| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/13/2007 3:53:12 PM |
"Thank you for pointing out that being on only one dating site could be interpreted as " putting all my eggs in one basket". "
The same holds true when relying on "the one perfect man" to fulfill romantic fantasies.
Ha! | |
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Nan60
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Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 27 | |
| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/13/2007 5:41:04 PM | | This can happen in real life too.....had a guy do the same thing to me, twice actually....A year is not too long a time to spend exploring cyber space....but it would be an eternity with someone who really has his eye on greener pastures and is just waiting for the right opportunity. But, thankfully, all guys are not the same (except for the snoring thing - yuck). | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 1:03:30 AM | I've been divorced for 13 years now. Started looking online about ten years ago... still have my original 6 digit American Singles memebership number but don't get over there to check very often any more since finding the forums here on POF. I've found these forums to be the best thing ever to peer into a person's personality. It gives a much clearer snapshot than most profiles reveal.
The important thing to remember about using the internet to meet people is that it is just as safe or dangerous (depending on your point of view) as meeting someone new in a bar or at some other social event. Look at it as just a place to find new interesting people without the expectation of anything coming of it. Explore the people slowly and carefully when meeting. Allow that you will make mistakes in judgement... it is normal in anything new to make an error or two. I've had my share of going down the wrong paths but I've encountered a lot of very wonderful people as well.
I think online dating burn out is a result of inflated expectations. There are good people and players in any venue. Sorting them out is a never ending endeavor that is an intrinsic part of life. Perhaps we have just gotten into too much of a hurry trying to do it. Relax and enjoy solving the problems of whatever fate brings.
And Prolibertate, I think the ethnic dress makes a sexy costume. I vote to keep the pic. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 3:55:11 AM |
"I think online dating burn out is a result of inflated expectations."
Inflated expectations of the seeker?
Or of the seekees?  | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:06:46 AM | I don't think I had inflated expectations. I was dating casually to see if something came up. I sure wasn't looking for prince charming or anything like that.
But this guy and I hit it off, and he suggested that we stop dating other people and "see what develops." I was attracted, so I said okay. And after a few weeks of very intense phoning and "lets be together," stuff--in fact, a week after a date in which he was outlining plans for where we could go this summer--he suddenly stops contacting me.
Is it "inflated expectations" to think that when a guy has been dating you for a while and asks you to date no one else he ought to tell you that he is no longer interested instead of suddenly becoming distant and disappearing?
When I started online dating, I was playful about it. One more way to meet people, like you say. I met a lot of liars (guys in their sixties pretending to be in their fifties, short guys lying about their height, one guy who was obviously married...). And most of all I met a lot of lazy, selfish people who can't take the trouble to say "thanks but no thanks" politely.
I don't say there aren't nice people out there. I am just tired of trying to find them.
I think I'm not alone. There are enough posts on this thread that seem to be saying the same thing. Something about online dating brings out the selfishness in people. Maybe it's because it is so much easier than going out into the real world and meeting real people. | |
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notard
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Joined: 1/10/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:40:21 AM | I have been divorced over thirteen years during which time I have had three relationships which lasted over two years and a few which went a few months. In every case but one I met the lady in person even though I have probably wasted hundreds of hours on various dating sites. Although I have a short profile posted on POF based on my past experiences it is highly unlikely I will meet anyone through POF. My guess is that many more men than women frequent internet dating sites.
Several quite good looking women I know have done very well on internet dating sites. Every single one of them was a model at one time. A few still are so that perhaps explains it. They are both pretty and photograph well.
It appears I do best by suiting up and showing up! That is the old fashioned way. I am grateful I reside in an urban area loaded with attractive single women within my dating age range. It is surely far more difficult for those who reside in less populous areas. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 7:24:42 AM |
I think online dating burn out is a result of inflated expectations. There are good people and players in any venue. Sorting them out is a never ending endeavor that is an intrinsic part of life
Not all of us have inflated expectations....some of us have actually been led down the garden path.
I understand exactly what the OP is saying about a man who emails and phone chats for a few months, hems and haws about meeting with you, makes excuses etc.Or, after a few dates, disappears without a word. And, yes we do have the players on sites, such as these. We've got your "seeking sex only players", "married" players, the players who already have a girlfriend and are looking for something on the side, "trombone" players (wink,wink) who don't like to be exposed. Of course, when they're exposed it's usually because they haven't been impeccable with their word or their intentions to the other person. Instead they make snide inuendos on the forums about the character of the other person. Others miss these subtle messages, but the player knows who he's targeting and the recipient is onto his game. Some, never want to leave sleeping dogs lie, even months later.
