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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/9/2007 10:21:14 AM | | ^^^^ I agree, if the tables were turned I think you would want to know. My ex cheated, I had my own way of finding out, know one told me about it. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/9/2007 12:25:16 PM | Point blank.. You don't mess around with married men - even if he pursues it. You don't have to be a slim ball just because he is. Do you really think in the end he is gonna leave his wife to run off with you? And would you want him to - if he messed around on his wife he will surely do so on you.. your not that special. Not to mention she will surely make him pay.. so your married butt head of a boy friend will have very little money left in his pocket to spend on you.
Most woman know if their spouse cheats.. they see signs that they either choose to ignore or they catch him and divorce him and take him for every thing they can get (justly so). The rest are blissfully naive or stupid (works for some).
So if your gonna play with someone else's spouse.. keep your trap shut. Not your place to talk to his wife and crate major drama in her and her kids life. Don't tell your friends - cause they will no longer have any respect for you. Your close girl friends wont trust you around their men (keep your enemy close to keep an eye on her). Guess what? You want the Scarlett letter pasted to your shirt.. then you get what comes with it... loneliness.. ostracation.. and always being second best. Your just a piece of ass baby.. no more.. no less.
Sorry to be so blunt.. but it is my view on it and this is a forum.  | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/9/2007 12:49:00 PM | IMO it is wrong to even go near someone elses man.... if you knew he was married and had a wife at home, how could you? why would you? is what comes to my mind. How could he and if he was so unhappy being with his wife she deserves the respect for him to be straight and tell her.
Its always the poor unsuspecting partner that gets hurt the most for doing nothing wrong in the 1st place.
It is just so wrong on both counts...yours and his. The truth always hurts but I for one would rather have honesty than be hurt like that.
Sorry but I have strong values on this one, | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/9/2007 1:08:27 PM | I too have strong opinions about this thread topic.
I was a 'deluded' wife. I was married to the love of my life, in it for ever and always. I was so deeply in love that I believed what ever my cheating husband said. I truely never even suspected what he was doing because I trusted him more than God. I had opportunities to cheat on him too, but it was just so unbelievable that I would do it! Why would I ever want any other man when I already was married to perfection? He knew that's how I felt too, and anybody who met us, even after 24 yrs of marriage thought we were on our honeymoon, because we were so much in love. At least I was. The woman who finally wrecked my happy home made heself my friend first so that she would have an excuse for being in my home, near my husband. It was all so low and depraved. She deliberately set out to ruin my happy life.
IMO, any woman(or man) who would break up a marriage is scum lower than a snake's belly. I don't have words dirty enough to express what they are. I wish them all a long and painfull death, I wish it would take many years to happen and in that time they might suffer, every day, the agony I was subjected to by one such low life.
I've never before experienced such pain and soul killing torture, and to think it came to me at the hands of the man I so loved, and a woman who was also my friend. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/9/2007 1:25:32 PM | Well I must say that this is a revealing and thought provoking thread. Revealing in that the OP is so willing to open herself up and label herself as a home wrecking tramp and do it with such pride.
Op.... you state that it was the best of the best......how sad for you. The best you ever had was somebody else's husband. The closest relationship of your life was with a man who pledged honesty and fidelity to another woman.
You refer to yourself as a lady, well I havent read the entire thread as I don't need to see anyone else's opinion to form my own, but a lady is not even close to any of the words that so quickly come to mind. To walk away from an affair as a lady... can't be done. To do that one would have to be a lady in the first place.
To condone your own shameless conduct by saying it happens everyday is inexcusable. It happens every day because people just like yourself choose to disgrace the sanctity of marriage and deny respect for themselves and others. No marriage is perfect but if one spouse is unhappy to the extent of going outside the confines of that union for sex and/or whatever else... then grow some parts and end the marriage. It is dead in the water anyway.
The cheating spouse does carry the brunt of the blame for looking, but any person who knowingly enters into a sexual relationship with a married person is less than scum.(IMHO)
We are all responsible for the choices we make. To say that we don't know what it's like to be faced with that decision is ludicrous. Many of us have been faced with it and will be faced with it again. We simple made a different choice. The cheating spouse isn't the only one who has to live with their choices, however, being delusional may help anyone else involved in denying their share of responsibility. To say" if not you, then someone else".. fine, just respect yourself enough to say "find that someone else."
