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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:04:56 PM |
Regardless of whether you say you wouldn't have an affair with a married person. You don't know. I'm very confident in my belief that I won't have an affair with a married person.
You may meet that one man or woman that takes your breath away; your defenses and beliefs crumble. You become attracted; attached; I'm not that gullable and weak-minded.
Ending this relationship was very hard on me. gawd. 
It makes me sick, when tramps use these forums to whine about the inconveniences that their affairs cost them.
don't these 2 following statements contradict each other?
It was the "best" of the best. I experienced a certain quality of intimacy with him that I will never encounter again in my life;
I chose to move on in my life. I decided I wanted more for myself. If you decided that you want "more" for yourself, then you obviously didn't have "the best of the best". Did you? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:16:11 PM | | In my opinion, people who justify infidelity have no honour. I also believe that people who engage in affairs are untrustworthy. If you won't honour a commitment to someone you supposedly love and try to find reasons to make that betrayal OK, then it's no stretch of the imagination to think that you won't honour any commitment that doesn't suit you. The same is true of those who engage in affairs with committed/married people. It show incredible disdain for the dignity and personal well-being of others. How self-centred and indifferent can you be? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:44:15 PM | The Right Choice is usually the Hardest one to make.
From a practical point of view, marriage may fail, hard on the kids, legal battles, financial disaster all around. You look like the other woman ( well, you were the other woman). All bad things, and inconvenient in the short term.
But the wife does have the 'right' to know the truth, if it does blow up and end in divorce, it will be a shitty year. However, In 5-10 yrs everyone will likely be better for it. The wife may meet a better man, the kids see their mom stand up for herself, and see that even 'dad' isn't perfect, and justice applies to all. Hell, you and the husband may even get a fair shot if it is in the open, things don't grow very well in the shade.
Most importantly, Justice, Integrity, Respect, Love, and Honestly must be the principles to try to live your life by, they are the only ones that last. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:52:46 PM |
I was seeing a married man. I had an affair with him. It was the closest relationship that I've had in my entire life. It was the "best" of the best. I experienced a certain quality of intimacy with him that I will never encounter again in my life; this I know. It was absolutely beautiful in all aspects of love and sex. I chose to move on in my life. I decided I wanted more for myself.
This is bizarre.....
So you were seeing a married man and it was the "best" of the "best"....the kind of intimacy that you KNOW you will "never encounter again." So...why did you leave? You "chose" to move on? Sure--we all do that when we find "intimacy" that we know we will never find the equal of. HA! Why would anyone do that? It was the best of the best, after all.....!
Or is it that....as you assure us "married" sex, at least, inevitably becomes....that YOU are the one who became...ummmm...stale? And oh so easily disposable.....
Bummer. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:11:36 PM | So? We sign a contract and that makes a marriage? How many of you sign contracts to pay bills and fall delinquent or in jail? How many of you have children and "contract" to those children just by having them to take care of them? How many of you dads are low lifes and don't pay child support or pay the child support yet have nothing to do with the child? How many of you have ever lied in your life that adversely has affected someone or something? How many of you play hooky at work? Lie lie lie.... Contracts? Alrighty then! What ta hey is a contract? How many of you have ever tried drugs? ILLEGAL! How many of you drank under age? ILLEGAL! Better yet, how many have every stolen something? Anything? ILLEGAL! How many of you lied to girlfriend/boyfriend? WRONG? I think what you're all doing is failing to admit that you have done someone wrong in your life.... And, yes, I'm a proud woman and I did choose to walk away. We all learn from our mistakes. We all have preferences in life and are quick to judge others. I respect all your opinions and appreciate yourinput. This has helped me immensely. Thanks again. I applaud you all....
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:25:09 PM | ^^^^You're right - having an affair is completely acceptable. I used to think that honesty, committment, faithfulness and respect were all essential to a good, long lasting relationship. But now I have seen the light with your finely tuned arguments. 
I don't know what to tell you kassey, other than, you are not convincing anyone, except maybe yourself of the merit of your actions. And I doubt you are even doing a good job of that. I don't know what you honestly expect by posting your confession of having an affair with a married man, online (and then actually trying to justify it good grief!), but you're not going to get any empathy or sympathy here - except from other cheaters.
Most people who are looking for a long term relationship such as marriage in their lives, and who also have some ethics about them, would never try to justify this type of behaviour. Many have mentioned this already but I'll say it again; If you think it's only your cheating ex-lover that will pay for his actions, you are so very wrong. You participated in this ruse willingly and as many have already stated, Karma is a bi*ch, like many other natural laws, and don't think for a minute that you are immune to it.
