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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:14:59 PM | Good for U Ron. U are so right to stick to your values like that. If more people thought that way, we wouldn't need to have these online dating sites at all.
Monogamy seems to be a bad word these days for some. I'm still old fashioned too I guess. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/8/2007 10:28:30 PM | Monogamy seems to be a bad word these days for some. I'm still old fashioned too I guess.
I get the same feeling myself! The only way I'd answer the question, "why are people monogamous?", is to say that people aren't. And there seems to be something very "wrong" with you if you are, or if you want to be in a monogamous relationship (gasp!). Being monogamous now has almost the same stigma today that saying you were gay twenty years ago had. 
Personally, I think the concept of "Polyamory" is a load of bull. Just an excuse for swingers and those unfamiliar with true love to bring some meaning to the meaningless.
I could not agree more. But to each their own, I guess. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/8/2007 10:40:52 PM | Personally, I think the concept of "Polyamory" is a load of bull. Just an excuse for swingers and those unfamiliar with true love to bring some meaning to the meaningless.
I could not agree more.
I could not disagree more. But that's what I like about this place, even while I'm being dismissed as someone "unfamiliar" with "true love." Because I understand, in a funny way, where people who say such things are coming from. And have to smile, as a non-monogamus monogamist, who knows EXACTLY what "true love" is. You all can't take it away from me with your words. And I wish it for you all. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/8/2007 10:46:50 PM | I cannot profess to know what a "non-monogamous monogamist" is (sounds like a lot of doublespeak to me), but I realize that "polyamory" is very much alive and accepted, and becoming very much in vogue no less. If one finds "true love" through such a lifestyle choice, then so be it, I just know I certainly won't. I need trust, and also emotional and sexual security with someone before I feel I can be free to express myself completely with that person, and be who I really am. For me that means (among other things) that I am with someone who will not be with anyone else sexually while they are with me (and same applies to me of course!).
Different people have different needs in a long term relationship, and all I can say is I know mine. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/8/2007 11:12:11 PM |
I cannot profess to know what a "non-monogamous monogamist" is (sounds like a lot of doublespeak to me).
I concede, it does sound like doublespeak. I use it only in the context of these threads. I'm a person who has no moral/religious compulsion or preference toward monogamy, yet has been contentedly monogamous because of ... the only word I can think of is ... luck.
Now, a great friend, or maybe more, in the years before I die, is nothing to be sneered at. Friendship. Pleasure. Affection. Respect. Laughter. Intellectual stimulation. Maybe love. That's my polyamorous fantasy, now. How can that possibly hurt those who believe only in monogamy? I don't see how it does. But still, people seem offended and disgusted. What can I say? | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 1:33:36 AM | Mental connection/chemistry, communication, love, respect, trust, devotion, family, and the ultimate sex:
Having somebody on the same wavelength, who truly gets you, and you them.
Ability to communicate about anything, opening a part of yourself to each other without fear, that you cannot show anybody else. The one true person that will always truly listen and communicate, debate, and argue with you on any topic. A confidante in all things. A person that you can trust to always be honest with you and give you their valued opinion.
Love.
A person to make a family with, even if just a family of two. Somebody to grow old with and share your lives with each other.
Sexual experiences with the mental connection, being beyond mere physical pleasures. The ability to do anything with each other, make any request without embarrassment. Learning everything about each other and what best pleasures. Experimenting endlessly. Giving and taking equally. One person you can truly be romantic without holding back. No condoms and no fear of STDs.
G | |
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*Tee*
| | Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 186 | |
| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 2:58:10 AM | Regardless of the varying opinions to this thread, we are all individuals with different tastes, desires, and needs.
What one person requires to feel whole in a relationship, another person might not.
When I wrote my initial post, I was talking about ME (which btw Nick, I didn't appreciate you changing my words), and what I need in a relationship, in order for ME to feel totally fulfilled. That would mean total monogomy from both partners.
For some people, monogomy isn't the way to go. Arguing about whats right, and whats not right, and talking about wether or not we're like animals, is totally pointless. I may not agree with what others decide to do, or how others view relationships, but who am I to say thats wrong? Its wrong for ME, so I choose to live my life the way I feel I can be happiest with myself, and my partner.
In answer to the initial question of this thread.. I am monogomous because its what makes ME happy.. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 6:36:40 AM | When it comes to sex, I agree that sex is an act; however, individually we determine what we define this "act" to be and what it means to us.
