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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/10/2007 10:07:55 PM | Lyrical girl-children do not need a biological dad who has not been in their life for 7 years?
You could not be more wrong-i know one guy at my Uni who met his dad for the first time when he was 20-and he was delighted to meet him and wished he could have been in his life earlier-even if it was when he was 7 years old.
It is NEVER too late to begin being a father to a child-kids who are 7 years old cannot rememeber all the previous 7 years as clearly as adults -but all children want to know their mothers-and their fathers.
You are completely wrong to say a child does not need their real father-if he has missed out on several years (through his choice) -it doesnt matter how long he has missed-a child still wants to know his or her dad-part of a kid's idnetity is shaped by their parents and a father is one half of a child's family
If not-how do you explain the fact some children who have never met their dad-when they are grown up go and try to find their fathers-and even cry at their fathers grave-if he dies before they have had the chance to meet him? I have seen this very thing happening.
It may not be important to the mother-YOU may not need the father (youre ex-partner) for anything, YOU may be completely independent-and able to bring up the child without the fathers help, and pay all the bills without the fathers Child-support payments-YOU may not need the father around,BUT the child needs their father -and one day, whenever that day comes, the child will want to know Dad-because all children do.
I wish Lyrical girl (who thinks kids abandoned by their parents dont need that parent)could meet the old lady who lives across from us-she was adopted as a kid-hated her foster parents-had a rotten background. She later found out her real mother had abandoned her as a child and given her up for adoption because she was a "mistake". Her mother had never bothered to contact her, even as an adult, to find out how she was-never even bought her a single thing in her life.
Yet this woman STILL spent time, and money, tracking down her real mother and, eventually (with my fathers help) tracked her down to Northern Ireland-and is now building a relationship with her. And has forgiven her for abandoning her as a kid. She felt her biological mother was part of her identity-and she always wished she could have met her mum when she was younger-even for just a few hours-even if it was not untill she was seven years old-or ten years old-it would have been better than nothing.
It is NEVER too late for a child to know her father or mother-and every kid deserves that chance-the younger the better.
If this dad to a 7-year-old wants to start again he should be allowed to-you are absolutely correct Sweetesthang. The child is still young there is more time to start again now than there would be if you left it later and the girl was an adult before she met him.
I can hardly remember anything that happened before i was 7 years old-so this child will have lots of memories of the time with her Dad as an adult if she starts to build a relationship with him now-and will have forgotten all the years he wasnt there for her-which will be less painful for her-than having to find him as an adult-and remembering a whole childhood without him.
After all-what adult can really remember who changed their diapers when they were 2 years old?
And she WILL try and find her real dad as an adult-the vast majority of kids do-even adopted ones.
Even worse you, the mother can justify it to youre kid when she finds out she has never met her dad-IF the dad didnt want to be involved. BUT if the kid finds out as an adult that the dad DID want to be involved -even if it was only when they were 7 years old-and the mother did not let him-that child will blame the mother and end up hating her-it frequently happens.
Put simply-neither the child nor the mother can choose who that child's parents are-but every child has a need for their real father-and every child-whatever kind of a person their father is-deserves a chance to know and build a bond with that father-like it or lump it, he is as much a part of that kid's identity as the mother.
And deep down every kid knows it. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/10/2007 11:21:41 PM | Between a husband and wife are too many secrets, I have never heard a man or a woman recognizing their own faults, why some people make it seems like a serious gender war between the father and the mother.
If this father has disappeared for 7 years witch very wrong, a great mother should give him an opportunity to be heard, if he can demonstrate that he is a responsible man and has all the abilities to parent his child why not to get access to his daughter, I strongly believe he should be given his last chance, if he maybe be a risk for the child, the mother has total right to protect her child, family law is very clear in this matter.
Stop guys making it sounds like a battle between men and women, I love my mother, I love my sister, I love my only one son and I would love to have a daughter to teach her how she can be a great mother.
