| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:32:07 PM | It's way too soon for either one of you to be thinking of a committment..didn't you just meet? Dated a few weeks and had sex...possibly by default? loneliness or some other emotion happened for a night? The sex sure wasn't because the two of you were in love..it happened and if it DIDN'T happen would you still be having a problem with her needing to take it slow? See how premature sex messes up what could be a good thing? Now you may never truly know the course this would have taken if that night didn't happen and you were both taking it slow and beginning this as friends first. A lot of great relationships have started off as friends first and getting to know one another on a deeper level.
If she's worth it and you decide to stay then use this time wisely and show her what your made of...but in the meantime, be watching her to see what she's truly made of and do you even like her? really? Best Wishes! | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:39:33 PM | "take things slow" is girlspeak for "I don't want to have sex with you because I'll get attached, and I want to see what kind of person you are before I get attached".
While men can have multiple sexual relationships (often at the same time!) and never look back, or never really feel the need to stick around, women are very much hampered by getting sexual with someone they don't trust - they become very vulnerable (in more ways than one). I am speaking generally here. You see guys and girls that don't feel or behave typically, but in general, for women sex means an emotional connection more than it does for a man (at least initially). That's part of why women get so worked up when you have sex with them and you don't call them right away.
You have to remember that "take things slow" means something very different for a woman than it does for a guy. If a guy says it, he's looking for an out (especially if he's a sleazebag and has already gotten what he's looking for), if a woman says it, she actually wants to take things slow because she doesn't want to get hurt again. If you really care about her (which it sounds like you might be a real man and actually have some sense in how to care for a woman), stick around, if not, go to the next easy lay if that's what you're looking for. Remember: it's guys who don't say things directly, often because they don't know how to say them, or because they might not even know what they're feeling for that matter. It's not considered "manly" by the football-watching, beer-guzzling part of mainstream society, to be emotionally evolved. A real man will not get insecure about this, IF he actually cares about the woman who is saying it, and actually respect her. A woman will actually tell you how she's feeling though, you don't have to second guess yourself. Maybe you should ask her to clarify herself, what she means, like other posters have suggested.
I know that I might be breaking some bullshit guy code here...but I've never been the one to conform to antiquated gender stereotypes.
Take things slow means just that. She just doesnt want her heart broken.
This is pretty much one of the only guys on this thread who gets it. Oh yes, and onesimpleneed, thanks also for existing, you guys give me hope in men, among all the bad ones out there..
| |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:40:52 PM | From my experience, "Take it slow" is an implicit promise to dump you.
Abide by it, and you'll be dumped "because the sprark just isn't there."
Disregard it, and you'll be dumped "for ignoring her feelings." | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:43:12 PM |
"take things slow" is girlspeak for "I don't want to have sex with you because I'll get attached, and I want to see what kind of person you are before I get attached".
You are almost correct there.... what you wrote is an incomplete statement.... it ends like this:
"...and I want to see what kind of person you are before I get attached....
... to someone other than YOU".
 | |
|
| |
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/12/2007 9:34:52 PM |
I'm ready for a relationship and I sure do not want to wait until she's ready
.. do you think maybe her intuition is telling her something? If you really cared about her, you would wait until she's ready. | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/12/2007 9:48:56 PM | I am once again putting in my two cents for this subject. "Take things slow," I have this in my profile. I have had a few relationships in the past where a person was telling me they loved me in less than a week of talking in IMs. To me, that is a little soon, especially since we had not met yet.
So, that statement means, from my point of view that is, that I do not want to hear that some one is in love with me after reading my profile, I want to get to know the person. After a conversation, it is not possible, in my eyes, to be in love. I base this from past experience. You tell some one you are in love, meet and curse the day you even started speaking with that person is not true love.
If you are in too much of a hurry to be in love, meet a person just to get them in bed, is it love? I don't think it is. To get to know the total aspects of a person, seeing if they match yours or it if those quirky things that are in the other person can be tolerated over long periods of time, to build a trust and understanding of one another is hard work but the relationship will have a firm foundation to lean on when things look bad.
To take our time for me means, get to know what's in my mind before you try to get to know what's in my pants. | |
|
Kengne
|
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 58 | |
| Hey Fuzz - please listen to her
Posted: 4/18/2007 7:55:53 AM | I have told men that I want to take things slow. And I meant exactly that.
