| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 11:33:31 AM | I had posted a thread on here before asking if i should continue to let my daughter talk to her dad when he does decide to call once every 6 months or so...I was confused because it hurt me to see her hurt..i thought that if i put an end to it..her hurt would go away....but the one thing i did learn from that thread was that even though that wasnt the relationship i wanted for them...it was the one they had.I had to let my daughter learn about him on her own and preventing that from happening could possibly result in her holding it against me in the future.No we dont want to see our children hurt but maybe they need to learn for themselves about their parents..weather they are good or bad...it sucks that u cannot hide them from hurt and pain but i guess if we did they wouldnt know how to handle disappointment when they are adults...
Lyrical we all know that u will never give your ex a chance to be a part of your daughters life...thats your choice as a parent.....but that doesnt mean that some people cant change and want to make up for being a crappy parent..we all make mistakes...some bigger than others...and i really hope that the OP ex is honest and truthful and wants to come back for all the right reasons....sometimes as hard as it is...your have to learn to forgive(especially for your childs sake) but never forget. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 3:07:35 PM | ^^^ You are very right, some people can change and some can not. I am a single parent by choice, meaning I became pregnant and decided to have my daughter on my own as the biological father did not want involvement (I am omitting other personal details for the sake of privacy), so therefore there IS no choice regarding any "ex" - there simply is none to consider. I have never been married, and have been single since I was pregnant and it has always been my daughter and I - do not think I harbour some sort of "grudge" or "anger" towards the sperm donor - he does not matter, he does not exist.
It is not a "choice" it just is. My family of two does not include a father.
This is directed at a collective "you", not you specifically Sweet.
I am a little pissed because it seems certain people can not understand or accept a different way of thinking and raising children as a single parent. You are not right for everyone, but perhaps you are right for you. That does NOT mean I am wrong in how I feel, how I raise my daughter, my opinion or how I choose to love my family. There is no one and absolute way of raising a child. I wil not tolerate anyone who says I am doing my child harm, am a bad aprent, or anything similar because we are a one parent family.
To be continually told *I* am doing my child ANY injustice, or that I am "abusing" my child for raising her alone, is an absolute insult to me AND my child and I take great offence to it. I believe a biological father if absent has no impact on a happy, grounded child nor do I believe she is suffering in any way as a result. Believe what you want, I will do the same.
The OP will and can do what she feels is best for her family, and I would respect whatever choice she makes. More people should do that. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 3:13:27 PM | ^^^ u are right Lyrical and i do respect your way of raising your child...there is no doubt that she has enough love...
But this thread is about the op so when i phrase most of my opinions they are directed at her.
I know that children dont necessarily need both parents to grow up and be great people...but having both in their life is a great bonus which i wish all children have the chance to experience. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 3:22:09 PM | ^^ I try not take things personally, it seems though in this forum my neck hairs stand up when someone comments on my family. I have fought stereotypes of single mothers for years, and have little patience with people who generalize for ALL children (not that you do that Sweet).
Back to the OP, who certainly has seen the passionate views of both sides of the issue at hand. She will do what is best for her and family.
We all love our kids and want to do what is best for them.
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:16:44 PM | No-mothers should not allow their kids "lifelong betrayal"-they should allow their kids a farther-yes the kids will thank her for it when they are older-or the one kid in this case-because a father is so important to a child's very being that even some time with him-even a glimpse of him-the knowledge you have seen him is often enough.
My best friend has only ever met his dad ONCE in a whole liftetime-and he was grateful his mother allowed him that-and that father walked away-a very irresponsible man, worse than the guy on this forum-yet guess what? My friend DESPITE it all-stll attended his funeral-and cried-because he is STILL his father-to his mother the guy was a sperm donor-a nobody, and consequently, as she never mentioned him he grew up thinking the same as her-but as he grew, his curiosity grew and he wanted to know his dad-THANK GOD his mum let the father see him and forgave him everything he had done-because as a resut my friend never ended up resenting her.
But i have seen kids resent their foster-parents-no matter how good they were-for refusing to allow contact when they were younger with th dad.