Let’s love beat the hostility | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:21:43 AM | My daughter is 3 1/2. She started asking about her dad when she was 2. I had pics that I showed her. Six months ago, I saw him working across the street from where we live. I watched him for about a week trying to figure out what to do. The first thing I did was report where he was working lol. After much thought, I decided the second thing to do was to point him out to her and let her watch him for awhile. I couldn't decide whether I should let them meet or not. I finally realized that as much as I would like to protect her, I can't. The best I can do is help her learn how to handle or cope with whatever situation occurs...good or bad. So, I finally said hello. He visited for a few weeks, and then he started breaking promises he had made to her. I haven't heard from him in three months. She still talks about him fondly and I have tried to help her talk about her feelings and help her understand his behavior. I really think that's all you can do whether it's about their dad or any other person/event in their life. That's what helps them deal with situations when they are grown. I think I still did the right thing even though it didn't work out very well. She is no longer curious and I am hoping it will prevent an angry teenager from seeking out her father in the future...and being disappointed when her expectations are too high. He is real now.
I hope this helps. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 1:32:53 AM | | I had one more thing to add. Before I showed my daughter who her dad was, I posed a question...if you had the chance to see your dad, would you want to? Her response was "Oh, yes!" So I asked her what she would want to say and what she thought he would say to her. She told me she would tell him that she loved him and that he would tell her that he loved her too. It really made my decision easy. Maybe it would help if you asked your daughter the same questions? | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 2:22:02 AM | Well i think that you should give him the chance to get back into his little girls life he'll always be her dad no matter what you two are going through the kids or kid shouldn't have to suffer because of you two beening kids you guys should grow up go out some where and talk to him and give him the chance and whan the little one grows up she'll want to now who her dad is thats doesn't mean that you don't like it but the little girl doesn't have to hate him ya it was stupid of him to go live with another girl after two months after she was born he had made a mistake how old is he is he older then you or younger? now and to answer the q about if he can do that by law he has the right to unliss he had giving up his right to he has to sign a peice off docment to give up his rights to the kid did he sign the birth papers when you had your baby girl? if so then he has the right and if he didn't then thats a deferent story then he'll have no rights so try to talk it over with him and ask him why does he wants. Maybe he got scared he didn't know how to handle beening a father right away did you two plan beening parents? well thats all  | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 5:34:46 AM |
but every child has a need for their real father
We will agree to disagree, we both have opinions and feelings on this - there was already a thread on this, and I am of the opinion a child does not "need" their biological father to live a successful life, and certainly if they are happy, will not all of a sudden feel some void in their life because of it. The kid is not "suffering" because this guy has not been around, but there uis a great chance it will if this guy comes around.
That's a lot of excuses for some guy who willingly left his child. I can't believe how many people are saying "oops he just made a little mistake". He walked out on his family and has not seen his own child for 7 years. I would not want someone like that in our life and know my child would have happier life without someone like that in it.
I think he already had his last chance. I have a daughter who is 9, and cannot imagine some stranger disrupting her life, causing her pain and hurt, and breaking promises, not to mention forcing her to spend some with some guy who has proven what type of person he is. In my opinion, my job as her mother in this situation is to what is best for HER, and that means keeping people like that away, continuing the choice he made years earlier.
How many chances to you give someone before you do the right thing and protect your child??? | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 6:30:45 AM | Lyrical girl-you say kids who are happy will not feel a void in their life when they are older-without a father who wasnt there for them. But you are quite wrong here-there are many very well-adjusted adults with great careers and lives who later embark on journeys to find one parent (father or mother) who abandoned them as a kid-because psychological research has conclusively shown children feel part of their identity is tied to "where they came from" ie their biological parents.
It is not just kids from single mums-studies focused on children who had a mother and a step-father and found, even when the stepfather was a very good Dad (and much more loving and attentive than the child's real father who hadn't shown up in their lives) the child still often expressed a wish to meet their real dad-and many very comitted step-fathers felt the child still did not show them ennough respect because the child knew, whatever the stepfather did, he was not the real dad.
In fact children often blame the step-father for trying to "replace" the dad-and irrationally blame the step-dad for having "taken away" the kid's real dad-even though it may have been the real dad who in fact abandoned the mother and left her for someone else in the first place.
As for giving the dad another chance-i repeat it is not about the Dad-it is about giving the child (for whom you are making the decisions) another chance to know their dad-not the other way around.
You ask how many chances should he be given-did you not read Joopiter's last post?
She did not ask herself how many chances the dad should be given-she asked her DAUGHTER-"would she like another "chance to meet her Dad". and the daughter replied "oh yes". Because even though her dad had abandoned her she wanted to meet him-because kids STILL want their real parents and no amount of abandonement can seem to put them off-because as the psychologists say a child feels a strong bond towards a natural parent as a part of their being.
