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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 5/30/2007 6:21:04 AM |
What would you think?
Frankly, I think you are neurotic, practically a poster child for this decade long wave of relationship analysis parallysis.
Any smart women would avoid any guy you describe in your first paragraph.
If internet dating/first couple of dates were more relaxed and just two people just seeing if there is any chemistry, rather than a micro-psychoanalysis, of why did not he ask this question, or why did he say that, or he did not ask about my kids or, etc,etc... sheesh... | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 5/30/2007 6:36:09 PM | He sees you as a really available one-on-one all-accepting therapist/psychologist/mother/spouse replacement/escape from his current situation/journal (maybe he doesn't like to write)
Why? To build his self image, confidence, ego (consciously or subconsciously), because he's into himself, he's nervous, he's not couth, he has some other woman on the side, or some goal HE is aspiring to. Sure as hell doesn't give a rip what YOU want or think about life, about him, about yourself.
Not a relationship. Not a balanced one anyway.
Some of us have done that (let them hold the reins) for a month, a year, a decade, a marriage. Always waiting our turn. And when we flex our own brightness of being by telling about US, oooh, hoo, well, do that and see if it even blips his radar. It might: he may start controlling you, discount your opinions, not even hear them, gasp in terror that you're so...intense, or run away without giving a reason. OR he may love that you have an idea.
Take some podium time for yourself. See if it bears any fruit. If it does, tell him how it feels and see if he wants to work on being a better listener (there's books about that...and corporate coaches). IF this seems like the problem, then you'll have to deal with it the rest of your relationship. Mouthy people tend to stay that way, silent types stay that way. He may be very bad at listening. He may have any ilk of ulterior motives and/or lack of desire to change. He may need constant spotlight and what works is someone who upstages him...is that in your nature?
So, as creative guy sez: Who cares, do you want to hang out with that? | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 5/30/2007 11:03:02 PM | I'm really soooo not the person to be giving you advice....but here goes....
People are different. I think anyone that dumps too much negative stuff is just sealing his fate. I'd be thinking "is this all this person is going to do". Who wants that.
That being said, when an online "relationship" first begins, some people have a higher degree of sensativity about the info they wish to talk about...You could just be a liar. Men want to find that sort of thing out pretty quickly, which is why a lot like to push the f2f within the first couple of weeks. If it's not the fish you want, reel in and recast.
In "the real world" I freely offer and people often ask me to assist in "breaking the ice". You can't do that with a closed mouth (not without breaking some minor laws, anyhow).
Another huge difficulty is that people think that stuff like saracasm or a sense of humour can be translated easily into text. This is not the case. Often, people misinterpret and take slight sarcasm as an insult.
What I like to do is state a few facts about myself (just boring stuff...for the most part lol), and gauge their interest that way. I think one of the best online "ice breakers" would probably be movies. Most have either seen them, heard of them, or watched a trailer, etc. etc. so you can find out what movies or genres you have in common. Also, if you're chatting using MSN, u can always open up her profile and use it as a reference.
...and for those who care: I'm now on page 5 of sent letters. I've had 4 responses, 3 negative. I write each one individually....need...a...break..... :=/ | |
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| Lamentations...
Posted: 5/30/2007 11:30:35 PM | Heads up, Golden Ruler!
I'd prefer for this to be more personal, but you've got a dozen blocks on age, distance, political persuasion, etc.
Your side note in this topic that you're not getting any hits ( a few facts about myself-- with only ONE positive reply out of 5 pages of contacts)...here's some suggestions:
1) Get rid of the pedicure scenario... utterly gross. What was your point?
2) Reconsider your age/range limitations (since you're so humorous, open yourself to the world, but allude to those delimiters in the prose).
3) You smoke. Well duh....
4) Your bio is creative, and borders on standup. Try less, rather than more (and this isn't ME, this is me thinking about appealing to the general populace.
5) You're bright (creative) enough, but there are some grammatical things could use some polish....depends on what you're fishing for, of course.
Also, I don't know (nor do I want to) what "f2f within the first couple of weeks" might mean. However, I do recognize you're an intelligent and sensitive soul (leaving your windows open, not without beaking some minor laws, genres in common)--so ease up on your limitations and, if you want clarification, send me a note--your big sis, moi. | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 5/30/2007 11:41:19 PM | But if a guy isn't asking me any questions - even when easy openings present themselves - doesn't that mean he's not interested in finding out about me?
People who aren't playing "the game" often don't follow that games' rules.
If I meet a woman and I'm attracted to her and she seems interested, I'll rattle on for quite a while, and really give her a strong idea of who I am. That's how I roll.
I'd love to know about her, but that's up to her. If I happen to ask the wrong question, I may offend her. Plus, I'm an awfully open person. If I want someone to know something, I tell them. So I assume that if someone wants ME to know something, they will tell me.