Even if this cheating ba*tard left his wife to be with you, I can assure you, your "relationship" would have been already tainted. I know of no couples to date who have stayed together, when their relationship started out of cheating. You were NOT being a lady by not informing this guy's wife - you were simply holding on to the nonexistent hope that one day he'll "see the light" and be with you again. I am so sorry for your delusions, and hope that you will wake yourself up from them one day. A very good guage of what you would think is right or wrong is simply to imagine yourself in that same scenario - say you are married to someone you thought was being faithful to you and the whole time they have not been. Imagine how you would feel, with no one ever telling you about it! If someone really wants to hide something from someone, they can be successful, please don't try to justify your actions by telling yourself that the wife already knew, that she was only deluding herself and blinding herself to the "signs". It doesn't always happen that way, and if you ever experience the other side of the coin yourself, you will know what I'm talking about here.
And yes, kassey, many have done things in their lives that are not right and downright wrong. But usually a person who is not insane will not convince themselves (and attempt to convince others) of the "rightness" of what they know to be wrong. It is one thing to make a mistake and learn from it so as to not repeat it, it is however another thing entirely to look back on your mistakes, look upon them fondly and try to justify why you made them. Heck, it sounds to me that if given the opportunity, you'd do it again, even knowing what you know now. You have learned NOTHING, and that is a sad, sad, thing - most of all for yourself. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:29:10 PM | Your irrelevant rant about contracts aside, A vow was made, a promise given and a commitment undertaken.
Just because other people choose to shirk their responsibilities doesn't make it right.
And enabling people to do so is legally an accessory.
A cheater, be it the philandering spouse, or the person f*cking them, has neither honour nor respect for anyone.
I will admit, people like that deserve each other.
The cuckold spouse, on the other hand, desreves MUCH better.
Dammstriaght they should be told so they can decide if they wish remain. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:39:42 PM | I hate it when people are so morally self righteous and when they think there is only ever one clear cut way to go. Wouldn't it be easy if life was so black and white!
I was staying overseas with a couple (friends of mine) and their young child. But they were going through a rocky patch and he started having an affair with his partners cousin. It was blatantly obvious to anyone. In fact I wondered whether my friend was choosing 'not to notice'? I didn't say anything and the cousin eventually gave up on it and moved away. If I had said something, I know that my friend would have moved back to England taking the child - result, one fractured family.
Many years on and they now have a solid, loving relationship and two lovely kids. My not saying anything was the right way to go. By the way, anyone who trots out that old 'once a cheater, always a cheater' cliche has no understanding of life. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 12:28:03 AM |
hate it when people are so morally self righteous and when they think there is only ever one clear cut way to go. Wouldn't it be easy if life was so black and white!
I was staying overseas with a couple (friends of mine) and their young child. But they were going through a rocky patch and he started having an affair with his partners cousin. It was blatantly obvious to anyone. In fact I wondered whether my friend was choosing 'not to notice'? I didn't say anything and the cousin eventually gave up on it and moved away. If I had said something, I know that my friend would have moved back to England taking the child - result, one fractured family.
Many years on and they now have a solid, loving relationship and two lovely kids. My not saying anything was the right way to go.
You're right only in that every SITUATION is not directly comparable, not black-and-white. It in no way excuses cheating itself.
In your case, you weren't the one he was cheating with; and, as you state, there are complexities to that situation-- the affair had not progressed to any length or emotional entanglement. It's a tough call in that sense. But what if the cousin HAD hung around? At what point would you feel it not only right, but imperative, to tell your friend what was happening? I know that I would be no friend at all if I stood by and let the relationship develop unhindered. It would break my heart to chum around with my friend for any length of time with that happening.
The situation with the OP is not comparable, however. She WAS that woman, the relationship was not a temporary emotional reaction, it was ongoing and emotionally intense, and she knew the full story when they met.
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I want to come at the deluded self-supporting psychology of the OP from another angle. She mentions in her OP that the relationship was wonderful sexually and otherwise, the highest and best, etc ....
This brings to mind a popularly strange and deluded sympathy which is fairly widespread in contemporary society, and which partially explains why over 50% will cheat in their marriage.
Ever see the movie "The English Patient", based on Michael Ondaatje's novel? I believe it won a best picture Oscar award about 13 years ago. Anyway, to be brief, and pertinent to this thread, a man and woman fall in love in a high-flown backdrop of dangerous war-- the cuckolded husband is portrayed as the salt of the earth; the cheating wife (a nurse who cared for the war-imjured man she cheated with) is likewise portrayed as loving and selfless and beautiful; and the man she cheats with is dark, brooding, but redeemable. The entire force of the movie is in complete sympathy with the two cheaters. There are no mitigating circumstances to the marriage. In fact, Ondaatje deliberately employs a sympathetic husband to make a statement about not only the realities of wayward human nature, but about the thumb-in-your-eye sympathetic triumph of excitement and adventure over mundane loyalty.
