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 jumbo shrimp
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 51
Single (never married at all) men over 45Page 3 of 30    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)
Because the joys far outweigh that pain and suffering. There is nothing like having children in the house, small people, and they are people if you look close enough, whose little hearts go along unbound by any serious concerns, except momentarily and then done and back to happy again, they make life a joy, they bring the greatest joy of all. And belonging there with your wife, using the term loosely, could be your girlfriend of many years, being with her and feeling that you share life, know each other inside and out, couldn't be happier. Being that husband and father are the utmost ways to love, the best uses of your heart, and so the rewards are contentment and joy, feeling that all is just right with the world, feeling lucky to be so lucky, it doesn't get any better. That's why people do it. It only costs you when it crashes, and so it's a lot like riding a motorcycle, where the ride is euphoric but the risk is greater than if you were just going for a stroll. I never set out to marry or to have children, but I fell in love and lived that way, raising kids, being monogamous, living as a family. I was surprised to have my preconceptions fall away. I was surprised how many times in different situations my heart was filled with joy and I would think, so this is why people do it, this is why they get married and raise families. The next time you drive by a soccer field as evening comes, and see the kids out there scampering, and the folding chairs along the side, parents and siblings watching the game, you're not seeing just some social event, it's actually paradise. That's what it looks like in this lifetime.
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 52
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:36:53 AM
I love this statement as well -

"Hearing a divorced person question the motives of one who never married is like hearing a convicted embezzler questioning the morals of a poor man who never stole."

There are as many reasons for never having married as there are pebbles on the shore grasshopper.

I am amazed that anyone would think less of a person for never having married.
I actually had a man I went out for breakfast with, tell me he normally never dates a woman who has never been married, as there has to be something wrong with her.

I have had plenty of reasons for not getting married - being shy, growing up in an alcoholic home, starting early menopause at 28 (never could figure how I would explain that to a man I dated), taking care of 2 elderly parents for 20 years while working a full time job in IT (which meant I was on the clock for 24/7).

I overcame the shyness (mostly lol), had counselling to deal with grwoing up with an alcoholic mother; I am too old to have men question me, as to whether I can have children or not, and my remaining parent had a full time caretaker. The only thing I have left to overcome it would seem, is the prejudice of people who see me as flawed because I have never married. Wait a minute - not a problem, I am pretty sure I would not want some one so narrowminded that does not judge people by their own merits, but judges them by a prejudicial concept of what is normal.

Judge people by who they are OP, and not what this or that fact might mean about them. I am too old to play guessing games about what people might mean by something they say on their profiles. I'd much rather have the chance to meet them in person, and discover exactly what kind of person they are for myself. It's much more fun that way
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 53
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/17/2007 12:34:12 PM
I find many men that put single down but get a feeling it may be different

Me too. Sometimes, a man states he's single but he's really separated. Sometimes, a man who states he's single has really been married and is "now" divorced. In some cases, more than once.
Why do they do this?
I wish they would state their current marital status ,for those of us, who are looking for our match.If I discover that a man has referred to himself as single and his status is otherwise, I tend to question what else he isn't telling me.
Muskoka
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 54
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/17/2007 4:56:05 PM
"current marital status"

Now that's good point!

tuka
 cdn_guy
Joined: 3/6/2007
Msg: 55
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:24:10 PM
Well, I've been married twice; once as a kid and am divorced from that for 30 years; the second time very short (less than a year ... in hindsight, a rather dumb thing to do) and am divorced from that for 20 years. As far as I'm concerned, I'm single, and that is why I put that in my profile. If anyone wishes to take 'issue' about this, that's kewl -- to each their own. I figure it's better that I find things like this out about people sooner, rather than later. Although, I'll admit, I've never had anyone mention anything about it when my two long-ago marriages have come up in early conversation. As to why people never marry, I suppose it's similar to why I never had my own children -- just a mixture of bad timing, wrong partners at the wrong times, things like that -- not a conscious decision, just something that never happened. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I don't. It's all good, really.

