| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:35:59 PM | The mind your own business crappola is BS ......... friends watch each other’s backs.
TishaG - your gal friend deserves to know what you stumbled onto. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:58:07 PM | | Msg 23, as I don't know the extent of the OP's friendship I answered based on that...if you notice, I did mention that since she knows her, she'll have a better idea of how her friend might take it. The OP asked for input, and I tried to give her the pros and cons rather than just be one-sided. Yes, good friends might be able to go through something like this, but what if the OPs friend won't hear anything bad about this guy and decides it's the OP who's trying to cause trouble and lashes out at her, and deciddes to not be a friend anymore? Granted, the OP will then have lost someone who turned out to not be such a good friend, but then it might simply be the time and circumstances, and impulsiveness, anger and fear causing her to act this way towards the OP; and maybe the friend will regret it someday when it's too late to go back and apologize to the OP. But for the record, I believe the OP is only trying to be a good friend and wants to do the right thing by telling her about this. But ultimately it's a decision only she can make. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 5:58:42 PM | There is nothing to think about. If she is a true friend you would not stand by and let her be played, used, or hurt by this person. I like what Icon said but he will simply delete and deny he was ever on the site, your friend being in love will want to believe him and most likely will believe his bull poop with no proof. If your friend was getting ready to walk into the path of a speeding truck wouldn’t you stop her? Well having your heart stump on hurts just as much as a truck hitting ya. My thoughts are simple, keep your opinion out of it unless they are asked for, and simply show her the site and profile and let her make her decision. My guess she will need a friend, be that friend and support her.
As far as your friendship with the male, well if you believe he is a player, someone that uses and hurts people, do you really want a friend like that? You don’t strike me as the type to hang out with scumbags…so don’t worry if he gets his feelings hurt…he’s an idiot that makes it hard for the nice guys. If your friend is truly a nice, caring and honest person he lost out big time because these days these qualities are hard to come by.
Just my thoughts…. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 6:04:06 PM | you are in a rough spot - but friends-
well - at least my friends - we watch out for each other -
you do what you need to do -
he wants her to move in and they are in a committed relationship-
yeah well - if he is on this site and he is having his fun - he
could hurt her - and I dont mean break her heart - he can hurt
her with an STD-
Be her friend - if she has to choose she may choose his word over yours -
I personally - would invite her over - sit her in front of my computer
and show her - no words - tell her you have something to show her-
then let her decide - but I would have her back no matter what- | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 6:06:44 PM | Send her a link to his profile in an email to her (and make sure he doesn't read the email first), or invite her over to look for herself on the computer before you actually verbally tell her....that way she can't not believe you.
Your friend has the right not to live a lie......
I would be soooooo mad if one of my friend's new something like that about my bf and didn't tell me.....THAT would ruin the friendship!!! | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 6:08:26 PM | | Tell her if you are a real friend, ...if it's gelousy, forget it.. he is not being honest and your friend is nor very smart for being with married man, yes married man, for years, she needs help. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 7:09:40 PM | | you may want to contact him and ask his opinon of the situation, your feelin may be be relieve to know that maybe this may be the choice the 2 of them have made together,, some time what you know could end a very understanding relationship that you are having with someone that doesn't know... if there is a legal devorce in play here it is up to the two parties involed to resolve any and all matters pertanting to their respective relationship.... heres a clue , in the marriage vole, how often do we really pay attention to what is said until after the relationship has ended,, they must find their way back in to the fold if it is going to be ,without the aid of out side interferance,,(meaning you) what you feel unfortunily doesn't count... but to be a friend make sure your strength bag is ready when the load is to heavy to be carry by either one of your friends.. but don't add oil or gas to a already burning bush.... i hope this helps... | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 7:20:21 PM | | no your rights are void,,, be her friend.. if she wants back in the relationship then he should be the one to tell the little secert and face what ever the results may be... but to get in between what God has put together may no man put this under,,,is not your place..contiune to be the friend,, but do not get between this women and her man... why is it that we feel the need to metal in other peoples business,,, do we not have enough of our own business that needs mending... how mean wars would have not been if we remain tenative to our own affairs.... hmmmmm.... | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 7:37:37 PM | | I would send the link to her under an anonymous screen name.. Maybe use a library computer. That keeps you out of the mix. