| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/16/2007 6:03:23 PM | In an ideal world cheekyirishguy what you are saying is great and wonderful and I wished ALL fathers would be involved but REALITY is all father's are not.. Mostly by choice... The father's I know that come back always walk away again and leave a emontionally, hurt, angry child behind.... I know several children who wished their dad did not exist!!! (I am talking 13-17years)... In fact I know a 12yr old who is sprialing out of control and the dad seems to not give a darn!! Most of the single mom's I know do want the Dad involved but do not want the rollercoaster ride.... A child deserves a caring, loving, safe, somewhat pridictable life not what if I wake up and Dad is gone again....
In my experience knowing all types of moms and even some dads and foster parents, in fact my best friends Mom has 2 foster kids and they been with her for 6yrs now they are 13 and 11, they have no desire to know or be in contact with their bio parents... They are happy with the mom and dad they have! Other friend in the same family is a foster mom and had her daughter since she was 2 and now is 22yrs old and has no desire to find her bio parents, her foster parents wouldn't let her bio-parents bck in her life either unless she wanted too therefore she probably will never have the desire too.. So right there proves not all kids desire their so called bio parent s
I understand what you are saying cheekyirishguy and you may have some examples and so do I... Nothing is that black n white... When it comes to a child sometimes it is best to keep a parent away... Bitterness and resentfullness is not one but there are many good reasons to guard a child... I wouldn't let my child to do something where she's getting hurt over and over and this is my point.... When you know it's gonna end in heartbreak why inflict that on a child... | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/16/2007 10:33:39 PM | Hi lyrical girl well let you know that i've to had walked out of my ex with my little girl two months after she had her because she went out and slept with another guy i didn't leave my little girl and yet i was the bad guy who got up in the early morning to take care of her every time she woke up and my ex did was sleep but don't get me wrong i love my little girl but every time i phone and try to talk to my little girl my ex always hangs up on me so i'm thinking about going to see if i can get vist with her through the courts oh i should say my little girl is turning twelve in may and the last time i did see my baby girl was just last year in December of 2006 that's the first time since i seen her when she was just five years old and now she is turning twelve. Well i just wanted to say that.  | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:06:04 AM | Jerbear, that is truly sad and I am truly sorry. My comments are specifically about a man who willingly abandoned his child for over 7 years, not about man who was involved with their child and fought to be a part of their life but was stymied by the mother. I do not agree with mother's who, out of personal hatred towards their ex, refuse the father access. I do NOT have an issue with a mother denying access to a man who has already abandoned and hurt the child or fears for her child's physical or emotional well-being.
In your case though, I wonder how much you really wanted this as in 12 years you never went to court to get access and visitation. Why did not not do this when you had a real chance at forming a bond and having a meaningful impact on this child's life? | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 11:07:58 AM | i know its a difficult one but I have two children
My daughter doesn't see her father - but has many questions that i can not answer about her identity - she is six.
my son is two and sees his father every weekend - a devoted father - asecure, much loved little boy.
My daughter as i said, has many questions.
I often sit and wonder what i would do if her dad just decided he wanted to see his daughter.
Its a difficult one.
On one extreme I hate him for leaving her, abandoning her and if im honest for leaving me. I also feel angered because there are so many unanswered questions for her.
On the other hand I believe that it is not my right to stop her from seeing him. I have the instinct to protect but it is not my right to stop her knowing him, regardless off what age he decides to do this - if he does wrong by her then it will be me she will turn and she would know what he's like - on the other hand - he may come right and she'll grow to know a love from a father which up to now she has been deprived.
U have to put aside ur personal anguish towards him and allow ur daughter to find for herself what her dad is like.
I was brought up without my dad and the more i didn't see him the more resentment grew for being with held from someone who may want me - ok - admittedly when i did seek him he didn't want me - but i had to discover that for myself. I have already told my daughter that if she wants to find her dad we will. U have to everything in ur power to allow them feel they can see both of you and not take sides.
It will be a hard thing to do - but in the long term it will be best for ur child and will increase the honour ur daughter will hold for u. as she ages she will realise the depth of the sacrifice u made by being civil to someone that has wronged you so much. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 11:08:11 AM | Sweethangtoo-i understand youre point entirely dont think i am just disreguarding youre experience because i am not..i am sure the way you have raised youre daughter and compensated for her fathers mental problems and his absence from her life is wonderful..i agree with you that nothing is black and white and i am glad you are able to have a rational disagreement with me without turning it personal or flinging irrational insults around like some people here. I understand youre position but if you read Jerbear69er's tragic story you will find there are many others out there like him whose ex-wives or girlfriendsds deny them access from pure bitterness..
