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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 6:26:51 PM | I got a good idea put his ass in prison where it needs to be or shove him down the stairs, dont make excuses for him everyone should know what a sick f*** he is. These people will never stop...they need to be locked up and have the key thrown away. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 7:27:51 PM | Hi
I teach child sexual abuse prevention and have been dealing with this for years. Keeping this secret is not good, not for you; your children, or the children that your father may come into contact with. Reality is most victims/survivors do not come forward and there are other possible victims within reach. Please tell your children what they need to know do what you can to keep them safe. As you know this is something that no one "gets over" it is a constant pain, ache, fear etc. I have no problem if you want to email me to just talk please feel free to do so.
Hugs to you and good luck..cheryl | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 8:08:09 PM | Alright, first, thank you to everyone who has actually read and comprehended what I wrote.
For the rest of you, as I stated, my father was in prison so he IS a registered sex offender........he is on the list, his pics are on the computer, I AM NOT HIDING AND PROTECTING HIM! I know how to tell my kids because I said so, I am just tired of that answer and was looking for alternatives.
I am a damn good mother and sick of the little hints on this thread that I am not because I am choosing not to tell my kids.
Every member of my family knows what he did, if every relative alive died no court would give my kids to a convicted sex offender.
If you would like to insult me please read FIRST, if you need help, please get someone to read and explain it to you. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 8:33:11 PM | I certainly hope you didnt take my comments as an insult as I truly mean you or your children 100% good health and a good life, since working in this area I see so much. Although you do things for love and protection at times that is all we can see, and we sometimes do not think of the possibilities that can happen.
So with that I wish you well, and again I meant no to insult only to inform because that is what I do, try and make the world a better place.
Good luck | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 9:09:12 PM | Be honest with the kids. Use a level of language that they will understand. Also, GO TO COUNSELLING! They have ways for you to deal with these types of situations.
I don't understand why you would want to continue a relationship with someone that would hurt a child. But I don't know you or your circumstance. so if you continue seeing him than please, please, please do everything to protect them....
Make it perfectly clear to your father that you will never leave the kids alone with him and he should never offer to help attend to the kids-under NO circumstance. Set boundries with him! Tell him that given his history, if he wants to continue a relationship with you and the children that he will not make you look like the "bad guy" he will abide by your rules and support you. Your children are #1 and they need to be protected. If he doesn't like this .... then bye-bye grandpa. The last thing that you ever want to deal with is your children being hurt by this man. You and your children will never get over it. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 9:24:03 PM | | I don't NEED counseling! I have dealt with this and I am at peace with myself and my life and I have handled this well, have overcome and managed to have a happy life. This isn't about me or about why I choose to keep my father in my life. This isn't about how to protect my kids or why I should. I have taken EVERY MEASURE to protect my kids and there is NO CHANCE he will ever be alone with them. I realize several of you seem to have trouble understanding that, but it is not even a slight possibility. My children are my # 1 priority in everything I do and I have not let them down in this area, as some seem to think. The only thing I have done is refrain from telling them something I think they have no reason to know. I asked for advice and I appreciate any advice, even if it is simply "you should tell them". What I DO NOT appreciate is any implication that I am somehow a bad parent. Also, I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE having people understand what I said the situation is before spouting off advice about acting like a mom or telling them no one should touch them where their bathing suit covers............jeezushchrist people, learn to read!!!! | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 10:21:04 PM | You asked for advise. And although some have sent responses that were not solicited. The bottom line is: you need to tell your kids. I wasn't saying you needed counselling for you dealing with this. I was suggesting counselling for you to learn how to talk to your kids and tell them. A counselor may have a better approach on this.
My comments were not meant to be offensive. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/31/2007 1:26:31 AM | Sweet, ( I just cant bring myself to call a girl 'Fishy')The problem you face is a very difficult one obviously, I understand in what you have said that your Father is in Denial about his part in the process. If he does accept his guilt he should be able to let your kids know in a nice way that he doesn't want to have the kids 'stay over'. At some time you will have to ensure your kids know and understand the problem with your Father. I also think for your own sake that you need to confront your father with what you remember, It is possibly the only way you will get some sort of 'closure' for yourself and go through the self healing that you obviously need. This is what I would advise any patient of mine so do with the advice as you will but dont take this on yourself indefinately, at some stage you will have to be less protective of your kids and you dont want to live the rest of your life in fear of their behavioural patterns. You might be surprised what kids can in fact endure and understand,
Good luck, and keep that good head on your shoulders working.
