| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 4/27/2007 2:19:11 AM | Well, again me posting without reading all previous posts, sorry if I repeat others.
I am sorry for your experience muppetkiss. I don't know if they are born like that, there's a lot of unknown territory with personality issues regarding nature and/or nurture. You seem to have read a lot and have the 'intellectual' part under 'control'.
I just wanted to add that you are not desperate for staying too long with someone like him. Personally, I find those characters extremely interesting and fascinating. They are quite different and pose many challenges. However, when facing one of those, I rather don't get emotionally involved. I think they are born/raised with an in built mechanism to awake compassion and understanding justifications in others. Besides, you know what they say? The smarter you are, the more you attract troubled people. They seem to know where to go to find the light they don't have themselves.
Good luck, don't beat your self too much, they are professionals at what they do.
Bye
B | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 4/27/2007 2:37:35 AM | Hi there,
Well, it sems simple enough to me. You were having some fun with a nice looking fun guy.......if it's what you both wanted and were enjoying then who wouldn't? It isn't your fault he has turned out to be the way he is. This was some fun but it's always a time to call it to a halt when it is no longer pleasant (sociopath or not!) so do just that. Think of it as a bit of a shame, never mind and then DO NOT let it drag you down. You don't put a chip on your shoulder because of this guy or any other for that matter and someone else acting like an idiot should never, ever make you doubt yourself - so don't. You know you never made a bad decision nor let it affect anything you think/say/do in the future. Put it down to experience, dust yourself off and go get another date...they are supposed to be enjoyable remember?
Bless you! I wish you all the best
x | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 4/27/2007 3:20:18 AM | I wasmarried for 36yrs to thisn kind of guy.Stayed because they suck you in very good at isolating yoy {Stockholm syndrom} You only havethem. I also had children 2 boys and 1 girl. They feed off you to boost their ego you loose all self worth. The thing is I stayed partly for the children better lifestyle? Now he is using the kids to feed off invloving them in work and debts. BOTH MY SON AND MY DAUGHTER ENDED UP IN A SIMILAR RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE NORM.Feel bad about that what I am saying is never think you should stay and try to help change them they don't care about anyone or anything but themselves and are delusional. Well thats cleared my head I am now divourced and making up for lost time life is great. Hope this helps anyone from suffering this    | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:24:26 AM | He could have one of many different personality disorders, but why even bother trying to figure it out or speculate on whether it is his fault? Doing so will only keep you involved (even if it is at an arm's length) when you know the best thing for you is to walk away- mind and body. It's easy for a compassionate person to make excuses for someone like him by attributing their behaviour to a difficult childhood, a chemical disorder, etc. but the bottom line is that he is detrimental to your well-being. Don't beat yourself up by saying that he must have singled you out. Seeking out a relationship and experiencing lonliness is not pathetic- it's part of the human condition. Lonliness itself is usually a temporary state and will change once you find a person who is great for you.
Here's your action item- quite a few people have mentioned it already- find the support system you need so you can cut him right out from your life. It's hard to do on your own or you would have done it sooner- so get help from someone tangible in your life. You already know what you need to do- you just need a system in place to support you while you go through a difficult process like this. This is one road you shouldn't try to walk alone. | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:35:43 AM | Don't know whether you can judge a person being a "sociopath" because neuroses come out in all sorts of wierd ways. The question to ask yourself is "do you like what you've seen, heard and experienced?". I try to put myself in your shoes and ask if I would continue to socialize with a woman who had all those traits? My answer is 100% "no way". The angry outbursts alone is something I would not have in my life, because raging while driving or at a public place is just going to feed more rage.
You sound like a very nice lady and ought to find a nice guy who isn't prone to outburst of rage and who doesn't devalue women by posting some kind of shrine to all the dates he can conquer by his superficial casual charm. Look for deeper traits that come through over time. You deserve somebody solid and you will find them. Graig from Vernon BC. | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 4/28/2007 8:36:15 AM | Your friend sounds like a great catch. Self Confident, callous, danger seeking; sounds like the bad boy alot of women go for. A "real" man, according to some. Hes better than a pushover right?
