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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:13:29 PM |
Here's some statistics...
Who cares about your statistics! They don't make it okay that you contributed (willingly) to not only sabataging a marriage, but also having absolutely no consideration for the woman that gave herself to him forever and vowed to love him for better or worse! She DOES deserve to know about his affair with you, and I pray that she is either able to forgive him and live a happy life without trust issues, or that she can move on with as little pain as possible!
I am completely SHOCKED that you would even post here, and even more SHOCKED that you consider yourself a "lady" for not telling his wife what a loser he was for sleeping with you! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:15:35 PM | OP - I agree that those stats are quite antiquated.
What I find amazing is what you've admitted to doing and what your motto in your profile says. I'd be careful what you ask for! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:16:10 PM | OP, there are so many points to be made for your easily-seen-through rationalizations, one of which is: you're presenting yourself as somehow superior and "noble" to other third party cheaters not because you think it's the right thing to do to "spare the husband's and wife's feelings", but because you don't want to become enmeshed in your own retaliatory sh!tstorm when she hears the news.
Also, though it may not apply in your case, I'm sure it does in many other similar situations that why should the other woman (or other man, if that's the case) burn their bridge? After all, the guy may come back to you after finally divorcing the wife. And if the wife finds out he's a cheater, she can take him to the cleaners financially, thereby causing all those fancy dinners with you, those gifts and expensive hotel rendezvous to be transferred instead to McDonald's and Motel 6. | |
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1john1
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Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 29 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:16:50 PM |
But, by all means, tell your significant other.
Nothing could be more selfish and hurtful.
The ole "you can learn to spice things up"
Yea, I knew that line would come up.
Guess what. Some women don't want to. Period.
They have a low sex drive. They don't enjoy
it for whatever reason.....they just don't.
I know a guy who loooooveeeeess blow jobs.
I love them too. His gf of 12 yr's won't give them to him.
BUT, they are such a good match in every other way.
It would be RIDICULOUS to end a partnership over a fricken'
blowjob. So, he gets it somewhere else...and doesn't rub it in
her face, which would be unnecessarily hurtful.
Life is messy and imperfect. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:19:11 PM | Cheaters are the lowest forms of human beings . Think about all the character flaws . They are cowards- always lying to try to avoid being found out even when they are found out
liars-deceitful as they can be
disloyal to their vows, wife and kids
mean - do not care who they hurt for their moment of pleasure not to mention exposing their innocent spouse to potential disease
selfish- just thinking with certain parts of their anatomy
MY ONLY WISH IS THAT THEIR KIDS FIND OUT WHETHER THEY ARE 5 OR 50 = I THINK THATS THE BEST PUNISHMENT FOR THESE COWARDS | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:23:56 PM | | I didn't want to read something that long. Especially with a subject so simple. Fidelity is about respect. If you knowingly get involved with someone who's not single..................well then you both suck! If you didn't know they weren't single, then get away asap. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:24:05 PM |
I know a guy who loooooveeeeess blow jobs.
I love them too. His gf of 12 yr's won't give them to him.
BUT, they are such a good match in every other way.
It would be RIDICULOUS to end a partnership over a fricken'
blowjob. So, he gets it somewhere else...
I just love these rationalizations.
Clandestine blow jobs from whom? A hooker with chancre sores? And he then "comes" back to bed with his truly beloved the same night? Or blowjobs from his wife's best friend? Or blow jobs from another woman he's emotionally enmeshed with the past 20 years?
There are a few missing and significant details in your story. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:26:23 PM |
OP, there are so many points to be made for your easily-seen-through rationalizations, one of which is: you're presenting yourself as somehow superior and "noble" to other third party cheaters not because you think it's the right thing to do to "spare the husband's and wife's feelings", but because you don't want to become enmeshed in your own retaliatory sh!tstorm when she hears the news.
Exactly...ahh, thank you! 
After all, the guy may come back to you after finally divorcing the wife. And if the wife finds out he's a cheater, she can take him to the cleaners financially, thereby causing all those fancy dinners with you, those gifts and expensive hotel rendezvous to be transferred instead to McDonald's and Motel 6.
There's justice for ya!  | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:28:21 PM | Kassey: You flat out betrayed the sisterhood. The load of bull...er.. statistics you are quoting to justify your actions do nothing but dig you in further.
