| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:00:31 AM | | Man i know exactly what your going through. I recently lost the love of my life together for over seven years. I took her in from a broken home and gave her a beautiful life. When she decided that it wasnt working, without any attempt of trying. It crushed me horribly. I truly discovered what being alone feels like, but you have to keep moving on, and looking up. Remember that sometimes things have to fall apart so other things can fall into place. My best advice to you is try and stay occupied in your mind, do things that you enjoy. She made her bed now she has to lye in it. If you were truly a good man like i was then she will realize it down the road, and it will truly be her loss. You never know whats around the corner or what tomorrow holds. Stay up brother. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:22:27 AM | @unleashed? try not to blame yourself at fault here...not always the case. do you remember when you two first met? the excitement of getting to know one another? meeting and goin out...touching, cuddling to catch each others interest ? you both started out lighting a torch right? this goes both ways not just a one side. it seems when one catches the intertest of the other, the flame on the torch starts to fade out...they loose interest of that person...so they seek else where to fill a void in their needs. its not because we cant fullfill their needs, theyre not able to fill their own needs...so no matter what you do...that person wont be happy til they are happy within themselves.
its to often i see people take a relationship for granted...how sad. It is very important in a relationship that both partners keep that flame lit. I have figured out to be happy with someone in my life.....i need to find someone who has the same qualities as myself. someone who cant show their appreciation or love for me....just isnt goin to work...period. I am kind and caring and I dont need to be praised all the time..but somedays its nice to hear that someone does appreciate us for the kind gestures .....it gives us the motativation to keep going.
I hope this helps you....keep smiling.
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:51:24 AM | unleashed,
You have great courage to post what you did. This is what most of us feel when we're in the same situation but would not have the bravery to say.
I have no magic words or advice that hasn't already been said here. I just wanted to send you a cyber-hug and wish you the best in this difficult time.
((((((((((((((unleashed)))))))))))))))))) 
WD | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:12:10 AM | | You cannot understand the feelings until you live it. I was out of state working to pay off my wifes online gambling debt $30,000.00 when I caught her cheating. I read a myspace e-mail from her to the other guy she was talking about doing a sexual act . I lost my step children whom I had grown to love as my own for 8 years. All of a sudden one day everything you charish, eveything you hold dear in your life is gone. I am trying to finalize the divorce she is living in my house and on 4 dating web sites claiming to be allready divorced. In MY HOUSE !!!!!! This wont make me a better person in any way. I will be a colder meaner more spitefull S.O.B | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:24:30 AM | Since there really no way out of this thing, prepare to be upset for anywhere from 4 to 6 months. But day by day you will feel a little better.
Here is a list of what you need to do.
1. Eat well because through the depression you'll sometimes forget.
2. I hate to suggest it but you might want to talk to your doctor about something for anxiety like Xanax your thoughts will race keeping you awake at times. You need to sleep to et through this.
3. You are not going to want to be social. DO IT ANYWAY! Even if you think you have nothing to offer. You need the perspective of your friends but strangers can provide conversation not related to your ex.
4. Keep a journal and write whenever you feel sad. You'll learn allot about yourself. Writing is much like mediation and can help you get through this quicker. This was the most important thing I did during my breakup.