cdn guy
 longtimeloving
Joined: 8/4/2004
Msg: 56
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:16:28 PM
I have been single all my life, I Never married, I didn’t go looking for it and I didn’t avoid, it just never happened. Maybe cautious about repeating the same mistakes of divorced friends, I just think it is better to be happy alone than be with some one that that you can’t get along with forever. I think it is better to avoid the divorce and wait for the right one the first time. Married or single the first quest in life should be to be happy! to be happy together is just an added bonus?
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 57
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 7:44:54 AM
Long time. I just have to say that the pix of your dog in your profile is beautiful. What kind of dog is it? thank you for your reply!

Cnd guy, From many of your posts you come across as honest about your backgrd....I think that people who are open about the single status can use single....as many here have proven. It's when you get the gut feeling that single means hiding something!! That's what makes it bad for the truly "single" posters....

As for dating on POF,.........................................
I'm going to stick to forums only for friends. I checked all the people in a fifty miles radius of me.....85% drink more than 3 times a week...that is something I can't take.

HOW come all the good guys are in Canada????
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 58
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:14:32 AM
There is a legal definition of single which means never married.

There is an online definition of single which could mean anything. Hence, the need to say what single means when chatting with a new person.

I have been widowed for quite a few years. Prior to that marriage, I was divorced which now seems a life time ago. I really have to try hard to think back that far.

I guess I could put single, but why confuse people.

I think that some newly "single" people need to realize that some people who live a single lifestyle have been doing that out of choose for a long time. That doesn't mean we want to be "single" forever.

I guess the issue is to find out what the person means by "single", without it becoming a drama of stories.

I don't like people who press to have all the negative details about my widowhood. It should be enough to know that I have been over it for a long time.

Same thing should apply to "single" what ever the reason for that person being single.

Never married, because of career, or never met the right person and the right time should be all the necessary info anyone needs to know.

The action of that person today and who they are today, should be far more important than what was happening in their lives 20 years ago.
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 59
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:42:56 AM

If I discover that a man has referred to himself as single and his status is otherwise I tend to question what else he isn't telling me

I was not referring to people who state right up-front or in the initial conversations with me, that they were married years ago and now consider themselves single. I have spoken with quite a few people who consider themselves single now because they have been divorced or widowed a long time. And, these people have been forthright about it and I think this is a good thing.
I was referring to the people who have been married multiple times and fail to disclose this info.I tend to question what else he isn't telling me.....I was also referring to people newly separated or separated and not yet divorced. Stating they are single is not their current marital status For me, these are not gentlemen that I want to pursue a relationship with.
I hope this post and my opinion is a little clearer.
Muskoka
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:54:45 AM
Never married wouldn't have been my concern.

What would have? - a person who has never had anything but very short term relationships. Unless due to unavoidable circumstances (caring for family members for long periods of time etc.) they lacked the opportunity. And no doubt there are people in our age bracket who have never yet met someone they would choose to have a relationship with.

There are also people who are not emotionally capble of sustaining a relationship because they simply can't trust anyone very much, but I think most of us are capable.
 canyunflyer
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 61
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:11:21 AM
To me, "single" means.....[available]/ And, I mean... in the full sense of the word. I realalize many people abuse this word. (available). People love to represent themselves as such when they (for many reasons) couldn't be farther from that state. I'm not interested in 'technical' definitions. I'm interested in the nuts and bolts definitions that determine status.

As far as people being 'suspicious' of people who have reached middle age and never married. I think this is perfectly normal. Look, you people who have (for whatever reason) taken that route. (never married) I would suggest you get off your defensive battlewagons and just accept this simple fact. It is No reflection on your character, or your particular situation. It is just a plain and simple anticipated fact. Most people are going to be a little suspicious of those who have never married.

