always going to be a part of her. The only problem I see is in the people who suddenly make the one who has died some kind of perfect person with whom no one could compete. You can't compete with a ghost, especially one that did no wrong. Sorry, but my tall, good looking cowboy also left the toilet seat up, got mad at me, and did a lot of things I did not like either. He was not perfect, but neither am I. He hated to see me sad or crying, so I know this time is really hard for him - assuming he is still with me in spirit at times as it seems he is. I keep feeling he wants me to get thru this fast, and three people have even told me he is sending me someone. It is a whole other story.
The main thing is to be true to yourself, be happy within yourself, and then you can share happiness with others. I have a lot of men who are my friends, but I am clear I don't want to date yet. I am not ready. When I have something to give, and am healed more, perhaps I will be.
Take your time, and do it at your own pace. No one knows how long they have, and life is not a competitive sport - it is a journey with many rough spots and also many interesting roads we go down.
God bless you, and I hope you find your path too, as I am seeking mine. | |
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| when your love dies
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:53:17 AM | Jo,
I lost my wife almost four years ago in a tragic automobile accident........does the pain go away........NO!!! Not now or ever unfortunately. Can we move on....I don't know.........I seem to have trouble myself. But that doesn't mean you cannot! My thoughts and prayers are with you..........I hope you can find some love and peace in you life. I don't know you,but am quite sure we have a common bond. Thanks for being here and letting me vent!
Phil | |
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