5. Remove all of her pictures so you not constantly reminded of the situation.
6. Buy yourself something you've wanted for a while. You deserve it!
7. Do things to help others. It will make you feel better about yourself and your place in the world.
I’m really sorry your going through this you will get better! | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:00:58 AM | | I went through almost the exact same circumstance (minus the children involved). You go from absolute grief and devastation to tremendous feelings of guilt (what could of I done differently?) to anger (no one deserves to be treated this way!). After separation I didn't have a clue who "I" was anymore. After 9 years of sharing myself, I felt very alone. Look up though, it is fun to rediscover who you are. What you need to focus on is the following: you have 2 choices. One, "resist" what is happening to you - or option two - "accept" what is happening. If you resist and remain trapped in those feeling described above you will continue to suffer. If you accept it (no matter how hard it is), you will heal and move on. Remember that life is an experience, and no-one likes to be a divorce statistic (I had a hard time with that because I have a traditional view of marriage). What you carry is not baggage - only a better appreciation of life and relationships. If you see the positive in that, the next person in your life will be so very lucky. People that go into relationships without this experience are rather blind and niave to how much work relationships and marriage actually require. I pity your ex - she is destined for a life of turmoil. What you also need to know is that positive thought attracts positive things - it is the signal that you are sending to everyone. If you think negative and remain stuck there - you WILL attract more negative things into your life. Remember that you need to love yourself first before you can really love another - then you will be ready. Be kind to yourself, you are a victim here - of loving a cold person. There are MANY people out there looking for exactly a person like you. Make plans. Go on that vacation you always wanted or spend a little extra to see that concert you always wanted. I will give you some quick advice. Put forth legal separation as fast as possible and under no circumstance talk about nothing with her except legal stuff and children issues. During separation tempers and emotions run wild and can make separation VERY messy. She will likely fish for your emotions - don't fall into that trap. It is also common for ex's to come back in 3-6 months wanting back in. Do not be fooled by that either. Best of luck man! | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:15:54 AM | | Unleashed103, I'm so sorry for your pain and glad to read that you've started the climb out of that dark terrible place. I've also been there and it ain't no picnic to say the least, I had backslides as well. My comment is a thank you for your honesty and your very elegant description of what you held dear. I'm awed by this forum's outpouring of love and understanding and it does give me hope that there are many goodhearted people in the world, not just a few. I will take my cynicism down a notch. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:29:51 AM | | I just wanted to mention an interesting book I've read recently called "Stumbling on Happiness". It's a really unique perspective on what exactly happiness is and how we can acheive it. The thesis of the book is that for most of us, happiness is achieving our vision of the future (ie/ when I have this, I will be happy, etc..) and that happiness is the series or creating and reaching these future goals. The author states that one of the reasons relationships ending can be so devastating is because our vision of the future is quickly destroyed and our psyche has a hard time dealing with it, especially for people who tend to be "nesters". I just thought it was an interesting perspective and additional reason why ending a relationship can be so devastating. I know in my last relationship, letting go of my vision of our future together was one of the hardest things. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:37:51 AM | unleashed103,
Oh, dear guy, you conveyed it perfectly. You are sharing a pain most of us have already eaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner at some point in our life.
Suicide is not the answer. You cannot stop loving yourself. Remember yourself as a child, picture yourself as a happy little boy: playing, smiling, curious about life. See him? You do not want to harm that little child do you?
See yourself a few years later? Laughing with friends, enjoying life, any fav moments before you met her? See yourself then? You do not want that guy dead do you? Harmed? No. You need love and a hug. That guy you picture in your mind needs to be there as his kids grow up, when they are married, when he/you are a granddad one day!
You will work through this as if most of us had off’ed ourselves at one point or another….would not be many posts here on POF -smiles…….
It will get better; it takes time……time........talk to anyone you can to help you through this……. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:41:31 AM | Hi Unleashed. I know the lonliness that you are feeling. After going through such a loss, it is natural to experience a range of emotions and grief. Humiliation, heartbreak, anger, sadness, hatred, worthlessness, uselessness, denial, and unbearable lonliness. Your feelings won't go away overnight, so go ahead and feel them, because you will, even while life continues all around you. It will take as long as it takes for you to get through this. For me it's been 1 year, 3 months, 11 days, and 2 hours since the sudden and unwanted breakup with someone I truly loved for the 5 years we were together. Eventually, as I did, you will reach a light at the end of this dark tunnel. It will come when you decide it's time to be happy again, or at least to try to be happy again. To enjoy whatever goodness you have in your life. Take a look, it's there. You will meet new people, and begin to live the life you have, even without that someone special to focus on. Focusing on yourself, your ambitions, hopes, dreams, and goals is not such a bad place to be. You will reach a point when you can look at this as a new phase in your life...an adventure unfolding... with you as the hero! Occassionally, like today, my mind tries to slip back into the past and all those feelings will want to resurface. But I don't want to be unhappy anymore, so I chose to come here instead. And I'm glad I did, because your words touched me, and I hope mine have helped you, even if just for the 5 minutes it took to read them. Hugs and kisses from someone who feels your pain!