My advice to the OP would be again, to step back for awhile in order to re-group.And, frankly take the position " Good riddance to bad rubbish" Move on with confidence because you know you're a good and worthwhile person deserving of a a relationship with someone who is also willing to have a real and genuine relationship.
Muskoka | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 7:25:44 AM | I have been on this site for a while, I delete it and come back under a different screen name and it is still the same. It seems that men put pictures up that are at least ten to twenty years old, duh don't they think you are going to see that when you meet them. Or they are looking for one thing and one thing only! I am in my fifties and I would think that at that age they would have outgrown that era. I don't do bar scenes so these dating sites are my link to finding someone, but I am so depressed at the results I am getting. I hate the idea of growing old by myself. I am a hopeless romantic and I keep on fishing, who knows maybe one day he will show up. I wish everyone the best of luck in their search.
Peg | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 8:10:38 AM | Muskoka:
"trombone" players (wink,wink) who don't like to be exposed. Of course, when they're exposed it's usually because they haven't been impeccable with their word or their intentions to the other person. Instead they make snide inuendos on the forums about the character of the other person.
Call me ignorant (also insatiably curious) but I have not heard the term "trombone" player used in reference to dating. Could you explain further?
Not all of us have inflated expectations....some of us have actually been led down the garden path.
That is what I call the learning curve. One must learn to be more cynical and less trusting to survive. But I'm not saying to throw out trust completely... just let it grow slowly and note carefully any minor failures of trust along the way. I believe people tell you a lot of who they are and how much you can trust them by their every day actions. Don't rely on communications only to develop trust, as one can only discover inconsistancies in stories that may or may not mean an attempt to deceive. Of course the realization that a person is outright lying should be anyone's first step in eliminating further communication.
I may get slammed here for advocating the necessity of cynicism, but I don't see any other way of dealing with people I don't yet know. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 12:14:25 PM | I can't tell you that I was here that long before someone contacted and I'm no longer available. I can tell you that seeking advice from others that aren't getting responses only seems to reinforce the notion that it's that difficult.
There's a section in POF called testimonials. Do some reading in there to discover how they did it. They have obviously done something different.
NO we did not settle for less, we got something wonderful happening. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 1:17:23 PM | msg. 32
And, yes we do have the players on sites, such as these. We've got ... "trombone" players (wink,wink) who don't like to be exposed.
Now who do you suppose that this could be about ?? ... Sorta narrows down the available choice of candidates, doesn't it ?? This is just getting so sickening, listening to this month after month after month after month. Where's a moderator when you need one ??
cdn guy | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 1:55:32 PM | Men are men women are women. I believe most of us are here for the same thing. To find each other. Like Maeflowers says "if there is chemistry" Thats the trick of it. If one gets burned out. Time to take a break recharge and re evalute what we want in our relationships. Give up? Never why The next person could be the one | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 5:10:04 PM | Might I suggest, as a number of other people who have posted, that you take a break?? Dating, or attempting to date on-line is like any other activity; if you feel burnt out, then that's your signal to go do something else. Maybe a couple of months away will give you a new perspective on dating.
Also, someone mentioned changing up your profile. I had a rather negative profile for a while, and was coming across as bitter and angry (which I was) and once I did some personal spring cleaning, I realized that people often attract that which they project. I started to make a list of what I like about me, and what I want in a relationship, and made a new profile. I am also getting some pictures ready to post, since it has been suggested that I have more of them.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.....and don't worry about the jerks out there, just be true to you, and remember, "It's better to be alone than to be with someone and be lonely. DON'T settle just because you are lonely." Been there, done that!
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 5:42:27 PM | | Moon Fish...lol...no, no garter belt pictures; some things are only meant to be seen by that special someone...And the 'bunny suit' is a Halloween costume; Dorothy from Wizard of OZ (Toto is in the basket)...it's the most recent picture I have, since I'm usually the one behind the camera. But thanks; I do my best to have my head on right ;) | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:05:21 PM | It boggles my mind how people can think they are "being led down the garden path" after a couple of phone calls. Inflated expectations? You betcha.
