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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/15/2004 12:04:20 PM | Princess, let me give you another perspective that may drive just a little bit deeper to the truth of this subject.
I believe that it could be that the world that exists with respect to relationships does not mesh well with the natural tendencies of the male gender.
It may just be an excuse to say that men are wired to spread it around while women mate for life but the numbers of husbands who are "married but looking" far out number those of their wives. You yourself identified the males as being the problem gender when it comes to fidelity.
Men therefore find themselves in a society with rules that are contrary to their nature. We do want companionship and a partner but we have to sign on for life to get it. That's something that is not likely to happen but we do so because we have little choice. Women insist on the rules about fidelity because it protects the nest and satisfies their tendency to mate for life. That could be the reason that you must break-up with a guy if you start to have feelings for another. There is only one life mate for you and the old one must not be him.
The alternative to a world where men tend to cheat, is a world where they don't have to promise fidelity. A world in which men don't have to feel like they are limited to one and only one person in their life. Not something that women would allow and since we all know that they hold the power in this world I guess men will go on cheating.
Its like the old saying, you can lead a horse . . . .
I know that this premise doesn't say much about men. That's the reason that I would much rather spend my time with women. | |
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ben76
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Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 27 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/15/2004 9:32:24 PM | To me, someone who breaks up with a mate because they want to be with someone else who's already lined up, is cheating as well. Maybe they didn't have sex before the breakup, but the fact that they had someone lined up is pretty much the same. My ex did that to me, I felt possibly worse that way than I would have if she actually did something while still with me. The thing is that they hang on and pretty much use you until they are sure to make a smooth transition from one bf to another, rather than break up, be single and find someone else. The idea of even just looking for someone else I feel is just as bad as doing something.
I think the people who claim they are just out to make up for something their mates can't provide, I question why it's a secret? Shouldn't their mate be OK with it, since indeed they are somehow defective? Or are they somehow fooling their mate into believing that everything is OK to save their feelings??? And a breakup of a merriage is any easier, knowing that you've been lied to for who knows how long? Having someone spring it on you that 'things aren't working and haven't been working' for years even though you thought they were perfect because they were bsing their way through the whole merriage?
I think it's no better for one than another, but I must say, guys seem to take it out on their wives a lot harder if they get cheated on, as if THEIR feeling were somehow more important, or as if it hurts a guy anymore than a woman... If a guy cheats, most times he expects his wife to not make such a big deal about it. If they are both cheating on eachother, it seems once again, the guy freaks out more than the woman most times, as if his feelings are somehow worth more. It's interesting, seeing that after breakups, it's usually the woman not a man who has a harder time copeing with it if cheated on.
But I guess to most men, a woman is his bitch and thats it, back to the caveman days. A lot of men really seem to be unable to be emmotional, unable to reach the depth of feelings that a woman can. I think men feel showing emmotions is a sign of weakness. And that toughguy attitude I feel is what makes it easier for a guy to cheat than a woman, they simply don't feel whats going on. With a guy, if he confesses, a lot of times he expects not to need to explain or talk about it, like the fact that he told his mate that he did something was enough, and that she should just want to get over it and move on and accept it. If a woman confesses, a man won't let it go, he will do things like call the woman names for a long time afterwards, keep bringing it up no matter how much she has explained herself, and make such a big deal out of it. Like I said I feel it goes back to caveman days, a lot of times I feel even if a man says he loves a woman, she's still his bitch in his mind, even if he's acting like the nicest guy around, she's property and not equal to himself.
(huh, and all this coming from me, a guy... I must say I don't think that way, but it's a common way of guys being...) | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/16/2004 4:23:01 PM | Married and looking, hm, sounds as negative as it is.
But how about "Married, pissed of and forgotten not to look"
already sounds a bit better?
And how about "Tightened down by his wife, but succeeded in getting of with help from a friend" ?
That's a different story, or is it the same?
Before you judge on cheating, try to find the reason behind it.....AND THEN SHOOT THE BASTERD!!!
But still, so many times there are two views.
I know.
Tom Orrow | |
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ben76
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Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 29 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/16/2004 4:57:43 PM | shoot who? the one who cheated or the one they cheated with...
Personally I think the one who cheated is the guilty one, if the person they cheated with wasn't there, they'd just look elsewhere, theres always someone willing to do the deed for whatever the reason is. Sure theres the issue of respecting peoples marriages, but theres also many people out there to be cheating with and sooner or later the one who is thinking of cheating will find what they want, wether it be someone to go and get a divorce over, or a one time thing. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/16/2004 5:42:02 PM | Hallo Ben
Still, there is the question of the responsibility of the person who is cheated.
Ofcourse not of free wil!
But are there issues about a responsibility of both sides to keep the relationship healthy?
I think it gives the cheater still no excuse, but hey, we're all human.