Why is this depiction not only accepted, but, shcockingly rooted for?
My conclusion is that, as referenced above, like the OP's delusional and selfish reasoning, romance trumps all. As long as we can convince ourselves that extreme excitement and adventure and consuming sexual newness is more important than fidelity and honesty, then we will have this attitude of perverse sympathy. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 12:34:14 AM | | You are right monogamy is not boring at all. Far better to be with one man in a thousand potitions than to have been with a thousand men does that make sence??? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 12:39:38 AM | ^^^^rory: I don't think I could have expressed it better myself. I remember seeing that movie with some friends and expressing to them that I thought the wife and the other guy were both selfish and completely blind to what the consequences of their actions were to those around them. My friends definitely wanted to root for the "romance" however. I never could see what was so romantic about infidelity. I liked the movie for other reasons, though that is another story - I am still shocked that most people who have seen that film believed that the cheating couple were "meant to be together" or something like that, as though fate and magic of some kind were involved.
I think Hollywood, media of all types, and our modern society have made things like cheating, swinging, and all other kinds of sexually "progressive" (or promiscuous, depending on how you see it I guess) activities much more acceptable today than in the past. It's sad really, because all of this has made me re-evaluate whether it's worth even trying to find someone who is faithful to be with in a relationship, in the first place, and indeed, whether such a creature even exists. Although infidelity has been around forever, and will continue to be, it seems that this time now in our history is particularly not conducive for having faithful relationships. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 12:40:35 AM | Oh great, it has come to this - "what is the RIGHT moral way to go about  cheating ".
It is like discussing if nuclear bombs should be painted yellow or green while disregarding the actual issue. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 12:48:05 AM | I’m thinking the original post was her resume for the next married man. It clearly points out that she would make an excellent mistress. Her Inbox will be flooded with offers from the married boys looking for a little something, something!!!
No amount of personal justification will convince me that cheating on a loved one is right. A personal bond out of love cannot be compared to stealing a roll of lifesavers. To do so insults my intelligence, and personal moral beliefs.
I’d wish the OP luck in her future relationship endeavors, but then I would be a hypocrite in doing so. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 1:05:59 AM | 
i wont even go to the gutter level the op has gone to. i wont degrade myself to gutter level!!
its .. so called mmmummm females/// who pretend they are ladies who screw a a married male..which makes me sick and they need a hard lesson on morals!!
give the trash up!! he is cheating on his wife..and you think you are the only female in his life??
 you are worse than he is in my opinion..since you got no self respect or confidience.....you need to play second choice as a bed partner!!
 i see it this way..if a female has to play second choice..she is more desperate for a bed lay than the guy cheating in the first place..since he can get sex when his wife wants to give it up..as he tells his bed slut....who is willing to dish it out for a cheap meal. at least a hooker makes more by the hour!!
dont play the high class lady..you are just a low class whore and getting paid cheap..since the wife gets paid more in bills and household expenses!!
this maybe harsh....but i am sick of cheaters...male or female.....they all need lessons on values and personal standards. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 1:12:00 AM | | Why tell the wife? Because I would want to know if it were my husband who was doing it to me. There is nothing worse than having people around you know that your man is cheating on you and didn't tell you. This person came home and lived a lie with me. He slept with me, he participated in our daily life together, he acted like everything was fine. I felt like such a fool when it cam to light and to me it was hurtful that I was not privy to this life. I chose to be monogomous because that was a decision we made together not because I had no other person to be with. I made that committment to him and thought he had done the same. I don't care that he wasn't happy, he should have left, that was what the deal was.......Or hey here's an idea, telling me what was going on so that I got to have play too. I mean geesh whats good for the goose is good for the gander right? But no, he wanted ME to be monogomous while he got to play with whatever. That's not boredom, thats feeding his own ego and nothing more. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 1:26:13 AM |
he affair had not progressed to any length or emotional entanglement.
Actually, we don't know that. We're assuming it was a mutual breakup and that no one got hurt, but I'm betting that at least one in that triangle was very hurt...the wife. The cousin might have been carrying some emotional scars out of the relationship. There usually are no happy endings in these types of scenarios.
Further, I have seen stats that say that most marriages that survive affairs are not happy. This makes sense. How could you ever trust your partner again, if you were the betrayed party? I couldn't.