If I wasn't feeling them, or interested in them AT ALL - I wouldn't have even bothered telling them that.
So I don't nec think she is not into you. I think she just wants to be sure of who she is involving herself with. Maybe she's come out of a bad relship. Maybe she wants to know what its like to be single. Maybe she wants to keep her options open. Maybe she has trust issues? Who knows... but what you need to do is listen to her, and believe what she tells you.
Go at her pace, but def live your life. Continue to date others. If you can't take the slow pace - move on, but don't try to force her. It will only push her further away.
Good luck!
K. | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:11:12 AM | OP...well, I really think that she should have told you from the beginning that she wanted to take things slow (really get to know you) before taking the step to a sexual relationship. She may mean the same thing now, even after having sex...she could have realized that she may have allowed something to happen that she wasn't really ready for yet in your relationship.
If you are ready for a relationship and not sure if you want to wait until she is ready, are you sure that she is the person that you want to be in a relationship with. If she is, isn't she worth the wait...no matter how long?
Just my opinion, but a relationship that only ended a couple of months ago may still have some influence on her and she just wants to be sure of herself before rushing into anything new. | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:45:59 AM | I agree with all the other posters that said she's just not that into you. If she said this after having sex with you, is a huge  red flag. It means it really wasn't that good for her and she's sorry she did it. The less than romantic kisses afterwards show the same thing.
All those posters that said women need more time and emotional attachment before "deciding" about a relationship (blah blah blah) I feel sorry for you. If the chemistry had been there and there were skyrockets flying; and he's shown he's not a scumbag etc; then this spells out very simply: she's sorry she slept with him and has befriended him with the option of stringing him along "just in case."
Taking things slow = i'm not interested, although you're a really nice guy I want to keep close just in case I need a man around. | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:58:01 AM | Scruldbrug???? :::Blinks:: Did I just read a post that said "Never" take advise from Women because they don't date women?
DUDE!! Women may not date women, but they sure do date MORONs like you.
If a woman says she knows what "Take it slow" means I bet they know what they mean better than any of us hairy legged men. From the "Mouths of a Fool" spouts stupidity. Clearly you either too young to understand women, or an old fool that lived with closed ears.
I only ask this. "Why take advise from a man like Scruld who clearly isn't having luck with women?"
He is probably online because some woman said, "Take it slow" so he went looking for someone easy. From what I am reading from these women, Most of them seem to agree with what take it slow means. Listen to them, they are of the same Emotional species of mankind. | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 4/18/2007 1:34:42 PM |
For my two cents.. it means that she is feeling insecure and confused after having had sex with you. I agree with greeneyes that having sex with you may have been hormonal and then in the morning she was like.."oh no, what if he leaves too..."
Boggle!!!
Wait a tic?? This is considered and acceptable reaction and excuse for behavior.. "it was hormonal"?? You have got to be kidding me. So if a guy has sex with you and the next day flakes out, you are more than willing to accept the fact that his behavior and desire to have sex with you was simply "hormonal" and let it go at that? I am going to go out on a rather spindly limb here and suggest that I dont think most women would. So why a double standard?
I am all for the need to see the female perspective (so long as women are inclined to return the favor and have a gander into the male perspective), but lets not have this be some sort of bizare double standard. How about instead of using some pithy cliche like "Taking it slow", instead of blaming it on hormones or post coitus regret, how about people of both sexes simply drop all the BS pretenses and just lay it out on the line, and say what they really mean and feel and let the chips fall as they may.
How about instead of worrying so much about being the "good guy" or "bad guy" in a discussion, both sexes simply say what they really mean, and really mean what they say, and let go of the proverbial "catch phrases" that only lead to more confusion and misunderstanding? Don't say "We need to slow down" as if that is some be all end all answer we can all comprehend, elaboration can work wonders. Try it.
Have fun ;)! | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/18/2008 8:32:06 PM | My question for you is have you thought about asking her what she believes 'taking it slow' means to her? Before you make a decision, ask her, and listen to what she has to say. In my opinion, if she wanted to take things slow she wouldn't have had sex with you. It sounds like she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship due to her ex. Maybe she's scared and nervous. Like I said before Ask her and see what she says...judge for youself if what she says is something you are willing to stick around for or if you should cut your losses.