If you firmly believe that your situation is as a result of things that have nothing to do with you... then it should be a relatively easy thing for you to convay that to any prospective partner. No problem. Going around taking offense at people for exhibiting perferctly normal concerns is a precarious and exhausting position. It is a useless occupation. The truth is... if we are really confident in who we are and what we are..... we don't have to do this. I'll tell you who I am "really" suspicious of: People who exhibit overly strong defensive positions! thats who.
 cdn_guy
Joined: 3/6/2007
Msg: 62
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:28:29 AM
I think the best way out of these situations, where trust issues arise, where a doubt will surface that needs to be addressed, is the most direct approach -- "Ask."

Recently, I was talking with a very nice woman on-line and I was puzzled why, at nearly my age, she was still living at home with her parents. So I asked: "Please don't take this the wrong way, but would you mind if I asked why you live at home with your parents?" I explained that I was only asking because I found it kinda odd that she would not have her own place to live. Her reply was equally as polite and almost apologetic as she explained the failing health of her parents and her wish to be 'on hand' to help. I had a doubt. I asked the question politely and explained why I was asking. And the doubt (question?) was never allowed to trickle over into other areas where I might have wondered 'what else was she not telling me'. For if it ever felt like it was, I would again ask about those areas.

It all seems so simple to me. When in doubt, ask. And just because there are things about a person that you don't know, it doesn't necessarily mean that that person is trying to hide something from you. If you ask someone if they have ever been married (or anything else, for that matter) and they say 'no' and you find out later that they have been, ask them why they said 'no' originally. You never know ... they might just have a good reason. If they don't ... well then, only at that point might you need to look elsewhere. I have an 'ex' who's first husband ended up as a 3 times convicted felon and was about to be released on parole -- quite a nasty fellow. When I met this woman, she had a lot to hide, a lot to keep secret about her life. But it wasn't me that she was hiding things from, it was him and her fear of what would happen should he ever find her again. And this paranoia trickled into every aspect of her life and every initial communication with someone new. She and I are still best of friends to this day. And when she is not completely forthright about events in her past, I understand why.

cdn guy
 jumbo shrimp
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 63
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:35:53 AM
It seems simple to you only because you are a slacker when it comes to adding in your own prejudices and suspicions. By simply trying to learn and understand, you skirt the hard work of finding fault wherever you can whether there is any real basis for it. Yes, I am calling you lazy. The rest of us work hard to see spooks in the shadows. You with your lantern are getting off too easy, finding none there.
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:30:50 AM
Hmm, maybe Diogenese has reappeared

(legendary
figure said to have carried a lamp during the daytime, looking
for one honest man.)

but he was a Cynic.

 Thrush
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 65
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 11:03:37 AM
If that is what most women think when I say that I have never married or had children then I am not surprised any more at the lack of response on this site.

What does one say if they in fact have never married or had children?

Responsible maybe? I did not have some one in my life that I thought could or would go the distance. I did not want to be the visiting Dad. To bring a child up in these times is the most important thing that you will {ever } do in your life.

Why did you have children? Is it because it was the thing to do? Is it personal satifaction? Is it in the genes on the floor? Children are for life and we all hope that they out live us with a long and happy life. Any thing less is, or should be considered a crime.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 66
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 11:25:24 AM

Cnd guy, From many of your posts you come across as honest about your backgrd....I think that people who are open about the single status can use single....as many here have proven. It's when you get the gut feeling that single means hiding something!! That's what makes it bad for the truly "single" posters....


While I agree that Cgn_guy comes across as very h9onest, I don't agree with the 'dsingle' designation...as to me single means never married; and if someone I'm interested in has been married before, and more than once, I'd like to know that upfront. Perhaps POF can make a selection for Single-Never Married and Single-Divorced? That way there would be no issues arising from what one might see as a lack by omission.
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 67
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 11:52:24 AM
That's a great suggestion, prolibertate.
 acquirius
Joined: 3/23/2007
Msg: 68
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 1:09:53 PM
I have never married therefore I see myself as single. I did have a long term relationship but never married. That's just my view but I think it is honest, honest in the sense that I have never been married.
 GirlWarrior
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 69
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 1:25:57 PM

Never married wouldn't have been my concern.