To a child a dad is never just a "lifetime of betrayal"-or a sperm donor-Oxlady's post is a beautiful description of how innate the child's craving for their biological parent is-and this grows with age-so even though this child might not articulately and emotionally express the sudden need to meet her father-at 7 years old-especially if she hasn't been told about him-she will want to as she gets older-and, believe me. whatever the explanation-she will not appreciate the revelation as she grows up-that her mother decided for her, to close the father out of her life and her childhood-before she was old enough to understand.
Her relationship with both her father and mother-may never recover. I am lucky i had a father-some kids dads died before they were born-and those kids spend a lifetime looking at pictures and asking people what their dad was like-but i was lucky and i want every child, where at all possible, to have the chance i had, and that my friend had, even if only for a moment, and be able to know their father.
Every child is entitled to it-my friend is a great dad to his kid-even though his own dad was terrible-precisely because he recognises how important fathers are-from his own experience- i spoke to him and his advice was the same-give this child a chance to begin again with her dad-but if he fails again then at least you tried. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:31:19 PM | Cheeky...i do agree that all kids deserve a father but u are making it sound like under all circumstances.....if he is abusive or a drug addict thats unacceptable but if he is going to be a good dad who is there anytime his child need him/her than thats ok...but not under all circumstances would i agree with u.
Just know that as a mother it is a lil hard to invite a man back into their childs life when he couldnt have cared less for the first 7 years...but i do believe in second chances for the benefit of the child...but it has to be taken slowly. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:37:26 PM | Im sorry I have to stick with my own opinion...i will not bend it, or change what i think about this.
All i know is its horribly unfair to keep a dad/father/ sperm donor from its child. That goes for mothers too. They may not be parent material but there at least has to be contact of some sort. Supervised visits....letters phone calls ect. My friend told me she is happier knowing that her kids got a glimpse of thier dad...got some recent pix..and gave them some soft of idea instead of making up an imaginary father.
Even if he stays away for years as the kids grow they will remember. Yes it hurt when he left but they had no control over that. IMO if it were myself having to go through that I would have more peace of mind knowing my kids met thier dad at one time in thier lives than never at all.
Sometimes kids need to know the brutal honest truth of who thier parents really are...we cant shelter and protect them forever. As they grow theier curiosity will get them and they WILL GO SEARCHING. and who will they resent when they find out thier dad/mom was looking to make contact all those years ago???
YOU! my cousin was adopted and at age 17 started to look for his birth mother...unknown to him she had tried to look for him yrs ago. My aunt tried to stop the meeting. It pretty much ripped them apart. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 7:04:27 PM | Well-i understand youre position, but , unfortunately even kids who have not had a father under the best circumstances-were happier they got to meet him even a few times as children and find out for themselves than not at all-and the guy on this thread is trying for the first time now-so a chance must be given for the child's sake.
Even children cruelly abandoned to foster-parents as a "mistake"-still often search for their real parents-and hate it if they discover their foster-parents, for whatever reason blocked that from happening-indeed, the friend i mentioned-his father was a very poor role-model-but he STILL appreciated having been allowed to see him a few times as a young kid-kept pictures of this man all his life-and treasured the memory of the few times he saw him-even though the father took off again-and we must of course remember we do not know this guy will do the same-until the mother has at least agreed to ONE visitation.
Of course Sweetest, i would prefer him to be the great dad i had for example-not the one my friend had-but it was STILL worth it to my friend to have had some time with him-and crucially it meant he did not have to begin the painful search for the first time as an adult-AND he did not resent his mother . Now this father may change as well- i have indeed witnessed peoples capacity to mature and change beyond all expectation-but even if he doesnt the mother should not decide in advance that his daughter can never see him-even once-untill she grows up and finds him on her own. That journey could be too painful and bitter for all involved-especially if her father informs her as an adult that he did try to visit and be there for her-even 7 years into her life-but was prevented from so doing.
I happen to have seen the anger that can cause-and the child is not always able to rationally and objectively analyse their mother's actions in closing the father out of their lives-by viewing it in the context of the mothers desire to "protect" her from the father-often the child still eventually blames the mother reguardless-because emotion overrides reason-and a child's need for biological parents is so strong-it can override the rational knowledge that the mother was only trying to do her best.
