| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/15/2007 5:53:46 AM | in answer to the original question, YOU DONT - under NO circumstances with a child that age.
you are talking about poisoning the mind of a child against his father with your own venom....
my ex is a fruitloop and needs a personality transplant, but I NEVER EvER try to turn my child against her mother. I have my thoughts as Ive previously stated but they are MINE, I wont stop my daughter from having a healthy relationship with her mum (unless I found she was harming her) and I will not poison my daughters mind against her mother regardless of my opinions. I expect the same in return but only time will tell if that happens. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/15/2007 6:27:58 AM | | know how you feel my twin 5 year old boys mom didnt even get them a birthday card an promises them to see them an dont show last time she seen them was june 5th but it is hard they jus tell her on the phone they will meet her in there dreams but as far as telling them moms a jerk jus makes it worse now l jus dont tell them there moms comming to visit even though she lives a mile away its hard all all. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/15/2007 6:44:26 AM | I am with Sassy....
Taking the high road is the only worthwhile thing to do.
Anything else certainly seems bitter - too not only will your daughter take that with her, but you give the ex, etc... a reason to do similarly as well (i.e. you are the one saying bad things...).
Encourage her to ask her dad. Tough I know, but they can see for themselves then.
Too, let the dad look in her eyes and tell her as opposed to telling you - might be somewhat tougher to do. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:20:33 AM | Frightening, it's almost like I posted the original question.
I have the same situation with my children's father. He had neither seen nor contacted them since Christmas and he called for our 7-year olds birthday a few months ago. They spoke and he promised to mail her gift. Then he hung up. I had to actually call him back and ask him to speak to my our younger daughter because she was crying.
No word from him for another month. Then he called on our younger daughter's birthday. My oldest turned to me and said, "Mom, can I?" and I said "You sure can, Honey!"
She got on the phone and blasted him. She asked straight out where her present was. I couldn't have been prouder. I too have scars on my tongue from biting back honest yet opinionated responses to the questions my daughters' ask about their father's erratic behavior. I refuse to bad mouth him for many of the reasons I've seen here in this thread. They are children, they don't need to know the details....let them have that unconditional love that only the innocent can experience.
It may kill those of us who are trying desperately to raise our children the best we can with little or no positive influence from a co-parent, but in the long run........my hope is that they understand why so many questions to me were answered with, "I don't know, Honey...maybe Daddy is just going through a difficult time."
I know I made some of you chuckle just now. Difficult time my butt! Talk about skewing reality for the sake of the cause.
Rest secure in the knowledge that many of us know how you feel and you can vent to us anytime you want!
Good luck! | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/21/2007 3:37:47 AM | My heart goes out to the original poster. If I were her, I would let my ex's actions speak for themselves. I would say that some people just don't know how to be a Daddy. I would not stick up for him since it would promote a strong association that poor treatment from men as a sign that they care. I would also avoid trashing him to her. Let her vent her feelings. If you could get her to see a counselor that would be ideal. If finances are an issue, there is often counseling available for a very reduced rate and possibly free.  | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:11:21 AM | Assuming dad afford a gift of some size, I would talk to him and simply state that when he comes to a function where a gift for his daughter is normal and appropriate, she loves him and gets quite hurt when arrives empty handed. His lack of effort translates to her that he doesn't care and this hurts her. Children like to brag re what their absentee parent got for them. Its like they are saying "see, he does love me." He is probably doing it to upset you which of course is exactly what is happening. He is using yr daughter as a pawn....don't turn the car around & go back to his place, ,,he pulled your string and you went.
Perhaps since he repeatedly hurts her re no gift, he shouldnt come to any functions unless he has his gift with him that day. Her birthday for instance would be better and she & he could have their own get together another day. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/21/2007 7:50:15 AM | | you need to get over your resentment of him and his actions. im with the posters tellin you, not to tell your daughter. She will figure it out all on her own. I would limit the contact he has with her, i.e. the promises of gifts and outings. Your job is to shield her from the negative, and reinforce that he does in fact love her and has some things he has to work out. doenst seem like confronting him is going to do much good either. kids have the right to all parts of their family, they have the right to arrive at their own conclusions about these ppl without anyone elses agendas or considerations. instead of telling her how lousy her father is,, put in her life, positive male adult models so she has something to compare him to as she grows and matures into the realization that her dad is who he is. If you are that worried about your daughters reactions to his dissapointments, then perhaps you should involve a professional counselor to help her sort out her thoughts on the matter. after all , we are talking about a 7 yr old, and you are proposing to tell her some real adult stuff here.. perspective please. If you spill the beans, you are injecting your own agenda and disappointments about the matter. which is essentially you making up her mind for her about her father. you dont have the right to do that. You are right to say this little sweet girl deserves better, and she does,,, this guy ( her father) isnt gonna be that, so find men who will shower her with love and attention, perhaps your brothers, cousins, friends, etc.. the men who she looks up to now, will have a lasting impact on the types of men she will choose to have relationships with in her adult life. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 183 | |
| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:01:07 PM | Yup i agree.