What would have? - a person who has never had anything but very short term relationships. Unless due to unavoidable circumstances (caring for family members for long periods of time etc.) they lacked the opportunity. And no doubt there are people in our age bracket who have never yet met someone they would choose to have a relationship with.

There are also people who are not emotionally capble of sustaining a relationship because they simply can't trust anyone very much, but I think most of us are capable.


People who reach the age of 40 and haven't had a long term, serious relationship (married, living together, dating exclusively) should raise your eyebrows. It's a big, red neon sign for a lot of mental disorders.

Remaining unmarried could be due to a lot of different issues -- the other person didn't want to get married, cultural problems, even legal questions. It's the lack of relationships which is the sign that should cause concern.
 singleguy64
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 70
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 4:53:15 PM

(I waited until I was 31 to marry hoping to be mature and find the right man.)


Sooo, we're waiting in suspense here... you waited until 31 "hoping" to be mature and find the right man... so were you mature, and did you find the right man?

(although, hmm, you are on a dating site).
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 71
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 5:47:44 PM
"As far as people being 'suspicious' of people who have reached middle age and never married. I think this is perfectly normal. Look, you people who have (for whatever reason) taken that route. (never married) I would suggest you get off your defensive battlewagons and just accept this simple fact. It is No reflection on your character, or your particular situation. It is just a plain and simple anticipated fact. Most people are going to be a little suspicious of those who have never married. "

There is a quite difference from being suspicious about people who have never married, to not having anything to do with them because you judge them flawed in some way. I will retain my right to get on my "highhorse" about this, and I find this kind of bias to be totally without merit, just as much as racism and sexism is.
There is only one loser in this scenario and it is the person, male or female, who because of their bias lose th eopportunity of meeting some really nice people.

Suspicion is one thing - discrimination is another. Just my humble opinion.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 72
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 7:16:05 PM
People who reach the age of 40 and haven't had a long term, serious relationship (married, living together, dating exclusively) should raise your eyebrows. It's a big, red neon sign for a lot of mental disorders.


I thought I would sign in from the psychiatric hospital and give a further opinion on this topic. The reason I'm in the psychiatric hospital is because I am single and therefore, according to the above referenced poster, I seem to have "a lot of mental disorders" because because I am single. Actually, I was fortunate enough to see the red neon sign myself and check myself into the psychiatric hospital therefore saving society from my mental disorder of deciding to remain single! Do I get extra brownie points for realizing my harm to society?

Thank heavens I saved so many of society from getting to know me and my mental disorders and put myself into a secure facility all because I chose never to marry. Gosh, it must be so hard on a person to be perfect and in a position to be able to judge people who don't fit society's so-called norm. Heaven help all the redneck thinkers out there!!!

Tink
 drg1301
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 73
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 7:23:57 PM
I would be far more supicious of someone who has been divorced 2 or 3 times.

It would seem to me that they jump the gun a lot. Or as soon as the road gets a little rocky they quit.
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 74
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:02:37 PM
I know this thread is about 'over 45 singles (never been married at all)', but truthfully, I think there is a general reservation about divorced people, too. I'm sure most of us wonder how much baggage the divorced person is carrying with them around the breakup. I also think some people have reservations about dating widows, wondering how they can possibly step into the shoes of a spouse who was greatly loved. So, the fact that some red flags go up when consider single status isn't unfairly selective. It's just one more minefield to negotiate with middle-aged dating.

Hopefully none of us let the fear of worst case scenarios stop us from giving a person an honest chance. It's hard enough to find someone you are compatible with at this age, let alone passing on candidates because of what might have been.
 singleguy64
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 75
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:21:08 PM
^ I guess Ooli_oop, we can just take the above comment slightly out of context:

"As far as people being 'suspicious' of people..."

Yeah, people are suspicious of how much "baggage" the divorced person has, and suspicious of people that haven't been married... and hey, we should be suspicious of our priests around kids, right? And maybe we should be suspicious about the wino on the corner, I'll bet he's really a millionaire just trying to put one over on us!!
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