| dating single parents
Posted: 4/15/2007 4:31:45 PM | | Well said. However, I think that before a guy (or gal) should shy away of dating someone simply because they have children, they should think about it. Not all ex's are crazy, not all kids cause problems and not all relationships end. You had many good points though. Thanks, I'll keep them in mind! | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/15/2007 7:37:10 PM | Hey smiler1972 you are not alone.. I find that alot of men are really quite judgemental about a single mum... what most of the ones that 'don't want a woman with kids' doesn't realize is that most of us started families because we thought we had found our soul mate... some of us got abandoned, like me, and some others marriages just broke down... as for a man taking care of my son, no thanks, I don't need to be reminded everytime the guy has done something nice for him... I also have a very good job, benefits, pension, etc... why do I need a man for anything other than company for me???
...in fact due to the lack of committment from the men I have met in the past, I don't want my son to meet the next guy... I attract all the drama queens... looking for another drama 'hit' and when I won't give it to them they go a little nutty... top that off with my bi-racial child and now, no one is contacting me...
...so you are definitely not alone... but no worries.. one day, someone will see what we are... attractive members of the opposite sex... until then hang on and keep smiling, like the rest of us...
Tracey | |
|
Gavel
|
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/15/2007 8:08:05 PM | I find it interesting that HikingFitGuy discusses how his money is spent; if the children are not his......
I have a really good job, bought my own home, built it actually; am driven and independent to a fault. When I divorced, the only thing I took was the car.
I don't expect anyone to spend their money on myself or my children; just contribute with their emotions and their support. The assumption usually is that single moms are looking for a meal ticket. And, pardon me if I am wrong; but I have a strong suspicion that you would be the biggest benefactor of your money.
Jewels | |
|
Gavel
|
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 29 | |
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/15/2007 8:19:11 PM | I respect men who can be "bluntly honest"; as with most of the world.....honesty and integrity are a rarity. I would prefer to walk away from a man that cannot begin to comprehend the enormity of a woman's character who works full-time, manages her finances, keeps up with a beautiful home (that she bought with her own itty-bitty money), kids clean and well-dressed/fed.
Talk about a managerial GEM!
Someone who cannot comprehend what it means to still remain good friends with the "ex", develop coping mechanisms and quick-witted one-liners in response to the criticism that comes with single-parenthood from strangers and a new love-interests family.....
I have no problem now walking away from the "bluntly honest" and their unforgiving mothers.
Let me be honest and lay down the "rules of engagement". You get what you give.
My children are not pieces of furniture and are absolute learning moments for the "bluntly honest". Let's put this in the mix....my son is Autistic. Hence all the eyebrows that go up and sighs from the "bluntly honest" groups.
You want to know honest? My son doesnt' have the ability to lie as most children with ASD. So I challenge anyone to see how honest they truly are....LOL
My daughter is the gatekeeper of our home and my son's personal zena warrior.
So, the only thing I feel towards anyone who is scared of children; is that you have good reason to be. Both my kids can see right down to your soul.
Good day!
Jewels | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/15/2007 8:25:39 PM | takeitease
You deserve a medal... I have ONE healthy happy, albeit bratty son... I commend you and everything you must deal with in a single day, never mind your lifetime. I hope you find someone that can appreciate the level of integrity that you must have, to deal with what God has handed you.
Tracey | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/16/2007 2:35:49 PM | I find this thread to be interesting. Even though I have never been married or had children, I actually prefer dating single moms. Being a parent is the toughest job in the world, and that says a lot about a woman's character and maturity.
That's why I don't understand the guys that won't date a single mom. I know they don't like the idea of having to deal with her children and such, but believe me, as you get older you are not going to find many single women without children. You are really missing out on a lot of great people out there.
 | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/16/2007 3:07:18 PM | Why should it matter if ya got kids or not? Some guys just want an easy ride without complications, personally i think its the complications that make for a stronger and more open relationship, the one's who aint interested when they find out you got kiddies aint worth a second look.