I know because i have friends just like Jerbear69er and it is a tragedy to watch a father being cut out like that because of someone else's selfishness.
but i agree with you that some mothers do deny access to an ex-partner genuinely thinking that it is in the best interests of a child to do so...but sometimes they are wrong and it is not in the best interests of the child to cut the father out.
But i appreciate it is difficult for mothers to always get the decision right for two reasons...sometimes when the child is younger they dont SEEM to need their father around-or to miss him much- so the mother may think shutting him out is having no effect, but all too often it is when that child grows up that the effect becomes apparent and bitterness and painful recriminations can result.
I do not want the mother on this thread to damage her own potential relationship with her child as an adult, or to destroy any possibility that child might have of knowing her father. I agree with you that in an IDEAL world- as you put it-all fathers would be involved-but i do still believe that for a child, often, some contact with a father who is after all a part of their roots, is still better than none.
Put simply i would rather the mother on the thread did not end up like Catfancy's mother-Catfancy said it took her many years to forgive her for shutting her father out-even though he was "deadbeat"
You are right it is not black and white-and i dont think you are bitter towards youre ex-but i just would ask you to consider if he were ever, hypothetically, to try again with his daughter, at least giving her the choice- since she knows who he is- of whether or not she would like to spend some time with her dad. I dont think either way she will blame you as an adult for having given her that choice-rather she will blame him for not spending enough time with her when she finds him again as an adult. Youre best friends mum's foster kids may well want to meet their real dad and mum when they are older though..again it depends in what circumstances they were abandoned and whether the real parents were denied contact..this usually only surfaces when the child is older..that is why all the posters on this thread who were abandoned as children have said they were happy to finally find their real parents as adults. And some were resentful when they found out their mums made it difficult for their dad to be invlolved when they were younger.
I do not want to "inflict heartbreak" on a child-but i do believe that a child may well be more heartbroken to discover he never met his dad-not through his choice-but through the mum's .And i have seen the heartbreak THAT causes. And so have you-because some posters have recounted their experiences of not being allowed to see their dads on this very thread. And they were not happy when they found out.
But good luck to you in your situation Sweetthangtoo-i hope it all works out for you and youre child-and i hope the dad gets his act together-he may mature with time.
But i think we must understnad the crucial difference with Cheeky is she has never even agreed to speak to the dad in the first place-and is still hiding her child's and her whereabouts from him-i dont think it would be something the child is going to appreciate if she completely shuts the girls dad out-no ifs, no buts, doesnt even give him a single chance now he is trying.
But good luck to you in youre situation Sweetesthangtoo-i wish you and youre child all the best-and i hope youre kids father finally gets his act together-and stops hiding-he may mature with time-and he may get help for his mental illness one day-who knows.
And good luck to the lady on the thread i hope she frees her mind from any anger towards her ex and thinks clearly and rationally of herchild-and what that child may think as an adult. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 11:18:09 AM | zmp25-"i was brought up without my dad and the more i didnt see him the more the resentment grew for being witheld from someone who may want me-admittedly he didnt want me-but i had to dicover that for myself.You have everything in youre power to allow them to feel they can see both of you and not ake sides"
Youre post almost completely sums it up for me-as a guy who was lucky enough to know my dad- youre attitude with youre daughter is exemplary.
"i believe its not my right to stop her from seeing him"
Youre post is a wonderful example and i think it comes from the fact you experienced the resentment of being witheld from youre dad-and therefore you would never do it to youre daughter-even though he isnt a great dad. Great post. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 3:51:46 PM | | hell yes ,,some of those children live to be into the 80's ,and there is lots of life left in your little girl who is only 7 ,,you cant stop it because the child needs to fill a void missing that only her real dad can fill .I lived with a girl who had such an ex once and when he showed up it didn't matter what he had done or how long he stayed away ,or how long i was the step dad,they loved him unconditionally and were there for him the minute he had some time to see them .They went through some heart brake along they way but he is still there dad and at least they know they have one and have met him .The children are and married now and still talk to dad on the phone . | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 5:01:51 PM | absolutely agree desperodo-youre experience is one of many that proves the point "they went through some hearbreak but he is still their dad and at least they know they have one and have met him" Exactly. And to a child thats worth it-youre absolutely right.
as you said "the children are married now and still talk to their dad on the phone"-so it worked out for them-because the mum stll gave the dad a chance-despite him showing up late-there was more insight contained in that one post than in the last 30 Lyricalgirl posts-i hope every kid-where possible- gets the chance those children you knew, got. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 5:27:01 PM | Spiderham77 and mellissamellissa I applaud your views on this and how you express them.