It is that need Oxlady described so vividy-in a quite inspiring post-that need that drives adopted children to begin the long and restless search for their roots-and causes confusion in that moment when children discover the man they called "daddy" is not their real dad-that powerful need that grows with age-that drives abandoned children to, as often happens, keep that one faded picture of the dad they have never seen in their bedroom-look at it and wonder-what was he like? Did he play football too-i wonder if he was rich-or if he was a lawyer-or a teacher ..would he have been proud of me...etc etc
I agree Sweetest i would love an ideal world-where all fathers were there from Day One as theyt should be-though i dont know his reasons-and i hope if this man is given a chance-that he finally does the right thing-but his daughter will not blame her mother-whatever happens-for having given him a chance-but she might well blame the mother if she finds out that she never gave her father a chance when he tried to contact her.
And they can begin slowly-supervised, minimal contact at first-it is workable with sensible planning-and by all means check out his intentions-but they wont regret it-children want their fathers-i couldnt imagine being without mine-and my friend was delighted even to have briefly met his, for a few moments and will always remember it-even though to the mum he was just a "deadbeat|"-to him he was always, inescapably more than that-his father.
Take it slowly-but the child deserves a second chance. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 8:55:31 PM | | do what you need to legaly for sure but I agree that your daughter has the right to know who her father is I never got to know mine till I was 13 he's passed away now and it took me some time to forgive my mother for keeping me away from him I turned out just like him any way now I agree that he could never look after me as a parent but he was my father and I needed to know who he was. I am now going through cutody issues with my own daughter and her father he can't be alone with her but she has the right to know him and decide for herself when she's older if she wants him in her life | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/14/2007 9:34:29 PM | my sons father's ears must have been burning... coz now after 12weeks of no contact he has contacted me via email... there he went on to say how he wants to be apart of our sons life and how he wants to pay more to support him.... etc... but the first question was to ask me was why was he getting more money taken out of his wage each week... lol... he also went on to say that he wants us to talk with no 3rd party involved...
now he is just rehashing what we spoke about last time we talked on the phone... and he is not wanting to go along my wishes of mediation and a new consent order.... so i just had to remind him that if we have mediation we will be able to write up the consent right there and then to get the ball rolling for him to start seeing his son again..... and from the last time i had spoken to him he had said he has been going to counselling and i have told him that if talking to me one on one was part of a counselling session that he can make an appointment for me to sit in on the session but there we will not be talking about visitations but just about how he became the person he did after i told him i was pregnant up until recently...
some of the old regulars would know the full story of how all has come about and i dont want to bore the rest that dont know....
now im guessing that i have again laid it all on the line and again have left everything for him to arrange as i have also told him i am done with bending and dropping everything at his beck and call when it suited him for it to only hurt our son when he doesnt feel like being a father (to which i did for the first 2.5years of our sons life.) that i will not be hearing from him for some more time to come.
as i have said before.... the lack of concern he is showing to what he is saying he has is more visible to me and until he starts taking action then i guess it is just a waiting game... my son is now use to not having him in his life... he knows who is father is... and he has the best relationship with his fathers parents that live in another state.... as they talk on the phone send photos of everything he is doing at school... and they email each other almost daily. but hey the father knows the door is always open.. he just hasnt or doesnt want to take advantage of it unless it is handed to him on a platter. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:02:30 AM | Good luck nunthewiser-i hope he steps up to the plate and committs to spending time with his son-even if it is only a little at first-and i hope you make it easy for him to have contact with youre son-he will appreciate having been able to see his dad-even if it was not as often as it should have been. The people who have posted on this forum about being without fathers as children-all said exactly the same thing-they would all have preferred some time with their dad-even if he was a "deadbeat"-than no time at all.
And those such as Catfancy who posted on here that they did not get to see their dads-as children-because the mother shut him out-have all spoken of how bitter it made them towards the mother-when they found out she had refused the father's requests for contact-even after he had abandoned them.
So i hope it works out for the best in both youre cases-and the lady who started the thread-and that both children are able to grow up at least having known their fathers before adulthood. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:22:54 AM | Not all kids care to have any connections to the parent who has walked away.. I know more than an handle of kids who have said that they wished they never met their father/mother (mostly fathers).. Due to the stress, disappointment, distraction of their life... So dad can be there to walk away again... Leave scares, wounds, feelings of hurt and betrayal.... I DON'T THINK SO!!! Sometimes parents need to draw the line and say no because in the end it just screws up the kids, I've seen how damaging it can be... As I said before most fathers who walk away are going to walk away again and again!!!!