If you say, "What do you do?" and I say, "I play in a band, blah, blah, blah" and then pause, that's your turn to say "Oh really? I work at McDonalds" or "I'm an architect" or "I like to knit" or "I enjoy tantric sex" or whatever YOU want to volunteer.
I find that I learn much more about a person by the way they listen, and what they choose to volunteer on their own. I'm always looking for the IDEAS behind your statements. By what you say and how you say it and why you say it. In the process of listening and trying to understand you I will always ask questions where I am unclear.
Getting to know you is the reason I'm talking to you. But I'm not so interested in the superficial things about you... where you work, what you do. I'm not sizing you up based on some predetermined criteria. I'm not checking you off against a list.
I'm just actually TALKING to you and THRILLED to be doing so. (Wow, she's paying attention to me! Sweet! I better keep talking or she'll walk away!)
If you're willing to extend that "getting to know you" process indefinitely, we can call it a relationship, and spend the rest of our lives learning to understanding each other. If you walk away in five minutes shaking your head, I will maybe write a song about it. The important part is that -- whether it lasted a lifetime or a few moments -- it was real. I didn't pretend. I didn't lie. I listened with interest and sought to understand you. And I tried to share my true self with you. | |
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| Lamentations...
Posted: 5/30/2007 11:45:17 PM |
Also, I don't know (nor do I want to) what "f2f within the first couple of weeks" might mean.
Yoodle. Don't read this next part. But anyone who DOES want to know what f2f means, read the next line:
f2f = face to face i.e. Meet in person | |
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| Johnny P
Posted: 6/1/2007 7:12:42 PM | Oh, I guess the pushy part and the pushy men part confused me
I'd think ppl would want to meet f2f if they found some rapport via email or phone conversation.
Thanks JP:P | |
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ddream
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Joined: 8/24/2006
Msg: 33 | |
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| f2f
Posted: 6/2/2007 12:17:14 PM |
I'd think ppl would want to meet f2f if they found some rapport via email or phone conversation.
I think he was just saying, (likely after many, many, many disappointing weeks of emailing, chatting, etc and never meeting) that some of us guys aren't looking to use this site as a way to screen out EVERYONE but our soul mate.
Some of us just want to see a picture we like, read a profile we like, exchange an email or two to see if there's any mutual interest... and then GO MEET IN PERSON.
We can decide much quicker in person whether we ever want to see this person again. That's why we meet them in a public place so they don't know where we live and can't easily abduct us.
The idea of spending weeks 'getting to know' someone (who could just be typing the things you want to read) just so that you can MEET them seems like a backfiring of the whole concept of internet dating.
We could email for MONTHS but we won't know if we "click" until we are staring each other in the face having a real conversation. Why waste all those months?
Just my 2 cents. You're welcome to wait 19 years before you meet someone online, but me, I don't have that kind of time. | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 6/2/2007 12:27:50 PM | | sounds like the guy is throwin a sob story at ya to make ya feel bad for him, although it is hard to get a conversation started when ur just meeting the person, its not like you can say "hey how abought those yankees" if he is tellin u his life but not asking any questions its ovios of what i stated before | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 6/2/2007 1:33:28 PM | i think he is lonely and has no one else to talk to and talk about his day with. you are just the receptacle to dump his troubles onto.
i have 'friends' like this....when i start sharing about my problems, they suddenly have to get off the phone. its a one way relationship, its not going to go anywhere or be satisfying to you. it will all be about me me me (i mean him).
something else to consider is that he has diarrhea of the mouth, is an incessant talker. he may dominate conversations, not sure. but you should try to outtalk him and see if he remains silent or constantly interrupts. just try to dominate him in conversation and see what happens...but don't share anything personal. talk current events or movies.
if he goes off on tangents in his own monologues and it doesn't seem to make any sense he may have schizophrenia. another one is narcisstic personality disorder....where the attention has to be on them constantly...and another one is borderline personality disorder where they invade your space, your boundaries, argumentative etc.
sometimes when guys ask questions its not because they are interested but rather to dominate. | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 6/2/2007 1:45:20 PM | interrupt him and change the topic
get the topic off of himself
talk on various subjects that require an opinion and see how he responds to you having your own mind and thoughts. does he insult you? namecall? insinuate? is he offended by your views and feels yours must be exactly like his? does he proceed to argue with you to get you to change your mind?
i am advising you to stay away from personal subjects because we don't yet know if he is psycho or has bad intentions yet. if you think he is psycho or has bad intentions, you have saved yourself the risks of him getting too close. | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 6/4/2007 7:10:19 AM |
In the past I've had guys volunteer all sorts of personal info about themselves ie. divorced, kids, custody arrangement and their personal feelings about their breakup and heartache
- and it was because the guy was interested in me and was just laying it all out for me to see if I'd be interested in him. Why do you volunteer negative information about your past? Is it not because you have been talking to a guy for a while, and everything is going great, but the minute he hears any negatives, he starts talking to your friend, or says he has to go home, and is talking to another woman in the bar a minute later?
