| | What causes clinginess in a relationshipPage 3 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | merf720, just to look at a few words fron the definition you posted....
'To hold fast \ adhere to ' and what is wrong with holding on fast to the love of your life, to the dreams and passions you desire.
'embracing, or entwining' dont you like to embrace and entwine youself with your partner? become lost in their eyes and feel like your floating on a cloud when your with them. | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/20/2007 8:47:15 PM | ole time, of course i do -- the implication of the definition is the idea of being attached at the hip, it isn't about sex or embracing or being affectionate -- it means being GLUED to the person.
i think anyone who doesn't recognize the need for space and the need NOT to smother each other needs to really think about that... it is one of the fastest ways to ruin a good thing. perhaps by being too clingy, and not being open to understanding the need to have your own identity and your own space, this has caused problems in relationships in the past?
if you smother the person and don't give them the space they need, if you expect to be together every waking minute of every day, girls if you don't let your guy go out with his friends without you, guys if you don't let your girl go out with her friends without you? you will ruin the thing. it is a real problem.
the thing is -- smothering the person? calling them constantly? never letting them out of your sight? clinging to them as if for dear life? not being able to function or have fun without them? these things are not intimacy or signs of love -- they are signs of something else entirely, they mean there is some insecurity or some emptiness inside the clingy one that really needs to be addressed.
and, i mean, it goes without saying that you need to spend ENOUGH time together, i'd be very unhappy if the guy i'm with didn't wanna spend enough time with me -- but, i am sorry, it just isn't mature to smother your partner and not give them the space and time they need to be happy. | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/20/2007 8:50:55 PM | in some ways i do agree with you murf,
but what if neither party goes out with the boys \ girls ?
if both are as clingy as each other there wouldnt be any probs, (or so i would think) | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2007 5:29:54 AM | When two people are in a relationship, one is usually more dominant then the other. I feel some woman like dominant males that are in control of the relationship or vice versa. It usually seems to be the case here that one person will be more clingy because the other has more power over the relationship. Clinginess is not healthy because you are counting on the other person to give you affection or controlling the relationship in general. Its sad but its true and its out there in relationships. A person cannot make you happy totally! Look into yourself and see why you tend to look into dominant relationships . Its never to late to better yourself! Self control! Dont be needy your worth more then that! I am not a clingy person, never was! I show affection at the appropriate moments ( love giving hugs and kisses)  | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2007 5:59:09 AM | Ron9..
I would have to say what a honest and thoughtful reply you have given.....and thank you for sharing your life with us...
I would have to agree with you....give the insecure person a bit of love and attention and they will calm down.....I know Im one of them...haha....
Thank you from Jadore ...down under.... | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2007 11:03:25 AM |
Msg: 50 -- I think experiencing the perception of "clinginess" in itself indicates a mismatch.
No one has ever come right out and accused me of being clingy, but I think if an "SO" of mine ever did I think I would end the relationship as soon as she spit the words out of her mouth. By uttering those words she would indicate to me that she has neither the desire or the ability to give me what I need. | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2007 11:08:27 AM | OP Xtremely good puzzy,
Can be responsible 4 this phenomenon. Either that or static cling. The former iz wonderful. And the latter sucksazz. :D | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2007 2:22:10 PM | | I am thinking its because they are not getting what they need in the relationship....possibly a mismatch....otherwise they would not be seeking more attention or whatever.... | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:23:54 PM | on topic anecdote: tonight i took a cab home from school, looooooong day -- all i wanted was peace and quiet... so when i get in the cab the driver asks me where and then wants to know if i speak spanish. so we have this humorous brief exchange about how much spanish i've actually forgotten since high school   and then he proceeds to continue the call he'd been on since before i got in the cab. i realized a few minutes later that the reason he wanted to know about my spanish knowledge was because he was having a knock down drag out fight with his girlfriend ... on speaker phone.
yea, i was not happy...
so time passes and when it gets so bad 15 minutes later or so that i can hear this guy OVER van morrison on my head phones, i finally had had it, and so i said, you know something, could you continue that conversation after you drop me off please? i mean this guy was yelling loudly and she was yelling loudly back and it was just awful. i am not a fighter type and i cannot stand yelling and you know, knock down drag out type stuff and it was really stressing me out...
so then he gets off and tells me what i had suspected they were talking about: he drives a cab and if she calls him during the day, she expects a call within 5 minutes or he's 'in trouble.' and if she texts him during the day when he's driving? she expects a text back right away. because he had not answered the ph0ne when she called him several times that day she decided he was 'with someone.'
and here's the worst part, if he doesn't call her during the day every day, she flips out.
i told him, why oh why do you put up with this kind of person? how can you live with that? i mean it's not as if she is his nine months pregnant wife who could pop any minute, she is his GF and they haven't been going out that long. but why would anyone think this is a good way to relate to your lover? i just don't get it. it is one thing to get worried if more time passes than is typical between phone calls, but to set these kinds of rules and limits and these threats?! sheesh.
oh my! speaking of clingy, that kind of thing would drive me nutso very fast.
ciao all!  | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/24/2007 3:50:08 PM | Ron9
I really appreciate ur openness regarding ur ex wife, and I hope you have happily moved on.
