| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/21/2007 6:48:05 PM | While I do agree that it was rude of him of ask, I think that you are expecting way too much. How do you jump from a few emails to knowing whether or not he will still be attracted to you after you have given birth to children? I could understand being concerned about him having any issues regarding your weight if you were dating and he was constantly nagging you about it.
He most likely wanted to know if you were just as you described. It's just that he could have asked in a more tactful manner. The choices you have on POF to accurately describe your body type are limited. For example, I'm 5'9". I am neither thin, a few extra pounds, or BBW. I chose average.
And to be fair, there are people who do lie about their attributes. He just wanted to be sure.
By the way, I easily bypass such questions by never stepping on a scale. I have no idea what I weigh and I don't care. So I usually answer that I don't know. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/22/2007 6:22:39 AM | I see nothing wrong with a guy asking your weight before meeting you... after all if a person is too heavy .... you may not want to meet them. You have to understand many people use online dating sites posting FUZZY or OLD pictures... that is a sure sign they are fugly or fat. In online dating there is the online part... where you are assesssing if you want to meet someone and then the face to face part... and if it can at all be avoided to get into a uncomfortable situation, it should be... and why people ask weight, age and other things.
Me.. I ask about weight, age, drug use and mental illness as I have no desire to meet someone and then find out, only to have to figure out a way to say NO THANKS.... even then, some people lie...
which makes you want to diss them when you meet them. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/22/2007 7:20:55 PM |
hunt4becca: I am an attractive person with an average build. I'm a size 8 dress size. My arguement is that I am looking for the father of my children. I would like to know that I will still have an active sex life during and after birth (I'm concerned that he become unattracted until my body retracted). I want to be loved for my mind and spirit and not viewed as simply a sex object.
He also went on to explain to me that the internet is about instant gratification and that prior social etiquette does not always weigh in the same way. I feel a little bit torn. Was I wrong for being offended? And where do we draw the social line?
Becca, I've been doing this for 15 months & my best advice is simple..... don't ever renegotiate who you are. If you find that behavior rude in person then it's just as rude online. Know who you are & don't waiver. If they can't accept it then that's your red flags. Don't even question yourself.
I'm always leary about anyone who is superficial so anyone who asked me how much I weighed would get the boot. Conversation over. It's offensive. I've heard every argument in the book about it 'because it's the net' & 'well I've been lied to in the past' etc & I simply do not care. Just as I am not their ex, I am not the one who was dishonest with them.
So don't change who you are. Don't allow the internet dating to redefine how you conduct yourself or what you expect in ways of being treated. You're perfect, just the way you are.  | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/23/2007 9:13:33 AM | Becca, something else to keep in mind: the fellows who ask this question would be offended if you lobbed the same rudeness back on them by asking "How much money do you make?".
Both questions are a red light that you are dealing with inferior material and it's time to ignore & move on. But it's odd how many guys think that asking a lady this right off the bat is appropriate but can't brave the glare of an equally critical eye being cast their way. I wonder why they might suppose that women should have more courage & be more of a man about it than they can manage muster up themselves. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/25/2007 3:01:46 AM | If someone asked me a personal question on a first date, I would feel obliged to tell them that now is not the time.
However, I now understand that I would have to tell them when and under what circumstances I would be prepared to answer the question, because it is unfair to say later, and not give them a clear indication of when their question is likely to be answered. To do so would be playing mind games with them, and that means that you should tell the person to stop playing games or it is over.
In short, you had a right to be a little bit indignant in the email, if you felt he was being cheeky. But you had a responsibility to tell him when you would answer the question.
It was definitely not acceptable to just cut the communication.
I had this happen to me a few days ago. My first IM. We got talking and I mentioned something about my past. She asked why I was in that situation. I explained briefly, but she kept asking, then abruptly left the IM. I felt like I had offended her, so I wrote her a lengthly email explaining the full situation. She emailed me back, explaining she got the wrong end of the stick, but when I read the email, she had already closed her account.
I get the feeling some women get upset when they get asked/told something they consider inappropriate and feel it is an excuse to cut contact.
If you had responded in a later email that you were a size 14, and he stopped returning your emails, how would you feel? Like dirt, that's what!
Next time, the best thing to do would be to answer the question immediately or tell him when you will answer the question. Then you will have laid the ground rules and neither of you will get the hump.
P.S. I am more turned on my intellect, much more so than looks. When is it acceptable to try a deep and meaningful conversation? The 1st, 2nd 3rd email? | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/25/2007 6:51:57 AM |
If someone asked me a personal question on a first date, I would feel obliged to tell them that now is not the time.
Would that be any personal question asked of you on a first date? Would that be after chatting on line for a while? You are kidding, right?
In short, you had a right to be a little bit indignant in the email, if you felt he was being cheeky. But you had a responsibility to tell him when you would answer the question.
Now you really must be kidding. A responsibility? To answer a question like that? There are many questions asked on line and in person that don't merit an answer. I don't answer that question myself because quite frankly - not his or anyone else's business. There is more to a person than a number that would cause someone to decide whether or not you might be a waste of their time. So, hell no. You don't have to answer that at all. Sheesh. What is the world of on line dating coming to????? | |
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 34 | |
| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/25/2007 9:03:45 AM |
I think that there are some things that you would never say to someone in person but would have the nads to say over the net.
