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j5rush
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Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 51 | |
| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/16/2007 11:16:42 PM |
Men are always told "the kids are part of the package" & its true. I have been in situations where I liked the woman,but the kids have a complete lack of disopline in there lifes. I have been in the situation where the kids are great & its the mother that needs to learn a thing or 2.
" The package" also includes me!!! If I mesh with one part of the pakage & not the other, lets just say there's no more packge... I'll agree to that!  | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/17/2007 12:14:43 AM | | Moon, it seems totally unrealistic to ask a single mother to wait till her children are 16 to start dateing. A good mother can take care of her children & still date occationally. I'm getting the impression that you just don't want to be bothered with children what so ever more then for the welfare of their kids. Most women, with an exception of a few, are not looking for men to take care of their children. They realize it is their responsibility to do so, as I read it so often on these forums here on POF. They are just like anyone else trying to love and be loved by somebody else. I am too wondering if you have kids yourself & if you have not allowed yourself to date until they were 16. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/17/2007 12:31:03 AM | I too find it hard to find dates as I still have one child at home. But he is "my" responsibility and I would not put "any" man before him, so if dates can't accept that he is part of my life then I don't date them. My son has a father, am not looking for a substitue one.
I dated a man off of this site for 8 weeks. He got on well with my own son as he was an older child but He had 3 children of his own, 2 quite young, but only bothered with contact once a month. And the way in which he spoke about his own children, was very off putting. Seemed to be absolutely "no" love there at all.
Hate it when kids are called baggage or brats!!! Ive met fellas that have had "baggage" and it hasn't been kids. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/17/2007 12:44:44 AM | | Oh reading this has really got my blood boiling, lol with all these negative responses. I'm a single mom, my kids are at their dads on the weekends. If i choose to date someone, its only on the weekends or when I have family in town on the week nights. Random men DO NOT and I mean DO NOT meet my kids. I just hate it when people just come to the conclusion that we single moms never get a moment to ourselves and that if were in the dating world that we have a revolving door of men in and out of our lives along with our childrens, thats just a horrible assumption to make. Children get very attached(at least mine do) very easily how can you just think that we're allowing our children to be in such a vunerable position right off the bat. I have to be seeing a guy for quite a while and feel its going some where for me to introduce him to my children, they are a special gift to me and any man who i have introduced my children to is very lucky, because that means i've thought well of him and our "relationship" to do so. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/17/2007 12:47:40 AM | Egad!!
and alot of us Single Moms are doing just that! Single handedly...without nary a dime of support from dear ole dad!!! He comes and gets them but dont pay up....o YAY!
and steals all the clothes and goodies i BUY them....
hmmmmmmmmmm
Well, you hate sending them to him in rags, because ya know? it isnt THEIR fault, and yet on my income i cant keep supplying HIM, who has his own very large INCOME and own multiple businesses, but pays all his employess under the table, so ya know? i cant really win...he even has the cops on his side! shakes the judges hands. who ever said POLITICS and Money dont pay, dont know squat.  
but i figger they will figure it all out in the wash one day....
Meanwhile, i have NO problem with dates, but hey! I just wanna concentrate on raising my kids, but i DO like being wined and dined, when they go to their dads, which is ONE day a week and a couple nite-overs....
I do sympathise with those of you who have to put up with crap. Its been 7 long years with my X and he still pulls it. Brings them home when he wants, or DONT bring them home.....stuff like that. keeps their clothes, brand new coats i just bought them, etc....ive yet to see him buy them a Christmas present! his momma does....he NEVER has!!!
SAD. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/17/2007 6:45:53 AM | | I am a single dad raising a 5 yr old son and yes kids can make or break a relationship. I am in a catch 22 as I am 45 with a 5 yr old and most women under 40 want kids which I do not and women around my age want a man who does not have the responsibilty of a kid at home as this puts a dent on my availability. Also how our kids behave can be a major factor. Most people don't want to deal with bratty kids who don't behave. Not saying thats your case... | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:03:56 AM | Iwas seeing a woman with twin 10 yo boys. Both did karate.
