| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/4/2007 5:17:36 AM | There is no such thing as someone you CAN"T have.
As intelligent humans we are capable of making choices. As residents in America we currently have the freedoms to make choices in our lives and our relationships. Even marriage is no longer a finale. We can get out of a marriage almost as easily as we entered into the marriage. She is making her choices. You must make yours. Perhaps the man she is married to offers this woman a comfort that you can not in the way of financial support, a nice home, a nice car. Does she work or not; does she have any financial independence of her own? What can you offer her other than love? What can you offer in a secure relationship? Does she want these things from you or not? Do you have any conditions in your own life that cause her to be trepidatious? These considerations become important to our quality of life.
I think you are in a mode of waiting that you need to remove yourself from. While she is living a life with her children and her husband in what you say is an unhappy relationship, you however are waiting on the sidelines instead of finding a life for yourself. You can only control yourself and you can only make goals for yourself. This woman that you love has made a commitment that she seems unwilling to change in her life. Why she does not want to make a change is only known to her.
You are not the first nor will you be the last to claim they love someone they cannot have. I married a man that I loved very much. He was and is abusive and suffered several addictions that I was unaware of prior to entering into the relationship. It took me a long time to make the choice to end our relationship for good. We would split up and he was able to get me right back because of the love. We clicked in ways I never had before or since. But the relationship was an unhealthy one because of his addictions. His need to use drugs and alcohol hindered his ability to remain the rational and loving man that he always was when not overcome by the drugs or alcohol.
Even with all the love I held in my heart, and in consideration of the good times that we often shared, the rationale of a continued marriage with this man was that in order for ME to be happy and safe I had to make a decision to end a volatile marriage. It was a choice that was up to me to make. I could say that if he loved me things would have been different and he should have been willing to change. The fact is that he does love me, but even the idea of not having me in his life did not prompt him to change. I could not make decisions for him. I had to decide what best to do for myself. This is what you must do now. You can carry the love, but for now you must decide what is the best thing to do for yourself and what would best fulfill your own needs for happiness - but a new happiness without this woman that you say you care for so deeply.
I do not believe that there is only one person out there in this world that we are meant to be compatible with - I believe there are enough people for us to be able to make choices. You can find another love just as important and even better then what you are offered now, which in reality is nothing. Choosing something in a solid relationship with someone real over nothing with someone who is unavailable would seem to me to be a much wiser and more satisfying choice.
Good Luck. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/4/2007 5:05:21 PM | just because you can't have someone now, doesn't mean things can't take a different twist down the road.
there's someone i met from this site back in november. mid 30's, attractive, sweetest gentleman ever, non-judgemental, warm, recognises when i put on a flirty show to cover my own insecurities (i can't seem to fool him), and flirts back just enough to keep me curious about his true thoughts. unfortunately he's a workaholic (business owner) with a crazy schedule that has him running from 7am to midnight 7 days a week (not exaggerating), and from what i've learned, he's been burned by his past and seems cautious of risking new attachments or opening himself too much emotionally.
we keep in touch on msn intermittently, he makes the effort to call me up from time to time, and when his crazy schedule brings him out my way (every 4-6 weeks)...without fail, he suggests lunch or dinner somewhere. whenever he has 20 minutes to spare, it always seems to turn into 2 hours. then when we do say goodbye, it ends with him giving me one of those 'almost feels too long for just friends' types of hugs. but we remain platonic (not even a kiss), and i respect his reasons for keeping things on that level.
if he ever opened the door to more, i'd cross that threshold without a moment's hesitation. i absolutely adore him, but in the meantime i'm realistic and quite happy with the friendship we share. i'm still looking for love and new people to share my life with, perhaps that special someone will be him (when/if he's ready) and perhaps it'll be someone else. nothing wrong with having an unrequited love, provided you don't let it turn into an obsession that closes you off from other possibilities.
no broken heart here, just a lingering curiosity ; ) | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/4/2007 6:22:48 PM | Hi, there!!
I realized about a month ago, I was in love with a old high school friend. I have always been in love with him, but never realized it until he called me one day about a month ago, just to say hi. I have never been able to get over him. I poured out my heart to him and he seemed very flattered and honored. He has been married 30 years and wants to stay in his marriage. He is not in love with me but, was attracted to me in high school. Back in the 1970's there were no interacial dating. And said, he has thought of having a relationship with me. He decided after talking two days ago, he felt guilty and couldn't jeapordize his marriage, said he was very happy. But, her never said he was in love with her. I am so lost. I feel that we were meant to be together then, and will one day be together. Who knows, except that I have to let go. If we are meant to be together it will eventually happen.