Regardless, affairs are incredibly selfish. If a relationship isn't working and cannot be fixed, then the unhappy spouse should have the decency to extricate themselves from it before they go hunting for a new lover. To have an affair is so disrespectful to the one being cheated on and to the other woman/man.
And the other man/woman must have incredibly low self esteem to take on the roll of the secondary or secret partner. If I'm not first when it comes to my romantic relationship, then it's not worth my time. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 2:32:45 AM | Hi,
dont mean to in here and hope im not too off topic, but felt i needed to say something
i am getting married this year and everything about my relationship is great except that there is no sexual element which i have a problem with. i have tried to talk to her about it but it never ever changes things. We go months without any sexual activity and then she will turn around and say that im not interested in her and that its my fault. We dont exactly have blazing rows about i and i dont want to complain too much as everything else is great - we have a lovely house, we're always laughing at and with each other, we like the same things etc..
i didnt enter this relationship with the intention of playing away. i had two previous serious relationships where sex was normal, ironically enough i was cheated on 3 times, taking one of them back only for them to do it again. Some of u will be saying "why dont you leave her". This is something i dont want to do, i just long for a normal sex life. Hopefully there isnt anything wrong with me to make me want this, unless there is something im not being told, but its seriously affecting me to the point where i cant sleep, my work is affected and my life is turning upside down. That is why i came here.
i dont condone cheating in any way, ithink its wrong and ive had it done on me before 3 times so i have felt the pain. But i dont know what the answer is. Fortunately ive ben on here for about 3 days now and havent had any relations yet (probably due to the lame nature of my profile) so ive got some dignity left in tact. in fact ive kept this all to myself for the last 5 and a half years because i cant really talk to my other half about it, how do you tell you're other half "by the way our sex life is cr*p and im looking online for a bit on the side".
i know im going to get a lot of flack for this, and i probably deserve it, but i, probably as well as others who cheat/think about cheating need some strong advice to get out of this rut that is ruining my life.
im new to forums so dont be too harsh please and if its off topic im sorry, but im not brave enough to start a new one!
Look forward to hearing your replys. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 3:12:48 AM | | Kassey, while it takes a lot of guts to start off a thread like this and defend your position within the relationship in question, the fact is, no matter how beautiful and wonderful your relationship with this man may have been in your mind, he had pledged his life and penis to somebody else. Black mark for him for cheating on his wife and a black mark for you too for knowingly getting yourself involved with someone who was married. Yes, affairs happen all the time but they are volitional, they don't 'just happen'. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 4:01:54 AM | Thanks Funny Girl for calling it what it is! The OP and Cherry are allowing their arrogance and self-centeredness to show. Self-centered people, however, don't seem to usually realize that they are because their world so revolves around themselves that they rarely take a peak out and see what the rest of the population might think. To believe that you are somehow better than the wife .... that if you might "wait for him", a man who cheats wouldn't cheat on you!!!!! Ha! That the only reason to tell the wife would be to punish the man! How self-centered; it's all about your satisfaction! How about the reason that the wife deserves to know!?! How about if he is cheating with you, he may well be cheating with others and his wife may have some serious health issues to consider? OMG! What if he's got other children too!?! And please!!!! Acting as if an affair with a married man is something which just happens! Ha! Arrogant, self-serving drivel, served up only to allay your own guilt which you don't want to admit because it would be proof that you actually did something wrong! Forget getting any sympathy or understanding if you're the woman who helps a man cheat. You don't deserve it.
I’m thinking the original post was her resume for the next married man. It clearly points out that she would make an excellent mistress. Her Inbox will be flooded with offers from the married boys looking for a little something, something!!!
Very interesting observation! Maybe Ms Kassey couldn't care less about what we have to say. Even more self-centered... Ha! She's just reassuring all these married men on her that she's the woman to go to 'cause their wives are not gonna find out from her! It's an advertisement, not meant for any of us to actually respond to. | |
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Kame
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Joined: 2/5/2007
Msg: 70 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 4:25:04 AM | Ok.. my view on this is its not about getting even ,its about she or he has a right to know that their SO is fooling around and then let them make the choice of what they want to do about it ... put the shoe on the other foot ,would you want someone your seeing or married to,to be fooling aroung behind your back...inless you have an open relationship its not ok ...if it was, there would be no need to sneak around about it now would there? Your just trying to excuse yourself from your actions if you ask me,or convence yourself that it was ok.
Besides you tell me, what does a married person have to offer their mistress or what ever ,that he or she couldnt have gotten in a relationship with someone who wasnt involved with another to begin with | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 4:53:58 AM | I don't believe the wife deserves the hurt of knowing.