Friendly thoughts
Tom Orrow | |
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Rodz
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Joined: 9/13/2004
Msg: 31 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/16/2004 6:08:57 PM | I truly go with starbuck 1600's view but then again, everyone else seems logically acceptable as well. nevertheless, for all those who seem to have found the Right partner, work hard to nurture the relationship. all seems bright and beautiful in the beginning... how wrong!! it takes a hell lot of effort to actually remain committed unconditionally to one person for the rest of your life. i am sad to say i doubt that can be achieved today.
but that doesnt mean life cannot be enjoyed as it is. personally, i don't think married ppl are actually looking but if it comes along and your hormones override your rational judgement, don't fret too much about it. JUST DON'T GET CAUGHT!!
lastly, i feel a site like this one (which i think has been great so far) actually helps to occupy our free time more than anything else. this way, married ppl like me don't need to be out and looking????????
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ben76
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Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 32 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/16/2004 6:26:13 PM | rodz... once again I hear 'don't get caught'? If theres a prob at home deal with it. You might not realize this but 'not getting caught' take some effort and causes problems in your everyday living, the worry of getting caught, thinking she might actually be on to you now because she said something that seemed like she figured it out, etc, paranoia about it... If she cheated on you, how would you feel?
I think for the most part 'married' is in the profiles not really because there is much agreement with it, but theres also different reasons to be on here, such as just chatting or email, etc. I think some people need a friend to talk to sometimes if there is probs in the merriage, I'm not sure they are all into having an affair. And for those who seem to be married and looking for sex, well there is an 'intimate encounter' selection if thats what your looking for. Seems a lot of people want to broaden their choices of who they can pick from, even if it means trying to get others to do something that they really didn't want to participate in in the first place... | |
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Rodz
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Joined: 9/13/2004
Msg: 33 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/16/2004 6:38:23 PM | ben, thks for your 2 cents.. but i sense some misunderstanding.. anyway to clarify, nope, theres no prob at home mainly due to the fact that I seem to always be at home lately. therefore discovering POF recently has been rather refreshing.
as to how i would feel if wifey cheated on me.. what do you think?? that's why i tend to go with starbuck1600.
as for the intimate encounter selection.. am not too sure what it is but if its some online sex thingy.. it doesnt' quite do it for me.. physically, even worse cuz i am like located oceans and continents apart.
POF has been fun mainly due to being able to talk just about anything with ppl friends or strangers. its a great avenue for passing time.. (especially the forum) i am in the did that and done that category in life until (being truly late) engaging in web forums. thks anyway
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ben76
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Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 34 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/16/2004 8:25:10 PM | | intimate encounter selection is for those who want to go out and have sex in real life not on the net... people would either select email/photo exchange, or 'other' and describe in their profile that they wanted cyber sex if thats what they were after... do a search for people on this site and select 'intimate encounter' and see what comes up. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/16/2004 10:37:18 PM | I may have missed a post or two and hope I am not repeating the same thing someone else has said...
But keep in mind there are a lot of couples out there that are in "OPEN" relationships. For whatever reasons that are thier own and they have made it work for them...more power to them. So of these realtionships are very open about what is going on with the other partner. Some are just I'll look the other way and wont pry if you do the same. Some relationships this happenes because one partner has a high sex drive and the other lacks, or is physically not able to provide for some reason. As long as there is some sort of tacit agreement then its not cheating.
The ones that are looking for something on the side....and do everything within thier power to hide it from their partners.....are cheaters....its dishonest....and cant ruin relationships.
And no I am not in an open relationship...but my ex-wife and I discussed it so I have had time to reflect on the implications before this thread came up. Personally I am a one woman man and would have a hard time fooling around when my heart belonged to someone else. I just thougt I would play the devils advocate for a second. These folks that are in open relationships may have any number of reason for choosing it,
I would think that most of the ones posting under the heading Married but looking probally fit in this catagorey. If they are lying to thier wife, they would probally lie and say they were single dont you think?
Just my ramblings.
MrCorvette_33 | |
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ben76
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Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 36 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/17/2004 12:06:01 AM | I think you missed the point MrCorvette_33, and would suggest reading this and other threads fully, because almost no one has talked about 'open' merriages... Almost every post I've seen about being married around here, is in fact that they are or want to cheat on their mate without their mate knowing, so in other words they want to hide it...
I don't have a problem with people who have 'open' merriages, because everyone involved agrees, theres also swingers who are similar to this idea. However, I find a lot of times even in the case of 'open merriages', or inviting someone into the relationship for nights of threesoms, is that sometimes one partner (usually the male) kind of strongarms the female into it, making her feel that she has no choice but to go along with it...
I've always been of the attitude that one should be able to do anything they want with their lives, as long as it doesn't affect others in a negative way. To go and cheat on your mate may be all fine and dandy for the one doing it, but it's not what the other partner wants.