They are two diffrent environments, so you'll have two diffrent comfort levels.
It's quite easy to say a lot of things when hiding behind a keyboard, that you wouldn't say to someone's face. The forums are a good example of that ! | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 5/20/2008 12:59:31 AM | It all comes down to in the end will there be any spark, or attraction.
Will you hit it off or not, are you a compatible match.
Realistically chemistry goes off many factors.
What I find funny is the not only lady's but men, saying looking for an honest real relationship. Then having prefer not to say, for children drugs and here and there.
Really prefer not to say, people will read as yes anyways.
Then say well people from work may see, wake up there reading it as yes anyways lol.
Heard that one..........
That or your not ready to be honest with the question.
But if looking for this honesty, then why not start by giving it.
Hmmmmm just a thought.
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 5/20/2008 1:44:40 AM | Then again being a Smoker, find road blocks as well.
Some people wont mind, some will and have emails from smokers turned off.
Could you say thats shallow as well ????
In the end, your not going to change how they feel about it.
And you go on, and find that match......
A wise man said: I'd rather have someone disagree with me and be honest, than agree with me and be dishonest.
Theres plenty of fish in the Sea, hmm fitting.........
Cheers.......
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:14:15 PM | | Maybe he shouldn't have directly asked how much she weighs. But he could asked for her body type. When you meet someone, you automatically know what their body type is just by looking at them. Many people aren't attracted to certain body types. I don't think asking her for her age is rude either. Many people wouldn't want to date someone who is either much older or younger than they are. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:20:58 PM |
All I know is that if I asked a woman how much she weighs or how old she was, my grandmother would rise from the dead and bop me on the head with a shoe.
Haha..too funny! Made me reminisce about the days when I would be whapped with a pink fuzzy slipper for behaving inappropriately. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:55:31 AM | "Online Dating Etiquette" is an oxymoron. General rules of courtesy and respect seem to not apply in cyberspace. It's not, overall, a polite society.
That's not to say, of course, that that all those who log on check their manners at the portal. You just may need to weed out the rude or uncivilized!
Just recently I was chatting with a man who asked if we could talk on Messenger b/c he was also playing poker and it's "too distracting" to do both on POF. Hahaha. Can you imagine sitting in Barnes and Noble with someone you're interested in dating, having coffee and chatting while he simultaneously played Grand Theft Auto on his Blackberry?
IMO, that's not expected until you're married. 
Melissa | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:48:45 AM |
He also went on to explain to me that the internet is about instant gratification and that prior social etiquette does not always weigh in the same way. I feel a little bit torn. Was I wrong for being offended? And where do we draw the social line?
For some that's true. For others it isn't. No one can say you were wrong for being offended. What you find offensive and what another will find offensive will be different.
I have absolutely no issue with someone asking age and/or weight. On line you can't see the person. You only have the words. In person there would be no need to ask. Personally, I've never understood why it's offensive to ask these questions. Age, weight, money, etc. I suppose if someone has an malicious ulterior motive? Otherwise, if I'm curious then I'll ask and figure it's the same for others. If the idea is you have interacted with someone that you are attracted to in some way, shape or form and want to get to know them.. then why wouldn't you put it all out there and see if the 'who' you both are actually mesh?
You draw the social line where you are comfortable drawing it. I don't have a lot of lines or boundaries when it comes to getting to know another person. As such, my options are limitless and that's the line I like to straddle. You draw too many lines in the sand and it will limit your options. That isn't necessarily a bad thing as it can go to the quantity vs. quality aspect of dating.
Bottom line, do what you are comfortable with. The rest of us will do the same. Hopefully we will all find those that we can be comfortable and happy with. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:24:48 AM |
On the internet, questions about weight are perfectly acceptable. From a male perspective, it's the number one thing that women lie about, attempt to avoid, take pictures at strange angles to hide, and throw a fit over when confronted about. If he's a quality guy who has options, he probably doesn't want to wast time talking with girls he wouldn't be physically attracted to. It isn't about where "we" draw the line, it's about where "he" draws the line. He doesn't owe you anything, and apparently you don't meet his standards.
I do agree there are tons of people who misrepresent their body type in their profiles - but I don't necessarily see how asking a woman her weight is going to give a guy much info if his concern is that she might be 'fat'.............she could just as easily lie about her weight. What's he going to do, bring some bathroom scales to their first meeting and have her verify?
The number doesn't always accurate reflect a person's body type either. You could have 2 women the same size and height but one is athletic and toned and a much lower % of body fat than the other...........so then what does the "number" tell you?
That being said, I totally believe that a person should be willing to provide fairly recent/accurate full length pics (if not comfortable in their profile, then privately). How difficult is it, really, to have a friend or someone take a full length pic? Not hard at all. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 6/4/2008 3:07:39 AM |
I was taken aback that someone I found intellectually stimulating could make such a social blunder and stopped contacting him.
