| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:24:31 AM | | I to have a seven year old little girl aswell as a four year old and their father has little to no contact with them although the courts say he is to get them everyother weekend. I agreed to this concept so he would give me the full custody I requested and also because I knew the issue of him actually taking the girls for the weekend was realitivly non-existant. We, the father and myself have been apart now for about 2 and a half years and for the first little while because you aswell don't want your children to realize the hugh mistake you've made in choosing a father for them you compensate. You write Dad on Christmas Presents and make excuses for him when he's not there, you constantly state that he loves you very much and it's mommy that he's mad at. The day, has very recently come though, that after not talking to my children for over a month my oldest was sick and couldn't go to school, I was stuck and had no one to call yet I needed to go to work. So she called her dad and asked if he would look after her and in turn he stated "he was busy", I heard her say "never mind" and she hung up. I sat with her and hugged her and took the day off. As much as you don't want anything to hurt your children sometimes reality has to play a part and the truth even at the tender age of seven has to be known. I'm noticing that because of it my youngest doesn't ask for "Dad" near as much because maybe the oldest won't let her be hurt. Kids mature alot faster these days not that that's a good thing or they should have to it's just a result of our enviroment. Don't worry she's remembering everything including that you ARE there even when it's a hug to make things better. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/23/2007 8:02:38 AM | | I agree completely with you you never tell your kids your "dad" or "mom" is a jerk you just have to do the best you can for them and let them make up their own minds how they feel about the other parent. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/27/2007 12:37:29 PM | you don't. In time she will figure it out for herself. They are much smarter than we think. My daughters father never paid her no mind for years, but she still remembered him, i never spoke badly about him, ever. Then one day out of the blue in the car at 8 she blurted out my daddy sucks, i simply replied yeah I think so too. a little later in the evening she said " oh well he's the one missing out on all the fun stuff we do"
see, they know already, you don't need to say a peep | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/27/2007 2:05:25 PM | Most of it has been said.
We also went through something similar when the girls were younger. Silly me in those early years I bought presents and put his name. That phase did not last long as Dad was thought of as a "God" and I was the wicked witch.
There was a lot of anger/ resentment/dissappointment/sadness at times toward him, I listened and understood ,but informed them that this issue they will have to address with their Dad.
They figured it all out later, Dad is no longer "God" and any issues they have with him, they work it out with him. I still am the w.w. as say no and nag to do chores, LOL, it does get a little easier as they get older and can accept things.
Try not too sugar coat it or badmouth the father, confrontation with him did not help me any, your daughter is already seeing the reality she just does not want to accept it. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/27/2007 3:41:24 PM | As much as you would love to let your darling know how much you dis-like her father I agree she will resent you for it. In time she will learn it on her own and there will be no backlash towards you kids are smarter than we think she will slowly pick up on the lies and deception and eventually make a judgement for herself... | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/27/2007 5:32:36 PM | I have had the same problem with my x and my little girl.
It hurts doesn't it.
But unfortunatley they got to make there own minds up. I remember being young and my Mum and my brother slagging off my dad I hated them for it. But as I got older I realised what he is. Thats why I don't call him names in front of her (she's 8) because she worships him.
It has been like this for years and when he doesn't show for months on end she hates him to and I show her I am trying to contact him by ringing him in front of her and telling her either he's not answering or the phones off this may seem harsh for a girl so young, I don't know if that is the right thing to do but she nags me if I don't phone him when he is supposed to turn up.
When he does get back in contact I tell her he has phoned and ask her if she wants to see him.
I dont want to hide anything in case one day she turns round and says I stopped her seeing her dad.
Good luck its a hard one x | |
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dmagic
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Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 132 | |
| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:18:10 PM | I can hear your frustration, and empathize with you. And most likely you won't like some of the things I'm going to say here, but if you truly love your daughter and want what's best FOR HER than think about the following...
Whenever a parent says something mean, even if it is the truth, about the other parent, the child does not take in that information the same way the adult meant it to be taken. What the child hears is that there's something wrong with 1/2 of them because that child, like it or not, is made up from BOTH parents. This is especially true the younger the child is...they cannot understand things the same way adults can. So when a parent says something rotten about the other parent, they are actually hurting their child's feelings...even if the child is not brave enough or old enough to tell the parent.
Children are by no means stupid, and they notice more than adults give them credit for. Your daughter will figure out all by herself what kind of a person her dad is, without your help. And do you REALLY want to give her even one reason to hate you for the relationship between herself and her father for not working? It will be oh so much easier for her (or him) to blame you for making things difficult between the two of them instead of biting your tongue and giving him enough rope to hang himself...all by himself. When you feel like saying something off color about your ex, ask yourself if it would hurt the one you should love most - your daughter. And if you do make the comment, will you be able to look yourself and your adult daughter in the face and say that you did the best you could to always support that relationship...unless he's physically or mentally abusive to your daughter (not buying her things doesn't count).