But if a guy isn't asking me any questions - even when easy openings present themselves - doesn't that mean he's not interested in finding out about me? Why do you not ask questions of people? Don't you get nervous with someone you like, and find it scary to ask probing questions of them, in case you might offend them?
I used to ask a lot of questions, and then a few people told me to stop asking questions, as it was appropriate to make statements, and let people respond on their own. Looks like I was wrong, or it was only true about men in social situations.
If you want to go out with a Jay Leno type, by all means. But remember, Jay Leno makes a living at asking people questions, so he read books and interviewed hundreds of people. He talks to 3 different people every night. If you want to be interviewed for a job, this is a good idea. If you are looking for a guy to talk to for one night, and one night only, this is a very good idea.
But if you are looking for a long-term relationship, then this guy has dated hundreds of women, and only retains his skill by constant practise, dating to a new woman each night. He cannot afford to stay with you, or his skills will get rusty. So he will stay for a few nights at most.
I have loads of friends, and talk to them for hours, because there is no pressure. People have confided many things to me that no-one else knows. Yet I am rubbish at the initial contact. I get all nervous, and say the wrong things. So does that mean I am a great guy to go out with, and a rubbish first date? Sure. Does that mean loads of women would love to go out with a guy like me? Definitely, and many women have told me so. Does that mean that I get very few dates? Definitely, but the ones I do, want me to stay.
If you want sex, keep on with your attitude towards men and dating.
If you want a long-term relationship and decent treatment from a man, then cut the guys some slack, and don't assume you know anyone until you have got them to relax and be themselves. You will quickly find out that the good interviewers are more interested in themselves than you.
If you want an acid test:
1) Tell a guy something trivial very early on, like your favourite musician. Don't mention it for a while, and continue the conversation. Then ask him what his favourite musician is, wait for his answer and then ask if her remembers yours.
Most good interviewers will not remember what you said.
Most guys who are looking to charm you will tell you their favourite is the same as yours.
Most guys who are honest and interested in you will tell you their favourite, which will be very different to yours, and yet will still remember your favourite.
Good luck. Lol | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 6/4/2007 11:09:41 PM | In my opinion there are two main groups of guys that have this problem and it is a problem. #1 is the self centered "I'm the center of the universe type". He's trying to prove how wonderful life would be for you to have the honor of being the lesser half of. # 2 is the insecure and he is trying to get out all the bad now so you can run... he'll move on the the next woman until he finds the one that won't hold his shortcomings against him. That's my opinion & I'm sticking to it
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 6/5/2007 12:39:38 AM | I think a lot of guys do this as a way to try and impress you. Some guys feel the need to convince you that they are worthy of your time....kinda cute isn't it. If I meet a woman and I'm attracted to her and she seems interested, I'll rattle on for quite a while, and really give her a strong idea of who I am. That's how I roll.
Still it can be annoying. I say throw something out there. Something like "I like hockey" and if he runs with it he's trying to impress you. If he dismisses it he's a little full of himself. Also, what someone else here said made sense....some people just ramble when they're nervous......but that's kinda cute too isn't it. You keep making those boys nervous girlfriend. | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 6/5/2007 9:42:19 PM | *Guilty!*
I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I do this a lot, with girls that I talk to. It's not because I'm not interested, it's because I don't want to be offensive. I'm pretty blunt, and crass, and I generally try to rein it in when it comes to other people's personal lives. Some people get really offended at questions asked with no sinister purpose, and generally when I'm getting to know someone I try to be on good behaviour when it comes to their personal space. So, I usually wind up with the hum-drum "how was your day" and other generic questions about topics that I'm sure won't cause offense. Maybe it's more of a social handicap than a lack of interest? I can tell you it usually is in my case. =)
Cheerio!
J. | |
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timd15
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Joined: 5/24/2007
Msg: 48 | |
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| If a guy tells you all about himself, but doesn't ask any questions...
Posted: 6/6/2007 5:39:13 AM | I have always wanted to ask this question also. Someone will write me , usually very short email. So, now I feel it's up to me to start the ball rolling. I will tell him what I think (notice I said, what I think) is some pretty interesting things about me. Obviously he didn't think it interesting because he had no comments. So I also ask him somethings about himself. He is nice enough to answer my questions but asks none of me. After one more email from him, I will respond and say, "I'm sorry I'm not going to write anymore because I can't carry on a one sided conversation"
No response from men with questions makes not only myself but many other women feel that the man is simply not interested. Now, I 65 and the men that write are approx 58 to 68 and should have enuf sense and ages behind them to be mature, inquisitive and interested.
Any comments from any age men out there. | |
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