If that is all it took to end that, then I can't imagine anyone ever meeting your criteria for dating. His tack was missing to ask outright about your weight, but frankly many people lie about their size and it is a big deal to most. This fantasy world that some live in where physical appearance doesn't matter is just that, a fantasy world. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:26:30 AM | Can't say as I would be too happy about being asked how much I weigh, best kept a deep dark secret  , so best to put a full body shot on profile, that way no one gets upset and the gents can then make their own mind up. Physical appearance is important no matter what you say. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:05:23 AM | The OP wrote:
He explained to me that in the past he had wasted a lot of time with several girls only to find out that he was not attracted to them because of their weight. And in all fairness, I only have head shots on the net. Body shots invite the predatory type. I think simply being on a dating site invites the predatory type. I have even had a couple of people be overly aggressive about being "the one" for me, and I doubt it was because of my body shot! I see now that you've added one to your profile. Perhaps all the time spent on intellectual banter with the fellow in question would not have been wasted for either of you, had he just seen that body shot. He would have passed you by silently, no contact, no harm no foul.
It's the same for any of our insecurities. If I had a picture of me only wearing a baseball cap, you won't see my hairline. But that's not being honest, and there's no point sending a dishonest signal from the start. Would I think it rude of someone to ask me if I was bald if all my photos were of me wearing a hat? Maybe... The women asking might think it's rude not to reveal all the details in a photo, too.
Have faith that some people will like how you look. Nobody's perfect.
My arguement is that I am looking for the father of my children. I would like to know that I will still have an active sex life during and after birth (I'm concerned that he become unattracted until my body retracted). I want to be loved for my mind and spirit and not viewed as simply a sex object. Well, like I say in my profile, common physical attraction should not be denied in a relationship. We are visual creatures and that plays a part in our feelings for the other person. It should not only be about that. But I think we're being too idealistic to think someone will only like us for our intellect or sense of humor. There has to be enough physical attraction to want to be intimate with the other person, without having to turn the lights out all the way or put on beer goggles.
Couple of other points along the lines of what you said:
I read somewhere that when women get pregnant, their lips get redder, their face brighter, etc. Some scientists postulate that this is to make the woman more attractive during her pregnancy. As a man, I will vouch for that theory, as I have seen some very pregnant women who I found very attractive!
I think "weight" as a number is also an indicator of other aspects of a person's life - self esteem and physical/emotional health. As a matter of fact, I visually prefer women with curves over women who may be athletic and have a masculine-looking body. However, in a couple of past relationships with "curvy" women, I found that their physical stature made it harder for us to enjoy physical activities together (hiking, skiing, snorkeling, biking, etc.). Since you mentioned the "father of your children" criterion, I'd say that I would want the "mother of my children" to have a long life because she was NOT overweight or inactive. Of course she should be smart, kind hearted, etc. We're shooting for an acceptable package.
To sum up: putting photos that describe adequately your physique (which you have now done) will avoid people asking embarrassing questions you might consider rude. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:48:04 AM | I am totally confused...was it his simple question of your weight that got you all pouty. Or if he asked you for a dress size or a full body picture you would have been happier with? I am just guessing but you sound very hard to please. The guy wanted to know if you were FAT! So he asked it the wrong way and you lost ALL interest? I am a girl and I dont get you women!
From your picture I would guess you are a 18 not an 8. Maybe he wanted some clarification. I prefer a direct man. Whats his email? | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:23:49 PM | I doubt he wanted the exact weight in pounds, only a good idea of what type you are. 500 is a 'few pounds over', if your definition of 'few' is similar of Bill Clinton's definition of 'is'. And photos can be manipulated easily. Some women are accurate in the category, some are shamelessly exunderaggerating.
Yes, you can line up four women at 500 pounds and they may have different shapes, but I am sure that gentleman does not care. He probably just wants an estimate whether he can still breathe with the woman on top.
You are right, women don't ask about money. They rattle off a list of a 'house by the lake', how they like diamond rings and which BMW they fancy - then they estimate your heart rate caused by stress. They don't care whether you have money since only personality matters, they just deserve a few tokens of appreciation (like the aforementioned).
Get real, if I could be starving on the teeter-totter with just my partner on the other side, I am not interested. Am I shallow? Shall we change the topic to "does size matter" and see who is shallow? It's a preference like anything else, and certainly more important than your favorite color. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:49:36 PM | Ideally, I think all questions should be able to be asked early or anytime. It is an impediment to understanding oneself and others to be overly sensitive. The questions one asks is perhaps even better than the statements we make of showing the depth of our thought and our true priorities. If he allows your questions to roam anywhere, cherish the opportunity that provides. And, the best way to catch someone dishonest with themselves or others is to let them keep talking.
As per the quote: "He also went on to explain to me that the internet is about instant gratification. " This philosophy implies that is why he is on the net himself. Run, nay sprint, in the opposite direction. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:11:07 PM | | Usually when I am asked that i tell them I am 3 ft tall and about 580 lbs. Then I tell them how sexy I look and do they still want to be with me...lol Then I delete them. Its there loss! I think its just rude to ask that. If they ask in a different way fine, but that way is rude and I have no time to be bothered with ***holes! | |
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