It takes a big person to sweep all those feelings under the carpet long enough to really know what is best. Mostly though, think of you right now.. You are the one caring for your daughter and she needs you to be strong for her in this, if you are going to allow him back in. Just sit back let everything settle in and think things through very very carefully. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 6:01:39 PM | I have to wonder now if there has been so much rising conflict, opposition, or resistance in thought or principle on this subject throughout this thread, that the original point of all this is seemingly getting more and more lost. Secondly, 15-20 years from now when this is actually an issue for some of these helpless, innocent children to face no one is really going to remember this heated debate, let alone recognize if their position is/was right or wrong. Perhaps it's time to set aside the deep-seated mutual ill will that is becoming evident here and move on to healthier intellectual discussion.
Below are six life skills children need to thrive and to grow up to be happy, healthy, successful adults. Draw whatever conclusions from it what you will. If you're an active parent convinced this can be accomplished with no voids being felt in your child(ren) because you support them not ever knowing or having a relationship with their absent natural parent, then best of luck to your child(ren).
Attachment: "I have grown-ups who cherish me and keep me safe."
Affiliation: "I am a part of the family & group, not apart from the family & group."
Self-regulation: "I can manage my emotions and am in control of my behaviors."
Problem solving: "I can solve problems and resolve conflicts."
Initiative: "I am growing and changing and learning new things."
Celebration of self and others: "I know who I am, where I come from, I love myself, I have unique qualities to contribute, and so do you." | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:21:19 PM | I agree with all of those "life skills" and am proud to teach my daughter all of them, and in turn she is all of those things happy, healthy on on the right path to successful adulthood. I do not need any luck - I am her only natural parent and we have a wonderful family - I do not need to convince myself, she is living proof.
"I know who I am". Yes, she does - great words. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:08:21 PM | | You have every right to be bitter... and yes i would be a little pissy after him. just walking away .. wanting back in..... but hopefully some where along the line.. he realized .. how wrong it was not to see his daughter.. and maybe he grew up some.. and decided. he can't make up for time lost.. but hopefully can start a new beginning.. don't get me wrong i don't think this guy deserves any medals or anything.... but to deny your daughter the chance of knowing her father.. is something that may come back to haunt you.. especially if somewhere in the future.. they meet up.. and he tells her i tried to see you.. and your mother would not let me......sure you could come back with the fact... that he walked away from you . took off with this woman he met at the bar... but then it chances who she is ... because she is left thinking and feeling she was unwanted and unloved... it sometimes becomes a real struggle with children.. when one parent is bitter or angry with the other.. they begin to feel the need to take sides.. and when one parent becomes bitter with the other and puts them down.. it changes...who they are...they feel if my father is no good.. then maybe i am not because i am a part of him...... i know it is sometimes.. hard... because as mothers we want to protect our children from further pain in life.. and sometimes it is even hard to want to share especially when we have been the only one there.. having to be both mom and dad.. i would however if you decide too.. having family court deal with it.. because if he sincerely wants to be a part of her life and get to know her... he needs to be a part of her upbringing and provide for her as well.... | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:08:51 PM | | You have every right to be bitter... and yes i would be a little pissy after him. just walking away .. wanting back in..... but hopefully some where along the line.. he realized .. how wrong it was not to see his daughter.. and maybe he grew up some.. and decided. he can't make up for time lost.. but hopefully can start a new beginning.. don't get me wrong i don't think this guy deserves any medals or anything.... but to deny your daughter the chance of knowing her father.. is something that may come back to haunt you.. especially if somewhere in the future.. they meet up.. and he tells her i tried to see you.. and your mother would not let me......sure you could come back with the fact... that he walked away from you . took off with this woman he met at the bar... but then it chances who she is ... because she is left thinking and feeling she was unwanted and unloved... it sometimes becomes a real struggle with children.. when one parent is bitter or angry with the other.. they begin to feel the need to take sides.. and when one parent becomes bitter with the other and puts them down.. it changes...who they are...they feel if my father is no good.. then maybe i am not because i am a part of him...... i know it is sometimes.. hard... because as mothers we want to protect our children from further pain in life.. and sometimes it is even hard to want to share especially when we have been the only one there.. having to be both mom and dad.. i would however if you decide too.. having family court deal with it.. because if he sincerely wants to be a part of her life and get to know her... he needs to be a part of her upbringing and provide for her as well.... | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:43:05 PM | People are missing the fact that the guy left when he was 20.. and young .. and immature.