I was sitting on the floor, leaning against the sofa, watching them do their forms and stuff. Out of the blue, one gives me a roundhouse kick to the chest-HARD. And stood there looking at me.
When I caught my breath, I said "You owe me an apology"
"No Way"
Mom "He's just playin around!"
"That's inappropriate use of karate, he owes me an apology and he should be punished"
"Well, you're not his dad"
"I'm not his playmate either"
Left and never returned.
One of the mistakes single parents make (I know I have) is turning to their children for companionship. That might work for teenagers. Not for younger children. Another is responding to every request for interaction from the child. These set up expectations in the child and responses in the adult that will work against establishing an adult relationship.
I was having coffee with an acquaintance with a 5 yo daughter. She came up with a drawing and her mom said "I can't look at your drawings now, sweety" I think that was good, not permitting the interruption. The girl got very upset though. After calm returned , we talked (the mom and I) about the interruption. She admitted that, if I hadn't been there, she would have stopped what she was doing to look at the drawings. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 10:08:57 AM | OMG!!!
I would have took that sucker out and stuck him in his room until the proper time she could talk to him. In front of you was NOT the proper time, but he DID owe you an apology and if he refused to apologize , then that mom was way out of control of her not kids, BRATS~! and i dont often call kids that. it just aint ME.....
as far as the little girl goes, i think it wrong that she DIDNT acknowledge her drawing and I am going to tell you WHY!
Too many kids of divorce gets IGGYED.....IGNORED......one after another after another woman enters their dads relationship or vice versa and all they are doing is SEEKING REASSURANCE!!!!!!!
NOW: once she is re assured, that one time, and be-bopps baack to her room, if she CONTINUES to inturrupt, then i aggree......it should NOT be allowed........
:) These children are shuffled not only in ONE home, (Momma's) but in Daddys also.....who goes thru relationship after relationship after relationship. They just want reassurance!!!!!!!!!!!
Mkay...thats the counselor comin out in me.  | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 11:11:15 AM | LMAO...you have a couple of Denis the Menace.
I know its a serious question but I've said it in some of my other threads kids make it hard to find a good man. Also just because me and your are great don't mean i have to like your brat's. I get rip for telling the truth. This is the perfect example.
HONEST ANSWER:
Kids are scary. There like the X factor . It depends on how you raise them. You have the ones that don't have a manly figure in there life and mom lets them get away with a lot. Then theres the woman who's been taking care of them so long that when you try to step in we get our head blown off. Or you'll just have the Very bad ones and they normally say some BS like ..." you aint my Daddy" I'm like .thank GOD!.
Just keep trying ... | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 11:24:21 AM | OP, for starters realize you are no more apt to find a "perfect man" than any man is apt to find a "perfect woman" and you might just be headed in the right direction. I would suggest you ask yourself instead, why the rush to introduce a man to your children? The last thing any woman (or man for that matter) should be doing is subjecting the kids to some revolving door of men (or women). I don't care in what capascity said person is introduced as. Kids are much more astute than most parents give them credit for. Even when you think they are too young to understand what is going on, they actually know full well what mommy and daddy are up too.
Secondly, this presumption that men are looking to play "daddy" to your kids (as some have suggested), is equally ridiculous. Contrary to what most of you single moms seem to think, most of the men comng into the lives of you and your children are well aware of the fact that they are not the father of your children, nor are they want to be. See what you seem to be forgetting is they signed on to date you, and be with you, first and foremost, not your extended family. So if they so happen make you, and more importantly your relationship together, their priorty for concern, I fail to see why you would take umbrage with that. They are after all your children, and hence your responsibility, not his. His only responsibility so far as you are concerned, is to you and your relationship together.