Indeed studies into our senses and the Emapthy side of our brain have found something astonishing-some adults who had never met their mother or father, when put in the same room with their real parent, without realising it was their real parents-automatically felt a connection with that person-almost as if their intuition was telling them it was their father or mother.
Some older people spend their whole lives looking for that parent-and even if they only ever finally get to meet that person for an hour in some cafe, somewhere-it is all worth it for them. I know very contented, and well-adjusted people who have still searched very hard for that one parent-because it was an ambition to one day find their real father or mother.
So you could not be more wrong when you say kids dont need another chance-when the father has abandoned them before. The kid will appreciate you having given them the CHANCE to know their father-even if that father walks out on them again-at least you can tell youre child you tried and at lest the kid and the dad have had another chance to make it work.
And Lyrical girl said she did not want a "stranger" walking into her kid's life-the problem is a father is not a stranger to a kid-because a father is where that child came from and is therefore part of his identity-have you not heard how painful it often is for kids to grow up and realise the man they thought of as "daddy" was not their real dad?
If-as you suggest-biology doesnt matter, just good parenting , whoever the parent is-then how do you explain that?
I have heard of may cases where dedicated step-dads had to one day "break the news" to the child and it was very confusing and hurtful.
I think Lyrical's problem is she underestimates how important it is to a kid to have met their biological parent-even if he wasnt all the kid expected, even if he turned out to be a loser, even if he did not buy enough diapers or contribute enough child-support, most kids would rather have spent just an hour of quality time with their dad-than not have ever done so, because he did not help or change enough diapers when they were younger.
To a sngle mother or single father-this may seem like a good enough excuse to cut the other parent out of the child's life for good-because he did not contribute financially, or did not show up on time for visitation, or change a diaper etc etc but to a child who becomes an adult that is not a good enough excuse not to have been allowed to have see their father or mother for a whole childhood-if he wanted to be involved.
And we are not making excuses for the father here-he has behaved badly-just as some mothers do. But it is the CHILD who matters here-not the actions of the father or the feelings of the mother-and that kid has a right o know her dad. You are being very hypocritical Lyrical girl, saying he should not get any more chances, i read you on the thread How Do I Tell My 6-year-old His Mom Is A Psycho-this was a rotten mother who abandoned her kid, takes drugs in the child's presence and has been given chance after chance by the single father to sort herself out for her kid's sake-she is a terrible influence on the kid-much worse than the guy on this thread (at least he is not a drug-addict)- but did Lyrical suggest this "psycho" mother should be cut out of the kids life-becuse she has had too many chances?
No-she suggested that the mother should be "helped" by the kids father and clearly has "intellect". So i think Lyrical may be guilty of a little gender bias hypocrisy here.But i digress..
We are not excusing the fathers behaviour-but children need and deserve the right to know their father-and yes he should be given another chance-you ask how many chances has he had? Well-this is the first time he has expressed a real desire for active involvement since the birth-if i read the thread corectly-so , so it is not like he has offered to be a part of the kid's life before and then abandoned the kid-he NEVER wanted to-now is the first time which at least could indicate he has had time to reflect and mature in his attitude.if the mum on this thread decided to let him start to become involvednow-that would make this the second chance he has had to be involved (the first being the child's birth)and i think the child deserves that.And who knows how comittted he may turn out to be-and how wrong all the people on the thread will turn out to be, who all say he will just let his daughter down again.
He could turn out to be a great father-and the mother could end up delighted she gave it the chance to work out. The child deserves her dad-whatever he has done or not done in the past. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 8:15:57 AM | I agree with lyrical girl, My daughter's father (sperm doner in my opinon) walk away 2 yrs ago and she does not need him or desire to have him around or ask about him. In my case my ex knows where I live, my phone#, my email, and he knows he is more than welcomed to see his daughter! He chooses not too!
Although it would be wonderful and lovely to have him in her life with all the love and support he is able to give but I can NOT make him do that.. I cannot force him to be a daddy. If he came back after 7 or more years DAMN straight I would make him run through firey hoops and many more test before I'd let him near my daughter..
Parenting is a life time commitment not a whenever you have the desire to be a parent.. There shouldn't be any revolving door!!!
If my daughter never sees her dad again that won't a big deal.. What a child deserves is someone who's been there for every moment of her life, every milestone, and every detail and she has that..Unfortunally it is not her bio dad!!! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 10:54:34 AM | Wow what a dilemna. I see the thoughts and ideas posted but all I can think about is what will happen if he walks again after a year? Will he stick it out? I fear for the child's feelings mostly.