Keep your opinions to yourself.
Your child will learn about her dad as she grows up. She does not need you influencing her and hearing you bad talk him. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/21/2007 5:08:15 PM | | You don't need to tell her that her dad is a jerk beleave it or not she will find that out for her self and she might even want to stop going to his house.She will see it all for her self I know because my daughter went through the same thing and she made the chose on her own that she didn't want to see him anymore.The only thing you need to do is be there for her and support her and listen to her and stand by her in what she wants to do it will be ok. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/21/2007 9:37:59 PM | | Next time it happens I'd just say - you go now otherwise you won't see her. He really is a jerk, and there is no excuse for hurting the kid like he does | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/22/2007 2:12:43 PM | You don't tell her anything like that.
My mom told us over and over that our dad loved us and was doing the best he could. She never spoke bad of him to us. Through the years he turned us against himself. Kids are not stupid. They know who cares and who does for them. It is hard to keep quiet and know that your child is being hurt. But pain stops and then the kid realizes that you are the one who cared and dad was never there.
At 16 my dad told me that " your mother turned you girls against me" I looked him in the eye and replied " she didn't have to. You did that all on your own."
He always made promises he never kept and most of the time he never showed on his weekend. Just try to hang in there. If you give him enough rope he will hang himself
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/22/2007 6:47:18 PM | I think that it's NEVER a good idea to talk bad about anyone's Momma or Daddy!!!
No good can come of it! NONE!
Just don't let her think it's her fault. I think it would be ok to say something like," It was wrong of your Daddy to tell you he would take you, and then not come. I'm sure he will try to do better!"
Like many have said here... eventually they figure it out for themselves, AND they won't have any hostility toward YOU for having talked bad about somebody that is important to them. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 7/23/2007 12:31:54 PM | | Just remember that person that you think is a jerk. well is half of her.. and that is you telling her she is half a jerk.. i know that isn't what you want to bring across. even as she gets older if she starts saying it.. just nod and say you really think so? when someone tells you bad things about yourself and often well it imprints on your soul and makes an impression on their little souls.. think before you speek and remember every thing they are, are both of you. it took two of you to make them...just love her and say i am not sure why dad doesn't pull through. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/12/2007 7:07:01 PM | Been there...extremely tough spot to be in...
You can't lie/make excuses to her for all kinds of reasons, the most obvious being:
* lying sets her up for even more dissapointment
* sooner or later she will figure out that he's a jerk, and then she will be pissed at
YOU for setting her up over and over and over again
* you remove any chance she has of learning to cope with 'the jerk'
* it forbids her permission to be pissed at him when she has a right to be
* it makes her wonder whether she's wrong/crazy/unimportant when she does get
mad, and winds up setting her up as the perfect patsy for abusive relationships
when she's older.
* it could actually put her in danger (my ex was a truly bad man)
You can't state it baldly or bad-mouth him because:
* it hurts her...you tell her 'he's a jerk' and she thinks "Gee...am I half jerk?"
* she may think YOU are wrong or somehow mistaken...she loves her father, and
craves his love in return...it's really hard to give up on something you want so
badly, and she could wind up pissed at you
* she's just not old enough to understand that it's possible that the person that's
supposed to love and take care of you doesn't or can't do it properly - it just plain won't compute
* she's not your freind, she's your kid...and can't help you cope with your anger. (had to remind myself of this little tidbit once or twice...when you vent in front of her that's what you are asking for...you are the mom, the adult, and you have to act like it)
The way I handled it was to answer my son's questions honestly, giving him only as much info as he could handle/understand. If he asked for details I didn't believe he was ready for I said so, and told him I'd share when he was older. When he figured some things out and asked point blank, I confirmed it. As he got older, he got more details about what happened...and those conversations also opened the door to telling him that just because his father was like that didn't mean he was. I was honest with my anger as well, without beating him over the head with it (ie: "I'm mad that your dad didn't call you back; I don't like it when someone hurts your feelings" "I'm angry that your sister has nightmares, no one should have to be so afraid").