Oh...and about your motto.........yeah, nuff said. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:28:23 PM |
It would be RIDICULOUS to end a partnership over a fricken' blowjob. So, he gets it somewhere else....and doesn't rub it in her face, which would be unnecessarily hurtful.
The noblesse of your friend has me wracked with deep emotion.
I'm assuming he's paying for these B.J.'s which he just can't live without (after all, a man who goes without B.J.'s runs the great risk of having his d!ck fall off........it's a proven fact........I think the OP quoted that with her statistics.)
I'm assuming no condoms are used for said B.J.'s. If the hooker has sores in her mouth, she can transmit all kinds of lovely things to your friend's unprotected pen!s. Which he then transmits to his girlfriend's unwitting genitals, which I assume she is willing to present to him.
Sounds fair to me. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:37:58 PM | I guess I'm trying to figure out if the OP is trying to convince us or herself.
1. He gave you the ride of your life honey. I'm sure it was the best relationship you've ever had in your life...you had the hearts and flowers. You had the kisses and affection. You had everything intimate and loving about this man. What you didn't have were the bills to pay, the kids to help with homework, or school plays, or dinner at the in-laws, or the multitude of other day to day mundane things every 'married' couple has to deal with on a day to day basis.
2. Do you honestly think that HE is going to be the only one paying for his 'sins'? Do you honestly think just because you aren't wearing a ring that you haven't sinned?
3. Affairs don't just 'happen'. You made yourself available to a married man and he took 'advantage' of it. Yes...I used the correct word. Trust me, there was nothing magical happening here, and you probably weren't the first, and I can almost guarantee you won't be the last.
I hope for your sake that you don't put yourself in this type of situation again, it's dangerous, not only because of STD's, but what if she finds out about you first? Comes to your house? Confronts you in front of your neighbors, family, children (if you have any). When the wife finds out first, trust me...he's going to cover his own behind and swear you're a stalker, or that you became fixated on him and won't leave him alone.
Best of luck! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:40:14 PM | | There is no rationalization for cheating . If the relationship is unsatisfactory you have 2 noble choices. Work on it or be upfront and leave your partner. Thats the right thing to do . Its not fair if your partner has a person cheating on them . Be an adult . | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:48:38 PM | ^^^^^^^Msg 31- the OP DOES suck, huh? Patting herself on the back 'cause she didn't tell the wife.
Probably because she wanted to hang on to that cheating pig as long as she could and still hopes he'll come back.
Karma-he leaves his wife, goes back to OP....and cheats on her   .
Some people are above nothing | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 39 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:56:25 PM | Affairs are plain wrong. Ok, so you receive gifts, dinners out, flowers, and having the "good ol time". The ironic thing is you don't get to spend holidays with this person. They aren't the one who comes home to you, each and every night. They have their foot half way into the relationship. I can't imagine why on earth anyone wants to be less than #1 Fiddler.
I'm not sure what telling the wife or spouse will accomplish. It's a mixed bag, on one hand I see the importance of it when it comes down to STD's or Aids. On the flip side of the coin, you could be having a chance meeting with Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson.
Any fool that wants to have an affair, they will meet their fate. What goes around, comes around. Bottom line, there are no winners in affairs, just losers. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:59:18 PM |
know it kept his marriage alive. He would feel invigorated and bring that positive energy back into the relationship. I cannot imagine having a strong sex drive and only having sex with the same person for 40 years. oh. my. god. Women can NOT understand this. Flame away, but, it really really is pointless. We are literally built differently, it's pointless to moralize over this issue.
I wonder how his wife felt about it? Oh, I guess she probably never knew...and you think she 'reaped all the benefits' of his "positive energy"? ROFLMFAO...The only way it has to do with being 'built differently' is because some people think nothing is wrong with cheating and breaking the vows they made to someone they allegedly love, and others do believe there's something wrong with doing that. Men aren't the only ones who cheat; women do it also; and both do it for various reasons that they can justify to themself...but the only others they'll be able to justify it to are other cheaters. Marriage is what the two involved make of it; if they take each other for granted and don't make the effort to keep it strong, including their sex life, then they have no one to blame but themselves. And frankly, as far as having sex with the same person for 40 years, I'll take that and the enjoyment of learning more and more about each other and surprising each other, rather than that rush you get with someone new that wears off way too soon, especially when you find out they're not who you thought they were.