Seriously though, you have to approach him as you would a hypnotist who, with only words, can make you do things you don't want to . When you find yourself conceding to his will, stop and think. Its almost like kicking a drug habit. The addiction will make taking more drugs seem rational, but you have to shift into the mode of thought that knows its the wrong thing to do. | |
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mogwen
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Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 57 | |
| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 4/28/2007 9:15:00 AM | Well Muppet baby,
I can say you woke up faster than I did. I was in a desperately needy space when I left my husband and let a man into my home and my life. He didn't have a place to live and it was winter and he treated me really nice and said all the right things. He managed to have only the odd bit of behaviour that I was willing to overlook to have the companionship. My ex was borderline personality disorder which he refused conventional treatment for and home medicated with mj and alcohol. After 28 years and three kids I got out as I could see that it was never going to be good. The kids were grown and there were no more threats of never seeing them again. The new guy was very handsome and had "potential" . All my women acquaintances were gaga over him. All my close friends (I found out later) tolerated him because they were my friends. He mostly creeped them out. He had all the characteristics of a sociopath but I couldn't see it at the time. There was a straw and it broke the camel's back and I gave him an ultimatum. You are either commited to this relationship or you are gone. He chose to run. I was devestated. Now all my kids were out of town and I was partnerless and alone for the first time. Thankfully I had friends to support me and I threw myself into classes every night of the week to avoid my empty nest. It took about 5 months to get my head on straight. I got counselling and kept up my spiritual practice. I live in a small city and he still shows up at events I go to but I have told him to stay away. He kept thinking we could be friends and have casual sex. Once I said I didn't have sex with my friends, and my friends don't treat me the way you do, he gave me the cold shoulder but was "nice" in public. I told him to stay away or I would become vocal and embarass him. He didn't, I did. He finally got the message. I still have moments of "how could I have been so blind?!! blonde?!! and the like. There was a time that they consumed me. They are only fleeting moments now. I got on line here last fall and met some nice people and am now "dating" a gentle and loving fellow. I am taking it very slowly and listening to what my inner guide is saying.
You have to let this guy go. Walk away and don't look back.... remember the line from the Grateful Dead song..... a little voice inside my head said 'don't look back, you can never look back', I thought I knew what love was, what did I know, those days are gone forever, I have to let them go. I say run as fast as you can .... a Pink song is coming on. I will spare you. LOL
You are worthy of good and true love with an honest and loving person. Know this. Take your time. Use your head AND your heart. You are a woman, trust your intuition. Accept only the highest and the best. Take this as a lesson to love yourself so much you won't be wowed by "nice" words. Take some time to heal from this experience. Play and have fun with your women friends for awhile until you get your bearings. Then try again and listen to yourself, you are usually never wrong.
Wishing you the best.
blessings
wendy | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 5/2/2007 9:43:03 AM | | I am amazed at how many good people are on POF. I want you to know I have read each & every one of your posts and all of them have been very valuable to me. I haven't seen my "friend" in two weeks now. He seems to be backing off as well, for the most part. Looking back on the whole situation makes me sick to my stomach, however, I am relieved to at least have some understanding of what I'm dealing with. It has saved me quite a bit of sanity. I am making a much greater effort to make new friends and to expand my social circle. I day after I realized what was probably going on, I went to a party to make some new friends and had forgotten what it was like to be around "sane" people. They welcomed me with open arms and I will be doing many more activities with them. God bless you all. | |
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| oh-god...
Posted: 10/4/2007 9:47:04 AM | | I haven't talked to him in a few months... I just found out he's engaged to a 20 year old girl. Should I warn her? What would you do? | |
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| oh-god...
Posted: 10/4/2007 11:53:11 AM | | No, I think you should not. You would look strange, to say the least, and she would not in million years believe you. It is ok to just let it go. | |
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| oh-god...
