| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 4/15/2007 10:56:38 AM | I think your missing the simple moments, like when you come home from work and there is your family. Kids sitting at the table drawing, your wife cooking. It's the full pleasure of knowing you love them, their yours. Your proud of them.
And at night going to bed and just wrapping your arms around the woman you love. Kissing her neck and breathing in her scent.
I was in the same boat as you after my 5 years relationship ended when my ex cheated on me. No we weren't married. But hell if it didn't fell like that way sometimes.
It will hurt. You will go through the emotions. Sometimes you may end up in hard wretching sobs on the bathroom floor. But then when your done crying, you get up and move on. It took me awhile as well, but you will move on. Keep your head up man. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:22:43 AM | | Hey I just wanted to let you know that even though I have not had kids involved in the picture I still know how painful it is to have a breakup with someone and well am not very sure about all of it right now either but have sent you a message so hope we can talk more soon but if not don't worry but hope you'll feel better soon. I try to just focus on the good things in the world and I've heard the feelings don't really go away we just learn how to look at them in a more positive way and from a better perspective but takes time to realize all of that. The main reason I am on this site is to have help with dealing with the pain in the meantime and having support and encouragement with it. Hoping to find it soon, but again only time will tell and I know I am a strong and good enough person whether I ever find it on here or not. Good luck with feeling better though it is very clear you are a sincere and caring person so try to think as good of thoughts as you can as well as affirmations they help a lot as well:) | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 4/16/2007 3:50:57 AM | Since these events have unfolded i have been on an emotional roller coaster, wiht my thoughts and actions jumping from 1 extreme to another.
what you have to understand is that yes it is incredibly hard to grasp the concept that u are alone, and u have to understand that the emotions rollercoaster u are on will end. one day at a time is how u have to take it. i think it is harder when it is the other person ending the relationship. and especially when there is someone else involved.
the thing u have to realise is that it is her loss, not yours. u seem like a very smart and very genuine man, and there will be people like your ex that do not appreciate it, but there will eventually be someone who does. i advise a councellor. when my marriage split i went to one and she made me see where my faults were and how to cope with the rollercoaster ride of emotions. it takes time, be strong and know that u are a good person and good things will come to those with good hearts my dear. | |
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| I do realize i have a long road ahead to follow
Posted: 4/25/2007 3:40:38 AM | Yeah man, you do have a long road to follow. Reading your 1st post was like re-living my own in 2003. However, that hole will close over and be simply a slightly painful memory in time. Its one of those coping mechanisms we all develop after a failed relationship where we think that is "The One".
Your fears will be the biggest thing to overcome, but they will be what determines how you deal with all the issues you still have deep down. Everyone that has a what i would call "major" relationship crash & burn goes on the rollercoaster and doesnt know it they will ever be allowed off. Everything you went through emotionally was normal under the circumstances.
The part that nobody tells you about true love is that fortunately, its not a once off thing. Its a precious commodity, but you can find it again & will once your void covers over & you begin dealing with the absence of love which you say you feel. Daunted as your life feels now, remember it won't last forever. When you least expect it, you will find the lady who will fill the void and mend your soul. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 4/25/2007 4:36:16 AM | | My friend you are feeling the pains of a broken relationship, it is not going to be easy, and it will take some time but hang in there, try to get the suicide thing out of your head right away and just think of your kids and what you will put them through if you should do something like that, yours kids are very important and it is also important theat you leave them out of your (fight) if you want to call it that, with your ex, not suggesting here that it is a fight but maybe a conflict is better terminolgy, also get counselling, support groups is another good source of self healing, at these places you can express your feelings and this is one way of healing from a devestating situation that your are now experiencing. There are various stages you are going to go through and you are justing acting normal. GJJ | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 4/25/2007 5:21:51 AM | | This is the reality a lot of us came to know. I couldn't have imagined it beforehand. It sums up quite elegantly all the inner things that are the roots of love for another person in the here-and-now. The rollercoaster eventually slows down, the bar comes up and you do get to walk around. I especially related to the losing the home. I haven't really 'gone home' since 1996. At least what I used to believe was home. That moving out during the initial separation (I was finally divorced in 2000) was the beginning of a long, ongoing odyssey. The thing is, not everyone has the Hollywood "happy ending" situation. Oddly, looking back, what I was sentimental about was those exquisite moments the OP wrote about in the happily-together context. It is excruciating to go through, but I came to find other people in the world to share with and even love. It is not the same as that earlier The One and Only I thought I had found. But the world is BIG, lots of 'fish' as they say. It was an awakening--maybe more like altruistic love now than my little microcosm of perfection I thought I had found/created. Love isn't so confined to one person---spread it around when you can. Allow it when you can't. You aren't really that alone out there. You will rise above. Courageous and human post--we all benefit from this. :) | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 4/25/2007 5:50:32 AM | OPwe all feel your pain and sense of loss. You've been given some great advice on this thread. Do what you have to in order to take care of yourself and try to focus on the children....remember their lives are chaotic now also. Time takes care of all things....grieve for your loss, remember what you had, but don't be bitter...there is another love that will be waiting for you when you are ready.
Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And NEVER regret anything that made you smile. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 4/25/2007 9:01:53 AM | | Going through the same thing now. Everyone says it takes different amounts of time for each person.. Hard to imagine it getting better I know. Keep busy, stay away from her as much as possible, rediscover who u were before the relationship, set and tackle new goals for your life and try not to keep running the scenario over and over in your head.. Can't make them love u and can't keep them loving you... Some invest part of the heart and some invest all.. We invested all.. It will take as long as we allow it. GOOD LUCK. I wish you a solid recovery. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 4/25/2007 4:56:01 PM | As a recent dumpee (just last week), from a person who I thought was the love of my life, I am taking one day at a time. Talking on here has helped me, and with my close friends as well, but also realizing that I am a valuable person and that I do matter. I am not allowing what happened to me to ruin my life. I'm keeping busy also, which helps.
When you feel like crying--cry, when you feel like venting your frustrations--scream, or get a stress relief ball. These allow your feelings to be out in the open so you are not repressing them. Most importantly do not allow what happened to you to take over your life as you are giving more power to that person that dumped you than they deserve.
Most importantly, be strong!   | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/1/2007 7:59:22 PM | Jane,
You're right: she felt something was missing. However, that was no excuse to have an affair. She should have either ended the relationship or tried to fix it rather than seeking solace elsewhere. What she did was incredibly selfish. It speaks volumes about her character (or lack thereof) and her ability to follow through with a commitment.
OP: I understand what you're experiencing. I've been in that position (not too long ago) too. It takes time. Trust me on this: give it a year or so and you'll find that you've moved on and that you're happy with your own life. In the interim, if she makes a move to come back (& if you're interested), you need to set limits with her. Don't waver with your limits.
Personally, I don't think I'd want her back. She's selfish and not good relationship material. You can do better.
Best wishes. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/18/2007 7:31:40 PM | | Just thought I would give an update on my situation seeing how so many people took an interest in my post. It has been a really rough time and i have not logged into pof for about a month as the emotional rollercoaster got the best of me and I had made a suicide attempt and was hospitalized for three weeks. I guess it was rock bottom for me, but through the grace of God I was saved and did not suceed. duriing my stay in the hospital I was put on medication and received therapy. I am happy to let you all know though that while i still have my off days, I am doing much better now, I am rebuilding my life having visits with my kids and recovering from my injuries. I do wish that it didnt have to come to me almost loosing my life to realize that I do have a future.....but in a way maybe its a good thing because I feel I have a second chance at life and something turned on in me that makes me not want to waste this chance. I ve come to terms with my mistake and refuse to allow myself to get that low again where I would attempt to take my own life. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:00:31 AM | | Man i know exactly what your going through. I recently lost the love of my life together for over seven years. I took her in from a broken home and gave her a beautiful life. When she decided that it wasnt working, without any attempt of trying. It crushed me horribly. I truly discovered what being alone feels like, but you have to keep moving on, and looking up. Remember that sometimes things have to fall apart so other things can fall into place. My best advice to you is try and stay occupied in your mind, do things that you enjoy. She made her bed now she has to lye in it. If you were truly a good man like i was then she will realize it down the road, and it will truly be her loss. You never know whats around the corner or what tomorrow holds. Stay up brother. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:22:27 AM | @unleashed? try not to blame yourself at fault here...not always the case. do you remember when you two first met? the excitement of getting to know one another? meeting and goin out...touching, cuddling to catch each others interest ? you both started out lighting a torch right? this goes both ways not just a one side. it seems when one catches the intertest of the other, the flame on the torch starts to fade out...they loose interest of that person...so they seek else where to fill a void in their needs. its not because we cant fullfill their needs, theyre not able to fill their own needs...so no matter what you do...that person wont be happy til they are happy within themselves.