My belief is that if you willing participate with multiple partners and the partners are fully aware of the circumstances they are choosing to participate in and agree, then how can you argue with that since everyone is in agreement. This may be your personal comfort level and if it works for you then that's great. My interpretation of this particular situation is that the parties are not willing to commit to a relationship and devote their energy towards nurturing a committed relationship, and each may want to have sex just for the physical release. This to me translates into a degree of emotional disconnect within these people; this does not mean that they do not care or respect the partners they're participating with, but they depth of the emotional intimate connection, IMO, is superficial.
Personally my view on sex is that it is not just an act, but an expression of your connectedness in relationship with a partner and very passionate way of sharing yourself on a deep emotionally intimate level. There is something about that connectedness and bond that two people share in a loving relationship that is far more fulfulling than just having sex to fulfill a physical desire. IMO, the physical act of sex without emotional connectedness is shallow, mechanical and meaningless. Through my own personal experiences, I know that I'm not capable of, nor willing not to allow myself, to not "feel" for my partner and sharing myself is just not a sexual act.
Our individual value system will differ from person to person and it is a personal choice on what we determine our value system to be for ourselves based upon our own emotional and mental needs/wants/desires that contribute to our own well being and health. We need to know what will work for us in any given situation and choose appropriately. | |
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Kengne
| | Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 188 | |
| because if and when I fall - I fall HARD
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:57:48 AM | i literally, canNOT see the forest for the Tree right in front of me. 
i mean yes i can see an attractive guy and admire his looks - but I do not desire or yearn after them. in a sense, the opposite sex becomes dead to me.
and that's really why i stay monogamous, along with all the other reasons (e.g. cheating is morrally wrong, bad karma etc...). the other reasons have been why i did NOT stray, in relationships were i was not in love with my s.o.
K. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 12:27:33 PM | | I think gnosis and tee pretty much express best, in words I could not find, the reasons I'm monogamous in a relationship. I suppose I should clarify that monogamy to me means that you are sexually faithful to the one you have decided to share your life with (and they have decided to do the same with you). And this is presumably a relationship that includes of course friendship, but goes way beyond it as well. | |
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| because if and when I fall - I fall HARD
Posted: 4/9/2007 12:34:19 PM | Kengne
along with all the other reasons (e.g. cheating is morrally wrong, bad karma etc...).
While I don't disagree with your beliefs, I do feel it important to say that it should be stated; that from 'your' point of view it is morally wrong, and will cause bad karma. If this isn't your belief then it isn't morally wrong and therefore won't bring on any sort of karma what so ever. If you can morally justify it for yourself, then it isn't morally wrong.
There are a lot of judgemental postings on here, and it should be noted that all have different points of view that are as good as each other, so phrases like 'be realistic' 'morally wrong' etc aren't really that helpful in keeping an exchange going without it turning into a slanging match. Just my extra 42 cents worth. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 12:47:10 PM | | There are plenty of examples of monogamous relationships in nature...... species that mate for life. Being monogamous requires a committment, an ability to feel confident in doing so. Cheating doesn't. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 1:13:33 PM |
There are plenty of examples of monogamous relationships in nature...... species that mate for life. Being monogamous requires a committment, an ability to feel confident in doing so. Cheating doesn't.
But if, as some have pointed out, it has been agreed upon and is known, then it isn't cheating is it? Cheating implies deception, but if all parties are agreed then there is no deception, hence no cheating. Polygamous / polyamoros (and all the other terms related) unions can't be called cheating. It's only cheating when one coomits to one other and then goes behind that one's back and lies. If, as others have said, one never states they are committed to only one, then where is the deception/cheating? (this so feel like deja vue!). | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 1:21:57 PM | | Respect for myself and my partner, the desire to remain disease-free, not wanting drama in my life....... | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 1:32:59 PM | I think people are monogamous because they are looking far beyond
pleasure alone,but also for a spiritual connection that has been created that
can only be shared by the two. For both have a disciplined and stable
mentality. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:27:17 PM |
When did this turn into a religious debate? Do the reasons for monogamy today differ from the reasons say, 4000 years ago? Does it really depend on what time period we are talking about to know why people are monogamous? If, for some reason, I don't believe in Christianity, does that change the reasons for monogamy?
