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WNC8
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Joined: 11/17/2005
Msg: 26 | |
| Bipolar
Posted: 4/30/2007 7:21:18 PM | I'm a guy (sorry), but I just had to reply...
I was married for fourteen years. About three years ago, my ex was diagnosed bipolar. During our marriage, she had had two affairs. I took her back after the first (undiagnosed at the time) but not the last.
I'm not saying that the only issue was bipolar, but it sure doesn't help any. Mania is a terrible thing if untreated. There are simply no consequences. A person (male or female) who is experiencing mania can often not see the damage their behavior is causing, and if they do, they don't really believe it will have any serious negative impact.
The kicker in my case: The fella she "fell for" this time is also bipolar! They will wed this August. I've wished her all the best, but I've got to be honest, my ex was cheating on me with this fella and HE was cheating on HIS ex. What I've learned: Once a cheater, always a cheater. (She called me about three weeks ago in tears. She discovered that he's been calling TWO other women for months!)
By the way, I spent a LOT of time researching and studying this disease. I also looked for and found support. One forum that I frequented was the dbsa support forum here: http://dbsa.invisionzone.com/. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 5/7/2007 2:52:53 AM | Bi-Polar is perhaps a very mis-understood problem, and from your comment I would say you really missed the boat.
No it does not give you the right to cheat, no one ever said it did. The problem though is that if that person is in the height of a manic state, they may have sexual urges and needs most people would never understand.
Finding sexual relief in that state can be as strong as the need to breathe. It can consume you and become the most important thing in your life. It can cloud your judgment, lead you to places you would never go in a normal state of mind.
Cheating is never right, but lets have a little compassion too. That person who is cheating may very well be as much a victim as her partner is.
If that truly was the case ... get help for that person. They need that, and understanding.
Can that person be trusted again? I think that depends on whether the Bi-Polar is being dealt with and whether that person WANTS to be helped and faithful. Take it case by case. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 5/7/2007 9:54:23 PM | I think it really depends on WHY they cheated and how badly you BOTH want to change. There was obviously something wrong with your relationship if she cheated, not neccesarily on your part though. But if you really want to take her back you both really have to be willing to work hard on your relationship and she has to want to change and put in the effort to change and re-gain your trust. I think that before you even think about getting back into a serious relationship you shoud both go talk to like a marriage/relationship counsellor to find out why she cheated and how you can both change to make things better, if it's possible.
Cheaters CAN change. I know this from experience. I'll admit, in the past I cheated on boyfriends. I'm not proud of it, but I did it. At the time I was young and stupid and made a lot of bad choices and was in relationships that were not good for me, and that's why I cheated, because there was something missing both within myself and within the relationships. I've since changed and grown up a lot and can honestly say that I don't think I'd cheat again. In fact the last few guys I dated I had no desire to cheat on them, even though I was given ample opportunity, and one of them I wasn't even officially exlusive with!. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 5/8/2007 2:28:51 AM | | look, I'm sorry but every where I look I see "it's not my fault because..." . The simple fact is that cheating is a choice, a conscious choice. Does she shoot people on the street ? no , does she run out and hack little children with a butcher knife ? no, does she rob banks ? no..think you get the point. The problem is everyone has a excuse for everything and no one wants to take responsibility for anything. She cheated because she wanted to it's not a accident cheating has to be planned, you have to find a guy, lie about where you are going to the guy you are with, make arrangements with the guy you want to hump, find a place, a time, start kissing, sucking and whatever else they do. At any time she could have said no but didn't and those are the times that you know about what about the other times ? . Once a cheat always a cheat. Cheating is the lowest thing you can do to another person it kills all trust, and respect ( and if she had respect for you she wouldn't have ) and is a purely selfish act. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 5/8/2007 9:14:28 AM | Like Wpg_chk said, cheaters CAN change. They have to find the reason/inspiration to make the change, have to WANT to change. That this woman is bi-polar is irrelevant, IMO.
I have been in relationships in the past where I have cheated, as well as been cheated on. When I met my ex, the desire to cheat was gone. I put value in my relationship, I had learned to respect myself, and I valued this man's trust and had no desire to break it.