He was allowed to express all his feelings about his father, good and bad, and I did my best to validate them either way. It was hard - there were times the poor kid was just hurting so bad that it seemed like a little white lie was just the thing, and other times that I wanted to lay it all out chapter and verse soooo badly that I could taste it. It was a real tightrope, but it seems to have paid off - my son is almost 14 and knows exactly who the real pr!ck is. Our relationship is intact (and pretty damn good) and I'm convinced it's because he's had the chance to decide for himself how he feels and what to do about it.
Best of luck - and feel free to shoot me an email if you want. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 6:56:48 AM | | IMHO saying negative things about exes to our kids just causes the kids to be angry with us. If a parent is a jerk kids will figure it out for themselves eventually. All we can do is try to protect them from some of the bigger hurts such jerks are sure to inflict. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 9:28:58 AM | You dont ever tell your child that her father is an idiot. NEVER EVER!!! your feelings are not vaild when it comes to your child, the child will make their own assumptions on their NCP and that will be just fine. You are to make every attempt to keep the open relationship going for that child and NCP. I NEVER speak ill of my ex around my daughter, it is none of her concern. I really never speak ill of him anyways, I have no regrets or resents towards him anyways. Also I treat him with the same respect I deserve! I make all the attempts to keep a civil open relationship btwn him and our daughter, I send pictures, cards, etc to him and it is then in HIS ballpark if he's going to contact her. Dont fight with him or give him the satisfaction of that either..then he thinks he wins..no-one will win, the child will loose!
Good Luck, it takes a while to get to this point in your life/relationship but when you get there..its SO worth it! Sometimes the fight is just not worth it. and the child does NOT need to know this! | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 9:43:55 AM | | you dont ever tell her that, she will grow and realize that all on her own......dont make excuses for him,just let her know that you are there for her....thats all you can do.... | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 11:16:09 AM | | You dont tell your kids their father is a jerk.....my boys father has been intheir life for all of about 4 months out of 7.5 years but he is now in prison and will be until my lil one is 22......i let them know where he is and why hes there, my oldest remembers the fights and knows hes not such a great guy....my lil one doesnt remember him at all.....let her form her own opinion of her dad......children have this amazing thing that i still dont understand.......its called unconditional love......i think mines broken......but if you dont give her a chance to find out on her own that hes an ass then she may really hate you when she does finally get to form her own opinion........just a thought from someone going thru it too | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 11:19:59 AM | | Simple- YOU DON'T. She'll find out for herself and not be abgry at you for trying to make him look bad. Although you want to do this for what you think are the right reasons and you are tired of making excuses for him and watching your little girl cry, all you do is give him the ability to become a hero and you the wicked witch by proving you wrong one time and doing what he says he is going to do. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 5:21:06 PM | I'm with the majority on this one - My 11 year old has never seen his 'father'. But, he's never heard a negative word from me on it. When he's asked what happened I've replied in more detail over the years, but always stressing how much I wanted him from day one.  I want my son to be a good father and talking trash about a man that's out of our lives won't accomplish that.
I'm sure it's hard for people that have contact with exes that constantly disappoint their children - a co-worker is going through it now. But, the high road is the one to take. Eventually, they figure it out on their own. I did with my mom when my dad won custody and I respect the hell out of him for not trashing her when he could. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 7:03:13 PM | | That is one thing I never want to hear, "you never let me" see him/her. Nope the door is always open, the phone is always available, mailbox is always empty etc. I make this possible because in the long run SHE will know who was here for her and who wasnt. but its not about who was/wasnt..he loves her and thats the important thing, I know he does he just has a crappy way of showing it. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 7:49:55 PM | | DON'T tell her he's a jerk, that will most likely backfire, and she just might end up resenting you. Kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for, if he's a jerk as you say, she'll figure that out on her own. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 8/13/2007 8:07:57 PM | | You don't have to say anything. When she asks, just say you don't know why he does it. Your ex sounds exactly like mine. He doesn't spend any time with them on his weekends and breaks promise after promise. I've never spoken badly about him in front of the kids, but they see it for themselves. Whenever he does something (or doesn't do something) that hurts them, I just tell them, "that's ok, that's what Mommy's here for" and I simply pick up the slack and keep the promises myself. Now, they are the one's that tell me he's a jerk without me saying a word, and they're only 5 and 7. Children are smarter than most people give them credit for, they can figure it out. They now know that I am the one they can rely on and we have a closer relationship for it. I know it's hard, but in the end, you're the one she will respect. | |
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