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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/24/2007 4:46:45 PM | | At least some people are honest enough to hide their cheating immoral ways or at least come clean, that yeah, they were getting some bang for the buck. What freaks me out is the weirdos who say you cant help you have a relationship with....hmmmm where's Fido and his teen queen blonde owner? I just can't help it, its fate, nothing to do with normality or psychology. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:26:31 AM | | I just want to say from a mothers perspective that the first priority in a woman's life should be her children and while she may think that she is doing the best thing by staying children know when their parents don't love each other. I did when I was growing up and I am much happier now that i know my mother is in a realtionship where she is happy and loved. For all of your sakes I hope she ends the marriage and gives your relationship a shot. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/27/2007 2:03:44 PM | | Thank you for your post "BarelyHopeful", but she doesn't seem to see it quite that way as of yet. I've discussed this very thing with her before, and she doesn't believe that the kids are aware that it is an unhappy marriage. I agree with you. Kids are very perceptive, even at the ages of 8 and 10, they can realize the vibe between their parents. Once the kids see how much we really care for one another, I think they would accept it and be happy for their mom. She's not willing to do anything that will disrupt their lives right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore. She claims that I am the love of her life, soulmate, etc. etc., but she doesn't seem willing to make any sacrifices, or take any kind of risks to be with me. I hate ultimatums, but it just may come down to that. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/27/2007 2:18:52 PM | You hate ultimatums, but it just may come down to that? Umm, I think someone is in for BIG DISAPPOINTMENT, that someone has been warned about for 3 pages of replies now. And no, I dont think most kids know what adults are really doing most of the time. When I was 7, I had no clue my parents were having difficulties, UNTIL THEY GOT DIVORCED. boy, there's a shock most kids don't see coming.
It might be wise not to look for the one or two people who agree with OP, but the 90%+ of other posters who are telling you to give up on this, be a man and form a real relationships with a single woman. Then when you are a stud in 10 years, you can fool around and be a cheater who knows what he is doing like the married pro's on here. | |
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| To all of you in a similar situation...
Posted: 4/27/2007 6:03:05 PM | #1 i pray you never have to experience this kind of pain yes it is wrong for many reasons, yes i have thought about "the wife" i did not know he was even married until after ,well after i fell in love ,i wish beyond anything my heart did not hurt so much that i could just forget how alive he makes me feel yes i am a horrible worthless "other woman" I AM SORRY
" | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/28/2007 3:50:28 PM | Well I was recovering from a broken heart from a disappointing 3 month relationship with a guy I met from here who just USED me & taken me forgranted---- so for 4 weeks of havent seeing him - A friend from work recommended me to meet new ppl and date again which I did.
I met someone and I thought we had a connection but Apparently I was Mistaken because the fact that we are not looking for the same thing as we thought we were.
Now I have deeper feelings for him and currently MENDING MY HEART because of it. I havent slept yet despite I worked last night from working GRAVEYARDS =
I disregard what i needed to do right now--- I am not up for do anything I unplugged my phone and I have like 12 messages on my machine from friends wondering if I was okay because of my STATUS message I had on my MSN....
But I just need time off-- because I never planned to like someone again & have deeper feelings again just like that then get REJECTED again..... I need time out I guess bec everytime I get close to someone I always become a disappointment whenever the talk of KIDS and future of having kids come up in the conversation..... | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/28/2007 4:25:18 PM | Yes, but not exactlly the same. I have very deep feeling for a wonderful man,it's not head over heels love...but is extreamly close. We'll call him "M". We dated for a time. He says that he really likes me and cares about me ,but that I deserve better. He called himself broken? Though, I don't see him as broken. He did explain what was going on in his mind and I do somewhat understand.But it doesn't make it any easier. I will always have feelings for him and will continue to be his friend.
So I do feel for you,and understand the pain of not being with one you desire,but she is married and has told you she's not going to leave.So there is nothing you can do about that. You have two choices,1) wait for her to get a divorce,that could be many years away. OR 2)Move on. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/28/2007 9:52:47 PM | | I understand what you are saying SpiceyItalian...I am in love with a married man and can't seem to let him go. I met him at a park from where I work and he was into pouring concrete so I was going to have him check out my yard lol and decide the price well thinking back he wanted to check out other things. I have been in love with him for a year and 4 months. They are married and they are married for a reason. If they are unhappy in the marriage why not divorce? he says all the right things but things he should be saying to his wife. You need to let her go she is going to do nothing but break your heart and when the time came down to it and she had to choose she will SpiceyItalian ultimatly choose her husband. I know this so please let her go before she ruins all the good things in you and the trust you won't have in woman because of her. She is using you for her own personal pleasure and she won't be the one loosing out you will. LET HER GO | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/28/2007 11:05:30 PM | SpiceyItalian -
When I read your post, I almost passed out. I have been in the EXACT same situation for the last year and I just ended the affair.