With whatever happens....good luck. | |
|
| |
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/18/2008 9:50:10 PM | I have no idea why the OP is confused.
It's really simple. You had sex with her, but it didn't set off fireworks for her, and she's "just not that into you". However, she's a single mom with an 8 month old, alone, and afraid, so she wants you in her life to affirm that she's attactive and desirable. It also seems that you're ready and willing to agree with her about how "awful" the baby's father is, and that, too, makes her feel better about herself.
Simple, OP. There is no "there" there for her. She's made you into a "girlfriend", not the man she desires as a woman desires a man who she wants to share her bed at night. | |
|
| |
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/19/2008 5:32:18 PM | This is a pretty good post. (the original post was about 4 years ago. I was glad it got brought back to life.
Can I throw my personal experience in here?
1) Met girl Who has been divorced ( I was her first date).
2) Told me from beginning that she wanted to take things slow and she did not want to
rush into a relationship.
3) Has told me the following at different times times. A) don't want to make a mistake
b) afraid of getting hurt, c) enjoyed spening time with me more than she thought
d) was fighting the feelings.
4) We probably rushed things with the sex (SHE initiated it, although I of course
was a willing participant.
5) I was pretty much getting mixed messages the whole two months we were dating but
just chalked that up to her being confused. She did some what I would consider very
personal things that I just don't think you do to someone that you don't like. When
I mentioned that to her, she said she didn't see it as any big deal.
Things were going great from my perspective although I was trying to not put ANY pressure on her. I did let her know how I felt about her. I was doing things on her time schedule, mainly letting her make the calls and pick the dates that we woudl see each other.
The last night we were together was nothing short of Magical. It was great. Well I sent her an email the next day and did not get a response. I called her a couple of days later and she said she needed a break. :( I said okay then tried to not contact her to much. She called me sometime after that and we talked and she said that she was not dumping me but wanted to take a step back, WAY (she was pretty heavy on that word)
She went out of the country on the 10th of this month for 5 weeks. I sent her an email the week (the break had lasted 2 weeks at this point) before she was going, basically asking if we could do dinner and telling her that I was pretty much free any day except for one. She pretty much said sorry, I have to much to do.
She called me two days before she left to tell me good bye. That same day expecting to not hear from her for a while I had sent her some bubble bath and a CD she was wanting along with a a nice card (NON mushy but very nice) . It showed up the next day and she sent me a nice thank you email.
This week was my bday and from Colombia she just sent me a simple, Happy bday email with no other details. Just a two line email.
The last night we talked, I tried to get her to say whether I was dumped and really couldn't get that out of her.
I dont know if I should flat out 1) Move on and blow her off, 2) Try to be more patient or what. I have to tell you that I have been single for over 10 years. This, Woman had me hooked from the first time she smiled. I have told her countless times that although I wished she wouldn't, I completely understood her needing to date other people to get a feel for whats out there. ( I also told her that I believed my qualities would win over any guy she met)
I really can't get this situation out of my mind. Its been eating me up and I've been re-reading emails, replaying phone conversations in my mind ect ect trynig to figure out what happened.
THANKS | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/19/2008 5:56:22 PM | How's this for a wild and outa left field sugestion?
Why don't you ask her what she means instead of 300 people on this forum?
The fact is everyone could be right - She's a unique human being and her world involves an ex husband, a child, a failed relationship and a justifiable fear that she may not be a great judge when it comes to men .... Can you blame her?
Ask her! ..... Talk to her .....
Tell her you really like her and you want to understand what she's contending with?
It's called communication .....
If you "kick her to the curb" as one guy suggested and don't take the time to really know her as a human being then you and your penis are in for a rough road ahead. That said - you seem like a nice guy ..... If she's truly a keeper she'll tell you - if you give her time.... | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:23:59 PM | Thanks Markeric,
I've kind of tried to ask but at the same time not wanting to be pushy. I did try to get her to tell me that she was dumping me before she went on her vacation. Pretty much wanted to know where I stood before she went on her trip A couple of weeks before she went on her trip, she seemed concerned that I would find someone else while she was gone. (although I believe she knows that I'm not really that kind of person) She was also kind of trying to push me to go looking. (I kind of thought that this might have been some sort of test). On our very last conversation she did tell me that she didn't know if we would see each other romantically. (I kind of figured this was part of the taking a step WAY back) She had gotten off these sites some time ago and also said on our last conversation that she didn't know if she would be getting back on or not.