OT. I could make your hair curl with some of my dating disaster stories but I am nothing if not resilient! I go through phases where I do feel fed up with the whole dating process but one thing I know and that is that finding someone who I want to include in my life will have to be someone pretty special and I am not going to find it tomorrow....if I ever do. In the meantime, I try to keep my expectations realistic and have fun meeting new people. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:22:35 PM | I've been on here for months and seem to always be interested in who is viewing me or contacting me directly. Sometimes I feel like I could be waisting my time but I am on here with high hopes of truly meeting my forever friend, partner, lover, female buddy. It's free, easy going and you don't have to impress. Your profile already says a lot about you and usually comes from your heart when you write your initial profile to attact. You can always choose to switch off if you feel burn out or problems arise or persist. I am a true gentle man and compitent musician who has met some wonderful women on here and we still keep in contact as friends. How many women would I have met playing guitar in venues over 35 years? Heap's but I have never kept in contact with one of them! Here, in only a few months, I have conversed with many lovely women! I'm just waiting for the "knockout punch"! Hee Hee!
I have yet to experience burn out. I just shut the damn thing off and walk away when I've had enough. I stay on here because I need the company. I have been alone in Oz for 26 years, am used to entertaining audiences, and now need my energy replenished by clever conversation, a few compliments and the thought of maybe, just maybe, meeting "The One" on here.
People meet people thru venues such as these or thru friends of the people on here, which a lot of you forget does happen. I still believe this is a great place to socialize freely without expectations and if you choose not to converse with someone, so be it. Let the emails build up if you choose not to converse for a while. I bet you sneak back on thinking "hum", I just wonder!
Keep the Faith! There truly is someone for everyone. C'mon, there's 6 billion people in this world and we all have something to offer! I wish everyone peace, true love, happiness, healthiness and prosperity.
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 7:18:54 PM | Gee, this seems so simple really. Press the 'sign off' button on your computer, get up from behind the screen and go outside. There is far more going on outside in the world than there is on any dating site.
I have been here since last July, I've met some nice men and some players. I didn't get hung up on any of them even though I knew a couple of them for a while. I have made some fabulous friends though, men and women. And we meet up at various dances, etc and we have FUN!
The biggest mistake you can make is thinking you're going to meet your next 'boyfriend' on this site or any site. If you're going to meet someone it'll be someone you meet through a friend, or in a night school class, or at a dance.
Yes, I've had the experience of the 'disappearing guy' too. In the beginning of my POF journey I thought it was something I said or did. Now I know it wasn't. In some cases the fella just moved on to what he thought was someone better. I smile to myself. It's all in your attitude. When you stop looking for this to be the "be all and end all" of your search for a partner, you'll find him or he'll find you. Yep, that does happen.
All the best and good luck! | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 8:21:35 PM | [The age of initial human interaction is over. People are treated online in
ways that they would never be treated in person. There is no recourse
for someone's actions. Sure, lead them on and have fun with them for
six months.... then just reboot the computer when you've tired of them
and they're gone. Poooof!!!]
So here is my question. Why in the world would people treat people differently online than in person? And if you are communicating with someone online for a bit, wouldn't you take it to the next level - phone calls - and then ultimately meet in person? I don't think I would waste my time communicating online for more than a month or so without moving things along as I would think that the other person was playing games. Geeze..... I hate games. I gues it's up to us to sort out the fluff from the true potentials. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:57:23 PM | Online dating has created the "Greener Grass Syndrome". It has totally effected the way men and women interact. People become disposable. Nobody is given much of a chance because the 50 pages of matches are waiting if just one little thing is not what it should be.
I have given up completely on online dating and dating in general.
You are so right, it is not just guys who do the serial date and dump thing.
It's sad in so many ways. The older you get the more you know that you don't have forever, so the people who would most like to find someone, because time is a ticking, are playing games that teenagers wouldn't and don't.
' ' | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/14/2007 11:44:07 PM | The downside to online dating is that you can't know if there is any chemistry in the 'real world' till you meet in the real world. And you can't trust even your own perceptions of what what someone is like till that happens. Even then, you are just getting to first base. So most of your contacts are going to be blind alleys. The trick is not to invest too many hopes in it and not to spend too much time at the computer. Just go out and enjoy life!