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 7:50:42 PM | | Tishag: Of course you have to tell her! He's basically cheating on her, and if this is a serious relationship, she has a right to know. He sure as he ll isn't going to tell her! Just because some guy wouldn't tell his buddy his girl's cheating on her, doesn't mean that's what you should do (I'm guessing it's just a drinking buddy in this case)! Good friends stick by their friends. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/12/2007 8:22:49 PM | I'll make it short, tell her now, and even show it to her!! Or, be prepaired to lend a shoulder for her to cry on after they are married , and then she finds out. Consider this; if somehow she finds out later, and also finds out you knew about it, say good by to your friend.  | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 2:01:00 AM | | Thank you to all for the nice, CALM, UNRUDE words of advice. I know I was vague about how deep the friendships are. This girl is my BEST FRIEND. We work together, party together..have known each other for 11+ years. But it gets worse. So is her man! I have a small group of really close friends, including this couple...and we all hang out together ALOT. The guy in question and two of our other friends have a band..and we are always all out together on the weekends. What makes it worse is the guy I'm dating and this guy are becoming really good friends. The guy in question isn't a scumbag, he really is a good guy. His divorce has been in the works but he and his ex can't decide on some property issues. And she left him long before my friend and he hooked up. That is why I was somewhat upset when I saw it. I never in a million years would have expected this. We always joke that they are the most "in love" couple anyone has ever seen. That is why this is so hard. So you see....I'm going to have quite a few people upset with me besides the two involved. Thank you for all your input. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 5:57:17 AM | ^^^^ Upset with YOU - NO - dont feel that way-
you are not the bad guy here - he is - unfortunately -
you stumbled on it-
it sucks - I know - you are in a real spot-
Maybe - you should tell him you are telling her first since
you are all so close - not that you are warning him - but tell
him your intentions - basically - you tell her or I am - or give
him the chance to explain to you what the hell is going on with
him that he needs to do this behind her back -
Yeah I was in a relationship like this-everyone would tell us what
a great couple we were too - then someone pulled the pin on the grenade
I was holding and all hell broke lose - pull the pin - she deserves to know
the truth - but give him warning if you have too since you guys are all close- | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 6:03:45 AM | this is tricky stuff...and in spite of sage wisdom i read a long time ago in an ann landers column about not getting invloved and not taking sides, i did twice and lost both friends both times
jmo | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 6:46:20 AM | I have to agree with icon..............
Confront him alone, voice your concerns, get it off of your chest (figure of speech.....lolol). He is going to be sweating bullets wondering what you have told her. If he is doing this NOW, later could be hell. We all know that undoing a marriage is stressful, but breaking up prior to that is a lot easier, less expensive, etc. I realize your friend might initially be mad, but, would YOU want to know? I would. Hey sometimes you need to be a detective, and what you find is sometimes shocking. People will jump on you for this, but hey, I once met a married man on this site whose daughter was in the hospital after being comatose for 80 days after a car accident. THAT was the only truth he told me. I had a funny feeling about him, so I had another female write to him, and whenever he replied and added his pics..........yep, I wanted to vomit as well (literally).
Good luck to you, I am sure you are a very good friend. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 7:07:02 AM | I was on "another" website the other night that is known for hookups and casual sex of all kinds more so than relationships. I was doing a little detective work for myself when lo and behold...
I always laugh when people give an explanation for why they visit a FriendFinder site....lol. Be careful what you look for you might find it!!
Also that site is notorious for stealing pics and creating false profiles. So this guy could be innocent of any wrong doing.