Hey! I bet the woman who raised me "trumps" ur ex wife & mom-in-law, when it comes 2 "Ice Queens",lol ( some of us repeat the cycle of how our parents treated us, I chose not 2) I'm a very affectionate person/parent, but when it comes 2 dating or being in a relationship, and u hear that "why can't I be w/you all the time" question, it's a huge turn-off 2 me. | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/24/2007 6:21:46 PM |
I am thinking its because they are not getting what they need in the relationship....possibly a mismatch....otherwise they would not be seeking more attention or whatever....
Emphasis on the word need...if some changed that to "want" they'd maybe be able to take some normal space within a relationship. You have to want to grow and allow someone else to within the relationship, not resent you for holding them back...
Definite insecurity. | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/24/2007 6:27:13 PM |
Only every couple of days? I would need some physical contact daily. If that weren't possible I would have to find someone else who valued a relationship better than that.
Well, people get busy... and if you live far away, you have to be able to trust someone enough to let them have their freedom and live their life they way they choose. I didn't say I wouldn't absolutely relish the idea of daily attention... I am just saying that I don't want to be the ball-and-chain kind of person. As a matter of fact, I value relationships quite alot. Every couple of days or so isn't too much to ask. But any longer and the wheels start spinning and I do wonder what is going on. (Like, has some awful thing happened to them?) That sort of thing.
But I value giving someone their personal freedom and respect it at least.  | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/24/2007 6:37:40 PM |
If they would learn to just hold something and not squeeze so tight, they might realize that those things will remain in tact longer.
Relationship Advice meets Classic Rock 101 -
Hold on loosely
but don't let go
if you cling too tightly
you're gonna lose it
you're gonna
lose control ~ | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/24/2007 6:46:36 PM | They say that there is a chemical released after sex that makes a person ...attatch..perhaps that is it...You just have to learn to controll that feeling..  | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/24/2007 6:47:51 PM | Messsages must be longer than 200 characters. So , read any good books lately? Seen any good flicks? THE NUMBER ONE cause of clinginess is IN-SE-CUR-I-TY!!!!!!
"IN-SE-CUR-I-TY!!!!! I GOT ALL MY WORRIES 'BOUT ME!" (sung to the tune of "We are Family - I got all my Sisters and Me")
Now more on to more weighty issues: Anyone got a great recipe for whatever?
(Geez, I hope my math is okay.) Is this more than 200 characters????????
Cheers!
WD | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 4/24/2007 7:20:27 PM | right dogwood, Hold on loosely / but don't let go, exactly how i feel... :-)
you have to have a bond, you have to have true intimacy. but you cannot have 'colonization', entire rulebooks or overcontrol by either person. if you're too far apart you lose that lovely sexy indescribable magic but if you are too close you can snuff it out like a candle snuffer -- poof! people need to breathe, and they need to miss each other, it is good to miss each other a wee bit now and then...
...it strikes me in thinking about all this all the assumptions we come to relationships with, many of which are never spoken aloud and many of which are based on past experience. you know, eg., 'with my last BF we talked every day twice to i have this expectation of the new BF that we talk every day twice and i flip when that doesn't happen and then make excuses for myself' etc etc etc...
if only people would talk things thru and respect, truly respect, the other person, it would all be so much easier...
clingy or no, people have needs and they have desires and they have ... allergies and loving a person is about being aware and respectful and sensitive about these things, right?
can i get a witness?   | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 2/1/2011 6:03:13 PM | I Think this is said very well. I am going to use this as favorite quotes on some of my social networks. Thx
"If you have one that you consider clingy/needy and you care for them. Talk to them - tell them they can be assured you care for them - show them that you care for them sometimes and it should cause them to calm down some." | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 2/1/2011 6:26:48 PM | Here's the thing (I didn't read every single prior post) but clingy people don't acknowledge or even know they're clingy. Get them to admit it, that's worth a streak and lobster dinner.
Many people are abysmally self-UNaware. Many are, many think that everyone else in the whole wide world thinks and acts the same as they do, because that's all they know. To them it's "normal". It's not that they haven't been exposed to concepts like dependency or co-dependency, it just isn't THEM. IOW, they're not receptive.
It's like bouncing a rubber ball off a brick wall, it makes no impact.
Or, even if they're aware, they don't know how to exist in any other type of relationship. It's just best that someone else, when they come across it, keep their feet on the ground and moving on. Of course they "love you", they love anyone who'd pay any attention, and then they're like velcro, hard to get away from.