On the other hand, I say maybe he has turned a new leaf. That would be positive for your child. Personally it will be hard either way. If you let him in how will you account for his opinions, values (which seem missing) and all of the ideas which create the basis of the kind of person the child becomes? These things all conflict but if he does stick it out all the better.
How anyone can do this in the first place baffles me to no end. You are right in being skeptical and trying to proect your child from further harm and disappointment. If he is "rebounding" from a recent split up I would be even more cautious.
Personally I hope you find the answer and that it all works out, it is quite a decision to make. Good luck! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 1:38:49 PM | To CheekyIrishGuy:
It is interesting - I reread my views on the mother who was drug addicted. I guess I saw a difference, gender aside, between that circumstance and this one. I do not think I am hypocritical at all - that would mean I had two different views on the same situation, and I see these as two different situations.
In this one, the fathr made a clear and ratinal decision to leave his family and no contact for 7 years. In the other, the other was a part of their lives but became addicted to drugs and was currently unable to help herself without assistance. Even in that case, there would not be an infinite amount of "chances" I would give. I see drug addiction as a disease that takes outside assistance to overcome, and a rational person who makes the choices to leave his kid does so willingly. I do not believe the kids should be subjected to harm from a drug addicted parent, and if they refuse help then their cotact with the kids should be eliminated until such help is sought.
The parent in this case is not cutting out the father- he cut himself off years ago. Are there people who, when older, seek to find thir biological parents? Of course. Are there children who regret doing so? Of course.
But again, we have to speak on THIS situation, otherwise we will be debating hundreds of other possible scenarios.
I think Lyrical's problem is she underestimates how important it is to a kid to have met their biological parent
I don't have a problem , I am happy in my life, and my daughter is as well. 10 years has formed my opinion, based on her thoughts and opinons. We speak candidly on the subject, so I am pretty confident on how she feels.
This man IS a stranger to this child. Do you think upon first meeting this kid - who is almost 8 years old - will immediate love this man just because of the title of "father" and the sperm that created her? I highly doubt it.
By the rational that a father should be excused for past behaviour just by showing up and to see this child, then a child molester would deserve that same chance, or murdered, or drug dealer, or what have you. Not the same thing? Abandoning your child is in a way. And I don't care if it is a mother OR a father, my opinion remains the same.
Just wanting something is not necessarily enough to convince me a chance is deserved.
I guess the first question I need answered is why is this guy wanting to contact the mom now? Does he want something? What has he been doing for 7 years that caused him NOT to contact his daughter? Why has he not supported this child financially? | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 4:11:14 PM | No lyrical girl-excusing a child-molester is not the same thing-a child-molester or a drug-dealer would be a risk to the child-which is why the drug-addict mother on the other thread was a far WORSE parent than this father-because a person on drugs is capable of anything-and their child is therefore in danger from being with them -whereas this young girl is not in DANGER from having contact with her dad. But the mother on the other thread weas an actaul risk to her child's weelbeing and could even influence her to emulate her drug-taking behaviour.Yet you did not advocate breaking off contact with that woman.
And you cannot equate the crimes of child-molestation or murder with leaving a child-there can be all sorts of emotional or other reasons someone cannot cope with having a child (some mothers have an abortion rather than have a child because they feel they are not ready-and i completely disagree with abortion as well) and some parents for whatever reason cannot cope at the time, it may simply be because they are too immature to face up to responsiblities. Did it ever ocurr to you that the father on this thread may not have had a decent father or parent as a role-model for how to be a parent himself, as a child-so he has no idea how to be a good parent-he may be following a pattern of abandonement. But at least he wants to start again. It is NEVER too late to start again being a father-i could give you some examples where it has not worked-but i could give you plenty of examples where it HAS worked. The child deserves a chance. You have no idea why the father could not bring up the kid, what his childhood was like, or what his reasons were and cannot judge him-but to equate that with deliberately murdering someone or molesting a child is wrong-that sort of person must be locked away for the obvious reason that they are a risk to society.
But yes i do agree with forgiveness as a more general principle as well. But because a child needs a father-all the research proves it-a father SHOULD be forgiven if he truly wants to be involved for the child's sake-i agree 100% with Sweetestthang there.
And this is not just forgiveness for the sake of forgiveness as a Christian principle-this is simply forgiveness for the sake of a child who would like to know their father -and now has that chance.