I think everyone entering into a merriage is a one-on-one type of person, why else would you get married? Howcome theres something in the laws of divorce that deals with infidelity, if cheating is OK? Cheating is a selfish act, and most times those doing it aren't very happy about their mate finding out/ leaving them. Why would someone care if your mate left them after finding, seeing that hey, they could just find 100 other females to be screwing anyways? Is there something about having someone at home when you need them? How is a cheater deserving of having that poor loyal person sitting at home waiting for them while they go off screwing someone else? Not only that, but after years of being married, the poor person has to go search for a new mate after the divorce, or put up with your sorry ass and 'believe' that you'd actually somehow not be doing it again and find it in them to forgive you... Meanwhile all along doubt has been placed in the mind of the person who was cheated, and that person may be unable to trust not only the one who cheated but also others people as well, because of what has been done. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/17/2004 6:07:56 AM | I am new here but read your post princess,
about your question on married men and woman cheating. we all been around the block a couple of times as of my 41st birthday I learned to seperate sex/feelings and what we where taught by social standards. we do as we are told and alot has to do with that `bible`. I find most men and woman who do cheat force themselves to stay in a marriage due to their believes child support alamony aso. I myself can not judge an indivitual for his doings and actions, instead I try to feel their feelings without braking my head over someone elses life.
my ex cheated as well, today (11 years later) I understand him full circle. woman need to choose between , turning their head the other way and enjoying their financial gain or leave and live on their own paycheck lol. woman are tought to change while growing up.
having the same rights as men does come with a packet of hardship and better jobs..jet our instinct is still that of a mother, lover and a bitch lol.
men never changed their instinct has not been redirected by their parent. men still fight for land they still fight and loose their lifes over protecting their first born.
men always cheated and so did woman. its just that once you get older you relize that there is a whole other side of marriage and relationships.
welcome to the real world princess | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/17/2004 3:42:01 PM | | I have never cheated on any partner I have had... I have been cheated on a couple of times it sucks... If I wanted to be with another I would just tell my partner what I wanted to do. Never had to though... I am a one woman man, like to focus my energy know.. sorry about getting burned hope you find some one cool and works out.... :) | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/17/2004 3:44:54 PM | | oh another thing I herd from Dr. Dennis Prager was that men cheat becuase of will power not to and oprotunity to get it about 50/50 on each. If a man had no will but no oprotunity he couldn't get any and if he had mostly will and mostly oprotunity it might happen... also he said that 90%+ of wifes that cheat it is becuase they believe their husban is cheating. | |
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ben76
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Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 40 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/18/2004 7:49:34 PM | swtnsxxyj, well it's hard to give someone their opinion on wether to stay or not, a lot of people around here would probably say you should have ditched the guy after the 1st time he cheated, let alone believe every time he has done is and question if you want to put up with it again... Theres no clear line on who cares to be putting up with it and going through all the heartbreak time and time again. There is something to think about though, that the more you believe that he won't do it again, the more of a chance he feels he has to be forgiven again in the future, which might make it an easier descsion for him to cheat again next time around. It usually takes big effort to leave someone you spent years with, but at some point you have to also realize that it looks like things just aren't changing. I would say the best chance you have if you want to end it, is just END IT. Don't bother to talk to him again, tell him why your leaving and thats it. Don't find reasons to stick around because it would just be easier compared to just up and leaving. The more you bother with him on your way out the door the more power, control, and chance he has to win you back.