Posted: 10/4/2007 2:05:48 PM | | 24 eh.. Don't take this the wrong way but a lot of young guys around my age fantasize about getting with an older woman but have no serious intentions of staying with her, he's thinking " I can't bring her back home! What will my family think of me dating someone 14 years older than me?" That's what most of them will be thinking like, watch out. I notice a lot of guys my generation and younger when it comes to sex are just savages and have no real intention of being loyal or treating you right which i suspect is why I meet a lot of girls who act the same way because they don't trust guys anymore, it's sad really. | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 10/30/2007 10:31:03 PM | not to sound rude but hon he is just acting his age.
he is no sociopath.
you are nearly 40 yrs old.
of course you can't relate!
you can't have a real relationship with someone that young.
you should know better. | |
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| oh-god...
Posted: 10/30/2007 10:33:14 PM | i am blunt and that is why i should not post anything on forum, but i think you ought to leave that kid alone.
if he is engaged well he isn't bothering you. | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 10/30/2007 10:51:47 PM | | Sounds more like borderline personality disorder. They are able to express emotions,but mainly negative ones. Anger, hate. The motto for them "I hate you don't leave me" If you see him, tell him to see professional help. Most of the time they are unaware of their condition. | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:44:30 PM | wow. i was just about to make almost the exact same post. frickin weird.
i know what you are going through.
i pray you have cut him loose.
my ex bf was like this. he was always antisocial, constantly on dating sites , flirting with other girls, and if we fought , he would turn off like a stone wall, and act so disattached. his bad family past kept me close, i excused his bad actions for it.
these people are the worst to be in relationships with. they will constantly make you feel like shit, make you rethink your actions, and make you feel so embaressed when they do not even blink at your tears or pain.
i dont think these people can change. they do not realize how they are. its not you, its them. and i am not just saying that. i realized this slowly and it makes me breathe a sigh of relief when i realize, thank god it wasn't me that wasn't working hard enough, nothing would ever be good enough for him. period.
please do not feel bad for him, or excuse him bc he has this problem. we have excused thier actions for far too long. they prey on women who feel sorry for them, who are quick to forgive.
i know it is easier said then done, but just try and detatch. whenever you do something nice for him, just remember it affects him zero.
you could be the hottest girl in the world, the nicest, wait on him hand and foot 24/7, let him live the most lavish life, never yell at him, --and he would still react the same way.
you do not need to change. and he will never change.
there is a website http://predatorawareness.blogspot.com/2007/03/imagine-and-save-yourself.html
it is amazing. it is a godsend when i first found it.
i hope i helped.
goodluck hun.
you can tell him what you found out-but just remember, he might use it to your disadvantage. he might enjoy that you realize he doesnt care about how he makes you feel, he might feel proud that you are still with him, and feel he can let loose and be worse. | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 3/3/2008 12:32:45 PM | | Maybe you think that by analyzing all these personality types, you can understand him and CHANGE him. Run for the hills! Sociopaths CANNOT CHANGE. They cannot be rehabilitated, unless they do some serious work... of which he is not interested. My bets are that this guy will end up in PRISON, so maybe you would want to work with him behind bars? | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 3/5/2008 5:07:03 AM | Sociopaths come in a range of varieties, but it is a very severe mood disorder and quite rare. More common are less severe personality disorders like borderline personality disorder, whose sufferers exhibit similar symptoms.
Generally a diagnosis of a mood disorder can only be properly done by an appropriately qualified medical professional, such as a psychiatrist. We should avoid over-diagnosing conditions in ourselves or partners, unless their behaviours are so evidently off the rails something is definitely and clearly wrong with that person. | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:55:26 PM |
And most personality disorders are due to a chemcial imbalance
Wrong.
Sociopaths come in a range of varieties, but it is a very severe mood disorder and quite rare.
Wrong. Anti Social Personality Disorder (Sociopath) is not a mood disorder - it's a personality disorder - big diference!
People with personality disorders don't have a consience or empathy - people with mood disorders do.
These are by far the best support group on the net for people that have been affected by ASPD/NPD ... just don't be conned into buying Sam Vankin's book!!!
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER
http://groups.msn.com/PSYCHOPATH
Take care  | |
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| Just learned he's probably a sociopath...
Posted: 3/6/2008 3:54:42 AM | | I agree that his behaviour will only get worse rather than better. Stay as far away from him as possible, don't even think about being his friend. You have too much going for you and deserve so much better. Never sell yourself short because there are plenty that are willing to do it for you. Good luck and hugs. | |
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