My oldest child father never walked away and nor did I keep him, he chosed to be a real man and be a dad, even to my youngest child.... My youngest child father had unlimited visitation and of that he showed up whenever it suited him that was every 6 months and it did more damage then good! Kids need consistency.. I refuse to allow him to come back and confuse her again.. If my oldest child father walked away for a period amount of time I would feel the same way about him too.... | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:26:16 AM | And everyone should remember that if having an absent father has no impact on a child who is raised well-then why is it so many posters on this thread have spoken of their anger when they finally got to meet their fathers as adults-and have discovered he was shut out?
It is an abuse of a child for a father to abandon that child-and it is an abuse of a child to deprive that child of a father who wants to be involved in its upbringing. Check out the "Mother brainwashing the kids" thread-that mother is abusing her children by shutting a father who would dearly love to be involved out of their lives-and i guarantee, even if they dont know it yet, they will hate her for it when they are older-and it is damaging them.
If children did not need fathers- nature would never have chosen to involve men in the process of conception-and to drive women and men to abhorr infidelity-because infidelity risks leaving a child without a parent-that is why there is a taboo against it.
Reading posters like Catfancy and Not-Done-Living-Together and Trikersbaby etc on this thread-you can see the common theme among children deprived of fathers-like them-is that all of them still needed that father-their need grew the more they grew older-reguardless of whether the father was absent or not.
The only variable in all the cases-is the object of the child's hate and resentment at not having a father.
If it was the dad who abandoned them-the object of their hate as an adult-becomes the dad.
But if it was the mother who shut the father out-even if this was after he had abandoned them-then the object of their resentment-as an adult-became the mother for denying them the chance to have met their "deadbeat" dad.
I think everyone needs to see Catfancy's post (message 110) as it starkly illustrates-from her own experience as a child-how, even though her father was not great-and left her as a kid-she STILL resented the mother for not letting him in her life later when he tried.
It truly illuminates how badly it can turn out-for all parties involved-including the mother-if the mother makes a decision to reject her child's father when he finally tries to become involved-it is often the mother who becomes the object of the adult's resentment. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:57:10 AM | | And of course read the opinions of other PARENTS who have successfuly raised great kids without having a biological father present and certainly do not ABUSE their kids. and of course read the posts on how so many have thought they were doing the right thing by allowing their kids tomeet their ***hole biological father who in turn failed them yet again and caused irreperable harm to them. Lets look at evrery single case stated in this thread and agreethere is no one right answer, but rather look at the right answer for each individual family. It truly illuminates how badly it can turn out for all parties involved if the mother makes a decsion to allow her child's biological father when he "finally" tries to become involved and once agian hurts the child - it is often BOTH parents who as a result suffer the child's resentment - to the mom for not protecting the child and the father for yet again letting them down and impacting their life negatively. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 12:01:46 PM | If a dad really truely wanted to be involved he would make the effort to do so... There is a court system that can be used for these dads that feel they are been shut out!!! He would send letters, cards, money, keep track of contact he has made, take parenting courses or whatever to show that he is serious.. He would pay for a lawyer and fight the mom for his rights!!! Most dads when the words CHILD SUPPORT is brought up, run like the wind... These dads want their say but don't want to pay for the child! Most dads who have walked away come back due to the pressure of their family or a new gf not because they want too...
If my youngest childs dad showed up one day and showed me that he was serious and took me to court, took some parenting courses and paid child support for xx amount of time , I may consider him back into her life but most dads that I do know wouldn't take the time to do this for their child, cause they feel entiled ... I am talking about dads who come back after so many years... If they cannot commit to paying child support and maybe a parenting course how are supposed to commit to a child!! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 3:28:21 PM | sweethangtoo .. just one question ... if a parent that has been absent "X" numbers of years (be it for whatever reason) comes back seeking to have, repair or rebuild a relationship with their child, how do you know at that point FOR CERTAIN if that will turn out to be a negative result versus a positive one? There may be changes they are bringing today that weren't present prior to that moment. The truth is uou can't know, you can only assume! There is risk involved no one has argued that, but do you error so grieviously to prevent the possibility of any negative and in turn quite literally dismiss what could be positive if handled right not just by the absent parent but the present parent too? You seem to be saying you DON'T try period ... no if and or buts ... no chance, no forgiveness, no way ... period, absolute, end of story. That is what is causing so much debate here.