Maybe he has matured just a little bit... he's going to have to face the music.. and so is mommy.
The funny thing is, in other threads i see "oh i wish my ex would be a art of my kids life" and everyone consoles and agrees that yes, the father is a low life and should spend more time with the kids.. then i see these threads where the father wants to start to be part of the kids life, accept responcibility, and progress towards a relationship, and its.. "thatlow life has no right to just walt back in".
who says he is waltzing? i am pretty sure he did a lot of soul searcing and thought before taking that VERY hard step to pick up the phone and ask to see HIS child.
Don't you think it would have been easier to just stay away? He just opened pandoras box ..
back support payments will catch up to him, but he gets to know his co-creation.
And step up to his responcibility which is always satisfying. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/17/2007 11:56:24 PM | I dont really talk about things like this my daughters mother left when she was 5 months old. I have had her with me all her life, (she will be 16)
I will call her mom anne. Anne didnt see her child or call nothing for 10yrs.
My daughter would ask over and over for me to find her and it wasn't easy but I had to refuse! I havent left the city, my phone # is in the book, my parents have lived in the same house and have the same phone# for 30yrs, as well. I wuold tell her that when Anne was ready to be a mother that she will look for her and I was right. I know that she wass not going to be a good influance so mabe it is better not to be a bad parent.
My child has very little respect for her and that is something that she will have to earn.
She can go visit anytime but hardly does that is her mothers problem just let your child know everyday that you love her and that you will always be the rock in her life.
WARNING if you refuse to let him see. It may come back and bite you hard! She may blame you for never knowing her father. guess what? she wont be wrong . Good luck its not easy but the rewards that come in time are priceless  you will do whats best | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/18/2007 12:12:50 AM | I had a male friend that was in that boat, except the woman told him the kid wasnt his then 7 yrs later appeared for child support etc. and demanded he be in the childs life,
he was completely caught off guard by all of this, he asked the same thing...how can you just appear in a kids life after so long ....it really is a damned if you do damned if you dont, this case it worked great beign the courts have controll, you as well have the upper hand,
bottom line is you will never know whats best unless you try, it really is the childs choice, the child is 7 and knows more than we think they do, you can never take a choice like that away from a child because they could grow up resenting you, as long as its left as positive on your end, be welcoming of it and let the dad do the explaining when questions are asked the child will grow to know the truth and love and respect you far more in the end.
The father has no rights no guardianship etc. the courts are aware of this if it ever came to this. They will monitor it and as long as everything is documented on your end you are set, if it ever came to a point in proving that this is not best for the child and the child is suffering or in the event the child turns around and states "i dont want to see him" and there is valid reason for her to say this not just because she doesnt like rules etc. then the courts honour this. it just has to be presented in a mature manner with valid cause and concern, it can be made so that he is slowly re-united with the child so that it is not a sudden shock that it will cause adverse effects.
honestly there is so many options out there for you in this situation but bottom line the child is #1 and you dont want this child to resent you from knowing who her father is, she will form her own opinion, and again your damned if you do and your damned if you dont,
i wish you all the luck and hope it all works out for you in the end !!!! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/18/2007 6:32:54 AM | Melissamelissa, oxlady, spiderham77.cheeky irishguy..
I believe that your comments are very wise.. The child for the most part is the first person you considered. For a long time I was very resentful towards my kids biological father. I was lucky in the sense though that we weren't close to each other, making it easier to move on and heal. I am friends with his fam, I send pic's and all that cool stuff. The he called here one day, and I could feel the anxiety coming on, until my current boyfriend said Romper" be nice, you have his world and you've held it for 7 years now." It just clicked in my head. This poor man ****ed up royally, yet he didn't break me, he's the one that doesn't know HIS kids. I listened to him , I laughed, and I TALKED to him. I tried to release some guilt he may have been feeling, and told him that maybe this hiatus gave us time to grow and learn how to work together.