It is absolutely heartwrenching. I know the pain that you're going through.
It has been more painful than the death of both of my parents combined.
After one year, I could not take it any longer. Eventually you will probably come to the same conclusion.
In my situation, we were having an affair. We got caught. It got really bad. Couldn't see her, couldn't talk to her.....she would make promise after promise.....and break them. She would keep telling me that she was preparing for divorce, that she was leaving him, that she was getting an apartment, it was just a matter of time.....etc.
I know what it's like. You are in love with each other. Nobody else understands exactly what the situation is between you two - where you KNOW that you are soulmates and completely in love. The circumstances are just preventing it. Marriages with children are not easily dissolved, no matter how bad things get between the husband and wife. It's hard to stand by and wait.
It's absolutely heartbreaking. You don't know when to give up. You don't know how long to continue. You become resentful. You get angry and then calm down. You long for them and can only see them very rarely. You question their love for you. You wonder what's taking so long. You wonder if she is really telling you the truth. You only have the version that she tells you.....your information on their situation comes only from her. You become suspicious. You grow tired. You can't sleep. You can't eat. You think about them day and night.
I know what you're going through. It's a horrifically painful situation. More complex than anyone can truly understand until they're actually immersed in it.
Here's my advice:
Give her some time, but watch for signs of her moving towards independence.
Start preparing for the eventuality that you will NOT be together.
Set a date in your own mind. Don't make ultimatums or even say anything to her about it. Just start distancing yourself a little bit - it's very hard, but necessary. Start putting some more space in between your time together.....if you see each other every three or four days, try to stay away and not talk to her for a week or more. Be casual about it. Start slowly pulling yourself out of constant contact. It's hard. You're losing your best friend, I know. Is the constant heartbreak worth it ? The constant pain ? The constant longing ? You know that it isn't. It's just a matter of time before you can't take it any longer and these things will happen on their own.
Take control of your role. Don't just stand by indefinitely, even if it is true love. If she is not taking any action to be with you, that's a message. Even if she stays in the marriage for pragmatic or mundane reasons, she still will never be with you. Regardless of whether or not you are soulmates. Sometimes love just isn't enough, especially with young children involved. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/28/2007 11:12:15 PM | | My heart goes out to you. I have been in that exact situation. And I let him go for the sake of the children. When you love someone, you always put what's best for them AHEAD your own needs. Parting is the best solution for everyone involved. If it's meant to be, she''ll be back when they are older. It's hardest for you because you have nobody and at least she still has her children and husband. Good luck with it and take pride in the fact that your actions are ethical and she can only respect you for it, even tho you'll both be hurt. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/28/2007 11:23:11 PM |
We both love each other dearly, but she won't leave her marriage soley because of her two young children. We are the love of each others lives, and she admits that marrying her current husband was a mistake.
If she did love you dearly, she'd leave.
Just because she admits to making a mistake by marrying her current husband doesn't mean that marrying you wouldn't be a mistake as well.
Sometimes we get fixated on what we never had or can't have because it's less of a blow to our egos than if we had them and lost them.
Sorry if this is redundant...I didn't read all the posts. | |
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| Lack of Closure and the Passage of Time
Posted: 4/29/2007 1:18:57 PM | There are some very difficult aspects to a relationship that finds itself in these circumstances.
Be glad that you have not taken the next step and engaged in a physical relationship - it makes everything much, much more difficult. Sure, there will always be part of you that wonders if it would have been good (the sex) and it will haunt you. However, to have had a sexual relationship with someone that you cannot spend a lot of time with is much worse. You long for them. You desire their touch, their smell, their voice, their companionship, to look into their eyes, to run your fingers through their hair, to run your fingers over their skin. That will haunt you much more. You remember all the times you slept together, all the moments of passion, all of the kisses.....all of it. That's much harder. In the same way that you may have learned the saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" - this is untrue in my experience. The pain of having had a taste of something pure, wonderful and strong and then not being able to explore it fully brings a great deal of pain.
So, we come to closure. It's very hard to let go. Very, very hard. You always think about what could have been. If she had only done something. You don't know whether to give it an unlimited amount of time and endure the pain because you're afraid that if you walk away that you never gave it everything you had. You think that maybe someday they will separate and she won't want you any longer because you didn't wait. These thoughts are ones that I've had many times. I have just finally ended the affair and I cannot tell you how much I miss her. You don't know what the future holds, but I just could not live with the pain of being in love with someone that was committed to somebody else. It gnaws at you. She loved me, I'm certain of it. She begged and pleaded for me to just hang on and that she would finally leave. She wept. I wept. It is just a horribly painful situation. I finally could no longer believe in her words. I was confused all the time - "How could this woman that loves me so much be taking so long to be with me ?"....."Her marriage is already destroyed, we've been caught, why doesn't she just get out ?".....and on and on the thoughts will go. You become a slave to the endgame of her marriage. It becomes a madness.