I don't in reality expect to find a fella on a dating site. But I've widened my social circle, had some fun dates (and some not so fun!) and a couple of briefish relationships even. In all it's been a good thing.
A lot of us drop in and out of stuff like this. Just go. Re-charge your batteries and come back if and when you are ready, maybe with a new perspective. Good luck, Chrissy. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/15/2007 12:11:03 AM | | I've been here almost two years and have met a grand total of 2 people. I get almost no emails and most of the ones I bother sending are ignored and I feel pretty much invisible on this site. And I have been told often that I look much better in person; I don't take a good pic most of the time. I am at the point now where I know that I can't give up but at the same time I WANT to give up. Burnt out? Yup. But I will keep on truckin' and maybe one day I will hear from someone genuine and sincere who feels at least a little attraction as I do them. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/15/2007 7:07:57 AM | This forum is awesome, I love the feed back here GREAT advise that everyone has given for the one's that burnt out with online dating,,,, Thank you for your encouraging words that I have read,its major help to me and I haven't even replied to this forum until now just been sitting back reading the advise here,thanks you guys and girls,,,
Rhonda | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/15/2007 7:25:22 AM | ------ Or maybe he is just shopping around, hanging around with you until he can get something better ------
Well my dear ---- sad as it may seem I believe this is a very true statement of some "fishing" in here ---- ---- I percieve it as a form of "attention addiction" ---- people who have very low self-esteem ---- inadequete egos and impulse control ---- a "virtual candy store" for those with a bottomless "sweet tooth" ---- I will only take someone seriously now if once we make a connection and HE suggests we both remove our profiles and give the relationship the effort and attention it needs to see how it develops ---- if he continues to "fish" ---- I'm going to listen to that inner voice and red flag and get the "hell outta dodge (with my 6 guns and spurs intact)" ---- We ALL know when they are "playing us" ---- we just choose to ignore it and hope they will find us "enough" for them ( over time )and stop looking ----- ESPECIALLY if you have become intimate ---- thats just downright insulting and rude to still see them on here fishing ---- If they choose to behave that way perhaps they need to do one of two things to be completely honest 1) Change what they are searching for to "activity partner" OR 2) Be honest and tell you "I'm just NOT into you Honey!" ---- Easy-Peasy ----  Just throw your stetson in the air, flip your hair ---- yell yee-haw and ride off into the sunset looking for someone who deserves YOU cowgirl  and consider yourself lucky to have gotten away with your boots on 
---- (Oh and in all fairness I'm sure that goes on for you gents too ---- but I'm 100% wo(man) and can only speak from my experience and perspective) ---- | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/15/2007 9:43:58 AM |
Online dating has created the "Greener Grass Syndrome". It has totally effected the way men and women interact. People become disposable. Nobody is given much of a chance because the 50 pages of matches are waiting if just one little thing is not what it should be.
I have given up completely on online dating and dating in general.
You are so right, it is not just guys who do the serial date and dump thing.
It's sad in so many ways. The older you get the more you know that you don't have forever, so the people who would most like to find someone, because time is a ticking, are playing games that teenagers wouldn't and don't.
Maybe for some people...but I believe that one will be the same in their dating habits online as they are offline; if someone has the 'grass is greener' syndrome in their offline dating, they'll have it in their online dating also. Online dating sites and the number of people on them doesn't make one turn into a 'serial' dater or one who thinks the grass is greener if there's one little thing not perfect about someone they meet. Someone who treats people as disposable online will also treat people they meet offline like that; online has only given them a wider group to pick from. Same with games...people either play them or they don't; if they played them when they were young and haven't learned what a waste of time that is, then they'll still play them when they get older. Some people need to realize that it's not the venue, it's the individual, who's the problem...and they also need to realize that most people aren't game players or the 'grass is greener' type. | |
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| Burnt Out on Online Dating
Posted: 4/15/2007 10:53:34 AM |
People meet people thru venues such as these or thru friends of the people on here, which a lot of you forget does happen. I still believe this is a great place to socialize freely without expectations and if you choose not to converse with someone, so be it. Let the emails build up if you choose not to converse for a while. I bet you sneak back on thinking "hum", I just wonder!
...Thats what I like about online dating....the ability to socialize in your time frame, and the ability to turn it off when your not in the mood. Unfortunately, I have not met my hunk of burning love yet, but I have just as a good chance here as in the "real" world.
...maeflowers
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