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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/5/2007 7:57:33 PM | | My only worry is that men who have never been married may not understand where I have come from as they seem to not have the same understanding of relationships as its just been 'them' they've needed to deal with. Just my opinion of course. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:11:16 PM |
My only worry is that men who have never been married may not understand where I have come from as they seem to not have the same understanding of relationships as its just been 'them' they've needed to deal with. Just my opinion of course. - Guesswhoo
Sure, in some cases where somebody was a "late bloomer" of some type where they hadn't ever married because they were a "wall flower", or the stereotypical "45 year old virgin" who's never kissed a girl before. 
That might be a valid question to ask.
But like myself (51 never married) , just because I've never been married doesn't mean I haven't had relationships or dated.
Or that I don't have excellent relationship skills.
I was just never lucky enough to cross paths with a good mutual match.
I can only speak for myself, but I commonly find when I date a divorced woman (and never married women in my youth), that I often have superior relationship skills, and that is often a reason why the relationship doesn't last.
This has always baffled me.
The most common problem is how they handle the inevitable arguments and disagreements.
I could go into detail if somebody wants me to, but I'm trying to avoid a long post.
I would simply close by saying there are a lot of us never married men that are quite eligible for a long term relationship. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:14:05 PM | | Inertia, your best times may be ahead.............who knows? My uncle got married in his 50's for the first time and he was happy for the rest of his life....... | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:35:36 PM |
Inertia, your best times may be ahead.............who knows? My uncle got married in his 50's for the first time and he was happy for the rest of his life....... - friendlyldy
Hi friendlyldy,
Actually I'm having good times now.
I've had a great life that's been blessed.
If I never cross paths with an available mutual match or get married it won't matter, because I've never connected my self image with whether I was single or not.
I just thought it would be fun to have her  along for the ride.. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/6/2007 9:18:04 AM |
^^^ hope you didnt take offense to my post. I guess you never know for sure unless you become part of that type of situation. - Guesswhoo
No, I don't take any offense from your post.
In fact when I came to the forums and saw this thread, I couldn't resist diving in. 
As a never married guy, I've found it fascinating all the stereotypes, questions and assumptions I've run into over the years.
I'll be the first to acknowledge that there are a percentage of dysfunctional never married people who run the gamut from "unable to meet someone who's at least eligibly compatible and actually get to know them to even see if a relationship is possible"(I met one of these a week ago Saturday at Starbucks ), or the basic "unable to commit", on through to the "45 year old virgin who's never kissed a girl before", to the "just plain nice but peculiar", etc.
But there is a subset of us never married people who are perfectly eligible relationship material, who want a longterm relationship or even marriage, if it enhances both of our lives. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/7/2007 5:50:58 AM | | ^^^ aren't you then more sceptical or hesitant of the past of the women you meet then, say they are divorced a couple of times, does that make you think they aren't very good relationship material? 'just curious how you see this' | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/7/2007 7:32:56 AM | My only worry is that men who have never been married may not understand where I have come from as they seem to not have the same understanding of relationships as its just been 'them' they've needed to deal with.
Why is the onus on him to understand you, and not the other way around? I mean, if we're going to call it a 'relationship'.
Perhaps rampant one-way expectations of this sort account for record numbers of never-married men these days. IOW, I'm not singling you out per se. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/7/2007 8:12:46 AM | " Why is the onus on him to understand you, and not the other way around? I mean, if we're going to call it a 'relationship'. "
Interesting comment, I suppose I see him questioning my past life more than I would his because of having a failed long term relationship where that commitment to marriage was made. The more I think about this it is rather a mute point, the past should remain where it belongs to allow the two people to develope their own relationship. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/10/2007 6:04:40 PM | Well now since I am still single and now 52 I can honestly tell you why I am still single.
Until I find a woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with and she can show me she also wants me to share the rest of her life with me I will remain single.