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 11:48:10 AM | | you lose a period of time that eventually becomes 'history'. hopefully you will regain a good co-parenting relationship with your ex-wife, right now it's your children that count, and they need two loving supportive parents. hard to do, but by focusing on the children and allowing some time to pass to heal, believe me, you will survive and maybe move on to a better more rewarding life, and grow into a person that you love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time heals all, but trying a little bit helps too! I left a 30-year relationship, took three years not to feel awful everyday, but I kept ploughing through and eventually one day? I felt happy again! Good luck! | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:28:05 PM | | in your case i guess it could be the ability to trust again that easily.i feel bad for u man but life is like that.bad things happen to good people.and by reading your post u do sound like someone who didnt deserve that.but u know what they say what doesnt kill u only makes u stronger.im sure this experience will make u grow and this wont happened again with the next person u do meet.ill telll u something the real chalenge might be not being tempted to get back with her.cause that long distance relationship she made online wont work.usually never does.she probably never met the guy right before she left u.if its the typical thing as usual she will go there,meet him he'l turn out to be a jerk or more precisely not 'the dream' she had in mind so then she will get back down to reality and realise she wants the true love she had from u.but u shouldnt get back with her.if she did that once she will do it again. the main thing to do right now is to make sure the kids are not bothered too much by the situation with u and your wife.try to keep relations with her on a civilize level if possible.for the good of the kids. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 7/5/2007 7:17:55 AM |
I finally concluded that, even if you truly gave it all, the love&the ability, & even the desire to share it, grows back. Slowly. But don't get ahead of things. deal with the present, &only the present for now. &, if you can't do it yourself, get help, asa couple others have suggested.(one source of help, could be a higher power, if you believe in one).
Bingo!! Great post Bill!!
unleashed103..you said it yourself..."through the grace of God ." I wish you the very best...take it slow and try to let God help you. Truly he still works miracles.
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 7/6/2007 8:40:39 PM | You are a VERY Smart-Blonde...that is exactly what you lose. It leaves a vacant space that all the positive things and actions that you focus on, keep busy with, create...will not fill the void. It gets better with time, and it certainly gets better when another special person comes along. It's been six years since my loss, and when I least expect it something familiar will pop up out of the blue, and I still get that 'sucker punched' feeling. Things got much better when I determined that the significance of having him in my life far out weighed the pain of learning to live without him.
FFT  | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 7/8/2007 4:04:46 PM | First let me say that I am sorry you are feeling so lonely and hurt, the pain truly is unimaginable!
Try to look past all the bad and look really hard to see what you've learned! That is the only way to manage (I speak from experience), to see all the great things you've learned about yourself through this!
You will learn that you are a strong man, willing to go out there again and be loved, you are able to be alone and be okay with that oneness.
Even though you may feel suicidal, lonely, or miss those tender moments, you will prove that it's okay to feel all those things, but take strength in knowing you will push it all!!
You will look back on this time, and feel relief that you got through this pain. What you don't understand yet, is you needed to go through this pain to get to the next step or stage in your life.
Each relationship is a learning experience and each person you meet will provide you with something that you didn't know about yourself before.
You will amaze yourself and your children, with how great life can be after this painful fight to regain peace and to find love again!!
I wish you lots of luck!!! | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 7/9/2007 6:32:54 AM | | its extremly hard starting over, myself was married 9 years,u think hey what am i going 2 do now,who will support me ,who can i talk 2,ive been single 5 years have been reluctant 2 become 2 involved once again mainly for my childrens sake however the one thing i have learnt is i have become a stronger more independent person and i have only myself to thank,the pain will ease and you will trust again there is no certainty in life but live out ur inspirations and focus on what the future may hold,take each day i truly believe there is happiness out there once u reach it within x | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 7/9/2007 7:32:27 AM | | I am sorry. You are terribly hurt and that hurt will take a very long time before you can say with conviction 'I am over this and ready to move on'. I know it is alot easier for me to say to you that in time it will all get better. It will but, you need to deal with the hurt and the anger and accept the situation before anything can happen. There is a line which goes like this ' if you truly love someone, then let them go, if it's meant to be, they will return'. There are going to be alot of times when you will think about her and remember things that was said and done. You need to take one day at a time and spend more time with your kids and maybe get a new hobby. It will get better someday, when it will, all depends on you. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 7/9/2007 7:50:20 AM | | You put that beautifully and it expressed everything I am feeling as my wife of 6 years did a similar thing and left me feeling empty. I have had exactly the same problems with my emotions not knowing which one was going to be next and when I finally have a few good days I suddenly find myself sobbing uncontrollably realising what I've lost and my feelings of complete worthlessness. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 7/9/2007 7:59:27 AM | | I REALLY see this a blessing for you, look at this pictures down the road, its better she is gone now then later, you are still young can easily find another LADY or someone with good moral / ethics values. I would say good riddens to bad rubbish. always look at the bright side of life..........there are PLEANTY of fish in the ocean. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 7/9/2007 9:52:14 AM | well its been awhile since ive checked the replys to this post but i have to admit there are many great caring people out here with a lot of wisdom.....andys reply really stands out as it helps to know i am not the only one with these feelings... although i am sorry others have had to endure this....however as a quick up date i am slowly peicing my life back together, even though the soon to be ex wife is doing everything in her power to tear me down again, but i have found strength i never new i possesed....and some how some way i will prevail in the end, live a good life, find a good partner that will be a positive influence for my kids, and be the best dad to my kids i can be, even if the ex doesnt want me around them .