RESPECT YOURSELF.
RESPECT OTHERS.
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS.
As for the question of telling the wife.....she already knows her husband is a skunk. If you want her to know that you are low-life trash as well......then tell whoever you need to tell. Just don't brag about it. It is certainly not an attractive quality
Self respect that crumbles so easily when hormones holler, could use some close examination.
In response to the very last comment..
"(A person doesn't go out and consciously say, "I'm looking for a married partner". Think about it. )"
The reality is that some do seek just that. They are even lower than low. I am personally acquainted with some who seek only married sex partners because it is about sex not relationships and a married partner makes few demand. This is the epitomy of selfish, base , immoral human behavior. Moral fiber is what separates us from the animals. That along with a conscience seems to be lacking here.
Again to the OP. ....If you took some heat here in this thread.. you should have expected it . I am sure that you did garner yourself some attention as well, as "water seeks it's own level" and you sent out the word on how shallow the pond is where you swim.
w55 | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/9/2007 2:02:29 PM | so the wife can know what a scumbag a**hole shes married to, and get the heck out. i would want someone to tell me.
and a woman who would even date a married man has no self respect, or respect for others, and in my opinion, will never be able to have a healthy relationship with any man ever again.
do u have such low self worth you cant get your own man? u need someone elses? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/9/2007 2:53:29 PM | Well Well Welll..... THE JOKE IS ON US.. the OP did indeed cut and run.... but it does seem that the majority have a sense of moral outrage at her conduct and personally... I am impressed to see that.
Her conduct was so appalling to many of us that we felt a need to examine our own beliefs and feelings on the issue. That response is in and of itself a good thing. So, in hindsite, perhaps we owe her thanks. Had she not offended our sensabilities in such a manner , we may never have truely sought out our own feelings on the issue and certainly would not have given them voice. Congratulations to all who took stock and stood against what may be an ever increasing lack of moral fiber .
In a cheating situation, no one person is to blame. All parties must share blame as we all must be responsible for our own actions and the effect that our choices have on others . Moral weakness is not a desireable charcater quality. At least not to me. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/11/2007 1:12:11 PM | 2furbabies:-
Rubbish rubbish rubbish.
If you meet up with a married person whatever their intent on nonintent it is cheating and the other person - the third person - has the right to know that their patner is a cheating git.
How they deal with it - well that is their business, but the person does have the right to make their own choice | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/13/2007 1:09:28 PM | Cos today at work - one of the women is devestated.
The silly man put his pic up and even had the gall to date her next door neighbour who told the wife.
Thats why the wife needs to know, she is shattered, the kids are angry, it is a right mess all round.
what I would like to know is, why not tell the wife ?? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/13/2007 4:24:13 PM | | I just got out of a relationship with a married man. I found it unfufilling and empty. It also made me feel foolish and unable to move on with him emotionally. This man was depressed had emotional problems was delusional with his head in a fantasy world of what ifs. He gave me a timeline of 18-24 months before he would get out of his marriage. I did not have sex with him. I could not respect him and had more respect for his wife for not having sex with him. I figured she knew what he was doing and should take a tip from her. He had obviously tried this in the past with some of his comments about why people over the internet had showed up to his house. He had been married 17 years, I figured he had to ride out the aspect of support payments. Hence the 18-24 months that would put any offspring around the 18 mark i figure with that timeline. This was in part due to the fact that he had got himself into finacial hot water and any support she might get would be eaten up by his living expenses outside of the marriage. He said there was no children and repeated it several times. I think making me try to believe ther was none. He gave me several presents I was reluctant to take them but he said he had already bought them before i found out he was married and wanted me to have them. It made me feel cheap, and used. I felt I was using him by not telling his wife and continuing the affair in an attempt to make him happy and be the person she was not for him. I can not compete with this woman and refuse to. Married man syndrome " promise the world only if you behave till I get out", then the world never comes. I did not feel relaxed around this man or any peace in fact I got sick physically over the situation. The old saying holds true "You make me sick". | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/13/2007 9:07:54 PM | It was the closest relationship that I've had in my entire life. It was the "best" of the best. I experienced a certain quality of intimacy with him that I will never encounter again in my life; this I know. It was absolutely beautiful in all aspects of love and sex. I chose to move on in my life. I decided I wanted more for myself.