But yes he should be asked why he wants to be involved and make sure if possible his intentions are to be a permanent part of her life-not a fleetin glimpse-but she will never know for sure if she does not give him the chance. However, Lyrical, you should remember some kids NEVER ever meet their fathers through circumstances beyond their controll-and it hurts them alot-they spend a long time wondering -what was my father like?. However this kid has not met her father for 7 years-yet now has her first ever chance-do you not see how important that is?
And you ask will the child feel immediate love for him just because his sperm created her"-this is completely missing the point-she might not feel immediate love but that is irrelevant at least she will ahev had the chance to meet her dad-that is enough in itself-and a 7-year-old child is unlikely to feel immediate love-but she can build a CONNECTION and when she is older she will appreciate it even more. It will not be IMMEDIATE but as an adult the issue always comes up and she will really appreciate having had some time-any time with her Dad by then-even if she doesnt show it now.
Children might say they don't care if they see Dad now-but , trust me, Lyrical when they are older kids do start to care-thir feelings change and they can end up feeling resentful if they discover the Dad wanted to be there-but was denied the chance by a vindictive mother-just to punish the Dad.
Yes the parent in this case did "cut himself out years ago" as you put it-but it would be cutting him out if he wanted to become the parent he has not been for so long-and was refused the chance.
This girl is only 7-i can hardly remember who was there when i was 7-so it is preposterous of you to suggest that 7 years old is too late to start being a parent to youre child-IF he truly wants to be parent.
My advice would be-check his intentions are good-and that he is genuine-talk to him about how to be parent to this kid (he might never have been shown by example how to be a good dad) and what it is going to take-but do not let the conversation descend into recriminations about the past and bitter arguments-always remember this is a bout the child-not about you two, the parents.
Dont tell him all sorts of groundrules immediately like you are trying to boss him around-but be firm and clear that he must not let his child down this time and that he has a responsiblity as her Dad. If he feels valued he may take up his responsiblities more.
Lyrical says she is not sure another chance is "deserved"-maybe it isnt but the child deserves another chance to have a Dad in her life-so whether the father deserves it or not is irrelevant-you seem to be missing the point it is about the child's needs not the fathers and it is wrong to decide for a 7-year-old kid that she does not NEED a dad because you, the mother, think he doesnt deserve it.
And sweethangtoo-you say parenting should be a lifelong commitment-nobody on here disagrees with that-in ideal circumstances. BUT if the father walked away but then genuinely wants to try again-he should be allowed because having spent time with a father is more important even if it wasnt as much of youre childhood as it should have been than not having spent any of youre childhood with him. Are you hoonestly suggesting that if the father hasnt dedicated an entire lifetime to the kid-the child should not have any time with the father at all as punsihment for that?
A lifetime parent is better than a part-time one-but some time with a child and his father or mother is surely better than none at all-especially if the father at least attempts to make up for it by becoming committed now.
And youre situation is not relevant to this thread-because you stated that the Dad of youre child is "welcome" to visit the kid-but CHOOSES not to. Well that is the crucial difference-this dad DOES want to see his kid-even though it should not have taken him so long- unlike youre ex, at least this man is now stepping up to the plate.
You say youre daughter doesnt care about ther dad-and if she doesnt see him it wont be a big deal-in youre case that may be true. But you are generalising-most children do want to know their dad so just because youre particular daughter doesnt, at the moment express a desire to-does not mean other children cope well when they have never seen their father especially when that was through his choice not the mothers. And fathers who want to step up should not be denied that chance. You are forgetting a father is not just sperm donor-he may be to you but to a child youre father is much more than that-he is part of you some of youre characteristics and genes and you want to know what he is like, where he grew up what his family are like.
Both of you are forgetting this is not just the father-it is his extended family his parents (the child's grandparents on his side) his aunts and uncles and cousins a whole potential part of youre child's family tree that the child is shut out of. That is part of the kid's identity their past where they came from where their fathers family grew up-boys wonder if they look like their fathers and what kind of career their dads had etc a child who has never met the father-their wondering and longing and curiosity often only increases-or awakens with age. I repeat-a father or mother who does not choose to be involved is a disgrace-and you cannot do anything about it. But if a father or mother choose to be involved-however late-their kid deserves that chance even if they don't. And for that reason forgiveness for the child's sake should come before hurt and anger at his abandonement. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 6:55:07 PM | As far as my exes family, they show NO interest in my daughter at all.. When I needed to get a hold of my ex for varies reasons (I don't bother anymore cause it's not worth my time), they offered no info or help to contact him.. They don't call, send cards, or anything... My exes mom is nuts and a very manilipative person. My daughter's Aunt on her dad's side lives 5 miutes away and shows no interest in my daughter... I've tried to keep contact with his side but they choose not to be involved!!! So she's not missing out..