I don't resent him for the crap he's pulled cause looking back Im definitely in a better place without him, as he probably is too. He now knows : that the kids know about him, they have pictures of him, and they will meet and develop a relationship, with me in the background encouraging them to.
For those who still sound quite bitter........ if you focused on only the bad in all the other aspects in your life you would sound the same.. Try just looking for the possibilities and the good that can come out of it ,and remember that the success rate of whatever happens depends on you.. If you badmouth, or let your kids know your true feelings (especially now) it makes it harder for them , and they start judging by your experiences and not theirs.. Making their life harder.. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/18/2007 7:27:41 AM | Cheeky13 My opinion ABSULUTLY NOT!!!!! If I were you I would have gotten his parental rights taken away six years ago. I was recently with a man for eight years, and as soon as he found out I was pregnant hit the road. AFTER EIGHT YEARS!!!!! He left in June of 2005 and I had my beautiful baby girl in December of 2005. He has never seen her and if I have my way he NEVER will!!! Don't get me wrong, I tried to make contact, have even sent his parents pictures. She is 16 months old now and believe me when she turns two I will have his parental rights taken away. I could rant forever on this subject.
Good Luck and God Bless
I will say a prayer for you!!! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:20:39 AM | I also looked into this awhile back, haven't proceeded with it yet but you could apply for the other parent's rights to be legally taken away but there has to be a good reason and abandonment is one... If the child has a father figure in her/his life the court will also consider that as well and of course the other parent could contest it... If the bio dad has not paid child support or doesn't have the means to support a child is also look at.
It is rarely done and often discouraged because over time things do change.. You do need a good reason and if he does not contest it or his family it could happen.. But most courts like to make the other parent pay even if they have no contact with the child..
I know a woman who had a baby 16yrs ago and the father was given optunities to see his son but chose not too.. She did meet a guy and got married and they proceeded with the new guy adopting her son.. The bio dad did not contest or fight for his son.. He was maybe 2 then but he's 16 now and recently met his bio father but he has no real interst because the man that raised him is his father. In the end it all comes back in one way or another!! | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/19/2007 7:26:48 AM | | In Michigan if a parent does not pay support or have any contact with a child for two years or more the custodial parent has the right to petition the court to have parental rights terminated. Which means the other parent cant decide to come back into the childs life whenever they feel like it. Of course the parent can fight the petition if they so choose but I really don't think in my case that is going to be a problem. I am not sure how other states work. | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/19/2007 8:21:19 AM | This is from experience.
I was married for a little while and got divorced. He didn't take it very well and literally stopped seeing his children for years. We would e-mail back and forth a couple times a year but nothing else.
Then he calls outta the blue and says "I want to see my children"
I was real conflicted. I didn't want to allow him back just for them to become attached then to drop them like a hot potatoe.
Then I thought about it. The resiliency of children. That he is their father. That they have a right to make the decision to allow him into their lives or to kick him to the curb.
Unless he is a drug addict or rapist I would say let him see her. She is more than capable of deducing that he's an ***hole or of using her intuition to allow him into her life. Even if he fails her and ends up running away, at least she knows and was allowed to discover the truth opposed to just hearing it from you.
Its hard but you can do it :-)
Diva | |
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| After 7 years, should he be able to walk back into his daughters life?
Posted: 4/19/2007 6:19:33 PM |
Waltz in? NO. But, he should be given an opportunity to show his intentions to you and gradually ease into your daughters life.
I have to agree with her...my son's father has never seen his son, and hasn't tried to contact me since I was 3 months pregnant with him. But if he came back, I'd rake his ass over hot coals for 15 months worth of child support, and then I'd slowly ease him into my son's life.
Maybe it's different for me...my son considers my ex his father, he was there for most of my pregnancy, and has been there since my son was born...he still takes him on the weekends so that he can spend time with his little man and let me have a night to go out with my friends.
But I have to agree with her...do NOT let him jump in and play daddy so that when he takes off again, it breaks your daughter's heart. I know how defensive mothers get when our kids get hurt, and I can just imagine how intensly pissed you'd be...he should have one chance to make things right, but if he screws it up, don't let him have another. | |
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