Paul | |
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Joined: 8/21/2006
Msg: 34 | |
| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/31/2007 9:08:09 PM | | The answer is tell the kids exactly why. More detail as they get older. I told my kids. My kids range from 8 to 18 now. They all know, this way they are aware of why I say no to things and why they should and can say no as well. The older they get the more precautions they can take themselves. You can also discuss precautions with the kids when they know why. This way they do not see you as the bad guy either. I hope this helps. The older the kids get, the less control we have to protect them. | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 4/1/2007 7:33:27 AM | Lotta good advice in this thread -
janedoe: But for your sanity, and the sanity of your children, let it go...there is no trust to be had and there will never be. You must close that door and knowingly moving on with your life having done the "best" you can. The world is not perfect - by far...no one is perfect.
campgurl:
Perhaps it's time to talk to your dad and set your ground rules including his 100% support of whatever you say goes with regards to your kids and him ever being alone with them will not happen period. My heart goes out to you best of luck.
ladii: My advice to you now is to limit contact with grandpa. He's getting older now so maybe this problem will come to an end soon. ... Also, you may want to talk to them about who and what sexual predators look like - how they can be family members and people we trust.
The question that bugs me is - if the kids are asking to stay at grandpa's, it sounds to me like there's been some sort of invitation extended to them from him, either directly or obliquely. I think I'd be tempted to view that as him trying to set up a situation where he could have unfettered access; that, in itself, is close enough to him actually trying to get to them that I think I'd be actively cutting him out permanently.
*Not* judging, and I apologize if it looked that way. I'm just letting my mind wander into a situation that I hadn't ever thought of and I'm typing as I go. | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 4/1/2007 9:03:26 AM |
The question that bugs me is - if the kids are asking to stay at grandpa's, it sounds to me like there's been some sort of invitation extended to them from him, either directly or obliquely.
Nope, not at all. They are kids.....can we go to gramma's, can we go to grandpa's, can we go to the neighbor's.......you know, they like to visit people, they like to do stuff....funny thing is, my kids have NEVER spent the night with anyone. Go figure!!!! LOL
My sanity is fine, thank you. You know, people jump to the conclusion that I am somehow mentally unstable becasue I choose to keep this man in my life. did you ever stop to think that MAYBE I am far more "healed" than those harboring hate and all these feelings they just can't handle. Yeah, it is disturbing to me to be around him, but I handle it just fine!!! So for MY sanity, I will continue being the forgiving but careful person I am.
As for the rest, we have had the talks about sexual predators, we have had the touching talks, we have very open and honest communication here.....blah blah blah........read people read.............
Never answered this I don't think, they see him about once every 2 or 3 months..... | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 9:07:24 AM | Wow - what a predicament - but I have to say I am completely impressed that you have worked so hard to overcome this abuse, and protect your children, and still allow him to have a role as grandpa - that is amazing, and commendable - very few would do that.
As for your kids, keep it age appropriate - for example, just tell them that only mommy and daddy are allowed to take them to the washroom, and even though grandpa is family, nobody else except their doctor is allowed to see their "privates". It might be time for the "talk" about good and bad touches, etc. But to be honest, I would let them know when they are old enough to understand that grandpa is "sick" and is not allowed to be around kids alone. My bigger concern though, is that your father doesn't appear to realize or care that he is not allowed to be around children if he is offering to take them to the bathroom. That is a huge red flag, and one you may wish to really consider. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 9:38:50 AM |
My bigger concern though, is that your father doesn't appear to realize or care that he is not allowed to be around children if he is offering to take them to the bathroom. That is a huge red flag, and one you may wish to really consider.
Yeah, that's kinda where my mind is. His ambivalence toward his own situation, and his refusal to act in a legally prescribed manner (assuming that his sentence included a no contact with children clause of sorts), are kinda worrisome. Another thought; is there any legal harm that sweet_fishy could find herself in for exposing the kids to a known predator, even with the caution she takes to ensure no alone time?
Again, just letting my mind wander, not making any accusations. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 9:43:44 AM | Thank you sweetandreal........
yes, I have considered just how dangerous he is with his lack of guilt and responsibility. He KNOWS I don't allow the kids to go with him, not really sure why he even suggested it. My mother and I both constantly tell him things like "you better not be talking to the kids in your neighborhood, stay away from them", etc. etc........so he knows how we feel. Generally I just tell them no when they ask with the occasional "because grandpa is old" type answer.