Lastly, we have the "Package Deal". Here I couldn't agree more. Single parents and their children are in fact a "package deal", but remember that what drew the gentleman in (or woman as the case may be)was his attraction to you, not necessarily the fact that you have children. While he may very well both understand (and I use the term 'he" purely to illustrate my point) and appreciate the fact that you and your children are a "package deal", upon seeing the whole package he may or may not decide he is not nearly as enamored by the whole, as he was by the sum of some of it's parts. I fail to see how you can hold that against him (or her as the case may be). Realizing your potential partner has children or a lifestyle with their children, that you cannot live with is no different than said potential partner having some annoying habit you cannot live with. Everyone has things that will and will not be acceptable to them, and we have to both accept that and respect that. As much as we might love and adore our own children, expecting others to feel exactly the same is both unrealistic and irresponsible.
More often than not, if a relationship goes sour as a result of meeting the children, it has to do more with you taking enough time to strengthen your relationship as a couple first, before adding any further mitigating factors to the equation, such as meeting your respective families or children. A relationship between a man and a woman is supposed to be just that, a relationship between a man and a woman, not a man, a woman and her children, leastwise not right off the bat. So work on yourselves as a couple and make sure it's working really well before you bring others into the picture. I mean if you think about it, there is no hardcore expectation for a perspective partner to love their potential inlaws, so why the expectation they should love your kids? Mother-in- law jokes are around for good reason. Both are package deals when you take a hardcore look at it, and neither choice is of your partners choosing, they only get to choose you, and in the end that is the only choice that should really matter.
Speaking from personal experience, I have been divorced for 6 years, and have 2 sons of my own. Over the course of those 6 years I have had relationships that ranged from 3 years, to 1 year, to 6 months (the most recent), and several that lasted 2-3 months. Of all those relationships, only the ones that lasted a year or more ever met my sons. My most recent relatinship lasted 6 months and she never met my sons, and now that it is over I am rather glad they didn't. On the flipside, I have met the children of all but one of the women I have dated more than once (an not always by my choosing), and in that one case it was because the weekends I came to visit, the child in question was with his father. So perhaps before you condemn someone for leaving after meeting your children, you should ask yourself why there is such a rush to have your intended meet them to begin with? Perhaps more time should be spent on working on the couple first. Good luck!
Have fun ;)! | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 11:25:10 AM | | If someones kids needed meds to be manageable, I wouldn't get involved. Peopel with issue slike that usually don't disclose it , hoping you'll get attached. Now I have a policy, I don't want to meet your kids, and you don't have to meet mine. after all this is only about dating, not starting a blended family. See if two people can get along first , befor eintroducing kids into the mix. | |
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Algy
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Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 64 | |
| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 11:34:10 AM | Agree with Piano4: You don’t have to have children to know something about parenting; and having children does not mean you know something about parenting - unfortunately.
As a man who is an acting dad to a nine-year old, I think it’s important for children to be exposed to good male role models even if they are not permanent. In this sense I have to respectfully disagree with Moon. As long as mom is making thoughtful relationship choices and being prudent about contact, the contact is good for the children. It is important for mom not to lose focus of her children’s needs, however.
most single mothers are doing great raising their kids..than they were with a so called spouse and father to her kids
I’m sure most single mothers are doing as well as they can, but to imply that one parent is better than two is unrealistic and smacks of self-delusion.
If you’re a non-parent and contemplating getting involved with a shake and bake family, you’d better be prepared to be an advisor, a playmate, an enforcer, and a collaborator (with the parent). The trick - I’ve discovered - is that your partner has to be willing to let you parent your own way.
@Grig: I think the parent/child companionship issue can also be observed in two parent families, particularly where one parent is often absent, and also in only-child families. Regardless of the makeup of the family, it is important the children learn some consideration for others. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 12:27:51 PM | I hear all this back and forth from single men and single moms going on here...
I'll give you my perspective as an adult child raised by a single mom. Yes I had a dad. Yes I saw him and had a relationship with him. My mom dated I'm sure. Did I ever know about it? No. Were strange men coming and going out of my life? Never. Did I have to deal with the stress of relationships ending? No. My dad got remarried when I was young and by that point I had met his "lady friend" and she was in my life for almost 5 years before they got married.
