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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/6/2007 4:48:04 PM | Great! rednkgirl! Ditto for me!
I don't doubt what the OP was feeling for and about the guy she had the affair with. I believe her emphatically on that. But, the way in which she so indignently rationalized her behaviors...(and his)...., ending with the lop-sided conclusion that a 'real woman walks away in silent dignity'....(or something to that effect), was enough to make all of us who personally Know of the terrible sting of deception and betrayal....Gag!
The point here is simply: The real choice in these matters is whether to have the affair or not. The choice of whether to tell about it afterwards is just some kind of personal spin people put on the whole mess depending on which way best suits their cheating needs. The OP made a good try at it... I will give her that, but in the end..... there is no justification for deception and betrayal...and the resultant destructruction and unfathomable pain that this causes...NONE!!
And..... be especially fearful of those cheating spouses who blame it on the other!!! If you are looking for perhaps the number one indicator of a bad choice in partners.... this just might be it!! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/8/2007 11:27:45 AM | Hello Anyoneoutthier,
I thought I would make a comment on your quote:
<div class="quote"> I cant imagen the pain and hurt cheating does
Yes sir, it is something I would not wish on an enemy. For you see, I am coming out of a marriage; where the s/o thought the grass was greener on the other side...
Not only did she brake my heart (We were married for 22 years with 3 children), even though the children were up in age, my youngest being 19, it has deeply affected the whole family. It destroyed our family unit. My son, may have trouble ever trusting a women after what he seen her do to...That's probably the worst of it. This happened 3 years ago. For I have been divorced for a year now. And am just now ready to entertain the possibility of meeting another lady. I waited for 2 years seperated to see if she would have a change of heart...She didn't...But, my daughters really got on her about the fact that while I was stuck at home in a loveless marriage on her part she was out seperated dating who ever she pleased...So she finally divorced me and set me free a year ago.
Why, because I do not believe in divorce...and I stuck it out without dating until the divorce was final and faith in the word said I was now free. Almost 3 years. I have yet to date, but I needed the time to get over the betrayal. Yes, my friend the pain dang near drove to me suicide. It just took out (all the air in my sails)all my will to live. However, the Lord used my children to keep me alive. Because, I could not subject them to anymore pain then they already were experiencing, heck they were innocent, and they did not deserve it.
But, some people selfishness knows no end.
The ironic thing about it was she "fell in love (lust)" with another married man with family. Well, I guess she left me to prove to him her love for him...Well, guess what...He wasn't leaving his family...While I do not have any respect for either one of them...At least he didn't betray his family for he is the sole provider...He is a Mexican immigrant living in the U.S. sending his money back home.
Like I said, some peoples selfisness is more important to them no matter how many people they hurt in the process.
Looking back on it now, and at the present. I would rather be on the receiving end of the betrayal then the serving. I just do not want to be that calloussed of heart, and being deluded into thinking that my actions were clean. MAN THAT IS LOST!
To this day the ex is justifying herself and has not even as much as apologized to the children or me. Like I said, I would not want to be in her shoes, with no conscience, with a hardened heart; the lack of respect of her children, that will be there for a lifetime.
Don't get me wrong, I think I have learned to forgive her. However, I am at a stage where I am not about to forget what happened. I wish her well, I just do not wish to associate with her on any level. She destroyed the friendship and ever thing else when she started the lyin and cheating. And, the fact that she absolutly will not except the fact, that this is all her baby...And she alone is to blame for her choice....That is not to say that I am not her friend, for she doesn't even repect herself much less others. But, as a friend and brother in the Lord, I cannot reach her, only the Lord Himself will be able to remove the callousness that has hardened her heart. I pray for her, that is all I can do...
That's why it never ceases to amuse me how the op and even the other poster that claimed she was conned. Have so little or no conscience to this matter (basically in a state of denial), for they are both guiltyof adultery. The OP of this thread knowingly comitted it, and as a sign of her ignorance is basically bragging...with no remorse what so ever. She is just to ignorant(maybe young) to know what she has done. But, little girl, you can run on, but you can't hide from yourself....A cold (calloused) little girl who is oblivious to the damage she has done to herself not to mention the family of the man she had her little what cha ma callit (Adultry)with. She just thinks she is on her merry little road, not realizing that she left part of her heart in that illicit affair. Perhaps she is better off for now not realizing just what that man extracted out of her. For she is now more calloused of heart than before she met this MAN?