And yeah I understand all of you who got married /thought you had a good one & boom your not married any more and want the perfect mate now and Us single never marrieds seem like bad news !LOL
Well as us never marrieds over 50 will tell you we have not changed at all other then in age & looks. But you who did get hitched & split have really changed in more ways then you realize. And now you expect us never married folks to take you no matter what and we should be greatfull too! LOL
Wel sorry I have not and will not change my views on whom I am willing to meet let alone date. And I can not see me Lowering my expectations or standards to just settle for any woman who wants me !LOL And I am not worried and never will be worried if I do or do not get married. Either you are what I seek or your not . And don't even think of asking me to change just to date you as I won't . If you don't like me then don't bother wasting your time. I'm not here for buddies or because I am bored !  | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/10/2007 7:19:02 PM | | You make it sound like there is something wrong with someone who has not been married. I see lots of people who marry just to say they are and are unhappy and looking for outside relationships. Personally its something I have always wanted but that ahs not happened for me for whatever reason and at this age I doubt it ever will. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/11/2007 1:21:35 AM | | It seems as if most people think there is something wrong with us who have not been married when we get to be a certain age (I noticed that when I was about 40 that men seemed to be wierd out when they found that I have not been married) I am now 50 and would love to meet a great guy, and yes, I have fairly high standards in some ways. Nothing more than I can offer. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/11/2007 3:02:45 PM | IMO, there is nothing wrong with never having married, whether male or female, whether over 45 or under.
I choose to have a coffee before starting my day. Do I need another's validation that it's fine for me to do this, of course not! It's MY choice. If by my having coffee each morning, becomes a 'deal breaker' for a relationship, then I guess I'll just have to make a larger pot!!
Never let anyone make you feel less a person because you never married or had children. You are still wonderful, exciting and have much to offer!  | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/11/2007 3:13:16 PM | | I hesitated to say this but it is sometimes better to know the truth. I think it would have certainly been possible for you to have found someone to marry who would be OK with your morning coffee habit. I am sad to learn your marriage ended over a beverage conflict. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 11/11/2007 10:47:48 PM |
So, I have found a certain amount of deceit associated with that descriptive, and because of this I see it as a red flag.
If 'single' is a red flag, then WHO are you dating?
Is everyone guilty until proven innocent? Wouldn't it be easier to simple ask each man what he means by single and state clearly that you will hold him to that description like he swore on a Bible in front of his wife? | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:10:35 AM | | some people remain single because of their job , or previous jobs, some jobs can make a man feel that he can not provide security to a family, i am not talking financial, but if you are working a high risk job, you may feel that one day you may have an accident at work and not return to your family, and since you would not want to put a family through that ,you just dont marry, when on a high risk job you normally can retire early in life, around the 42 and thats when you find yourself single and looking. so it would be interesting to know what life a 40+ man or woman has led. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 1/3/2008 6:03:35 AM | I am single, I never married! When I was younger I was never in a rush to get married and did not know whether I ever wanted to. I travelled the world over in my career and it wasn't fair to a man to be chained to me either. I've always had my own profession so I wasn't looking for a sugar daddy to "take care" of me.
It dosen't mean I've never had relationships. That being said a couple of men have wanted to marry me, but I wasn't ready at the time. I did live with a man once, for 9 years and did not want to get married/obtain the bill of sale either - and not because I wanted to play the field, I was faithful to him.
Finally after years in hibernation, I did consent to marry a man 4 years ago, but we both decided not to. With the divorce rate what it is .... is it all that important to marry anyway? If you find your soul mate you can show commitment without that ceremony. If you must have a ring on the finger - that in itself is a commitment. get engaged! | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 7/12/2008 5:09:25 AM | There are a lot of articles surfacing lately about the sudden shock that some men who are 'never been marrieds' (NBM's) are experiencing socially and that is the feeling that they are considered 'damaged goods'. They point to and complain that not just women in their own peer group but younger women consider one or all of the following things to be true about them:
1) They are inordinately selfish human beings, incapable of change
2) They love their jobs too much
3) They are well past male menopause but not rebounding
4) Mentally or emotionally unhinged in some way
5) psuedo-hetero's aka closeted homosexuals
6) having end of life panic
Now, I actually think some of these suspicions are in fact TRUE. Any man who chose to live an essentially self-serving life and finds himself bereft of familial ties in his 50's that he would have now if he hadn't bought into that hippie nonsense of his era that to be young you need only act young (  / =  ), really has zero right to whine or complain about how no one wants to start a family with him. These men have NOT learned anything because they use the same exact logic for their choices in their 50's as they did in their 20's. It's self-interest ALONE that drives them e.g.:"Oh no, Death is right around the cornor isn't it? And here I am eating pizza and flopping on the couch just like when I was 18. And uh oh...I don't have any kids...or grand kids...or a wife...oh noooo..." so, continuing on in their vanity they look for a younger woman to have those things with. Which means, while it will be put differently, she's going to have a guy who's basically saying,"I love you so much baby I can't wait for you to play nurse maid to me, to widow you before your time, and to risk having kids with a man whose sperm is no longer viable in the bigger reproductive picture. They MIGHT come out OK, they migth not but hey baby, I'M willing to take that chance." This is the mindset of a juvenile. Rationalizations abound and inability to deal with the repurcussions of decades of choices do not marriage material make. Certainly not father material.