lyrical girl ... I'm sorry, but am I mistaken or have I failed to read a post in this thread from an adult that WAS a child separated from a natural parent and is now stating they are HAPPY with never having met or shared a relationship of some sort with the absent biological parent? I know I've read ones from adults that are HAPPY they got reunited with an absent parent. If I've missed it, please identify the message #. I see PARENTS talking about how their kids SEEM happy, content, satisfied but these children being used as examples are all still at very young, mentally & emotionally immature ages, but none that are now mature adults feeling the same. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 3:43:49 PM | | ox lady...u are right regarding sweetthangtoo...im sorry sweet if i offend u(dont mean to)but it seems like you still have so much anger regarding your ex and that anger is making u make decisions that might not be in the best interest for your children...u should never make decisions in anger.I know what it is like to be angry..i was angry at my ex for a long time for not being the father he should be....i will no longer waste my energy on anger...i now just feel sorry for him....Kids dont have anger at a young age like we do ...as many times as my ex has hurt and disappointed my daughter she still worships the ground he walks on....If children are angry at a young age...its because you are making them this way....stop being angry and think about how happy your child would be if her dad did face up to his mistakes and want to change........im sorry if u feel like i am coming down on you...but its just my opinion... | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 3:57:21 PM | irish... for my son's sake i hope he does step up to the plate and stays there not like he did for the first 2.5 years of his life... or the recent 2.5 years of his life where he has only seen him for 3 hours... to which he has told our son that he will be seeing him more and more and it has been nothing since june last year.... even with him being "involved" the first 2.5years he only spent time all up 14months with him ( we did live in different states) but i went down there and stayed at his parents house for 10 of though months. even when the father moved up here he was full on for 3 months then it got less and less. his father has admitted it was the girlfriend to which he is still with that got jealous of the time they had spent together and she didnt like the father spending so much time with his son as it took away her time.... this was after he said no girlfriend will ever come between him and his son.
the last memory of my son has of his father was christmas day 2004 he was 2.5years old... each christmas since has been hell for me as my son although loves christmas remembers it was the last real time he saw his father.... he has not received letters, presents nothing since from his father for any holiday or birthday. but yet the fathers parents who still live in a different state sends stuff ring and email each other... the grandmother does things coz she wants to let her grandson know they are thinking of him.
i know how it feels to have a parent in and out of ones life more so out then in... as i too have gone thru it with my own mother... and although im almost 31 ( she left when i was turning 12)... she is still doing it.... at 23 i confronted her about why she does so much for her partners kids and not for her own... she just commented... your adults you dont need a mother.... but that didnt make up for all the time before we turned 18 when we needed a mother and she was never there.... im still very bitter towards my mother for doing it.... she doesnt understand coz she only thinks of herself and she doesnt like knowing she is and was a horrible mother..... my sister and i thought she would change when grandkids came into it... but no she hasnt.... shes even doing it to them and my son is again getting disappointed by her.... to which i never wanted him to have either from his grandmother or his father....
i have again told the father he has to prove to me and apply for mediation before seeing his son..... until them then i dont want my son getting disappointed again.... and yes even with the last consent his father didnt follow or his lawyer fuked up the consent to make it an invalid document...which the father is blaming me coz i havent fixed it.
what the parent that walks away time and time again doesnt understand is... the impact it does have on their children... who is there to pick up the pieces for that child?? who has to go thru all the crap and answer the question the child asks but only the parent that walked away can answer???
it doesnt matter how much time has passed that one parent doesnt see a child... they still have to explain why they did it... even when the child is an adult... and the parent in question still runs away as to why..... i have asked my m other all time as to why... and you know what she does.... leaves and we dont hear from her for months. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 4:01:12 PM | | ^^^ u are right ...its not fair when a parent walks in and out of a childs life....i hate it when my ex does it...i hate him for it...i hate seeing my daughter cry when he does it....but you also cant hide your child from it either...as much as i would like to...i CANT.I just keep hoping the one day my ex will grow up and make up for everything he hasnt done.... | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 4:08:00 PM | sweetesthangtoo-there is not a court system everywhere that allows dedicated fathers to win rights to see their kids-it is different from country-to-country-where i live in Britain fathers have virtually no rights in the family courts-and these child-abusers regualrly shut willing caring fathers out of the kids lives-you are incorrect if you think there is a fair court system everywhere that just allows concerned fathers who really want to be involved-to get access to their children.