Honestly, the man is awfully messed up.....I really wouldn't bee totally surprised to find that he offed himself at some point......so old age may not be his way out either. What I do know is this is not a permanent situation and I just have to be careful while he is here.
Alright dogwood.........call it accusations or not, I do not in any way appreciate the implications of what you jsut said.....yes, you just pissed me off. NO, I cannot face legal action for having my children around him while completely supervised......that is why they (sex offenders) are not allowed unsupervised contact with children......I am considered a competent adult by MOST if not by you...... | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 10:03:14 AM |
Alright dogwood.........call it accusations or not, I do not in any way appreciate the implications of what you jsut said.....yes, you just pissed me off. NO, I cannot face legal action for having my children around him while completely supervised......that is why they (sex offenders) are not allowed unsupervised contact with children......I am considered a competent adult by MOST if not by you......
That wasn't an accusation, it was a bona fide question to which I didn't know the answer and considered it to be germane to the topic at hand. Honestly, I have no reason, desire or need to be sh*tty or mean to you. Quite the opposite, I've been impressed with the little I know of you. I apologize for getting you riled, the question wasn't intended to do that. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 10:19:41 AM | doesn't seem to be any easy anser. THe way I see it, you can either be clear to the kids about the boundaries with some explanation, or stop visits. It's OK to set boundaries with what you say. FOr example, "I know its wierd for you to not be alone with granpa, but I have good reasons for that and when you are older, maybe we can discuss it" YOu are the best judge of what your kids can or can't understand. ALthough,at some point, I think its better to spill the whole truth. Why? BEcause family secrets hurt. They already know something is going on that is unusual, It can feel very confusing and threatening to know, but not know what is happening. AS bad as the truth might be, the fear of not knowing can be bad too. Sometime being very straight forward and practical take off the heaviness. This is what happened, and this is how we have to handle it.
I have had to explain to one of my kids about her dads abuse. Hard for her to understnad how some she loves could hurt another. But to not tell her was worse because everyone else knew, including her sister, and she sensed it all. Slowly we are working through it. I didn't disclose all the details, as she gets older , if the time is right, we can talk more about it. FOr now, that ws the past, and the realtionship we set up with her dad is respectful and safe | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 1:40:16 PM |
That wasn't an accusation, it was a bona fide question to which I didn't know the answer and considered it to be germane to the topic at hand. Honestly, I have no reason, desire or need to be sh*tty or mean to you. Quite the opposite, I've been impressed with the little I know of you. I apologize for getting you riled, the question wasn't intended to do that.
Yes, I realize exactly how you meant it, that was not the point. The point is this, I have been basically accused of being a negligent, uncaring, ignorant, misinformed, low quality parent by some who have read this thread (some was on here, some was sent to me privately). That is just sheer stupidity and I already realize they are just idiots. However, when there is readily obtainable information (check up on laws regarding sex offenders, google can be your friend) one chooses not to read, but to imply I could be stupid enough to do something illegal that could potentially get my children removed from my care, it does not set well with me. I have a few more functioning brain cells than that. There is a reason sex offenders are allowed SUPERVISED VISITATION with children. It is NOT because the courts are so cruel they intend to punish the supervising party. Think about it. And yeah, it was even more offensive coming from someone I had messaged with previously who seemed to realize I wasn't THAT stupid. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 2:14:44 PM | 1. I apologized. Accept it or not, it's up to you.
2. You posted a question that has to be one of the most emotionally charged in these forums. Because of this, it's going to elicit responses that range from ignorant to brilliant. Really, you're gonna have to expect some people to get accusatory, if only to make themselves feel better for being superior to you. While that's typically their issue to deal with, you made it yours by inviting them to comment on your situation.
3. After about the second post or so, you seemed to get combative, almost as if you were looking justify yourself against accusations that weren't entirely there. Kinda like Don Quixote. Honestly, were you really looking for advice, or just looking to vent? (nothing wrong with that at all)
4. I have my hands full keeping up with the laws in my home state, regarding divorce, custody, child support and the like. To imply/infer that I should do exhaustive legal research on the Criminal Code of Arkansas before posting a question is kinda out there, as far as expectations go.