Women don't understand and "they" are the main reason that men seek affairs. After 30 years of marriage, marriage becomes stale.
I disagree; why are women the "main" reason men cheat? They're not holding a gun to their man's head and saying "go out and cheat"...it's his own decision to cheat or not. If there are problems in a marriage/relationship and they (male or female) don't choose to try and work them out, but choose to cheat instead, then *they* made that choice. If they try to work it out and the other person doesn't do their part, then they have the choice to end the marriage/relationship rather than to cheat. By choosing cheating, they're taking the easy way out for themself. They don't have to go through any of the hassle of getting divorced/leaving; they get to spend time with someone where there's no worries or responsibilities, just good times; and they get the rush of doing something on the sly. If marriage gets stale after 30 years it's because one or both partners have let it get that way. If they can't make the effort to keep their marriage strong and sizzling, then they're not going to be able to do that with anyone else after the first blush wears off...and frankly, if they've cheated once they're more likely to do it again, IMO.
I am glad that you decided you wanted more; and I'm sure it was a hard decision...but it was the right one for you to make under the circumstances so that you could get the more than you want. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 8:06:34 PM | Hmm well.. being one of those "Unknowing married wives" once upon a time. I would have to say that I would want to know.. Why, cause if the lieing POS SOB wanted to be free, then fly away... ( hot issue)
You can't have your cake and eat it too.. and I have no clue how the hell you can honestly say that you don't feel any blame or shame, specialy if you KNEW he was married.. I understand that your relationship was WONDERFULL, of course it was, you saw him when you had the time, wanted to make the time, and you didn't have to put up with his BS..
You didn't have to clean his clothes, take his shit to the dry cleaners, make his dinner or take care of his children while he was busy out f*cken YOU !!
You could have walked away any time you wanted to, his wife who has no clue, doesn't know any better.. SO she still sticks around believing that he's just putting in a "late night at the office"..
I'm sorry but this subject, to me, brings up a morals issue which few people seem to have now a days..
People wonder why the world is the way it f*cken is !!
People blame someone else for what they've done. Twinkies made me fat, let me sue them.. I didn't know the coffee was "hot" let me sue the restaraunt... And the list goes on !!
I loved him before I knew he was married.. .o( Well once you found out he was married, why did your *ss stay with him, he have a 24 hours hard on ? )
No you stayed because the relationship was EASY, you scewed, he left, you did what ever you wanted to do.
You have Free Will and if you use it by doing things that hurt others IT IS YOUR FAULT, no one else.. Just remember Karma is a b*tch and what comes around, goes around, eventually !! And we ALL have to answer to someone in the end...
Ok I'm off of my soap box now...
Sorry I kinda sounded like Foamey on a rant there.. Told ya it was a hot issue !! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 8:15:33 PM | | OP, I disagree with your justifying your actions by your feeling that he must be consumed by guilt. Maybe he's had you and several others since then, and is glad his wife doesn't know? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 8:23:06 PM |
My opinion? It takes a better woman to walk away.
It takes a better woman to not sleep with a married man in the first place.
What you've actually accomplished is humiliating yourself. You haven't actually "boosted" your self-esteem. It just bottomed out!
But sleeping with the married guy sure boosted YOUR self esteem huh?
You may meet that one man or woman that takes your breath away; your defenses and beliefs crumble.
Sorry, My beliefs are much stronger than that. I am not that stupid, nor am I that horny. | |
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*Echo*
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Joined: 2/19/2006
Msg: 44 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 8:51:04 PM | 1John1 wrote:
Nothing could be more selfish and hurtful. {than telling a partner about having an affair}
Oh, yes, actually there is something much more more selfish and hurtful than that:
Having an affair. | |
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1john1
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Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 45 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:27:19 PM |
There are a few missing and significant details in your story.
My point, once again is, it would be ridiculous to end a successful 12 yr
relationship over blowjobs.
The "what ifs" are not my point. And there are flavored condoms for bjs,
did you know that?
Anyone here get massages? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:29:15 PM | No woman who knows she is having an affair with a married man ever walks away a lady. How can you possibly take pride in knowing you took part in a man cheating on his wife? I have very strong feelings about cheating as I have been cheated on a few times in relationships. I think both the husband who cheats and the woman who he is cheating with, or a wife who cheats and the man she is cheating with are all cowards.