After you grow tired, the spell will begin to wear off. You will start to see that none of this makes sense. Something is very wrong with the picture. Perhaps she is telling you what you want to hear in order to keep you around. Perhaps they are secretly reconciling and she doesn't want to hurt you. Perhaps things are not what they seem. I read a statistic that says if she doesn't leave in the first three months after the affair has begun, there is very little likelihood that she ever will. I have found this to be true in my case. Even though she keeps telling me that divorce papers are being drawn up, that the situation is degrading rapidly, they fight all the time, never sleep together etc. - nothing ever seems to actually change. That's what you need to look at. Stop listening to all of the words and start looking at the facts. She can tell you anything she wants to, but in the end it is her actions that will truly tell you what's happening.
In your case, she won't do anything at all. You are not even technically having an affair - it is all just planning and discussion, romantic ideas etc.
I am telling you, please listen to someone who has just had the most painful year of their life - get out now. Do not wait any longer, do not let it turn into something deeper, do not let it continue. You will thank me, but probably only if you make these mistakes yourself and then later regret them. I have had my heart broken over and over again in this affair. The interminable waiting. Not being able to get her out of my mind.
They are unattainable until they are single again. It's a simple conclusion, but one that even the most intelligent can take a long time to realize. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/29/2007 2:31:01 PM | i'm in love with the father of my two girls an he just told me that he don't want nothing more to do with me other the friendship but i can't seem to make him see wat it is that he does to me i'm up every nite crying cuz i love him so much but he tells me he loves me then turns around sleeps with me an then i find out he has a gf but wat do i do i love him with all my heart we were together for 6 years before some girl walked in an starts telling him she wants to be with him an he just up an leaves me an r kids . If i could just have one more chance to make him see how much his family needs him an loves him i would do it all. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/29/2007 3:31:32 PM | | Sometimes what goes around comes around! I was married with three teen age children.After 20 years of marriage, I fell in love with a single Italian man. He asked me to leave my husband. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying in a love less marriage with a man who was about to have heart bi-pass surgery. His best friend told him that if I loved him I would leave my husband no matter what. I filed for divorce 5 months later. Mean while he started dating, got a lady pregnant and moved in with her. My divorce came through. My children wouldn't speak to me . My ex went to Cuba and married a young lady, and the love of my life wasn't available . Now he says he cannot leave her after the miscarriage. There is a moral to every story. The tangled web we weave. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/29/2007 4:24:59 PM | "If she did love you dearly, she'd leave."
--xodara
In reality, it doesn't work that way. Love is not the only factor involved in an affair. You could be a supermodel, astrophysicist and a stand up comedian combined and she could be in love with you much more than she is with her husband and she still will not leave the home situation. It's comfortable. They have children. They are a family. Those things do not dematerialize because one party falls in love with someone else. There's financial aspects. In some cases, she may be supported by the husband and hasn't worked for a long time. She's a housewife. She's scared. She afraid of being a single mother. Most people don't just leave their wife or husband of 10+ years because they have fallen in love with someone else. In many cases they will try to have both as long as they can and finally decide on one or the other - but keep in mind the decision isn't always to go with the one that they actually love more. The husband has a decided advantage. He is the father of her children. In many cases he earns more money. He may be the sole provider. He has a bond developed over a decade with her. Not only a friendship/marriage bond, but the bond that comes from having children together and raising them together.
She may decide just to stay in the loveless marriage for the sake of the children and for all the reasons mentioned above and just deal with the heartache of losing the person they loved because they know it will heal over time.
Another one that people love to say is "You knew what you were getting into when you had an affair".
This is absolute nonsense. Most people have never had an affair. They are unaware how complex and painful they can end up being. You have no idea if you're going to sleep with that person 5 times or 500 times. You have no idea if you're going to fall in love with them or not. I will say that it's best just to not get involved, but to say something like that to someone who is really hurting and when it is too late to do anything about is very unhelpful and sadistic. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/29/2007 7:39:05 PM | Hi,
Yes, I am in that situation right now, but not in as complex a situation as you. I understand how hard it must be on you, on you both, and cannot offer much advice, sorry.
I just thought my experience may give you a different perspective on a similar situation.
I am divorced 10 years now, and shortly after it happened, I met two absolutely incredible young women. Funny enough, they are both "spicy Italian" girls. The friendship began when these two amazing women both helped me through the roughest times, the loneliness, the despair, common when a 25 year marriage ends. Not sex, nothing like that, just friendship, two people willing to listen, offer advice, and just "being there" when I needed them, when I needed some solid ground to stand on when the future looked so shaky.