I adjusted fine because they integrated it slowly and allowed me my own time to get comfortable. Divorce or separation is hard on a kid - no matter how well you think you handled it or how civil you two are with each other. I don't think single moms should not have the opportunity to date. I don't think it's healthy to devote all your time, love and energy on just your children. It then forces them to be the surrogates for the missing part of a relationship.
I don't think you should force them to deal with abandonment either. I dated a single dad. He had 2 kids and only after about a year of us seeing each other did we talk about me meeting his kids. He'd never introduced a girlfriend to them before. We really talked it out. We discussed what he would say - how we would do it and whether or not we were both completely comfortable with it. Also, I knew what I was going into from the beginning. He was honest and upfront about his kids and his ex-wife and the situation that ended the marriage 5 years earlier. His main and only concern of course was his children and how I being in his life would affect them. I was happy to be a 2nd priority and I would never have made him feel guilty about that. His kids were a part of him and I loved him that was enough for me.
It was the best relationship of my life and his children brought me happiness and love. We got to know each other gradually. At first for short periods of time – a movie – dinner. My role was as their father’s friend and a friend to them. As time went on and they realized I wasn’t trying to take him away or steal his time from them they got more comfortable. Also, he would always ask them first if they would like to invite me to whatever they were doing. Sometimes they said yes – sometimes no. We made it easy for them to CHOSE whether or not I was involved. That made them more secure about their time with Dad. I didn't try to be their mother - they have one. But I had to figure out my own role and I allowed their father alone to set the rules and hand out the discipline. It's not an easy task to undertake but you should remember that the adults involved are the ones that make decisions. The children are the pawns. They really don’t have a voice unless you listen.
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Algy
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Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 66 | |
| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 12:51:05 PM |
I don't think it's healthy to devote all your time, love and energy on just your children. It then forces them to be the surrogates for the missing part of a relationship.
Very astute. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 7:53:50 PM | Well piano4te, it seems to me you have been associating yourself amongst a rather, shall we say, "trailer park type" of social circle. I was with my ex husband for 15 years, and my daughter was 2 when I met him. Not once, ONCE in all those years did she ever chant "you are not my dad etc etc etc". She was raised to have respect for those who cared for her, and knew that her stepfather was there because he loved her and wanted only the best for her. To this day she loves him dearly and considers him her true father. As for the revolving door that you so kindly commented on, when a woman has respect for herself she cannot help but permeate such dignity upon her children. I use discretion as well as class (perhaps I should define the word for you??) when dating. I don't expect any man I meet to take on the role of a father. They have a father. But at the same time he is an adult and deserves the respect from the children that any adult does. Parenting my kids is my job. Yes I will ask him for advice and for his opinion as no doubt I value that...and I would expect him to support me in issues that we have discussed concerning the children. But as far as him taking on the role? No. Thats not fair to him nor the children.
And by the way...just as every mom on here will claim...say what you like about me my dear, but its below the belt to take a shot at my kids. To quote your own phrase, I really thing in light of the silly post you offered...ENJOY SINGLEHOOD. I notice that you do not have kids. Funny how those without kids always seem to be the expert about them.  | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 8:35:54 PM | | hats off to you for setting Mr. Moon straight. I have heard of some single moms who move a different man in every other week and those moms should be robbed of the joys of motherhood, but when she said she introduced the guy to her kids she didn't say how long she had been dating this guy and then he disappeared. i am a single mom and my daughter is very well behaved and i am all in to her but i need a grown-up life too. in reply to the mom who stated that a man should feel honored to be introduced to her children, i agree; because i have been separated for almost 3 yrs and my daughter has only been introduced to one gentleman and i let her know he was my friend, they enjoyed each other's company. you don't introduce just "anybody" to your kids they have to be special, so that's what she meant by being honored. not like you are honored to be invited to the captain's table on a cruiseship, but honored because you think highly enough of them to let that person meet the most important people in your world. so moon man, if you don't want to deal with someone else's kids you should stop thinking like one. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 8:36:54 PM | Kid bashing thread...how sad. Some refer to kids as, "Brats". Yet they never met them. Are kids not allowed a bad hair day like adults? Is it possible they were observed when not practicing the best behavior?