There might be where you live-but here where i live and where many other fathers on these threads live-the system is apallingly unjust- i will give you some statistics-from the Guardian Newspaper.
In Britain 50% of all court-issued contact and visitation orders are breached by the mother-with no consequences except "mediation"-which she does not even have to agree to attend.
After a break-up the family courts award custody to the mother-in 95% of cases.
It is only 68% in France.
So our system is very unjust-and it is not just in here Britain either-read the thread "mother brainwashing the kids"-that is a guy in Canada who has been trying for 10 years through the courts to see his kids-and has won SEVEN contact orders granting him visitation and STILL the courts did not enforce the order when the mother selfishly ignored it-and i have heard many other terrible stories like his on here.
So youre suggestion that fathers who really cared would all "pay for a lawyer and fight for their rights" is wrong-in many countries men DO fight for their rights-to no avail-because there is no ENFORCEMENT of contact orders here in Britain, for instance-so mothers who shut good, caring fathers out of their kids lives- after a bitter break-up are allowed to get away with it.
.That is why so many people on this forum have spoken of their pain at being shut out of their kids lives-and not being able to get the courts to enforce the "access" order-because the courts often argue punishing the mother for refusing to abide by the contact order would be "traumatic" for the mother-despite the fact being deprived of a father is "traumatic" for a child.
I can tell you also Sweetthangtoo-because i DO have very personal experience of this-from a number of people i care about-who have been closed out of their kids lives by disgraceful mothers-and who have been in and out of court for years-all to no avail-the mother just ignored the contact order. That is why several countries-particularly my own-are awash with fathers rights groups-comprised of dedicated fathers-who are desperately trying to get the system reformed.
I fyou dont believe me Sweetthangtoo-ask some of the other dads on here how much luck they have had with the family courts.
Families Need Fathers is the campaign group my friend is a member of-and they have helped him alot with his situation and trying to change the courts system.
I would love it if youre youngest child's dad took some parenting course as you suggest-but i think it is important to give a child the chance to know their father-and it sounds like youre "ex" has some issues with his mental health that may not make it easy for him-i do believe Sweetthangtoo-that you should not be too judgmental of youre ex if he is truly mentally-ill. Ask yourself-if you had a crazy mother like the one youre ex has-would you have turned out to be as good a parent as you are?
Maybe it is not entirely his fault-because his family sound awful-from how you have described them-i dont know how i might have turned out if i had a family like theirs-but i still think youre child might prefer to know a dad suffering from mental illness who might not be as consistent a father as someone with a more balanced upbringing would be -than to not get to spend any time with him at all.
And it is when youre child is older that these feelings will likely come to the fore-and resentment may surface.
And i dont think you should make him fight through courts just to "prove himself" to you-and shut him out of the child's life if he doesnt-he will not be the only one who loses out in that situation-and courts often cause bitterness and consternation (because as you know lawyers only make money by causing conflict)-it would be better if you could try some form of mediation or counselling with him.
He sounds like he needs some help-and maybe to feel valued-and maybe he can be a good father-but to blame him and shut him out is unlikely to be good for either youre child-or you in the long run-because youre child may not be happy when she finds out you shut him out-as so many of the posters on this forum ended up resenting their mothers-even though their mother was the one who raised them-and their fathers were to use youre term "deadbeats"-if you read Catfancy's post you will see she still resented her mother because her father was refused access later.
And Lyricalgirl-when i said "abuse" you should have read the context-i said that fathers who abandon their kids are abusing them-because children need a father-i also added that mothers who shut the father out of the kids lives-because of personal feelings towards him-are child-abusers-because they are depriving their child of a Dad who WANTS to be involved- i specifically mentioned the "mother brainwashing the kids thread" as an example of the type of mother i meant-she is a child-abuser-just as surely as a father who cuts a mother out of a kids lives is-or a father or mother who abandon their kids-because in all of these cases-the parent is putting their personal feelings before the welfare of the child.