This is of course relative and dependant on the PERSON who cheated in the first place. If you want to get involved with them knowing what the history is that is up to you. No one else can make that decision for you. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 5/21/2007 4:12:24 PM |
Bi-polar as a medical condition. Extreme mood swings .......Highs and Lows. So are you saying she cheated on you when she was in a LOW mental state? I would agree. She doesn't know why she did it? Yes she does, she found a guy that she was attracted to and had sex with him. While in a relationship with you. What she did was unexcusable and you did not deserve it. Can people change? Of course they can. Has she? Only time will reveal that to you. Personally I would always have that doubt in the back of my mind.
Yes there are many types of Bi-Polar with varying degrees of potency and cycles, i dont believe that she found a guy she was attracted to to have sex, I do believe that she found anyone who would have it with her though.
I disagree When on Bipolar swing you can pick up anyone even without being attracted to them just for the sake of having sex, with absolutely no regrets...
As far as change , not likely as sympathy/empathy for others are missing from their psyche, its like being Soulless, so i wouldnt worry about her sleeping around, just try to get her to practice safe sex, and remember at the end of the day after she has had her fill , your the man she will be waking up with in the morning, So i say let her go to have her fun, and you can have a long fantastic relationship, she can cheat on her high mental states too, the only time you wouldnt cheat is when your in the middle, but even when your on medication that can be rare..
Remember when your in a cycle responsibility to others has gone by the wayside, so theres no cheating (as commonly understood) involved, its just a woman with a condition and some bad symptoms, i wouldnt be too hard on her
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 5/29/2007 6:46:18 AM | | Dont go back to her, dont let her come back. I have delt with the same situation for two years, once a cheater always a cheater, it doesnt matter if you have children, and it doesnt matter how well you treat them, as soon as they get bored with you they will cheat and leave, and then plan to keep you as alternative. Dont play these games, forgit, forgive and move on. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 6/26/2007 7:06:06 AM | I am finding this WHOLE subject hard to swallow.... Why is EVERYONE assuming that ONLY women are bi-polar and only WOMEN cheat????
I dated a man, and I use the term lightly... really liked and cared for him, on one date he had a complete break down, I knew then, but was I smart enough to walk away? Of course not. Stayed for way too long to try to get him help and to help himself, bi-polars for some reason NEVER stay on their meds, they promise the world, can't trust their word, can't trust them.
Six, count them, 6 months later I am still being stalked by this man, who by the way, doesn't have a problem, at least not one that HE can't control. His family finally had him committed but, as an adult, also used lightly, they couldn't make him stay. He starts to dwell, and off and running, calling me all hours of the night, if he can't get ahold of me it takes over and becomes his mission in life... I have had to stay with friends for the last few months, had to block emails, change phone number, had to have him removed from my job, etc.
I have alot of friends who are bi-polar, women, who actually seem to make much more of an effort to stay on their meds, men can find every excuse in the world why they don't need them. Women are more likely to seek help, for some reason, our world has made men feel as though they never need mental help. Only women are psycho enough to need counciling!!! Men like to self medicate, alcohol and drugs, the women I know usually turn to religion or gambling. A man is not a man if he goes into counciling, boy society has screwed up men alot more than women....
I am sooooo tired of women being called psycho, have you taken a GOOD look at men lately?
I will end with.... if everyone stuck together, men and women, and didn't cheat with people who are either married or in a relationship, then cheaters wouldn't have anyone to cheat with.... Time to stop stereotyping...... Good and bad in both genders, in black and white..... Boy am I glad I got that off my chest...lol | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 6/27/2007 9:59:56 PM | | im sorry the bipolar thing is an excuse i know for personal reasons and u know what i never cheated on anyone onces some cheats on me i dont even think about it twice its no im would be to scared to get cheated on again and i wouldnt want to be put through that pain again some one cheats on me the trust goes out the window and its hard to regain | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:18:09 AM | Kate it's not just men who find reasons to go off their meds. It's a vicious cycle. My aunt if BP and she's been hospitalized about 3 times in the last 15-20 yrs. She now has an understanding that she NEEDS to stay on her meds, but has said to me on a few occasions that that the reason people with psychiatrict problems go off their meds is that the meds make them feel like they are able to cope better, that things are better, that they don't NEED the meds anymore. This is what happened to my aunt a few times, and each and every time she's landed back in the hospital, was put back on her meds, and eventually things evened out for her. What makes this particularly hard for her/us is that she's a psych nurse. She KNOWS more then most people what is necessary for her to remain stable, and she went against everything she knows, everything her drs said.. and then relapsed.