Co-dependents only have somewhat successful relationships with other co-dependents, so if you're not one, it's best to RUN LIKE HELL!  | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 2/1/2011 6:52:22 PM | "the more they try to show affection... the more they show affection.... the more we see them as being clingy!!!!!
could this be called the catch 22 of love???"
If that's your experience with the people you've known, that is NOT representative of the majority of any group or gender.
When people continue to have the same type of experiences, then the common denomiantor is you, not them. I've also been in that situation, and the first thing I did was to do some introspection to find out what vibe I was giving off to attract people that I didn't WANT to attract.
It still happens, but because I'm more aware, I don't let them waste any more of my resources....IE time and attention. | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 2/1/2011 8:02:15 PM | | Like some of the posters were saying, I think clinginess comes in many forms. The first form at the start of a relationship when you both want to spend all your time together I believe that is healthy to a level as long as it is mutual, if one partner is more then the other then that is usually a bad sign. But to be clingy and need that persons attenion all the time and have to be touching them and calling them every waking second. There is something called boundries even in a marriage. Time apart is just as healthy as time together. It gets bad when jealousy issues play in part and when a female job recruiter calls my phone and she answers it yelling at them and costing me to lose an opportunity it is beyond bad and the point where she had to go. On the same token she was always bugging me to get a better job which I was diligently trying. And then when I did finely get a job it was midnights and she intentionally unplugged the alarm clock so I got fired. That is clingy and is uncalled for. | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 2/1/2011 11:23:21 PM | Clingyness only rears its ugly head when both people are not equally "into" each other.
Its not just when the relationship is ending in the mind of one person...
Its just when one person wants more and the other wants less and the one that wants more attempts to grab for more rope in an attempt to ""save"" themselves so to speak.
Noone is clingly when two people are equally into each other.
One person maybe more affectionate than the other- but the other person doesn't seem to mind.... | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2011 1:20:25 AM | First of all, "clingy" is one of our group of a dozen or favorite "relationship related" words we use to categorize each other, and people use it for a slight variation of behaviors. I restrict it myself, to people who literally "cling:" that is, when you come into contact with them, they stick to you like an old-style sheet of plastic wrap, and you can't shake them off, though you have a strong urge to do so. It's an interactive behavior, more than it is a characteristic. It CAN be due to insecurity, but it can also be due to someone having been trained by their past to act that way, by another clingy person.
In any case, the real problem with it, and what makes it so undesirable, is that it is VERY one-sided. The clingy person DOES appear to be unaware of how clingy they are, because the clinging isn't a RESPONSE to their partner at all, it's a series of acts of selfishness by THEM. They may literally hold onto one of your appendages constantly while in your presence, like a parent who thinks they have to physically grasp a child to keep from losing track of them; or they might be more metaphorically clingy, demanding constant updates on where you are and what you are doing, thinking. A "busy-body" is a clingy person who ISN'T sleeping with you, or desirous of sleeping with you. They are selfish in the same way as what we call a "clingy" lover. They do it because they think it's the correct way to behave in general, and that's why they get panicky when they are rebuffed, and appear to be so insecure. They aren't necessarily ACTUALLY insecure, so much as their world-view IS that behaving that way is "correct and normal," and so when someone pushes them away for it, they think the person pushing is behaving unusually negatively to them. You can't talk them into the clinginess itself being the problem, because they are SO sure that that is right and normal, that they go right past it, and are sure that you have some OTHER reason for pushing them away, that you are unwilling or unable to explain; thus they get even MORE clingy when you reject them.
So maybe "clingyness" is a sort of obsessive-compulsive disorder, like an addiction to doing things a certain way, or to "collecting" people as though they are trading cards, or rock-star or movie trivia. Maybe people aren't clingy because they are insecure, but they are insecure because they are clingy; they are convinced that THEY aren't out of kilter, and are freaked out and behave insecurely because people reject their clinginess. | |
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| What causes clinginess in a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2011 3:04:08 AM |
First of all, "clingy" is one of our group of a dozen or favorite "relationship related" words we use to categorize each other, and people use it for a slight variation of behaviors. I restrict it myself, to people who literally "cling:" that is, when you come into contact with them, they stick to you like an old-style sheet of plastic wrap, and you can't shake them off, though you have a strong urge to do so. It's an interactive behavior, more than it is a characteristic. It CAN be due to insecurity, but it can also be due to someone having been trained by their past to act that way, by another clingy person.
In any case, the real problem with it, and what makes it so undesirable, is that it is VERY one-sided. The clingy person DOES appear to be unaware of how clingy they are, because the clinging isn't a RESPONSE to their partner at all
^^^^^^^^^^Agree with most of that..
I don't know how you would train someone that's secure to be clingy..but I suppose it's possible.
I think clingy people should get with people who need to be ego stroked 24/7.
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