Thats my 10 cents... | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/16/2007 11:35:09 PM | | To be honest I would be up front with any one I hoped to date.. I can't have children anymore so I wouldn't consider any one who wants them The beauty of profiles is that you can read and choose... lots of men are older and or have children themselves and some men don't aspire to have any children. It's about being discerning and open of such things. There are men who won't even look at you if you are a mom. I don't have issues with my ex... he's getting remarried and I am booking his honeymoon for him. So any man I date doesn't have to contend with an ICEPICK! Lot's of moms take their time when dating and learn to separate their adult time from mom time. I know ppl who have jobs and bosses more demanding than children and they don't have to explain themselves or defend what they have to do. Everyone has some form of limitations kids or not. Schedules finances, age, cultural differences. Many things in our daily lives affect how we may interact with others, it's whether or not ppl perceive these things as liabilities or assets. I think that men assume they have to be responsible for our kids. To the comment that a person dating a single parent is disposable.... Hello we wouldn't be single parents if our partners hadn't considered us and their children disposable... knowing this are you any less disposable dating someone without kids NO!!!! You are just as likely to be dumped or blown off by someone who has no kids. They are far less concerned about how many ppl they date or who comes into their lives . They have only themselves to consider, and can actually be far more carefree about dating than a single parent. If you want children don't date someone who can't have them. This would al;so include women who don't have any kids and don't plan on them ever... DATING>>>> GENTLEMEN DATING we aren't talking marriage... wow!!!! | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/16/2007 11:59:24 PM | Guys don't date women with children because they want to be the center of attention.
I already have all the kids I'm ever going to have. The fact that a woman I was interested in already had children would be something that I would expect. Most people on here that are around my age have already lived a life. I think that you should have a little patience. You wouldn't want to end up with some narcissistic jerk who is going to be jealous of your time spent with your children.
P.S. I don't think the nuns would let you bring your kids with you so you better think of a new plan B. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/17/2007 1:33:21 AM | Probably already said... But my $.02
Here's the deal....
No such thing as having a relationship with a single mom and NOT having a relationship with her kids.
The whole "Not looking for a dad, my kids have one"... will NEVER fly...
Face it.... What gal would want to be in a relationship with a guy who wants nothing to do with her kids???
So.. Any guy wanting to get to know you, KNOWS in the back of his head, that any potential long term relationship involves him becoming a stepdad....
Or... think of it another way... If a guy isn't going to have a relationship with your kids, then in essence he may end up competing with your kids for time and attention... Hmmm, not good if you ask me. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/17/2007 2:37:38 AM | After dating a single parent for 12 years.. with two children.. now 16 & 17.. Someone sent the following to me after our relationship ended... I wish I had seen it sooner.. OP.. I feel you pain.. but from the other side of the fence.. I feel every word below is true..
10 Reasons Not to Date Someone with kids:
1. They're not your kids. And you are not their parents. So why pretend like
that is a remote possibility? It is an illusion that will bear itself out in pain
and hardship.
2. Parenting is difficult enough, much less trying to do it with someone else's
kids. Difficult is a charming word. Maybe draining or excruciating are better
words.
3. They're not your kids. And because they are not, you will never have the
final say over anything in their lives unless their actual parents agree with you,
which inevitably they won't at times. Most times. Whether you are right, better
informed, whatever. Too bad! They are not your kids.
4. Because no matter what your feelings or plans or ideas are, the kids come
first, whether you agree or not. So when it comes down to it, you don't matter.
Say it: YOU. DON'T. MATTER. And mean it. Repeat it over and over and save
someone else the trouble of having to pantomime it out for you using real life.
5. Because you are always the bad guy/girl if you disagree with anything
relating to the kids. "What do you mean she can't come along on the special day we
had planned to spend together by ourselves?!! She's JUST a little girl! Look how
YOU are!!!". When you date someone with kids, you turn into an evil selfish
***hole for wanting your needs/expectations/plans to be met/fulfilled.
6. So the kids come first, as it should be (usually), and the plans always get
to change because kids have many real and imagined "emergencies" that require
your whole plans to flip more than a twister constestant. Over and over they
change and if you can't roll with the change and smile and not be disappointed,
then you are a schmuck.
7. Because they are not your kids. And when you get put on the back burner over
and over again for these little creatures you will start to resent them and it
will show no matter how hard you try to hide. Then you get to feel bad about
bad vibing little people. Great.
8. Because they will grow up to be teen agers then the fun really begins,
especially when they are not yours.