It would do both yourself and your daughter good if you had a decent counselor to vent to and to support you in your struggles. You are clearly furious with your ex, but are in danger of doing emotional harm to yourself and possibly your daughter if you allow this anger to eat you up. You're also giving all of your personal power away to this man who is still ruling your life through anger...take your power back!
Best wishes and best of luck...from a fellow mom. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:48:03 PM | | My sons are 11 and 8, and I make it a point to NEVER bad-mouth either my ex or her new hubby, who basicly is a Cave Troll! They figure it out for themselves. All you can do is teach them right from wrong, and hope for the best! | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/27/2007 10:02:54 PM | I've been separated for 4 years and in that time my ex has seen the kids a total of maybe 8 or 10 times, none of that in the past 2.5 years. And in these past 2.5 years, they have gotten nothing from him, no phone calls, no birthday cards...nothing. I refuse to speak badly of him to my kids though. I certainly don't praise him, but even though he is a jerk, I will never tell them that. I just use the usual *daddy is working through some issues right now, I know he loves you, he just needs to straighten out his life before he can be ready to come back and be the great daddy you deserve. It has NOTHING to do with you!*
My son never asks about him, he doesn't remember him. My daughter on the other hand was 2 when we separated and was daddy's little girl. She asks about him less now, but she never forgets him and I know it hurts her to not have him around. I just can't imagine not being with my kids, I don't know how he can do that. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/29/2007 12:52:34 PM | I know this post is a little late sorry about that
Your problem is not what you should say to your Daughter ,it is how can you get it through to your ex how much he is dissapointing her , I have never realy understood how any father could look into there childs eyes & continualy see that look of disappointment.
He needs to be told some home truths .
All the best
Paul | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/29/2007 6:19:59 PM | | Easy just say sweety some day when daddy growes up he will be a man.But maybe you will become a woman first.All men are not like this take me im perfect i know men are jerks and i try not to be one.So i move to the head of the class. End of chapter. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/29/2007 7:04:46 PM | It's very tough.
My eldest son used to ask why his father wasn't around and while I was tempted to say "he doesn't care" I always tried to say something positive like "he likes spending time by himself".
Once my son stated that when he was older he'd like to live by himself too just like his dad... it broke my heart... so I tried to make him see how happy we are as a family (me, him, his brother, and sisters).
My advice to you is talk to your daughter and not her father. Tell her that yes, some people do break promises but you are not one of them because you realize how much it hurts when someone breaks a promise.
She will eventually see him for who he is so just be prepared to have her come crying into your arms. Be there to comfort her. Acknowledge her feelings. And if she tries to take it out on you and say it's your fault, just let it slide, you know the truth, so don't let it get to you... deep down she knows that you are the one that is there for her. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/30/2007 3:23:18 AM | | hi hunny, your story rang so very many alarms bells for me, i am too in the same boat as yourself, and yes my daughters father walked out on her and me when she was six, i too confronted HIM countless times no money no presents no cards NOTHING you know shes eleven in a couple of weeks, and i too went through the silent screaming in my head when he had let her down but you know what hunny theres nothing you can do, your ex like mine, is a complete an utter selfish pig who thinks of noone but himself i wud use stronger language but i doubt they would approve on here lol, what you have to do is get used to smiling at her when he has done it again to her and keepin up with the charade of sayin to her "he must be busy sweetheart "or something to that description, and you know it will pay off in the end, honestly it will as now my little star has turned to me and said to me "you know what mum when he dares to to come to my house again i am gonna tell him straight i dont want nothing more to do with him," and you know what sweet, that will hurt them more, so you carry on bein there for your little star because in the end she will know who has been there for her all this time and she will suprise you one day like mine did, and you will quietly smile to yourself , knowing that she sussed that one out for herself, good luck hunny from a friend who definatly knows xxxneesiexxx | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/5/2007 6:27:32 AM | | It's a bad idea to alienate children from the other parent. He's a jerk is your opinion but it might not be the opinion of the child. I have wanted to on more than one occasion tell my son about the type of person his mother is and how she parents is incompetent but unlike her, I'll take the high road and be the bigger person. When you are an adult, you shouldn't engage your children in immature games some parents play. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:00:01 PM | | you don't tell her he's a jerk, if he truely is she will find out his true colours in her own time after being let down time and time again, and if you do tell her she will just resent you, unfortunately we have to put up with these kinds of situations as parents, the best you can do is to be there for her every time he lets her down then at least she will learn that she has you to support her, | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:18:04 PM | You don't. I think the biggest mistake divorced parents make is feeling it is their responsibility to tell the child(ren) what the other parent is like. Don't get me wrong...your ex sounds like a jerk. But that is besides the point. Our children are 1/2 us and 1/2 our ex. If they don't like one of their parents, at some level they won't like themselves. It is your fault (as it was my fault with my ex) you picked an ass to reproduce with and now your child suffers as a result of your (and my) bad choice.