Give yourself some more credit here please... it was the best thing you have had in your life? yeah right.. because you have never had anything else, especially a relationship that is healthy.. so dont try to justify it as being okay. Your just as much to blame as he is.. and yes you also have to live with yourself after what you BOTH did together.
Women have the desire to ruin a man's marriage because they want to either get even with them or to prove that they had the last say?
Prove they had the last say in what??? Not being the one he really wants to be with, but just be with sometimes... and this is why they are angery yes.. because they want the man for themselves and obviously he doesnt want the same, so why not tell the wife.. the marriage was ruined from the moment he decided he wanted to be unfaithful. He shouldnt have gotten married in the first place.
The wife is innocent. You hold your head up and walk away like a lady.
Exactly... the wife is innocent so she deserves some respect, consideration and something better.... A real Lady would realize this and wouldnt do something like this in the first place.. I think the term better referred to is "Whores" or "Mistress" and dont think the man doesnt secrectly joke to his buddies about it....
I will survive this "bump in the road" yes because your not the one who has been cheated on... the wife however will not survive the so called "bump" so gracefully.
Hurt can cause us pain; but, it's through the pain that we grow and learn.
There are other ways in life to learn things than just through pain and hurt, seems as though you are so used to being used/abused and taken advantage of this has become your opinion of what life should be like not only for yourself but for others as well..
Most often times than not.... anger; jealousy; and resentment are all based on our fears of rejection and being alone. This all goes back to learning to love ourselves.
Anger, jealousy, resentment, are not always caused by fears, rejection and being alone. There are many different sides to all of them.. and alot of people experience a few of them which is why they think they are similar and get them confused.... and like I said before your so used to seeing them or feeling them that you think they always go together and are caused by one another, but that is just your way of thinking to make yourself feel better about one problem, when in reality it is more than just one.
Learning to love yourself ??? Loving yourself is wanting good things for yourself, and learning to deal with and change our faults not trying to accept them. You cant expect someone else to love you if you can't even love yourself... or dont even know what real love is....
The fact is affairs happen daily. Regardless of whether you say you wouldn't have an affair with a married person. You don't know. You may meet that one man or woman that takes your breath away; your defenses and beliefs crumble. You become attracted; attached; before you realize it, you fall in love. Please don't be so judgmental. You don't know unless you've experienced it. And, please don't say dating a married person is off limits....
just because everyone else is doing it doesnt make it right.. Yes I do know I would NEVER have an affair with a married man even if he did take my breath away, and my defenses and beliefs would not crumble.. I might be attracted, but my attraction to something doesnt blind my values and good judgement... Dating a married person is off limits because they took vows to be with the one and only for the rest of their lives. And If I did find out a man I had been with had a wife or girlfriend, I would not continue seeing him, and would want his wife to know... why? because I would want to know in that position!
Again, you don't know until you've experienced that connection. A person doesn't go out and consciously say, "I'm looking for a married partner". Think about it.
What connection are you talking about exactly? A physical connection? Because that is as far as it will go until the man gets a divorce.. afterall they could have been together building a stronger connection.....before marriage for years and years..... and this with you could have just been a couple month or year thing and in that amount of time you never really know a person..... the man will tell you anything he can to make you vulnerable, easy to take advantage of and until your willing to do so... he infact is looking for someone inparticular that would go for a married partner.. think about that! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/13/2007 10:01:48 PM | Good Grief!
It is a total waste of your time and life. Find someone unattached that has some possibilities for a HEALTHY relationship.
All your ranting about being mature and walking away. Phewy! You are too stupid to even understand what is going on.
Why would you ever consider dating a married man? Women do this all the time--thinking that it is so great because the sex was good. He makes you feel good and can get very close without fear because he has a pre-made excuse to break things off. That same man if he was single would be much more cautious about getting to know you, or not even want to know you. Think about that and date single men.
Why don't you just wear a "kick me, use me" sign on your back. | |
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phyn3
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Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 315 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/14/2007 1:35:55 AM | "I experienced a certain quality of intimacy with him that I will never encounter again in my life"
It's unbecoming of a "lady" to play the martyr.
"If you have any "true" sense about men, it's very evident that a man is married"
"A person doesn't go out and consciously say, "I'm looking for a married partner". Think about it. "
hmmm....thiiinking. OP is not very conscious of herself.