What I meant by saying he is welcomed is when he was sorta, kinda involved when he felt like it!!! But now after so much time gone by, I would not just let him back in just because he felt the desire to be a dad again... In my opinon he lost that right when he walked away.. And it take ALOT for me to even let him near my daughter!!!! He was given chance after chance...
A child deserves better than that... When my daughter at the age where she can deal with her dad, until then I will protect her from a dad that obviously didn't love her enough to stay!! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 7:29:05 PM | I am not going to write a novel rebutting what you said - you can think what you want, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I disagree, and I am not wrong in mine. I asked my daughter about this situation over dinner tonight, and her opinons, which greatly influence choices I wuld make in this scenario, are right on the money.
you stated that the Dad of youre child is "welcome" to visit the kid-but CHOOSES not to
God, I NEVER said that. My daughter does not have a father, has not since she was born, and will not, unless I get married and we find one we both love. I have a 9 year old girl who has a family of 2 - no dad. Never asked about one, doesn't care.
My sitauton is relevant to this discusson because I am a parent, I am a single parent, and my child has NEVER had a dad and is a normal, healthy terrific kid who never lacked for not having one.
You seem to think a child "needs" a dad and won't have a fulfilled life without one, and I don't because I see a happy child first hand who does not.
You calling a parent who has thier child's best interest at heart and makes a decision you would necessarily make, regardless if you agree with their choice or not, a "disgrace" is wrong.
Question - if, after all the hoops you expect this mom to go through for this person, he ends of hurting and disappointing this child, scarring her for life, leaving the mom to yet again clean up the emotional mess he left behind, you still think that was worth it? I am sorry but my child's interest does come first, and I disagree I have to make it easier on him to likely hurt my child - will never happen. It's not being bitter towards any "ex" - I'd have to think to even remember his name, to tell you the truth. It's because I love my child and it is my job as her only parent to protect her. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 7:36:24 PM |
Question - if, after all the hoops you expect this mom to go through for this person, he ends of hurting and disappointing this child, scarring her for life, leaving the mom to yet again clean up the emotional mess he left behind, you still think that was worth it? I am sorry but my child's interest does come first, and I disagree I have to make it easier on him to likely hurt my child - will never happen. It's not being bitter towards any "ex" - I'd have to think to even remember his name, to tell you the truth. It's because I love my child and it is my job as her only parent to protect her.
I completely agree with this statement. If he could so easily walk away once and not call in 7 years...what's to say it would not happen again. I would protect my child. He would have to prove himself and his intentions. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 7:55:56 PM | let me tell you a little story about my best friend. Her bf abandoned her at 6 months preggie with twins. She decided to keep them...and go through it all alone. I saw her go through the next 7 years with ZERO contact from thier father.
No calls...no letters...no contact from the grandparents...absolutely NOTHING. Then last summer at 8 pm i get a phone call. Shes hysterical and said HE PHONED ME HE PHONED ME!!!! HUH????????????? then i realized it was HIM. i talked to her for days while she decided wether or not to let him come over to see the kids.
They met at a restaurant first...then the park...then he was allowed to come over to visit once a week. Her children i have NEVER seen them so happy. My best pal was glowing with happiness. Over the course of 6-9 months they tried to build a relationship.
Then all of a sudden he dissapears. Just like that he was gone.They didnt hear from him for 2 months. He had a breakdown... he couldnt handle it any more. i dont know if he spooked or not. The kids had to go to a councellor to handle thier grief and my GF was beside herself for being so stupid at allowing him to come back.