About the other lady who posted and told one of the ladies she needs to grow up. No my dear, you might want to think about growing some yourself...You are not as innocent as you might like to think. Weather you realize it yourself or are willing to admit, you knew that you were committing adultry. You ask me how I know? Quite simple Watson, you knew the man was seperated! Therefore you knew he was married and you allowed yourself for one reason (probably lonley) or the other allowed yourself to be sucked into his deception. Weather you want to except it or not...They were still married. AND YOU HAD ABSOLUTLY NO BUISNESS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR MARRIAGE. You, may not know this, but I think you do, being seperated is still married. And that is where your guilt is, and that is how you were tempted in.
In closing, if you do not wish to find yourself in that position again, refrain from any man who is not divorced like the plaugue, for that is what he surley is, and he won't mind sucking up your conscience and heart, for you see he doesn't have much of a one either. He was not free to have a relationship with you, and either were you to him...He was another's, and you violated their union, regardless weather he told you it was ok...Did you ask his wife? No, I didn't think so. .Then you commited adultry with him. Oh, I see part of your reasoning, but that (ignorance thing) cannot be justified. While he will carry the lions share of the guilt. Don't kid yourself...You are carrying some of it too. Suck it up and learn from this valuable lesson... Only then can this experience become of value to you. Until you except accountability for your actions in this matter, you too are being calloused of heart. Sure you do have the option of saying I'm full of "Crap". But I think if you look into your conscience...you'll see that it is vitally connected to your heart. And, you need to protect that at all costs. 
Besides that, you are on a dating site. I ask you to consider this after you basically con fessed to the world. What decent man that has seen your POST would be able to trust you, not to do the same thing to him? Unless maybe you showed the maturity and fortitude to say to yourself you were wrong, and that you will never ...ever date a man that is either seperated or married. For they are one and the same.
I do not wish to see you find yourself on the receiving end of adultry, I can assure you it will ripp your guts out. Maybe you might consider asking the Lord's forgiveness? For I know you probably aint up to apologizing to the person that you really owe it to, or deserves it!. Cause, we are all going to stand accountable for our acts that hurt others. I would rather bow up now, then then...Because weather you know it or not, that bosso took a peice of your heart and replaced it with callousness.
Hey kid, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God...Unles you are like one of the many of the ladies up here that claim they believe in nothing ( atheists)...All I can say is ya can take that route if you want too, but it will only lead to more callousness... and one day they are going to know that was the wrong answer... One Day when their standing in front of the Lord trying to explain why they don't believe;*) That will be interesting...
One things for sure, no body comes out of adultry unscathed, weather you believe in God or not.
Rick
btw, You were seeking what when you posted this? Confirmation that you were not gulity of anything? Maybe you are smart and can get the callousedness off your heart. Or maybe not, and you can be like the Little Girl who posted this thread basically bragging about what she did. I wish you well...And hope you make a good decision! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/8/2007 12:26:19 PM | | OMG. This is the most stupid thing I have ever read in here. If I was the wife I would want to know. Maybe your right that the wife may have some idea that the husband is cheating, but with who is probably hard to find out. Can you imagine how the wife must feel if she does know , and she sits home night after night, because the freaking husband does wants his cake and eat it too. He has no intention of leaving the other woman, as long as he can get sex when he wants and then come home and play the happy little family. Get a clue, most married men that cheat, do not leave their wives unless they get caught. I for one, have been asked out by many married men (not on this site) but other ones. Usually the comment is, I have no intention of leaving my wife, but I am looking for some fun. Ughhhh. I always email them back and tell them they should be ashamed of theirselves. Doesn't sound like you have ever been married, so you have no idea how much pain you can cause. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/9/2007 7:30:21 PM | Affairs happen.... or are made to happen by people who refuse to work on their marriages and/or get out if that doesn't work out. So convenient aren't they?
I would tell if I knew who to tell. Why not? The husband is a cheating/lying types. Maybe I would invite her to go to the doctor to get tested for STDs.
Not my bag.... no desire to come between a man and his woman. It's called integrity.
Sherry | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/9/2007 9:16:59 PM | No esceptions for me
If you want or need variety...don't take marriage VOWS. Stay single, have a blast...whatever turns your crank.
I'm always amazed that the "other" woman (or guy) is blamed for more for adultery than the married person is...not saying that it's cool to mess around with married people..'cause it isn't. But at the end of the day it is the married persons fault...because they have taken VOWS. That's what marriage means. You either work on it...or you split. That's my opinion...if that's not the case why call it married at all? Don't make a promise you can't keep..I was taught that at about age 7.