My advice is to NOT make excuses but to help give your child coping strategies to deal with a parent that is unreliable and use it as a lesson in life. I might say something to my daughter like "Honey I am really sorry that your Daddy didn't keep his promise. Sometimes good people don't do what they should." I would communicate to my ex what our child said but I would do it more matter of factly and not dripping with sarcasm and reproach. Ultimately you cannot control what others do but you can control how you react to it. Your child will learn over time (unfortunately with some pain) what they can expect from their parents. You need to help your child to honor whatever they do get from the father and let go of the rest. We can't protect our kids from life or the world and to some extent we shouldn't try. We should give them the skills to help them cope with good and bad. Fair and unfair.
You can blame your ex all you want but it is largely your fault. You picked the jerk. Deal with it and be the best parent you can be given the crappy circumstances and know that if you help your child to hate her father at some level she will hate herself. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:33:49 PM | I share custody of my 5 year old son half the time, and I wouldn't have it any other way, well unless I could have full custody of course, but for now all is great. I get along very well with his mom and we discuss everything concerning him and my 16 year old step-daughter as well.
Cutting Dad or Mom down is for sure not a good thing. But maybe talking with the her father, you may find out that he is having some financial crisis, and the only thing he can afford is his time on special occasions, and he should be more creative, like making her a card, or a hand written storey to read to her before bed. Now if you found out he was have a financial problem, there are dollar stores that kids just love to shop at, great suggestion for him, or even for YOU mom to yeah, fork out the $1.oo gift for your daughter and sign it from DAD. I would do anything to keep my child happy and stop them from having a bad outlook on life, not believing in promises, or thinking that Lies are common so get use to it. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:20:39 PM | | Here's the answer: You don't. What you do is be the best possible mom you can be. Focus your energy on that, and your daughter will be just fine. Tell her that YOU will always be there to love and support her, and talk to her often, about anything she wants to. She will learn to open up to you completely. She will realize when she's an adult that you provided her with a loving home, and she will be able to draw her own conclusions about her dad. Stay a great mom, and remember, there are people out there that have infinite respect for great single parents... | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:33:03 PM | Living proof.
My mother and father divorced when I was five. My father never said anything bad or negative about my mother....Ever. My mother on the other hand filled my ear with every single negative thing she could think of (or make up) every chance she got. It caused alot of confrontations with my mother and I began to hate her for it.
The point is in my mother's attempt to lessen the bond between my father and I by telling me all the negative things about him...it only drew us closer and actually had a reverse effect. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/7/2007 8:15:08 PM | Please dont tell her anything let her find out on her own as she gets older if you tell her it will backfire in your face later on .Let her make up her own mind about her father.
You just be there when she needs you thats your job right.I know he will likely def. hurt her but if your there to bring her back up when he brings her down she will know who is who and what is what. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/7/2007 9:20:50 PM | [ I probably have scars on my tongue from all the times I have bitten it, lol... but trust me, they figure it out eventually... you don't have to say a word]
Man now that quote I had to save as that is what I have done many many times, and I agree I think in time they will sadly figure it out .They shouldn't have to .but thats how the story goes sometimes. Some think all us ex's are ****es...I just said to mine recently ..if I was a ****..then why havn't I taken your butt to court??? I perfer to work with them for the kids sake..they are the ones that suffer if the parents fight and that I try to avoid ..not saying its always possible..But yes in the end...we have to bite our tongues for the kids sake ...we choose to have children with these men so we cant blame the kids for loving dad!!! So in the end... no,we dont tell them dad's a jerk!!! I like what you had to say sassyaquarius, thanks for sharing! | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:08:32 PM | My kids have went through the same thing with their Father;however I realised that the reason that he may be treating the kids this way is because he resents me and wants to tick me off. That used to work, but now I am calm,cool and collect.
NEVER TELL YOUR CHILD THEIR FATHER/MOTHER IS A JERK!
That's just ignorant. A child's self-esteem is directly related to their parents.
What ever happened to people being grateful for what they have?
By focusing on what the parent didn't do rather than what he did do (visit her/spend time with her) you are teaching her to be ungrateful. Who really cares if he bought her a piece of chocolate that isn't good for her anyways.The fact is he spent time with her, who are you to cause a deteriorization of the relationship between a parent and child over some materialistic shit? You need to realize that we cannot control everything another does. I can't control my ex, only he can. If he hurts his child's feelings, he is the one causing problems in their relationship. And the key word is THEIR relationship, not yours. He will have to deal with the seeds he's sown, not you...unless you involve yourself as you are. Children hate to see their parents fight...it breaks their tiny hearts.
Anyways, I'm not trying to be rude. I know it sucks and can be really hard being a single parent, but there is always a bright side to everything.Find the positive in your ex, and he will hopefully take pride in the good things he does.
Take care. | |
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