Still... do not confuse BP with cheating. Not all cheaters are BP. Not all people with BP cheat. Not all cheaters are repeat offenders!!!!! Judge a person on their actions, not on what other people say will happen.
If she's using BP as an excuse to justify her cheating, then walk away. My oldest is ADHD/Aspergers (etc, etc..) and was wired for sound yesterday despite my being reassured he received his meds during the day. Turns out he had some Orange Crush at school for their end of year party, something I do not allow him to have as he is sensitive to food coloring (and my brother had very bad reactions to Orange Crush as a child as well!!). My child used the fact he had the OC as his excuse to justify his wild, out of control behaviour. I do not for one minute believe that he could be THAT out of control based on the amount he said he ingested. Yes, some of the behaviour can be explained, but not to the extent he showed. Having/being BP is not a *free pass* to do whatever you want. Some can control their actions better then others. There are so many different behaviours for BP people... let's not paint ALL with ONE brush/stroke/color... | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:40:46 AM | | I dunno about all that. How do you make sure she stays on her meds? You can't. I dated a bi-polar guy last year. Didn't know he was bi-polar at the time -- THEN he quit taking his meds. Good God ... the overnight change scared the crap outta me. He always used his condition as an excuse for everything he did, including cheating on me, getting pissed for no apparent reason and calling me every filthy name he could think of. I suppose if someone can make sure they take their meds, it would be fine. Otherwise, it's a chance I'd not be willing to take again. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 11/9/2007 11:31:06 AM | | I think that "cheating" is just that. If one has what they need at HOME, they do not need to look for "greener pasture". I was always of the opinion that men are the cheaters, I have found out differently as I have aged. No I have NEVER cheated on anyone. It has been done to me though. I believe it comes down to "forgiveness" do you want to forgive cheating? I think the answer is in is the relationship in trouble. You then have to weigh the good vs the bad. If the good outweighs the bad, maybe it is salvagable. If not, and there is no trust, no dice! Move on with life and learn from past mistakes. For my own purposes, I did not forgive the "cheating", once bitten, twice shy. There is a point when you have to draw the line. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 8/29/2008 5:41:50 PM | I'm a crazy romantic at heart I guess. I believe if you love someone problems can be resolved. Sounds to me like she loved you enough to seek help, and more than likely more than she loved herself. I dont believe that once someone cheats, they always will. There is also a saying "We dont miss the water till the well runs dry". My advice would be, if you truely love this woman, to stand by her. See that she continues to recieve the help that she needs, but be careful not to be niave again. If you see the signs, and I'm sure you will now that you understand them, get out of there. Let her know that you will not stand for it, and that if it happens again, no matter the circumstance, you will leave. I have known several couples where one, or both at some point cheated. Those couples are still together today (15+ yrs later), and actually grew closer together than they were before. Love is about forgiveness, without it, we are all screwed!!
Ask yourself this "Are you more miserable without her, than you were with her"? If the answer is no, then there is no reason to even consider trying to make it work.
Good luck with whatever choice you make. | |
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| Can a woman that has cheated in the past, be trusted not to cheat in the future?
Posted: 8/29/2008 5:45:53 PM | | If you plan on staying with her, you need to have knowledge of her medical condition. You need to search a thread on POF. Type in Bipolar disorder. There was a thread on here called....Would you date someone with bipolar disorder? You should read it. Then, decide, after reading hundreds of stories from people who have been the significant other of these medical conditions..... several people were married for fifteen or twenty years. Read what they have to say. | |
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