its to often i see people take a relationship for granted...how sad. It is very important in a relationship that both partners keep that flame lit. I have figured out to be happy with someone in my life.....i need to find someone who has the same qualities as myself. someone who cant show their appreciation or love for me....just isnt goin to work...period. I am kind and caring and I dont need to be praised all the time..but somedays its nice to hear that someone does appreciate us for the kind gestures .....it gives us the motativation to keep going.
I hope this helps you....keep smiling.
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:51:24 AM | unleashed,
You have great courage to post what you did. This is what most of us feel when we're in the same situation but would not have the bravery to say.
I have no magic words or advice that hasn't already been said here. I just wanted to send you a cyber-hug and wish you the best in this difficult time.
((((((((((((((unleashed))))))))))))))))))
WD | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:12:10 AM | | You cannot understand the feelings until you live it. I was out of state working to pay off my wifes online gambling debt $30,000.00 when I caught her cheating. I read a myspace e-mail from her to the other guy she was talking about doing a sexual act . I lost my step children whom I had grown to love as my own for 8 years. All of a sudden one day everything you charish, eveything you hold dear in your life is gone. I am trying to finalize the divorce she is living in my house and on 4 dating web sites claiming to be allready divorced. In MY HOUSE !!!!!! This wont make me a better person in any way. I will be a colder meaner more spitefull S.O.B | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:24:30 AM | Since there really no way out of this thing, prepare to be upset for anywhere from 4 to 6 months. But day by day you will feel a little better.
Here is a list of what you need to do.
1. Eat well because through the depression you'll sometimes forget.
2. I hate to suggest it but you might want to talk to your doctor about something for anxiety like Xanax your thoughts will race keeping you awake at times. You need to sleep to et through this.
3. You are not going to want to be social. DO IT ANYWAY! Even if you think you have nothing to offer. You need the perspective of your friends but strangers can provide conversation not related to your ex.
4. Keep a journal and write whenever you feel sad. You'll learn allot about yourself. Writing is much like mediation and can help you get through this quicker. This was the most important thing I did during my breakup.
5. Remove all of her pictures so you not constantly reminded of the situation.
6. Buy yourself something you've wanted for a while. You deserve it!
7. Do things to help others. It will make you feel better about yourself and your place in the world.
I’m really sorry your going through this you will get better! | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:00:58 AM | | I went through almost the exact same circumstance (minus the children involved). You go from absolute grief and devastation to tremendous feelings of guilt (what could of I done differently?) to anger (no one deserves to be treated this way!). After separation I didn't have a clue who "I" was anymore. After 9 years of sharing myself, I felt very alone. Look up though, it is fun to rediscover who you are. What you need to focus on is the following: you have 2 choices. One, "resist" what is happening to you - or option two - "accept" what is happening. If you resist and remain trapped in those feeling described above you will continue to suffer. If you accept it (no matter how hard it is), you will heal and move on. Remember that life is an experience, and no-one likes to be a divorce statistic (I had a hard time with that because I have a traditional view of marriage). What you carry is not baggage - only a better appreciation of life and relationships. If you see the positive in that, the next person in your life will be so very lucky. People that go into relationships without this experience are rather blind and niave to how much work relationships and marriage actually require. I pity your ex - she is destined for a life of turmoil. What you also need to know is that positive thought attracts positive things - it is the signal that you are sending to everyone. If you think negative and remain stuck there - you WILL attract more negative things into your life. Remember that you need to love yourself first before you can really love another - then you will be ready. Be kind to yourself, you are a victim here - of loving a cold person. There are MANY people out there looking for exactly a person like you. Make plans. Go on that vacation you always wanted or spend a little extra to see that concert you always wanted. I will give you some quick advice. Put forth legal separation as fast as possible and under no circumstance talk about nothing with her except legal stuff and children issues. During separation tempers and emotions run wild and can make separation VERY messy. She will likely fish for your emotions - don't fall into that trap. It is also common for ex's to come back in 3-6 months wanting back in. Do not be fooled by that either. Best of luck man! | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:15:54 AM | | Unleashed103, I'm so sorry for your pain and glad to read that you've started the climb out of that dark terrible place. I've also been there and it ain't no picnic to say the least, I had backslides as well. My comment is a thank you for your honesty and your very elegant description of what you held dear. I'm awed by this forum's outpouring of love and understanding and it does give me hope that there are many goodhearted people in the world, not just a few. I will take my cynicism down a notch. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:29:51 AM | | I just wanted to mention an interesting book I've read recently called "Stumbling on Happiness". It's a really unique perspective on what exactly happiness is and how we can acheive it. The thesis of the book is that for most of us, happiness is achieving our vision of the future (ie/ when I have this, I will be happy, etc..) and that happiness is the series or creating and reaching these future goals. The author states that one of the reasons relationships ending can be so devastating is because our vision of the future is quickly destroyed and our psyche has a hard time dealing with it, especially for people who tend to be "nesters". I just thought it was an interesting perspective and additional reason why ending a relationship can be so devastating. I know in my last relationship, letting go of my vision of our future together was one of the hardest things. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:37:51 AM | unleashed103,
Oh, dear guy, you conveyed it perfectly. You are sharing a pain most of us have already eaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner at some point in our life.
Suicide is not the answer. You cannot stop loving yourself. Remember yourself as a child, picture yourself as a happy little boy: playing, smiling, curious about life. See him? You do not want to harm that little child do you?
See yourself a few years later? Laughing with friends, enjoying life, any fav moments before you met her? See yourself then? You do not want that guy dead do you? Harmed? No. You need love and a hug. That guy you picture in your mind needs to be there as his kids grow up, when they are married, when he/you are a granddad one day!
You will work through this as if most of us had off’ed ourselves at one point or another….would not be many posts here on POF -smiles…….
It will get better; it takes time……time........talk to anyone you can to help you through this……. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:41:31 AM | Hi Unleashed. I know the lonliness that you are feeling. After going through such a loss, it is natural to experience a range of emotions and grief. Humiliation, heartbreak, anger, sadness, hatred, worthlessness, uselessness, denial, and unbearable lonliness. Your feelings won't go away overnight, so go ahead and feel them, because you will, even while life continues all around you. It will take as long as it takes for you to get through this. For me it's been 1 year, 3 months, 11 days, and 2 hours since the sudden and unwanted breakup with someone I truly loved for the 5 years we were together. Eventually, as I did, you will reach a light at the end of this dark tunnel. It will come when you decide it's time to be happy again, or at least to try to be happy again. To enjoy whatever goodness you have in your life. Take a look, it's there. You will meet new people, and begin to live the life you have, even without that someone special to focus on. Focusing on yourself, your ambitions, hopes, dreams, and goals is not such a bad place to be. You will reach a point when you can look at this as a new phase in your life...an adventure unfolding... with you as the hero! Occassionally, like today, my mind tries to slip back into the past and all those feelings will want to resurface. But I don't want to be unhappy anymore, so I chose to come here instead. And I'm glad I did, because your words touched me, and I hope mine have helped you, even if just for the 5 minutes it took to read them. Hugs and kisses from someone who feels your pain!
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:48:10 AM | | you lose a period of time that eventually becomes 'history'. hopefully you will regain a good co-parenting relationship with your ex-wife, right now it's your children that count, and they need two loving supportive parents. hard to do, but by focusing on the children and allowing some time to pass to heal, believe me, you will survive and maybe move on to a better more rewarding life, and grow into a person that you love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time heals all, but trying a little bit helps too! I left a 30-year relationship, took three years not to feel awful everyday, but I kept ploughing through and eventually one day? I felt happy again! Good luck! | |
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