"It's not for "us" to charge him with penalties. He will be charged in his own time; in his own way. "
Oh, here we go...OP been cleansed/healed/redeemed. The wife is innocent, and now the OP is as well, self-proclaimed, here in a public forum. OP chose to "walk away" so he is the "sinner" now that will be punished...blahbeddyblahblahblah. What's evident is that OP doesn't walk her spiritual talk. How convenient for her that some "mysterious" Life Rock will come down on him and crush him! She can just "walk away" - but he will HAVE TO PAY. Sorry - gotta take the man's side on this one. Her "Spidey" sense was probably telling her that he was about to dump her.
"Hurt can cause us pain; but, it's through the pain that we grow and learn. It can work to our advantage if we see the positive side of our struggles and not focus on what's hurting in the moment. Each ending has a new beginning. "
That's beautifully fluffy. And very self-serving. Spare us the newly uncovered wisdom.
I think OP presented a nice, pretty little package and posted it here to validate herself, and get others to do it, too. How very honorable of her to stand up for the innocent (her word for 'dim-wit'??) wife. I think OP was afraid someone would tell the wife about her, so she bolted. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:50:59 PM | it would almost be funny, when seeing dishonest people claiming a moral highroad, if it were not truely just tragic. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/5/2007 7:26:58 AM | having with with a married man is really cool,just remeber no commitment girls........and if they want do what u say hell just tell on them or just blackmail the hell out of ..men do it all the time........    | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:48:17 AM | Wow i just read the first couple pages , I dont agree with that its ok because of those statistics. But wow ... I mean iv'e always been open to the idea of getting married some day, after reading that maybe not so much
thats terrible , we are all full of crap | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/5/2007 9:52:13 AM | You know he's married...and you play anyway...
When someone does that with someone you really love behind your back, and knows you're there, and retains the same "Oh well...business as usual" attitude you have...you'll just shrug it off...right?
Yeah...right....more like..."Warm the guns...this one's goin' DOWN!" | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/5/2007 9:58:15 AM | | Why do I get the feeling that you are a married man club trying to convince mistresses not to rat you out? Good try - but the slickness gave you away. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/5/2007 2:53:09 PM | Getting to the original question, one reason an OW would tell the spouse, is to brag. The "I've got your man" deal. That's what my father's OW did to my mother. I won't go into all the details, but after my father left my mother for his OW, she would call my mother and tell her how she was my father's girlfriend, how great in bed he was, how he wanted a divorce so that he could marry her ETC. So her purpose obviously was to hurt my mother.
And to all the "freethinkers", if thinking that my father and his friend are trash make me self-rightous, I welcome the term. I wear it like a badge of honor. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/5/2007 4:57:52 PM | Please read this post in the context it is intended. Not as a personal attack. I'm trying to understand your reasoning, as well as interject my experiences.
Having an affair or dating a married man? Why tell the wife?
Because it becomes about your wants and needs.
I wanted to post my own feelings on this solely because I don't understand why women/a woman would even consider telling a man's wife, if you're that woman he dated and/or had an affair with. Even if he's lied to you.... let it go....
Keep in mind, you're getting the same treatment that, that persons spouse is getting.
I was seeing a married man. I had an affair with him. It was the closest relationship that I've had in my entire life. It was the "best" of the best. I experienced a certain quality of intimacy with him that I will never encounter again in my life; this I know. It was absolutely beautiful in all aspects of love and sex. I chose to move on in my life. I decided I wanted more for myself. There are those out there that say, "That's horrible! How can you sleep with a married man?" This man is sensual; he is loving. He "is" a wonderful man. Yes, he cheated on his marriage; that's something that he has to live with. I will always cherish him and what we shared; and, no one will make me feel guilty for doing so.
I'm sure it was exciting & thrilling. Because it goes against the "norm" and is taboo. Keep in mind, that he is "wonderful" in your mind. But, I'm sure he isn't so "wonderful" in his spouses mind or probably children's. You see, he isn't cheating on his marriage. He is cheating on the PEOPLE that should be the most important PEOPLE in his life.
What I don't understand is why some of these women insist on running to the wife!
Probably, because they want to have that person for themselves.