NOWWWW last month he calls to apologize and every time I talk to her she asks my advice wether or not to allow to visit again. Its hurting the family so badly to know that daddy is out there but when the going gets tough he dissapears. Hes unreliable.
i have to give the guy credit that he had the balls to see his kids... but lost them all over again when he got spooked and booked it. Now i hate him for what he did to my best friend...
they are going through an absolute roller coaster of emotions... | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 8:37:32 PM | | I WAS THE CHILD IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS. MY MOTHER GAVE MY FATHER CHANCE AFTER CHANCE TO PROVE HIMSELF WITH ME AND MY TWO SISTERS. SHE DIDN'T DENY HIM VISITATION BASED ON WHETHER OR NOT HE PAID CHILD SUPPORT. HE WOULD GET IN TOUCH, BE AROUND A FEW MONTHS, THEN DISAPEAR FOR A FEW YEARS. IT WAS WORSE ON US THAN IF HE WOULD HAVE STAYED GONE. HE MADE PROMISES THAT HE NEVER KEPT. AND IT DID TEACH ME HOW A MAN SHOULD TREAT ME. IT MADE ME THINK THAT IT WAS OK TO ACCEPT A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I WAS A MAN'S LAST PRIORITY. I ACCEPTED SUCH TREATMENT FOR FIFTEEN YEARS BEFORE I WOKE UP, GOT HELP AND REALIZED WHERE ALL MY ISSUES WERE STEMMING FROM. SO MANY PEOPLE ON HERE ARE SAYING THINK OF THE CHILD. PLEASE DO. CONSIDER HOW MUCH PAIN A YO-YO FATHER WILL CAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER AND HOW IT WILL EFFECT HER FUTURE. IF HE REALLY IS SERIOUS ABOUT BEING IN HER LIFE AGAIN, HE WILL FIGHT FOR IT. MY DAD ALWAYS CONTACTED US THROUGH FRIENDS OR FAMILY. DON'T LET HIM DO IT. MAKE HIM GO THROUGH THE COURT SYSTEM AND WORK FOR HER. IT WILL MEAN MORE AND HE WON'T TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER FOR GRANTED. TRUST ME, SHE'S BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM IF HE'S NOT WILLING TO WORK FOR HER. MY DAD ALWAYS TOOK FOR GRANTED THAT WE'D BE THERE WHEN HE NEXT THOUGHT OF US. THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE WAS WHEN I TURNED 18 AND COULD SPEAK FOR MYSELF. I WISH MY MOM WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO COOPERATIVE WITH HIM. HE SHOULD HAVE HAD TO TAKE FATHERHOOD SERIOUSLY AND DONE THE WORK OF MAKING UP FOR HIS BEHAVIOR ON HIS OWN. I NEVER FELT VALUED AND WAS ANGRY WITH MY MOTHER FOR ALLOWING HIM TO CONTINUE COMING BACK TO HURT US. MY SISTERS BOTH FELT AND FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO. WE REALIZE NOW, AS ADULTS, WHAT SHE WAS GOING THROUGH AND THAT SHE WAS DOING WHAT SHE HAD BEEN TOLD WAS RIGHT. BUT IT WASN'T RIGHT. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER AS MUCH AS YOU CAN FROM HEARTBREAK. LET THE COURT DO THE TALKING. DON'T ANSWER HIS MESSAGES AND TELL YOUR FAMILY NOT TO... UNTIL HE SHOWS SOME REAL, STRONG GUMPTION. HE'LL SEE JUST HOW SERIOUS STAYING IN HIS CHILD'S LIFE IS AND THAT HE CAN'T CONTINUE TO MAKE BAD CHOICES AND HAVE YOU SMOOTH THE WAY FOR HIM. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 8:41:30 PM | what i would like to know is i HAVE seen my best pal go through this...the thing thats killing her right now is was she right???
this question keeps on running through her mind over and over and over. i dont have the answer for her. She has horrible regrets... and she wishes she NEVER DID IT. Like lyrical...her kids never knew a thing about thier daddy. My pal thought she was doing the right thing...only to get royally screwed...and her and the kids having to go to councelling to get over the emotional trauma.
How can i as her best friend tell her yes/no you were wrong to do this?? i have to support her as much as i can when it hurts like hell to watch her kids cry for thier dad. Its so unfair. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/11/2007 8:54:39 PM | Youre situations are obviously difficult-but what you are not seeing is that does not mean THIS father is the same. He may genuinely want to be involved-and stay involved-and it is better that the child has that chance-you are all in situations where the father has chosen to leave and stay out-but this father has not-he is now trying to change-and that is a positive instead of being so negative you should applaud it he needs encouragement to do the right thing for his child-he was wrong to stay away fro 7 years though none of you on here have a clue why-so you shouldnt judge. But the point is at least he now wants to be involved-would you rather he just ran away from his responsibilities all his life-like he has the past 7 years and never bothered to get in touch?