VOW–noun
1. a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment: marriage vows; a vow of secrecy.
2. a solemn promise made to a deity or saint committing oneself to an act, service, or condition.
3. a solemn or earnest declaration.
I would tell the wife if she was a friend...or the husband (I have guy friends) DISCREETLY.
Somehow it coming from the "other" seems more to me like shit disturbing. Like maybe the "other" wants to break up the marriage for their own personal agenda. | |
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equus2
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Joined: 9/4/2007
Msg: 357 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/9/2007 11:45:22 PM | The wife is innocent? Ya, I guess, but not blameless that she had a husband that cheated, afterall who picked him?
I believe in people taking responsibilty for their decisions and the mistakes they make, and in this case her husband is her mistake. When I hear people complain about their partners I always think to myself, "You picked him/her".
As someone who is a very faithful person, and has been turned down for dates repeatedly, it is very difficult for me to feel sorry for the wife, who based on the odds, passed on someone like me, if favor of (again based on the odds) a future cheating jerk. And yes, I think you can tell which man has a high probability of cheating and who doesn't from day one of the relationship. The fact is the traits that attract most women to men are the same traits that make those men likely to cheat. Likewise, the traits that many women will turn down a man for, namely a guy being a bit shy or lacking a little confidence, are traits that will make that man less likely to cheat if for no other reason, it won't be as easy for him to approach other women, also he will is as likely to be rejected for those traits after marriage as he was before.
If that is a reality of biological/psychologic female to male attraction, fine, but we are supposed to be more than animals, possessing reason. If she was not willing to inject some logic into the process of choosing a mate, IMO she needs to deal with that choice. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 12:17:01 AM | A former husband of mine was what I call The Professional Bachelor. His exlanation to me for his infidelity was, "But I have enough love in my heart for both of you." My response was, "Oh, really? And do you have enough in the checking account for both of us, too?"
Nobody came forward to tell me what his co-workers all knew. I had a wifely intuition that something was wrong, and I was soooooo right. The pain was instant, deep, horrible and devastating. I doubt that being told by somebody would have helped or hurt any more or any less.
As for telling the wife what was going on, I've done that. She never forgave me for the pain it caused her. It was the end of a friendship that may not have survived anyway. She took him back with open arms and they both blamed me. No good deed goes unpunished. You just never know.  | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 1:30:38 AM | If you're on the cheating side of the affair, you're screwed. That person you had your fling with suddenly has immense power of you. They can do anything.
They can go to your spouse and say "Hey, guess what?"
I would never give someone that much power over me- no matter how attractive or irresistable they might be. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 2:51:41 AM | oh come on
The wife is innocent? Ya, I guess, but not blameless that she had a husband that cheated, afterall who picked him?
please do we really pick who we love and say oh please cheat on me
NO
The only people we actually choose are the ones we give birth to | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 4:00:30 AM | | If you know someone is cheating tell the wife or the husband if for no other reason then the fact that this person(the spouse) could unknowingly be exposed to a horrible std . | |
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Maesta
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Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 362 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:06:26 AM | Wholeheartedly agree with the OP.
As for STD: who said they always accompany adultery? If the lady knows she's clean, why should she worry or inform the wife for that matter?
Anyway. After the affair is over, telling the wife about it is nothing else but revenge. If you're so honest (or prefer to believe that you are) - tell in the very beginning. Not when it's over.
Moreover, there are many women out there who do not want to know about their husbands' affairs. Live with it. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:19:04 AM | I am not talking about the tramp he was banging telling the wife . I am talking about if someone knows that someone else is cheating they should tell the spouse . As for knowing you are clean well that may not always be true. Even if someone were to use a condom every time , well condoms break
Besides if this man whore is cheating with this one tramp the it's a very safe bet that he has done it before . You never really know unless you are checked regularly that you are clean . So long as you are having sex then you are always at risk.
It is cruel and unfair of someone who knows something is going on with a cheating spouse not to tell the other spouse. If i knew someone was cheating i would tell because aids is out there and it doesn't look like it is going anywhere . | |
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Maesta
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Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 364 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:27:38 AM | mika,
it's cruel to get between two people. Who are you? Themis? Nemesis? The "betrayed" have the right to steer clear of the information that may hurt them. If you can't help breaking the news - talk to the cheater first. People cheat for very different reasons, you may be totally unaware of what's going on in the family.