I don't agree that all NBM men over 40 are gay or psychotic, but I do think they by and large still labor under delusions that are in part unique to the hippy culture from their teen and young adult years. A kind of desperate need to cling to the absurd idea that you don't have to grow up, to grow up. Oh yes, you do.
In general, I'd say a NBM man should not whine about the fact that he faces some suspicion from potential dates. He should not whine about growing up and dating age appropriate women, not women who, if he'd had kids, would be his daughters age. I mean, Hello Creepy  He should look in the mirror and whine about where he put HIMSELF. And that's advice from freinds I have who ARE NBM men and are understanding their own culpability for where they're at now. A few actually smoked pot past 45, went to rock concerts, just generally still wandering the world as if they were adolescents, never realizing how stunted and pathetic they looked. They stopped, and they stopped blaming women and an unfair world for where they were at. I commend them for growing up finally, but they should serve as an example of warning to younger men. Growing UP is normal, DEVOLVING is not.
Men who suddenly want everything they should've set their mind to earlier cannot say they actually are 'there' until they can deal with the facts of their physiology and life stage and catch up once and for all to their own peer group, instead of continually trying to hijack the younger generations.
And before I get accused of attacking the guys or being a man hater or some absurd reaction along those lines, yes, women can be as guilty of this too. Selfishness is not gender specific BUT it does tend to symptomize in different ways and besides, this thread was about NBM Males, not Females. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:54:58 AM | | Funny thing about those who practice psychology without a license... their psychologizing is only ever used to pathologize the other person (or group); that is, positive motivations curiously never seem to be part of the repertoire. If it's not sins of commission, it's sins of omission. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:17:15 PM | Alison Armstrong teaches seminars about relationships... and about understanding men. I would recommend all women really look into her book "Keys To The Kingdom" -- men go thru stages. And the one that lasts the longest is their "building" stage. That is usually the time they are focused on building their work with an obsession. It is something they are programmed to do. That is when the wife is home alone with the kids all the time and she goes crazy trying to get him to spend more time at home. If you read Armstrongs works (and she has many about men and women) she is right on. And, she will help you understand how to get thru the different stages.
A lot of men marry while they are building and the woman doesn't know how to deal with it... and ultimately things fall apart. The good news is that SOME men understand they don't want to marry until they have finished building their "kingdom" and then they go looking for a partner, and wife. They want to share what they have created. They become the KING and are looking for a QUEEN. Yep, they are stubborn, and yep they are unbending, but they are loving and generous to a fault and they are READY to love and support a relationship. The woman that can understand a KING is lucky indeed and will be rewarded with love and much more. And, ladies, it is not about being a gold-digger... he will sniff that out a mile away. | |
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| Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:31:06 AM | Thanks, fellow Fishies, I will make sure my profile is clear about being never-married. Only once have I ever learned that a woman said of me, "If he's never been married, what's wrong with him?"
From childhood, I have always known that marriage was something I would never want to do to someone I loved and cared about. Born in 1953, I didn't have much by the way of positive role models for marriage - all the ones in my family and among the kids I knew were torture and disaster. Back then, before the sexual revolution and slightly more progress in the emancipation of women, marriage was a very explicit deal: pay for ****.
The man got secure access to sex, and the woman was promised financial support for herself and her kids. And a lot of abuse, probably. We all know how that turned out.
In dictionaries of the time - and well into the eighties - rape was defined as "forced sex with a woman OTHER THAN A MAN'S WIFE!" A woman's success in life was determined by her ability to land a man to support her. When rape laws started changing in the eighties and nineties, churches in the US went to court to defend marriage, openly arguing that women and chldren would never be able to get the support the needed (remember, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!) without the bribe of sex.
Laws have changed, and attitudes have changed, and marriages come and go as serial monogamy, but I still want my loved one to always be with me because she WANTS to be. And if not, I don't want her to become an unhappy caged animal. I've had relationships lasting as long as ten years, always exclusive, and have lived with some, too, but I still think marriage isn't something you do to someone you like.
(Unless you need a green card or have kids to raise, which gives them certain legal rights.)
Not that I often get to talking about marriage with women, in case anyone's getting ready to tell me that my conclusions on the matter are scaring them away... mind you, I've just told everyone in the pond! Oh-oh... NOW I'm screwed....
ED BEAR | |
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