He should be given a chance-he is the child's father and this could work out better than youre personal situations. Stop judging everyone else based on youre exe's. And lets be clear here-the people who are a disgrace-are paretns who abandon their kids-and vengeful single paretns who deprive ex's of access rights after an acrimonious divorce or break-up.
s for Lyrical asking, if he screws up again after being given a chance how would i feel-i would turn the question around-what if he were to do really well and build a great relationship from scratch with his daughter now, against youre advice and prove he had changed-then how would you feel. If she had taken youre advice the child would never have had that chance.
It is worth it-because he is the father and nothing changes that-this child is very young and now is not too late for her to start again gettign to know the missing half of her family. As for youre discussion with youre daughter this is not relevant-because youre daughter expresses no wish to see her dad-but if you read Joopiter's post earlier-her daughter was abandoned and she sat her down at dinner like you and asked did she want a chance to mee ther dad-and she replied yes. So not all children are like yours Lyrical-there is no point using youre child's particular situation as a benchmark to judge this one. What is true is that in MOST situations it is best for a child to know their dad-and most children do develop a need to see their father.You keep speaking as if youre daughter is representative of the entire child population including the mother on this thread. I would say Joopiter's experience is much more typical and that it is highly unusual for a child to neither express nor feel any wish to meet their real father-and remember this child is only 7 so even if she cannot articulate that wish now-she will, in allprobability one day.
And as for saying you are not wrong Lyrical-the research unforunately overwhelmingly shows that you are-and that children DO need fathers-as much as mothers and that generally they suffer without one parent. The point is there are exceptions-you have obviously compensated for the absence of your kids father by being a very good mother-but it is not an ideal situation for a child to be without one of its parents-you should not pretend it is.
And this child now has a chance-for the first time-to have that relationship with another parent that others dont-she should not be deprived of that. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:09:07 AM | Every child has a right to know both their natural parents and is entitled to a relationship with both ... walking into their life after so long won't be easy, it'll be an uphill battle, but for a child to NEVER know the other half of who they are and the family extensions that come along with it is a tragedy and guaranteed to haunt them later in life, even if there is (or has been) a "step/foster/adopted" parent standing in place of the absent parent ... it's just biological ... there is no way around it. Ask just about any child, often even the most abused, and they want to have their natural parent in their life in some form or fashion.
There are oodles of options to (re)integrating a parent and child no matter at what phase in life ... it takes a willingness, a commitment and patience by the ADULTS to sort through ... we all make poor choices for whatever reason, and parents make mistakes too, we shouldn't punish an innocent child forever because of it. It's crucial to keep the CHILD'S feelings above our own ... the child deserves the option without all the third party prejudice and bias. Their best interests are paramount.
Good luck! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:33:20 AM | I surely agree in an ideal world my ex and his family would be involved but they CHOOSE not to be... At this point I wouldn't let them untill she was older if one day they wanted a relatationship with my daughter....
True, this dad may be a changed man and want a relationship with his child.. Most guys who wal away, walk away AGAIN!!!! At 7 yrs old the child cannot understand why daddy walked away again. Is that fair to the child... It goes back to that saying , Any boy can make a baby but it takes a MAN to raise a child!!! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/12/2007 7:04:50 AM | Bottom Line: 7 years ago, yesterday, tomorrow and 5 generations from now...he will STILL be her father. Yes he may disappoint her, you will as well! Not in the same degree of course..but still! Every child has a right to know their parents, it helps complete them. Growing up without a father does so much underlying damage to a child, that has been proven over and over.
Of course, that does not mean give him free rein of her but he deserves the chance to step up to the plate and be the father he chooses to be. You have no way of knowing his intent, you can only let go of the past, forgive him and encourage him and your daughter to form a new relationship. That will take a great deal of self control on your part but in the end your daughter will thank you. No matter the outcome you will know you have done your best to raise a healthy, happy, well rounded child. After all...life is full of joy AND disappointments. Hard lessons to learn yes, but ones we deal with on a daily basis.
My ex is not the father I wish him to be, nor the father my children wish him to be...but he is still their father, he is still present at times and I have taught my children to enjoy him as they can, to love him and cherish him. Sometimes people take roads they never meant to take and before they know it...they are in the gutter. It happens. You simply do the very best you can to raise your daughter and not speak badly about her father, that will crush her almost as much as his neglect can.
Good luck! | |
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