Should I remind you what the road to hell is paved with? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:31:37 AM | | Yeah i hope that kind of thinking comforts you if someday you know someone is cheating then he passes on aids to his wife. Do you have any idea what type of horrible death that is . Sorry but with diseases like that out there i would let someone know . | |
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equus2
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Joined: 9/4/2007
Msg: 366 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:37:10 AM |
please do we really pick who we love and say oh please cheat on me
NO
The only people we actually choose are the ones we give birth to
I absolutely pick who I will allow myself to fall for, but I especially control who I will hook up with or marry, and have walked away from a person I had feeling for because I knew knew she wasn't a good choice for a long term relationship.
My bigger point is that lots of women fall for jerks before they finally get married to one. If you are attracted to a-holes and hook up with one, he is going to act like ... well... an a-hole. No surprise there. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:47:34 AM | sometimes they can just grow into a-------
the guy you married might have been a great guy
and old age turned him
or a wolf in sheeps clothing  | |
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Maesta
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Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 368 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:48:32 AM | Yes, I do have the idea.
I also know what it is like to bury a friend who sank into depression and eventually took her life after very smart people informed her about her husband's affair. Of course you'd blame the husband, I have no doubts about that.
Why should other people's health bother you so much? Why do you think you have the right to interfere, unless they clearly ask for you help or advice?
AIDS is merely an excuse for the overwhelming desire to break into the private life of others. If it hadn't been for AIDS, such well-wishers would have found other reasons. They always have, they allways will. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:53:12 AM | I to agree that it is a choice you make to have an affair with a married man NO it just doesn't happen. I to would like to know what the Heck happened to sisterhood? Its a woman thing you don't take another womans husband end of story. Yea You go ahead and tell her, maybe she will beat your butt for it. I surely would. As far as the husband I'd take him to the cleaners. Its just bull  The sad thing is it seems everyone is out doing it and thinking its OK. Sad world we live in. For all that think not on cheating good for you I'm so glad that some of us do have MORALS | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 6:19:46 AM | | SilverStream You sound like a wonderful person I to have been there and couldn't have said it better than you. I feel your pain as it like to have killed me and my children also were the ones who pulled me out of it. For that I owe them. Good Luck to you and I hope we find a person that can love us forever God Bless. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 6:43:38 AM | | Some people out there really just really feel the need to justify having an affair with a married man or woman . They will demonize anyone or anything that tells them they are wrong for being a whore and going after another womans husband.It's a real pity some people out there have the morals of an alley cat. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 7:22:09 AM | | Sometimes I feel sorry for the other woman. After all she's just a booty call. She doesn't get to go anywhere, she doesn't get to spend his money. Why any woman would want that is beyond me. | |
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Maesta
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Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 373 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 8:12:49 AM | mika,
I don't have any affairs with married men. And I do not justify having such affairs, by the way. Looks like you can't think of any other reason why there are people who do not want to hurt others.
Don't try to read between the lines, there's nothing in there but empty space. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 4:50:31 PM | Hey there Ms Inlet,
Sure wish I still had my boat, that way I could come and dock it up by you...
Hey thanks for the complement!
Oh Yes, and to Mr. Equus2.
Man, do you sound like you have some issues...The other persons fault for anothers transgressions? All I am going to say, is I hope one day you will not have to eat that comment. It isn't to tastey!
Your not trying to get on any of the ladies "Favorite's List" are you?  I didn't think so.
BTW, on a serious note...not that I need the competition or anything...You might try putting a picture with a close up on your profile, so the ladies could see you...Your not that bad lookin, but can't tell from that distance.
Oh yea, this is from a loser who's s/o commited adultry, stupid me...Shoulda seen it coming...Dude give it a break...that was a really calloused statement if I do say so myself
Is it any wonder why your still up here fishing?...No offense buddy, but if I was a lady I would pass...You know I think one of the things ladies look for in a guy is compassion, and by your post you seem to be a little bit light in that department.
Just a loser's opinion, NOT...
Rick TensawEagle | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/20/2007 2:51:17 PM | | The woman should have the same opportunity to make decisions for her life while the husband is making deicsions for himself. She she also know to be in a position to protect herself financially, emotionally and physcially. It is inconceivable to think that a cheating spouse is hilding all the cards leaving the other one very vulnerable and feeling stupid and betrayed. | |
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