thankyou all of you for all the kind words, messages and support ....you people have helped me more then you will ever know through this storm.....just by providing an outlet, and some kind of response telling me things that in my heart i know, but was refusing to accept
once again i cant thank all of you enough | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 3/14/2008 5:09:58 PM | hey, i totally feel for you. ihave been traveling down the same alomost exact road for the last 3 years.don't beat yourself up man.she chose not to love,so it's her lose.marriage is taken way to lightly these days.you have to be strong for your kids.remember know one can ever take your place in their hearts. you are the only father they will ever have.be happy,cuz out of love lost you 2 that will love you for the rest of your life like no one ever can or ever will for that matter.i truley thought i lost the love of my life when she told me go cuz i don't love you any more.you could have hit me square in the face with a shovel and would never hurt as much as the one you gave your heart and soul to in front of god .if my marriage taught me one thing about myself that i did not know before it is this.i was a lost soul till i met and married that person.even though she has turned into a very nasty spiteful beotch lol.she taught me how to really love some one and gave me the greatest gift anyone ever could... my boys. don't let yourself feel damaged because of someone elses mistakes.she burned bridges not you, so chin up there is one person out there who is dying to find a guy like you and me who knows how to love someone.we have to learn to let someone love us again.lol what is truely lost you ask? well for me i lost my my blinders to the world as it really is.i have come to realize that you can't make some one love you.that does not mean you can't love them with your whole heart.be a man lol wear it proudly on your sleeve.eventually the one who it is truely meant for will see it and you will be amazed at what that feels like.they say shit happens for a reason, i gree lol made me a better man and taught me what i truel need in my life.so with all my rambling i must say good luck to you my friend.remember she burned her bridges,and she is makin you feel; like shit only to make herself feel better lol. makes her pretty pethetic in my book.be a good dad thats all you can do for your family now.and get out there and find HER she's been waiting her whole life for someone just like you! | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 3/14/2008 5:19:07 PM | You lose your best friend.
Your dreams, and future together.
Someone that always put a smile on your face and would give you a hug at the end of the day to make everything better.
Someone to fall asleep beside at night, and when he held you made you feel safe.
All of the things I have lost from my marriage were and had nothing to do with material things. | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 3/15/2008 12:34:51 AM | I read alot of these posts and it seems to me there are alot of broken hearted people out here I say that in a joking way. I lost a lot of material things ,but those are minor and can be replaced in time. but agree the things that you lose on the inside and in the heart and drive to even look for a new love I wonder if they can ever truely be replaced???? if you go to a tatoo shop and have a broken heart wraped with barbed wire and put the words FLAT DONT GIVE A F _ _ _ !!! around it, Tatooed on your chest right where your heart should be does this mean you are down on love???? L.O.L. Well say hello to the guy that did that. and also say hello to the guy who still cant even explain WHY because now it makes it a little hard to explain when your with some one new,or if you ever decide to try it again!!! Is it just me or is it hard for anyone else to open thier heart and soul again to someone after things go so wrong the first time??? because you share things with a lover that you would not even dream of sharing with anyone else!!! Can a heart ever be broken more than once???? or is it that you dont let people in that far again and try and protect it after the first time . i was just kinda wondering who thought what. I been single now for 12 years and still aint sure if Im ready to share all my thoughts hopes and dreams and all my secrets with someone new!!!! Is there anyone out there like me ??? or am I the only one thats afraid to take that ultimite dive into love again????  | |
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| What is truely lost when a long term relationship ends
Posted: 3/15/2008 2:28:15 AM | I've been where you are right now. It's hard to believe at this moment, but you will get through this...and...you will find happiness and love again. I'm concerned that you've mentioned suicide more than once. Consider what that act will do to your children. If you can't shake the thought, go see your doctor! You may need some help in the form of depression medication.
A cyber hug sent to you! | |
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