Now, you point out mothers can "sucessfuly raise great kids" without biological fathers around-this is true-i never said it wasnt-for instance in some cases it cant be helped-e.g the child's father might have died-or the father might have fled and never been traced-this cant be helped. It is just unfortunate circumstances.
What i was sayin was wrong- is a situation where a father WANTS to see that child-and be there for the child-even if he arrives late in the picture-and is prevented from being there by the mother. That child has not been deprived of a father by circumstances-but by the mother. That is why that child's resentment often turns on the mother in adulthood.
What we must all understand is that however sucessful some single mothers are at comepensating for the absence of a father-and i do not deny some are very successful-it is never IDEAL for a child to grow up without having ever known one or the other of their parents-so WHEREVER POSSIBLE the Custoial Parent-and i include fathers who have custody in this-should make it possible for the other parent to see their child-reguardless of past mistakes-UNLESS that parent poses a physical risk to the child.
Lyrical-you suggest i should read other posts where children were not happy to have seen their father because him going again causes "irreperable damage". Actually-what i found interesting about the posts on here was that NONE of the people arguing that this father should not be allowed in on this thread-were kids who had been abandoned by fathers-and had the mother deny him access. ALL the posters who had experienced this situation in THEIR OWN childhood-spoke of their resentment that the "deadbeat"father was not allowed to see them-until they found him themselves as adults.
some of the posters on here who were arguing most passionately for allowing the father on this thread,access to the child- were people who as kids, had not seen their own dads-and had later developed resentment over it-even when he was a terrible dad.
They knew from their CHILDHOODS how important a father was to them-even if the mother didnt think so.
I do not agree that if the father was let in-and messed up again-the kid would resent BOTH the mother for letting the father in their lives and the father-i think if the mother gave the father a chance and he let them down-the kids would ONLY resent the father-because it is ENTIRELY HIS FAULT.
But if the child discovers he at least tried later-but was rejected by the mother-then the child would resent the father for not trying earlier-but would now ALSO resent the mother-for not letting him in their lives when he did try.
But yes i agree situations are of course different-but WHERE POSSIBLE-and where he is not a risk to the child-if a father wants to be involved-or a mother wants to be involved-i think they should be forgiven and the child should be allowed to see them.
I was most inspired on here by reading posts from single mothers-badly misreated by feckless "deadbeat" dad exe's-who STILL let the child have a relationship with the father-and said their child was STILL grateful for this. I hope the mother on this thread gives him a chance to try again-like those mothers did. And i wish this kid the best of luck-and hopefully, some sort of relationship with his dad-even if it isnt the perfect one that exists in an ideal world. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/15/2007 5:16:54 PM | In my case, yes he has his issues, but I have seen the capablilities in him to want to do things including parenting when HE wants too... I gave him 4 yrs of access to his daughter.. He missed the 5 times she had tubes in her ears that required day surgery, he never picked her up from daycare/school, he has never met her doctor, never been there when she was sick, he has no idea what is her favorites are and etc, etc.. This was in the period he was coming around when he felt like it. We still have joint custody but he has not access it at all..
I'm not angry but frustrated because people continue to say having a father around is best for the child... In alot of cases its not!
Like I said if he decided to pop back in our life, first thing I would expect is child support than some parenting courses taken to show he is serious.. I don't know what would happen to be honest but if he is willing to pay child support for starters and take parenting course that is a step in the right direction. If he sticks to that than maybe I would consider visits....
I did not shut out my sons father, he has been an excellent dad from day 1... No matter what issues I and my sons dad have had, we both never used those issues as exuses why we cannot co-parent!!!! My sons dad even took in my daughter as his own and she loves him and calls him daddy by choice!!! My ddaughter's father is an immature boy who cannot put his and mine issues aside to help co-parent!
I, and my daughter don not need the drama... It's been 2yrs and my daughter knows who he is and if he is brought up refers him by name not daddy... To her due to the past knows her dad can't be trusted, or honest, or consistent.... She has a dad who she adores and she don't need a man who comes and goes as he pleases......... | |
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