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 7:15:46 AM | | She is your best friend. Best friends do things for each other that are not the easist. If you think she needs to know, tell her. She may actually know and that's why he has not been on since January. Even best friends don't tell each other everything. Almost everything, but not everything. Your friend may be angry with you for being able to recognize his profile - since we don't know exactly what it was that you recognized about it - contrary to what everyone else seems to say here - but friends also forgive each other - otherwise they're not friends. So. Do what you think is right based on your friendship. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 4:51:42 PM | | Test him. Set him up and see if he shows. If you confront him, he could lie and say it is not him...that someone must be using his pic without his permission or that a friend is playing a gag. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 5:17:47 PM | The story is getting even better. My original advice still stands. There is something wrong with this picture of events you are now sharing. If your girl friends boy friend, lets call him Bob, really wants a divorce, and it has been dragging on for over 2 years, something is going on. There is what is called a divorce of Bifurcation, it makes you legally divorced and leaves the property issues to be settled at later date in court. The other spouse has no say in weather or not Bob becomes legally divorced. Even a bad attorney knows this. So here we have Bob, dragging his feet in becoming divorced, blaming it on property issues, and is playing the field on a sex sight. Hmmmmmmmm. This is a no brainer!! So Bob is a friend of yours and your boy friend. I hope Bob’s indiscretions don’t rub off onto your guy. Your choice is easy. You must either live with what you know and never speak of it and accept any consequences including what might happen to the health of your girl friend. Or, simply tell your girl friend.  | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 5:41:24 PM | hey OP, I'm with vhdc....leave it alone....somethings just aren't your 'pile' and need to be left alone by 'well meaning, meddling friends'. The thing that you haven't thought about is that if you tell your friend...they will have a huge fight, be mad for awhile, and then eventually get back together....that puts you in the 'hot seat' where both people are angry and upset with you.....girlfriend 101. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 6:31:44 PM | | lol the guy that said the least has a good idea.....go with what Jimi said above. You'll be doing your part as a freind and there is no reason why she needs to know you sent her the link/ No one needs to know...well except us.. ;) lol but at least she will be inform and then the ball is in her court. I hope it all works out....sorry I called your friend a scumbag | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 7:13:03 PM | Tisha I can't tell you what to do, which is so unlike me,  but I can tell you about my experience. Short and sweet,
Saw my SISTER'S live in boyfriend with someone else, more than once.
Felt that I was obligated to tell her.
Told her.
She confronted him.
He denied it.
She believed him.
They were both mad at me.
They stayed together for a while until he dumped her for someone else.
The End.
Never again will I put myself in that position...NEVER! I don't care who it is.
Rae | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/13/2007 11:48:30 PM | You do need to tell but you should probably tell them TOGETHER and don't make a drama out of it. Say you were poking around on the site after you saw something on television about sex sites and came across a picture that looks just like the guy. Tell them you didn't want to accuse him of anything and thought it made more sense to just look at the pic together so that you can get it off your mind. You'll know by looking at them if this is a surprise or something his woman knows about.
There is no question of what you might lose - if you don't protect your friend from possible unsafe sex by her partner - she could die. Absolute no brainer.
Could be the friends had a fight and the guy went looking when he was angry. He hasn't been on in three months. Don't jump to conclusions. Some sites list the date the person joined. Might be relevant if it predates your friend even if it looks bad now.
If she accepts and forgives him that's entirely up to her. Nothing need change about anything else if you bring it up when they're together. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/14/2007 12:14:02 AM | Ok....so what....he is legally seperated, that is just a step away from DIVORCE. So whats that problem...? It is clear that since his marriage is in its death throws...so whats that problem..? Funny when the women does this...its ok...when the guy does the same...he is labeled as scum bag and host of other names....
My question is...do I tell my friend?
Ya by all means tell your friend and DESTROY any hope that there might be that they might work things out between themselves. You sometimes you just got to learn to shut the hell up... And let things take there own path... There is nothing worse then a nosie busy body...sticking there nose where it has NO place being. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 4/14/2007 12:32:29 AM | | Hi Luv...friend will find out sooner or later....you know her best as to how to approach her....I would tell her simply that you know her "man" is looking and she needs to confront him with whaat is the problem....maybe she needs to lose him, if he is tired of her anyway. Oh well, my two cents worth! Uncle Bill | |
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