9. Because they are likely to be Beyond-Bratty after both parents spoil them
and don't set limits because they each feel so rotten about splitting up. Must
not let the little dears go without anything less than your full undivided
attention and complete resources at all times, after all they deserve it because they
are after all, your offspring. Except they aren't YOUR offspring.
10. Because they are not your kids. They know it. You know it. Your significant
other knows it. And in every little ****ing argument, everyone will remind you
that they are not your kids. It is an illusion that you fit in and have a role
in their lives that is only upheld as long as it is convenient for the parents.
Don't kid yourself. They are not your kids. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/17/2007 3:01:24 AM | Dating women with kids would not be for me.
Heck, I do not want kids of my own, and have zero desire to be involved with someone else's kids.
I think women with kids should date men with kids.
Childfree is my choice. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:21:48 AM | irishangel1,
nice little letter, now apply it to the person you married and is the parent.. Oh look, there are people that get jealous and resentful of their own children.. imagine that... then they too get up and leave because a lot of people think their own children are disposable...
I dated a man with a child long before I had mine... the ground rules were set from day one, I did NOT want to be their mother, I was their friend. IF my opinion was asked for, then I gave it, I did not just decide that I must know everything because I was on the outside looking in..
Since we were just DATING I assumed that his child would come first, there was no talk of marriage, or anything permanent in the beginning and I was ok with that... What grown person needs to have someone's attention ALL THE TIME????
Hello... grow up... adults are supposed to take care of themselves, the sooner that the selfish ones out there realize that, the better off society would be.
And any man that judges a woman by the fact that she has a child, better not complain where he gets judged for the type of car he drives or the clothes he wears... because my child is not ME. He is a creation of the love I had for the man I married, and I vowed to take care of him when I became a parent... that does not mean he defines me, nor does that mean that my life revolves around him. It means that I have devoted myself to being the best parent I can. Nothing more, nothing less. I would also devote myself to being the best girlfriend/partner that I could be, nothing more, nothing less there either. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:45:07 AM | | I have had too many bad experiences with mothers and just won't date them anymore. The vast majority of the time, the mother is the one not wanting to go out with me, usually because I cannot appreciate what it takes to raise childern, being I have none myself. Also, they look at dates as job interviews. I am just wanting to go out and have a good time and if it was meant to be, it will happen. It's just too big a hassle with mothers. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/17/2007 4:22:51 PM | Well... I have been a stepfather before...
I guess I'm the odd man out.
It was great. End of story...
Despite the fact things didn't work out with their mom, to this day I still maintain a relationship with the kids.
I can tell you... Never ONCE did the issue of me not being their natural father arise.
Dating a woman with kids isn't for everyone, but, there are enough guys out there that don't have problems with it... Don't give up the ship. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:12:13 PM | | I don't know, I would think that me having a kid has some kind of bad stigma attached to it but it doesn't seem that way. At least on personal ad websites. When I meet people IRL it doesn't seem to matter either. I make sure the first thing I say to someone that is interested is something about my boy just to weed them out. Haven't had to weed due to that just yet. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/18/2007 6:44:41 AM | The bad part about dating single parents is that if you breakup, you lose the kid(s) as well. If you're one who really loves kids, and this happens, it's devastating. Some people won't date single parents for that reason. Others won't date em because they simply don't want kids (or someone else's kids) in their lives at this point.
It happens, just like people who won't date republicans, people with cats, or telemarketers... it's arbitrary and there's really nothing to do about it - cept move on. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:09:32 AM | I have a very unique point of view on this subject.
I have a hard time deciding who meets my children and who doesn't.
I have two children who are autistic and they are very aware of who are "Mommy's friends" and who are more than that. So exposing my children to others is a carefully thought out plan. Dating me is just dating me for quite some time before my children are even involved.
I am very cautious of dating anyone who wants kids as well because I am done having children... baby factory is closed. So that eliminates half the men on here at least. Yes, some of the choice options in our profiles do serve a good purpose. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:14:46 PM | "The bad part about dating single parents is that if you breakup, you lose the kid(s) as well. If you're one who really loves kids, and this happens, it's devastating. "
Truer words were never spoken. There can be the once bitten twice shy scenario there...