Kids are innocent in these types of circumstances. The guy could not adapt to a situation...call it fright. Percentage wise...there are very few guys able to adapt to situtations that are out of the normal they are used to...unfortunately this involves non-marital children:(
Move on and hope statistically you get a match that can handle the change. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/19/2007 11:54:40 PM |
I am a single dad raising a 5 yr old son and yes kids can make or break a relationship. I am in a catch 22 as I am 45 with a 5 yr old and most women under 40 want kids which I do not and women around my age want a man who does not have the responsibilty of a kid at home as this puts a dent on my availability.
I have the opposite problem. I am 32 and done having children. Most men my age want kids of their own. The flipside of that is that if I meet a man who's not interested in having more kids, he's also not interested in having anything to do with my three small children (10, 3, 1).
And while my children have a father who loves them, he lives 1,800 miles away and only sees them a handful of times per year. Any man I got serious with would need to understand that, yes, he would indeed be a step-father. I am the primary disciplinarian and parent, and the man in my life would be there in a supporting role, but he would be a daily male model for my kids. I have a great father, brother, and male friend who are wonderful with my kids, but anyone who I settled down with would have to understand that my boys would be looking to him for direction in the "man" things.
I am not for everyone, and everyone is not for me. I'm upfront about my situation because I know only a select few special fellas out there have the character to take my "package deal" willingly and with love. | |
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Heide
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Joined: 3/23/2007
Msg: 71 | |
| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/20/2007 7:47:08 AM | I mean no offence to you by asking this question since I don't know you at all, but is it possible that it wasn't the kids, but rather your parenting style? If two people are going to go into a relationship long term that involves children that he feels he may one day have some responsibility for, if he would have a much different parenting style than your own, it wouldn't work out. Differences like spanker vs non-spanker, too lenient vs iron fist, etc... Did he say that it had anything to do with the kids? Often times I find that parents will use them as the reason when they don't have anything to do with it. The other possibility is if the kids were involved during a first meeting, that is a huge no. If he is okay with kids and loves them, etc.. that is irrelevant. For two reasons, one he can say that until he turns purple, but until you really know him, don't let a stranger around your kids, at best, they'll be confused, at worst, they'll be abused. Second reason, he may truly love kids and not be a child molester, that doesn't mean that he wants an instant family from the first date.
Dating can be tricky when there are kids, just make sure you are careful, don't introduce them too soon, and don't put blame on them. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/20/2007 8:54:11 AM | | I've experienced this problem myself before. I had to run and keep on running. But I did give it a real chance as the mother was very nice and on the surface well put together. Her child had real issues and they were only going to become exponentially worse with time. But the biggest problem I had was the massive failure between them to communicate in a healthy fashion. I tried helping as best I could, but they both resorted back to screaming and insults as soon as any obstacle came up. Most importantly, they just didn't see anything wrong or not enough for them to try and change it. It hinted at much bigger problems than I was capable of dealing with so I moved on. I'm sure likewise happens for both sexes, but mainly men as it's mainly ladies who have custody. | |
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| Single mom, match-finding problems
Posted: 4/26/2007 6:38:34 PM | | Dear Single Mom. I have two wonderful girls. I wouldn't think for a second to be without. I have read some responses whereas you are to wait till your kids are grown to date. Oh god, How unfair. If your not happy the kids are not happy. If you have boys, find a father of boys. If you have girls, find a father of girls. Most likely he will love your input in his life. I had dated a woman with a daughter and fell in love with her as much as the woman if not more. The woman has left my life and although everyone leaves a hole in your heart, The biggest hole is from the little girl and I would not ignore that for anything. Find a good man and he will love your children as you do. Your kids are part of you. Its who you are. | |
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