Regardless of how the wife finds out she needs to know. At the very least she deserves to know that her husband has been unfaithful to her..
LL | |
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1john1
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Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 47 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:36:34 PM |
Nothing could be more selfish and hurtful.
{than telling a partner about having an affair}
Oh, yes, actually there is something much more more selfish and hurtful than that:
Having an affair.
If a tree falls in a forest, does anyone hear it?
You folks aren't naive, there are many many reasons why people have affairs.
You're all old enough to know what they are.
C'mon now. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:50:12 PM | I experienced a certain quality of intimacy with him that I will never encounter again in my life; this I know. It was absolutely beautiful in all aspects of love and sex.I chose to move on in my life. I decided I wanted more for myself.
If quality of intimacy to you means sex without committment with a married man, then you need to evaluate or re-evaluate your perception of intimacy. You have created a fantasy for yourself in order to cope with the fact that he used you for sex and for sex only. Obviously, you developed deep loving feelings for him and he didn't reciprocate. It's called unrequited love. He didn't love you enough to leave his wife for you...he didn't commit to you....he chose to stay with her.I can see it all now. After you gave him "the talk"...it's either me or her and he chose her, you called it off. You were expecting that he would leave her for you, weren't you? I'd bet the farm you were...and when he didn't...in order to feel better about yourself, you decided to be admirable, walk away like a lady, as you put it and not run like a sniveling idiot and tell his wife. You may inwardly and secretly be kicking your own ass for being so guillable.But you won't tell the world that. And, you won't stoop so low as to tattle tale on him to his wife. By justifying your good intentions, at least you will feel like you're leaving the situation with some of your self-esteem, still intact.
Being a women we are sometimes blinded by the fantasies that are staring right at us.
Perhaps your fantasy was, that if you provided outstanding sex to him, he would leave her to be with you. They seldom do, darling. When you eventually realized he would never leave his wife.............you called it off and shifted the blame, off of yourself and onto him. Sorry, there is nothing honorable about his behaviour but the bottom line here is, there is nothing honorable about yours, either.
It's time to take responsiblity for the part you played in this illicit affair.All the stats in the world won't justify the fact that you made an error in judgement.Not only about him but especially about yourself.
Most often times than not.......anger, jealousy and resentment are all based on fears of rejection and being alone. This all goes back to learning to love ourselves.
Infidelity is not about sex...there are probably more deep-seated issues at play here.
Maybe it's time for you to look at these fears, talk them out with a trusted person, your pastor or a counsellor, in order to move on in a more healthy way. This might help you move towards a healthy, truly intimate loving relationship with someone, that wants to be committed to you as you want to be lovingly committed to him. Perhaps, it's time for you to look at why you don't think you're lovable, just the way you are,......... or worthwhile enough, to be loved in a committed way,
I wish you all the best......and I hope you'll find someone to talk to.
Muskoka | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:54:31 PM | Judge not, lest thou be judged. We all have skeletoons in our closet, so as to speak, and one bad choice is no worse than another bad choice.
The overwhelmimg reason someone has a relationship outside their marriage is because they want to feel loved and needed. This is not to say that they do not love their spouse, nor would they ever want to hurt them either, but they just need to be loved and appreciated and may not be getting that at home, for any number of reasons, some reasonable, some not.
I am not saying it is right or okay or a reasonable alternative, but it does happen and it can happen to anyone. The needs of the one outweighs the needs of the whole......
Including the spouse could undermine any needs or relationship.
If I knew my brothers wife was regularly runnung around, I would probably say something. If she had a moment of infidelity that I knew about, I would never mention it. We all have weaknesses and we all make decisions that may not be the best, but we are all human......period! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:54:59 PM | Whether or not someone has an affair or their reasons for the affair isn't the issue. It's that the spouse should know. Are you really so naive to believe that guys use condoms all the time, or that condoms don't break and get holes? A person might get away with a one night stand while out of town every couple of years, but sooner or later, the odds turn against chronic cheaters and disaster strikes. Not just diseases, but theft and muggings, big, bad exes, dillusional sex partners, and unexpected pregnancies.
The sooner spouses and long term partners know the truth, the sooner they can make decisions for their own well being. | |
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