I guess if you consider the reasons for monogamy to be based in religion, then this should be a religious debate. Does that mean people were not monogamous before organized religion? If so, is the reason for monogamy devoid of a biological basis?
Randominternetguy...If you were referring to my posts, I wasn't trying to argue for monogomy from a religious point of view, or from any POV at all. What I was saying in my first post (and my second post was a response to a response....) was that our (western society's) social "norms" are informed by our history, which includes (but isn't limited to) the history of Western European cultures united for centuries under the umbrella (and by the values and rituals) of the Roman Catholic Church, which in turn informed the values of the various Protestant Churches, and the societies in which both dominated for so long (and in some places do still). Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, I didn't and won't venture to say. But it's real.
Whether monogomy is "devoid of a biological basis" I for one couldn't say, but if forced to guess I'd say I kinda think it probably is (devoid of it I mean). I personally do think that the "reasons" for monogomy in the modern age are quite different from what they were when monogomy became the "ideal" principle guiding male-female relationships. I would bet that most people who want to live a monogomous lifestyle NOW have much more romantic reasons (reflected quite movingly in a number of the posts on this thread) for it than those guiding its insitutionalization in medieval European society, when death was so horribly and frequently present in daily life, men tended to outlive at least a couple of wives, most women died in childbirth or shortly after, and you could expect to lose a significant percentage of your many children in early childhood. And after all, Cinderella wasn't even invented yet. But that doesn't mean that the expectation in mainstream modern western culture of monogomous marriage (however diminishing that expectation may be, and however frequently it turns out to be an ideal rather than a reality) doesn't owe something (for good or for bad) to the history in which it BECAME mainstream.
What I'm saying is that rather than arguing for monogomy or ANYTHING from a religous point of view (and I never do that, btw), I was trying to offer a possible answer the question--"Why are people monogomous?"--without engaging with the the issue of whether or not it's the "best"--most moral, most virtuous, most fulfilling, whatever-- of all possible lifestyle choices. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:56:09 PM | I think that this monogamy vs non monogamy discussion has become way too messy and chaotic due to the fact that non-mopnogamy can mean a very wide range of other lifestyle and relationship and social choices, re companions, SOs, friends, lovers, etc.
To me, the main alternative to monogamous is "SINGLE" but not lonely or alone. It can mean having one or more lovers or even none. Mostly, IMO, non-monogamous means a society based on the individual adult (man or woman) as the main entity, rather than the couple (the "family"or "family unit" has long stopped being the main entity of the organisation of society). And in any case, a "responsible" adult, ie a "citizen". This has economic, tax, housing, investment, sexual, and other "social" implications.
The discussion of polygamy (and its history) has disoriented the discussion, IMO of course. And the discussion of polyamory has narrowed the discussion to the sphere of sexual and romantic connenctions, liaisons and "relations"/relationships, IMV.
My 2 cents | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:08:39 PM | | Because we can choose to be. We are, in fact, one of the very few species who can choose monogamy. It's because we can have sex whenever we choose, for one reason. There are other reasons, but I forget... | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:55:21 PM | I myself & same with my bf, Al believe in a monogamous relationship....We believe in honesty, open communication, trust, intimately w/one another.
My relationship with my bf, Al is quite important to me & I believe that my relationship is important to him too....
Everyone is willing to work out things to find the right person.... Spice up your life!
But my BF, Al & I are both lucky to have each other in our 3 month relationship.....
Good luck to everyone
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/10/2007 10:49:14 PM | Fishy, You dis my statement about true love and monogomy. Youre an admitted atheist? I read your profile and that explained alot of things. You were exactly right when you described yourself as "not normal". Although thats not anything to brag about .
I have to tell you I looked up true in the dictionary and it says true- personally faithful showing loyalty to another person. (note that says person not plural persons) We all know what love means. Therefore you are the one that is uninformed! You cannot be loyal to your husband if youre with another guy! It is also nothing to brag about if you have a husband and lover. Your husband is supposed to be your friend and lover. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/10/2007 11:13:08 PM | | laurelanna: My husband IS my friend and lover. My lover is too. Not sure how that is so difficult for you to grasp? Also, what exactly would I be BUT an "admitted atheist"? Good grief, am I supposed to lie about that? I am certainly not ashamed of my lack of religious beliefs. Trust me when I say that if "normal" is feeling the need to judge everyone by what you choose to do, then I am quite happy to be abnormal!! | |
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