But... If you find yourself attracted to a married man, it is your responsability to remove yourself from the situation before the feelings develop further.
Additionally to this, if a husband is dissatisfied with his wife's sexuality, he should ask for a divorce and leave her alone. Pathetic excuse for being nasty to someone you once loved.
Its not a nice thing to do you silly woman. How would you like it.?
If you feel a need to post and escuse on here, you are a silly woman! | |
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MISS13
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Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 72 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 5:43:51 AM | I’m thinking the original post was her resume for the next married man. It clearly points out that she would make an excellent mistress. Her Inbox will be flooded with offers from the married boys looking for a little something, something!!!
Oh absolutely......she is advertising.....it's the only way she can get mail...they wouldn't let her advertise herself in Farm Animals Monthly.....
Most women wouldn't have a relationship with a married man.....these men have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find someone low enough....they'll take anything that will spread their legs....
and there you were Op................hanging at the bottom.......for all the bottom feeders.
Your life is so empty Op.....must be tough to have to be with men that don't care about anything but your snatch....try putting some value on yourself..... | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 5:57:30 AM | OP I really don't care about the stats you use to defend/justify what you have done.
I watched how my fathers infidelity affected not only my mother, but our *whole* family. Was my dad to blame? of course, was the woman who knew he was married and decided she wanted him anyway to blame? you bet your a$$.
some say oh she didn't have a responsibility to the family ,she wasn't the married one , blah blah blah , all fine and great but what happened to just being honest and moral?
do we all make mistakes? sure, have we all lied , you better believe it , but purposely going into a relationship with a married man , feeling NO remorse whatsoever for the hell you help cause is just the epitome of selfish and heartless.
I hope you realize, as every woman/man who messes with a married person should understand, you are nothing more than sloppy seconds. Rarely if ever do the people leave their spouses and if they do , chances are they would cheat on you too.
OP , you may have felt this person was the love of your life and grateful for the time you shared but I can promise you this , he didn't feel the same. How do I know? because if he had, he would have left his wife to be with you 100% , and that didn't happen did it?
I'm sure you're a nice enough person , and I hope a similar situation never happens to you if you get married, because it is sheer hell if it does.
as for telling or not telling , I don't even see that as the main issue. So you tell her and "ruin the marriage" hate to say but the marriage was ruined the moment the two of you got together. And what does *not* telling her gain? The fact that he'll probably get away with cheating again? | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 5:58:40 AM | You know what? I'm about to slam, flame, bash, whatever the hell you want to call it. Not only is the OP an ignorant fool she is a coward. My ex-husband had many, many affairs while we were married. And you know what? There was one that was woman enough to be honest with me and tell me to my face...I have the utmost respect for her. Because at least she didn't hide behind a whole bunch of bullshit lies and rationalizations and put me in a position to live a life that I was unaware of that I was living.
It wasn't about getting even or trying to get back at him. It was called she put herself in my shoes and thought...'ya know if I was her, I would want someone to tell me what my husband was doing'. Damn right I wanted to know. And GUESS WHAT? They are together now. Have a kid together. I wish them the best....unfortunately she is now the one being cheated on, but she is still an honest and up front person and I appreciated her candidness in that situation.
But for you to sit here and say it is okay to sleep with married people? Well, call it what you like, but adultery is just a nicer word for being a whore. Would I do it? No. And yes, I can say that because I know myself...I'm not a weak minded individual that is SOOOOOOOOOO desperate for love that I will take whatever is thrown my way.
Go get counseling or something...because obviously you have some issues with yourself if you think there is nothing wrong with being a home wrecker.
~Welder's girl~ | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/6/2007 6:16:58 AM | The OP is being called some nasty names in this thread. Infidelity is an issue that sure raises the hackles.
My earlier posts have indicated where I stand on this issue. But I can also see infidelity from another viewpoint.
A friend of mine had an affair while she was married; another had an affair with a married man while she was single. I did not condone their behaviour, but I understood what was happening within their lives to lead them to make such choices.
Yes, it is galling to hear the OP rationalizing her behaviour. However, there is certainly some guilt eating away at her, for her to feel the need to make this post. Rationalization and justification would not be required if she truly felt comfortable with her role in this matter.
OP, I do not sit in judgment of you. But there is a life lesson to be learned in your situation. I do hope that you will reflect upon it.
And folks: whore? bottom feeder? snatch? Farm Animals Monthly? A bit of understanding would go a whole lot further than such ugliness. Are any of us in a position to throw the first stone? I, for one, am far from a perfect human being. | |
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