I think that if everyone completely got the answers out of the people they are dating, there woudn't be any need for these forums. :)
THANKS | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:32:38 PM | i think take things slow means don;t go so fast , maybe rithem or positions are wanted . and if they like hamocks or nature spots better do it just to know. yep going slow is fun . going to fast is arobic and romance demands two as one. wait this one may have flown over my head | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:36:55 PM | | what kind of retarted question is that? Duh it means what it means....it means don't push me into being the center of your world,don't tell me you love me because you happen to be drunk, don't expect me to like you, and don't be annoying......! | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/19/2008 11:22:51 PM |
She's already had sex with you. Kind of late to "take it slow"
My thoughts exactly, a little too late for going slow. I would not be surprised a bit later on if the "going slow" gets thrown out the window with her next guy of choice. | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/20/2008 12:50:39 PM | Ok... I am a woman.. in the same predicament... but on opposite sides of OP. Now I cannot speak for the lady that OP is referring to, I would like to hear responses.
Because as confusing as it is for the poor fella putting up with this... its also as confusing to me... how do you explain it???
Just broke up with someone... not a long relationship - 4mos. Ok, prior to that was really having some serious dating burnout. Everyone is saying, "you need to get back out there, get back on that horse" (and i do think they really intended that pun!)
So I come back to POF - but I'm seriously not feeling it! I meet several really nice guys, but not any "it". But thats ok, im actually enjoying some "me time" and making alot of great new friends. (its important to me to surround myself with good and decent people). Then I meet a particular fella - and our raport is fantastic... chemistry is great... dates are fabulous... but I still dont feel "it". I let him know well in advance that I am on the rebound and in a serious dating funk. (communicated clearly, not subltly!) And that I want to take things rather slowly, that I do not want to jump from one relationship to another. Well after a couple weeks, he is obviously feeling "it" and then theres talk on his part like we are already in a relationship...
Then im not liking our conversations so much... I let him know that im sort of "cooling off". And he is really upset. And I cant help but feel that as honest as I tried to be, that I somehow did something wrong.
So.. there it is... interpret as you will , cuz i cant figure the damn thing out.. and he wants an explanation that I simply dont have to give him.
 | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/20/2008 12:58:32 PM |
If you are in too much of a hurry to be in love, meet a person just to get them in bed, is it love? I don't think it is. To get to know the total aspects of a person, seeing if they match yours or it if those quirky things that are in the other person can be tolerated over long periods of time, to build a trust and understanding of one another is hard work but the relationship will have a firm foundation to lean on when things look bad.
Getting past all the "feelings as reality" smokescreen, what it means is that she is more fearful of getting hurt, than hopeful of developing intimacy. So, she wants to have "control" and wants a man to "earn" her trust, by "proving" a negative.
Of course, trust can't really be "earned", and it's futile trying to "prove" a negative, such as that you aren't like her ex.
What it really means is that she doesn't want a relationship, where she has feelings beyond her control. She's responsive primarily to fear, and she doesn't want to have deep intimacy.
When I was "looking", I would never respond to a woman who had "friends first", "take things slow", etc. in her profile. It rarely "works", and there are too many women out there with positive, hopeful motivations, to pursue someone who is telegraphing her negative disposition from the get go. | |
|
| gals....what does take things slow really mean?
Posted: 7/20/2008 1:06:11 PM | L80nw8ng, My personal opinion (and I doubt if this makes a lot of sense) is that you probably are scared (which is natural) and probably subconsciouly your brain is shutting the door on this guy. ( I kind of think that is what the one girl is doing/did to me.
We went from talking all the time, the conversations flowed very smoothly, the times together were fantastic ( I KNOW she liked them to) and we went from that to over night to nothing. My opinion is about the only explanation that I can really come up with (and I have been going through emails and phone conversations over and over trying to figure out when something could have changed and am at a loss.
From my side, if you like the guy (even as a friend) I think you should still go out with him and see if your thinking completely goes one way or the other. I of course am in the guys shoes and am hoping the same thing with the girl I am dealing with.
If it is fear, then I think it would slowly disapate (as long as the guy isn't pressuring you. If he is pressuring you, it will have the opposite effect. | |
|
Home
login 