Being alone after you leave may feel hard if you have been with someone for years, find FRIENDS to occupy your time, keep busy, and don't rush into a new relationship, you need time to turn over a new leaf. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/19/2004 2:00:32 AM | Ben,
Thank you so much for your straight-forward and kind advice and for taking the time to give it. Everything in me says that's exactly what I have to do, for my sake, my sanity and my children's sake. I feel like a fool even sharing the situation I am in cuz I always said....." I would never tolerate being cheated on or made to feel less by an act such as that", yet here I am. It's not that I am scared to be alone, not really. It's just that I had a few crushes before my marriage....then rushed to marry a "really nice" guy, one that I still think the world of as a person, but never truly was "in love" with, great marriage, as best friends and three wonderful children. Then as that fell apart, due to me not feeling all I should as a wife, knowing it was unfair to him even moreso than myself, we divorced and....I met the man I really am in love with......and it's that feeling, that makes me so scared to not have him in my life. It just hurts so much to love someone so completely and know that he does love me........but not enough to give me all of him. Sorry to ramble on ......but thank you, Ben. You not only give truly insightful advice, but know exactly how to convey it. Take care, ~J | |
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yna6
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Joined: 5/2/2004
Msg: 42 | |
| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/19/2004 7:59:53 PM | | Hey...some guys get the "You aren't getting any!" treatment from the wives....so instead of the begging, pleading and 3 days of foreplay, they just get it elsewheres easier. Almost as if she brought it down on her own head, so to speak. Course, then again, I've been the guy in that senario, and instead, stuck with my morals...and wound up impotent for almost a year...evil person I was with....sheesh...talk about "controlling"...anyways...I learned, and have never regreted my decision to never allow any woman that kind of control over me again. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/19/2004 9:09:06 PM | | I live in Ky. and it seem`s to be the norm to cheat.That is why i came to this site in hopes of a commited lady,i have only met a few and they were married.I felt hurt and just went on my way.I just can not cheat on my mate,was raised better than that.A person who cheats is broke and in need of help.Serious help. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/19/2004 9:37:59 PM | | This is a GOOD QUESTION ! I believe that marriage is formost the friendship & Love between a husband and wife. This a mutually consentual HUMAN arrangement blessed by the creator. Without mutual consent there is NO marriage. There are a host of man-made-up rules arising out of tribe, city, state, and empire, but they do not attain to the intimacy of mutually consentual HUMAN arrangement blessed by the creator. True, man-made-up rules may have legalistic merit as rules of law ESPECIALLY for CONTROLLERS desirous of manipulating others...SIN however in matters such as these strike only at the mind/body/soul of those involved AND that is a disgrace to any PEOPLE. No one may change another. An individual may change himself. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/19/2004 9:55:36 PM | | One more thought. We see many examples of females with male chacteristics and males with female characterics resulting from the highly inbred human condition. Formerly, such babies were killed at birth as the Greeks of Plato and Socrates era did. Modern surgical medical advances have now made it possible for surgical psuedo-gender normalization. In CONUS we still have a living adult population of males born with breasts for example, that may have endured childhood pyschiatric electroshock therapy, and subsequent genital surgical gender transformation. When these shemales marry what is the nature of the marriage ? Marriage can be a very complex issue when one does not resolve it as the Greeks. I do not advocate a Greek resolution, but marriage is far more complex than laws. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/20/2004 12:30:47 PM | | passing thought.My parents have been married for 51 years.My father never wanted to or ever attempted to cheat.He always told me never tempt yourself never place your self in the position to do Anything that may be conceived as wrong.To this day he will not be alone with a woman or enter a womans house if she is there alone.In short if you love you will always put her before yourself.Never hurt the one you love. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/20/2004 4:12:35 PM | I am not married. I am i a committed relationship of three years. Actually, our relationship is in the crapper, which is not the intended topic of my reply. For the length of our relationship, my girlfriend and I routinely had sex with other partners. We had some ground rules though: We had to tell one another when, where and with whom we were going to be engaging in sex, we had to be safe, and we were not allowed to bring partners into OUR home.
That said, what we had was consensual and relatively indiscriminate sex with others. I know what you are thinking: All that sex has corrupted our relationship, and has probably contributed to our eventual demise. Not true. We have grown on divergent paths, professionally and geophysically. I love her very much and she me...and will always be true.
The point is this...married, attached or whatever, folks need to talk their partners, and lay the groundwork for long-term happiness. If that includes sex with others, so be it. Sneaking around and hurting people you supposesdly love is a shitty thing to do, and you should rot in hell. | |
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| Re: Married and looking???????????
Posted: 9/20/2004 7:35:46 PM | Reading these posts, I could almost predict the age of the poster...
IMHO, it always takes 2 to tango and the difficult fact is that married people often grow apart. The alternatives of leaving or living a lonely life both suck. When there are kids involved they get worse. There is much more to a marriage than "love" for both parties.
I am amazed at the things people will totally ignore and then come down hard on others. Married but looking may not be for everyone, but it is for some. Sometimes it is the least of the evils and a solution to a lonely life. Why would people condem simple human contact and tenderness?
In regards to people lying that they are married - is that any differnet than lying about their weight or financial situation? Just because a situation doen not match your ideals, does not mean that it is not the best that they can do.... | |
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| don't think it is you
Posted: 9/24/2005 10:31:37 AM | | Listen i will be straight to the point im married and look. I think most men do. Most men that i work with and i work with 1000 in a factory say the same thing. Wifes don't put out enough if at all. My wife gives it to me 1 a month if im lucky. Would i get married again no way would i keep 1 girl no way Ill gat as amny and as often as i can. The problem is once your married and have finacial and parental responabilities its not that easy to walk away. Also you could be like me I still love my wife very much and my whole life except I would like to have sex. Is that alot to ask. Your ex was right I don't love the other girl I just want to get off. Sex and love are 2 different things. If you need any other tidbits on men let me know. I got alot more . | |
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nergal
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Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 50 | |
| don't think it is you
Posted: 9/24/2005 10:40:23 AM | | The problem is the married thing, if you aint happy get out. Divorce is freely availalble. | |
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