I've enjoyed our conversations and genuinely like our banter. Intelligent discourse is a rarity in the age of soundbytes and instant gratification. But if you're going to hold me to a standard where I'm not allowed to make a mistake and then not let me offer an apology ... well, c'est la vie. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 2:33:29 PM | Wasn't refusing your apology at all.....though I suppose it came across as such. Was actually just trying to explain WHY that comment upset me so much, especially from someone with whom I had enjoyed provious conversation. Yeah, I suppose you shouldn't be expected to know the laws here (but I alos thought supervised visitation was a bit obvious), but I kinda assumed it was obvious I am not the type to just ignorantly expose myself to potential loss of my kids. I suppose no one can know that however.
Yeah, in a way I was looking for suggestions, and as you said, perhaps to vent a bit also. More looking to see if there were others who had experienced similar and see how they handled it.
The accusations WERE there, some thinly veiled to appear slightly less insulting, some sent directly to my inbox by some who are obviously reading the thread....I am not allowed to post their messages here to respond or I would......I get sick of trying to defend myself against idiots who write nasty things then delete every message I return, so yeah, the insults were very real.........
and in response to this
You posted a question that has to be one of the most emotionally charged in these forums. Because of this, it's going to elicit responses that range from ignorant to brilliant. Really, you're gonna have to expect some people to get accusatory, if only to make themselves feel better for being superior to you. While that's typically their issue to deal with, you made it yours by inviting them to comment on your situation.
I already indicated that those weren't that big a deal simply because I already know they are idiots. Howeer, that does not take away my right to defend my position when they choose to act stupid. :)
So, again, the apology was accepted. I simply prefer the opportunity to explain myself and was attempting (and poorly so, it would appear) to do just that. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 2:48:52 PM | Having had no exposure or direct contact with the topic at hand, what's blindingly obvious to you is something I've had no reason to even ponder. So any questions asked are put forth with curiosity, not animosity.
So, we're cool now? | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/1/2007 3:00:19 PM | annika,
like you i would be very cautious of explaining to my child about that. certainly i would have no issue telling him about sexual predators -- but, like you there is someone in our life who has the potential to do that.
my son's uncle was molested as a child and is very prone to repeat that behavior. so far he hasn't -- but, he admits that occasionally the thought enters his mind. to that end he doesn't allow my son to ever be alone with him. not so much that he thinks he'd do anything inappropriate -- but, he just wants to make sure that no scenario presents itself to even allow the possibility.
to that end, i assume by the very fact that you still have a relationship with your father that you find him reasonable (albeit sick). i would think that you could talk to your father and let him know what you are concerned of with your child.
if your father is reasonable he would certainly understand your caution. of course he's going to think that you don't have anything to worry about -- but, remind him of the fact that his mom probably thought there was nothing wrong with leaving him alone with his father.
my gut tells me that your father can bow out of any awkward situations without raising the eyebrows of your kid. at some point you will want to tell your kids; but, only you will know when that point is.
but, when you do get to that point -- i think your father should know that your kids were made aware. because they will look at and treat him differently. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/4/2007 8:37:24 AM | Dear OP...
Just want to say that you are one of the strongest and bravest people I have ever come across and obviously you have the heart of a saint. To have that kind of forgiveness and strength to try to continue to have a relationship with your father has to be difficult beyond words and I am sure that God will bless you for it....
Now down to the issue at hand....
I think maybe it would be best (if you are comfortable) to have a face to face personal conversation with your father. I think you might want to tell him how you feel about him being alone with your children and that you would appreciate him not offering to take them anywhere by himself. I know it might be hard for him to hear, but quite frankly he should be happy that he has ANY contact with is grandchildren. Also, I respect your feeling of not wanting to scare or upset your children, but honestly I believe they should be aware that there is an issue....of course it needs to be approached in an age appropriate way and this might be something you want to discuss with a counselor. Maybe the counselor could give you assistance in the way to explain this to your children and he or she might suggest that you discuss this with them on an individual basis.
God Bless you and your children! | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 4/4/2007 10:04:44 AM | Hi sweet fishy
I read your lines and what others had to say...You have to be a strong person to keep in touch with your father . Is it possible that you are doing this for your children sake than more than yourself?
My advise is to ask your therapist advices.
I wish I could help you, I had tears reading you. I am praying for you and for your family.
That's the best I can do
Take care
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