On the other hand... My guess is that most guys.. given enough time... Would be willing to climb back up on that horse. The danger is not to jump too soon, for danger of seeking a replacement, before being comfortable with the loss. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:05:05 PM | | Wow! This is a really interesting discussion. I myself have two young children 10 and 11 and I would be lying if i were to say that if I decided to get involved with someone I wouldn't expect them to help me with them. How could this be possible to be in a relationship with someone who has kids and not be a contributor, although you didn't contribute your sperm you did decide to get involve with me and therefore I come with a package and that would be my children. They are my life and my love and I make it perfectly clear too all men I get involved with that they come 4th me, myboys, then them. I do appreciate when a man is upfront and says I just don't date women with children, it is a big responsibility and some men can't handle that, that is perfectly acceptable to me. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/21/2007 4:18:11 PM | I don't go out with women with children because I (1)don't like drama(baby mama-baby daddy) .I don't even want to be around anyone that's arguing even if it doesn't involve me.It ruins my day.(2)The woman is usually limited in the time she has and in what she can do ,where she can go.(3)Some children are very disrespectfu, and don't want mom to be with anyone but their dad,and cause problems within the relationship.(4)I want to be married and have a family with a woman someday,and a lot of women have had" the operation"and can't have any more children. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/21/2007 7:23:48 PM | Here's my take on it. First off, let me say that I have in the past dated women with children and haven't had a problem with it.
Since we're talking about this site, or dating sites in general. When a person looks at a page and finds the person to be interesting, and want to get to know them, the fact that there are kids involved really shouldn't be an issue in my opinion. The reason is that the person that you find to be interesting, and want to know more about is that way as a result of their children and what they have been through as a result of being a parent.
People have brought up issues of discipline, being an alternate father and so forth. If this is the point in the relationship that you're at, well it makes sense to me that there should be some soft of communication and understanding between both people. Are there lines that aren't to be crossed? If there are problems as a result of this, then they can be worked out. Relationships are about communication, and mutual understandings, give and take.
We're all adults here, and if people can't communicate, and come to understandings then it isn't going to make a difference if the reason for it is children, because ultimately there will be other problems with couples that don't have children. I'm sure there are other opinions on the subject, but that's the way I see things. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/21/2007 9:07:40 PM | Smiler1972, Don't join the nuns. That said not all men are afraid of being in a relationship with a woman that has children. Not everyone wants to be around kids(not sure why) unless they are their own. There are some of us guys out here that are not afraid of dating a woman with kids. I personally like kids, even though I don't have any of my own, and have have dated single moms before.
Also as others have posted when someone wants to get to know you they also have to get to know your kids, if the relationship is going to work. A few women have made it more difficult for the other single moms out there by looking for a new "daddy" for their kids. I know they are few but like the idiot guys out there the few make the rest have to work harder to get past the bad image. | |
|
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/22/2007 2:16:06 PM | I've been lucky there have been men that are OK with a single mom, and then the others that clump us all together into a one pot..a pot where they think we are just looking for a substitute father. BUT I've also heard by a lot of men, that they get attached to the kids, and when the relationship is over, not only have they lost their lover, but they have lost the kids in the process. I've heard that it has been the toughest thing on a man dating a single mom.
The other issue is..some don't want to be in a situation where they are fighting over the attentions of a mom..we are tied down a little more than a non mother. Not that I agree with it, as I can get out as much as I want..but in their mind this is a negative rather than a positive.
Another issue is, if he does not have kids of his own, and he wants kids, a lot of women who already have kids, might not want more. It's a complex issue. | |
|
mel 1
|
Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 50 | |
| dating single parents
Posted: 4/23/2007 3:26:10 AM | I only joined this site a couple of weeks ago,and feel quite proud to be a single mom knowing i've done a good job.He's never given me an ounce of trouble and has helped me with my profile to.He sees it that its time for me to get back into the dating game and does not see it as finding him another dad(although hes not seen him for 14 years).So long as i'm happy he is to.If a man wants to date someone with a child he has to accept that sometime in the future he WILL become dad to some degree he can't just be there when it suits as this can and does result in a break up again.So come on ALL you people out there give single moms and dads a chance we are as human as you and need hugs and kisses of an adult nature to you know! | |
|
Home
login 