One is married now, just had her second baby, the other was married, split, and has a new boyfriend. I see each of them once or twice a week, to keep in touch, see how they are doing, and to keep the friendship alive. I realized I had fallen in love with the two of them after the first year or so. That love has never faded, in fact is, if anything, more intense than ever. Over this 10 years, these two have come to know and understand me more than anyone else on the planet. Both of them know how I feel, understand completely, and are fine with it.
We all want love, want to be loved, that is a given. What isn't always " a given" is the need to give love to someone. These gals are my best friends, and may love me in some way as best friends; but the most important thing between us is that I love them with all my heart, and that they accept and understand that love. If I didn't have that, them, that outlet as it were, for my emotions, I'd go mad. (OK some reading this may think I am mad already).
I have come to accept I will probably never find a girlfriend, even with this great site, but, for me; even though it is incredibly lob sided, simply having someone (in this case, two) to love has helped me cope with life. I will love these two until the day I die, I know that as sure as I know day will follow night.
I know this doesn't suit your situation, just another man's perspective on being in love with a woman you can't have.
Steve. | |
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| Passive-Aggressive Inaction
Posted: 4/30/2007 8:06:04 PM | These situations take time to sort out. You can never be certain what another person's intentions are until you have given it some time. Eventually you will become frustrated with their passive-aggressive inaction. Over time that frustration will become resentment. Eventually that resentment will become anger. It will finally enable you to break off the relationship. It's terrible that it has to be that way. It's also terrible that a married man or woman can be so presumptuous. They will do nothing while their marriage falls apart and expect you to stand beside them while they continue to remain committed to someone else. You can't expect them to immediately jump ship, but I think you will find that when nothing seems to change over several months that you are being kept on for no other reason than to provide them with whatever they are missing. It could be love, affection, support, someone to talk to etc.
I never wanted her to leave her husband for me. I never pressured her or made a big deal out of it until the very end and I had been waiting for such a long time. I wanted her to leave her husband because she was truly unhappy and could no longer justify staying for the kids. I never wanted the pressure of "I left him for you and now it's not working out...." It's sad that someone can stay where they don't want to be for the sake of the kids, when they absorb all the negativity and after the age of 5 or 6, they are well aware that their parents sleep in different rooms and fight all the time. That's not a good situation for children. It seems that married couples that are unhappy all make that same mistake....staying together for too long when the marriage has obviously failed. I grew up as a captive audience for just such a situation. I didn't want my parents to split up, but it was a very unhappy childhood....walking on eggshells and waiting for the next huge argument. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/1/2007 12:28:07 PM | | I know exactly how you are feeling - pain, guilt, etc. I'm in a very similar situation that has also lasted 3 years. I tried dating - I thought if I could just distract myself, even slowly ween myself, maybe I could finally move on. But I quickly learned I'm incapable of forcing myself to act interested in someone when my heart is somewhere else. So then I decided, once and for all, it had to end - that I was only enabling him to live his double life. His wife let him come and go as he pleased, as I'm sure she also knew about me. I had broken it off in the past, only to give in, but this time he knew it was the only way for me. And he thought he could live without me in his life too. Once our lives took opposite directions, he realized he could not stay in a marriage that brought him no passion, no connection, no anything. Some people are content in gliding through their day to day lives in a fog. Some people think that a loveless, sexless marriage is something you should stay in for the kids sake. Some think the family unit should stay together no matter what. Would someone tell me what the definition is of family unit? When did our western culture decide all other definitions are null and void. What would they say of the Arab or the Mormon societies who believe in multiple wives? I don't see where those kids are so ill-affected. What of the children in 3rd world countries who have lost both father and mother to AIDS. I believe kids are more resilent than you give them credit for. The main issue is that if adults would act like adults and leave the children out of the problems, then everyone can find a happy place to be in their lives. It would be nice to give them the fairy-tale life. But when they are off to college, will they appreciate that you stayed just for them? When they are adults and in love themselves, and find out that they grew up in a home that was all a lie, will they commend you for that or feel responsible for your unhappiness?. I'm not just talking about something that started a few months ago where the heat just hasn't worn off yet - I'm talking about real love. For all you judgemental people out there - Think about it!!! | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/1/2007 3:33:29 PM | | Yes...I'm still in love with my best friend who is also my ex-husband...he says he loves me every day when we talked but he hates that I'm in love with him because he feels bad when he tells me about his new relationships and how he feels about them. He knows I would do anything for him and to be with him again but tells the women they don't have to worry about me, we're just friends and it always hurts but I guess being the best friend does that...I can't give up the friendship even though it hurts to hear him talk the way he does about women because if I can't have the way I want him again I'll take what I can get....I can only hope that one day he will want to be with me again as more than just a friend or friend with benefits when we are both unattached.... | |
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HzChld
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Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 75 | |
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