Women have the desire to ruin a man's marriage because they want to either get even with them or to prove that they had the last say? Think twice about why you want to tell his wife. You may sabotage yourself into thinking you're getting some sort of satisfaction in an attempt to ruin his/their life. What you've actually accomplished is humiliating yourself. You haven't actually "boosted" your self-esteem. It just bottomed out!
What you don't see, is that the BOTH of you are responsible is ruining the marriage. He made that decision when he decided to cheat. You made that decision when YOU knowingly pursued a relationship with that person.
What you also don't realize is the humiliation that you have placed on yourself (with the exception of not knowing that he was married.) The words, "Homewrecker," "Tramp," "SL&T" (ya, censored) come to mind.
My question would be, "What is your level of maturity and or self-esteem?" Do you believe that you deserve a cheat? Do you believe that YOU deserve someone that is capable if destroying the ones that they should claim to hold dearly in their life?
My opinion? It takes a better woman to walk away.
We agree to some extent. It takes a better woman to walk away, once they have the knowledge that this person is currently married. Actions speak louder then words.
My question to you would be, "What makes you believe that this person won't cheat on you?"
Ending this relationship was very hard on me. Yet, I know I've survived life's struggles to this day. I will survive this "bump in the road". Hurt can cause us pain; but, it's through the pain that we grow and learn. It can work to our advantage if we see the positive side of our struggles and not focus on what's hurting in the moment. Each ending has a new beginning.
What was the lesson that you learned?
The next time you think about trying to "get even" with a married man or just a loved one in general for causing you hurt, please think about what your actions will cause and how you will feel as a result of those actions. We just need to learn how to stand tall in the face of fear. Most often times than not.... anger; jealousy; and resentment are all based on our fears of rejection and being alone. This all goes back to learning to love ourselves.
I hope the lesson you learned wasn't in the previous paragraph. You totally missed the target. Trust is the foundation of any relationship.
How can you trust a person that has broken the highest promise that any one person can make to another?
The fact is affairs happen daily. Regardless of whether you say you wouldn't have an affair with a married person.
Your correct. But, once you find out that this person is indeed married. Your actions after that speaks to your character. At that point, you should know what his character is.
At that moment, especially if this person has children. Do you realize that he has not only betrayed his spouse, but he has also betrayed his children.
Cheating is a very selfish act. It is all about "me," "my feelings," and "my emotions." Without consideration for the feelings and emotions of the family.
You don't know. You may meet that one man or woman that takes your breath away; your defenses and beliefs crumble. You become attracted; attached; before you realize it, you fall in love.
There are many people in the world. To some you are correct. But, I can speak for myself. I will never EVER be attracted, attached to someone who is currently married and wants to persue a relationship with another person. Get a divorce, then move on.
You don't know unless you've experienced it.
I have experienced it. There was a woman that I was attracted to. We talked for hours. We got to know each other. But, I will say. I never did anything sexual with her. I never did anything but kiss her romantically one time. With that one simple act. I realized that what I was doing was wrong. What I was doing was horrible. I was very young at the time. Certainly, much younger then I' am now. I've grown and matured. I would certainly never play that game again. That is the lesson I learned.
please don't say dating a married person is off limits....
Your right, I should not be saying it. It should be something that YOU say.
Again, you don't know until you've experienced that connection.
I have. I can say that, "doing the right thing" is the higher calling. Putting what is right above yourself. Above your "needs" and "wants."
A person doesn't go out and consciously say, "I'm looking for a married partner". Think about it.
Oh, yes they do. It happens everyday. My soon-to-be-ex wife is currently in a relationship with a married man. She is so blinded by her own needs and wants that she doesn't understand why I don't want any type of relationship with her. She also doesn't understand why our son wants no part in her relationship. In her mind, "It's about HER wants and needs." Without consideration for anyone else, not even her son. Since, she is his mother. She is in part a roll model for what he may become.
I have NO tolerance for cheaters. I expect better from myself and I expect better from someone that I've given my heart to.
"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting that they never will."
With that statement. Can you answer these questions?
How can you trust that this person will never destroy you? They have done it before.
What makes you believe that you are so special that they will never do the same thing to you?
When you look yourself in the mirror, what makes you believe that YOU will be true to this person?
Food for thought~
Exactly. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/5/2007 5:11:05 PM | | I have never understood why people would mess around with someone that's married. If they are being unfaithfull to their spouse to be with you, what makes you think they are not going to be unfaithfull to you if you end up married to this person? | |
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