I really feel for you, I know what you're going through. And though people say you have to move on, it's not that easy. We just take one day at a time, don't wait for them, and hope that before we find someone else, they will wake up. I do wish you the best of luck | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 11:54:03 AM | Guess I'm in that situation to a certain degree. Problem is I'm still in contact with the lady, she isn't married but just wants to be friends. I'd like the chance to be able to treat her like a princess as she deserves it after all she's been through. Known her for over 18 mths now and I have to confess I'd forgotten how painful it can be to care for someone so much knowing in the back of my mind there's probably no chance of anything more than friendship. I'll just carry on and suffer in silence as they say.  | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 12:05:52 PM | | I have been involved with a married man and at first it was just for the sex. He isnt happy with his wife and now I have falling in love with him. He is so good to be and always there when he can be. The sex is great and I want him so bad. We get along great and we can talk to each other, which he cant talk to anyone else. But he wont leave his wife, because of his kids and he has too much invested in his marriage. Why cant it be different and why cant we just be happy together instead of sneaking around. He wants me to find someone and have someone in my life. But no one is the same. What do we do? | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 12:25:15 PM | | You say you're not having an affair. If this is not a physical affair, is it an emotional affair? Afterall, an affair is still called an affair. My advice to you is to stop seeing and talking to her. I know this will be a very difficult thing to do, but what else can you do? She has said that she refuses to leave her current marriage. To continue seeing her would make you a very selfish person. Afterall, loving someone means that you want the very best for them; and right now that is not you. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 3:54:54 PM | just because you cant have them at this mom in time dont mean it will always be that way , if she really isnt happy she will eventually find the strength to leave so those children are raised within a relationship of love n laughter instead of arguements n bad vibes !
what will be will be ,, what is meant to be will be , soul mates rarely come along and should be grabbed with two hands , so hang in there | |
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cgisme
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Joined: 2/14/2007
Msg: 108 | |
| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 4:14:24 PM | Many ppl have been in this boat.
Myself, I've chosen to jump out of that boat. I am not willing to spend any more time waiting for someone to decide if they want to be with me. They either DO, or they DON'T. Ppl will come up with a million and one excuses (YES EXCUSES) as to WHY they can't be with you...but that's all they are. Excuses.
OP, if you can't have her the way you want her, then do what you can to move on and get over her. Good luck. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 4:17:23 PM |
that guy him: (page 1) What other option is there if he doesn't love anyone else? As much as people like to think they can pick and choose who they love... we can't.
load of crap.
'love' isn't something that 'happens', its something that is cultivated.
'love' is something you can grow, as long as two people want it to, and put energy into it, with the right methods and inentions.
in respect to what this post is about - i've got that person in the office, who i think would be just right, and was and am crushed that she has a boyfried of 3 years ... but ... all i can do about it - is be me. if she isn't happy in her relationship - maybe she will open her eyes to my friendly smile - if she is happy in her relationship - then im happy shes happy.
as for a situation like yours...one were both people are 'in love' but she has other 'obligations' ... well guess thats tough, and it becomes a matter of cold calculations - what is more important - the way the kids are raised, or her own personal happiness. imo - id put my happiness above my kids - so long as it doesnt impact them in a significant way. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 4:22:19 PM | | well they do say that you want what you can't have. i completely understand what you are going through i was in love with a guy that was lets say unreachable for years until i finally realized that no matter how hard i tried he would never be mine so i blocked out my emotions and finally one day i woke up and could go on... are you ready to stand by the rest of your life watching the one you love be with someone else because of their kids? i know i couldn't handle it. sometimes you have to let things go and go on even though it's hard to have your own life... don't make someone a priority of they are only willing to make you an option... something for you to think about | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 6:10:41 PM | barelysingle -
That's exactly why I ended the affair that I was involved in. I got tired of it. She was staying with him because of the kids, but promising me that they were going to get a divorce, that she was unhappy, that life was miserable....etc. I just couldn't take the waiting any longer. It was absolutely punishing. We couldn't spend any time together, couldn't talk, couldn't see each other. I know that she was really trying to be with me as much as possible, but in that context it was never even close to enough. I still love her. I miss her so much. I had to end it. Getting through this pain once and for all is the only solution I could find - I couldn't continue being hurt every other day because she couldn't see me. I hope that Spicey Italian listens to me.....he hasn't gotten into the physical aspect, which makes everything that much harder. It's so hard to let go....especially when you never got to explore a real relationship with the person. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 7:14:19 PM | the one i will love forever was my high school sweetheart.. but we chose to let each other go when we were young. he join the navy and i went on with my life.. we did not see or speak to each other for almost 15 years.. i found him and called the base.. we talked .. he was married but not happy, he had just came back from bosina .. and saw horrible things over there.. and he came home to a cheating wife.. it destroyed him ..
i know that this is a bit off the subject. but honestly there is another side of the story..and there is her husband who may love her .. but not understand how to fix his marriage...having an affair is never ok .. she or he needs to leave the relationship they are in .. or they will never be completely yours.. i refuse to ever be the other woman.. it is not fair to anyone ..
and this is how my story ended......
i tried to be his friend .. i tried to be there as much as i could, as a friend.. (in all the years we had been together we never once had sex).. he really was just someone i loved with all my heart.. just for being him . but in the end.. ... he took his own life..
his wife got to get on with her life.. she got remarried.. his kids will never be the same .. and neither will i..
and when i really miss him .. i put on a song by kenny chesney .. who you would be today.. ....
somedays i just really have to remember someday i will see him again in heaven.. . | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 5/5/2007 8:07:10 PM | | Having been in your shoes before not long ago I would definately back off. She much the same was in a loveless marriage with a child and house together. She and I also exchanged many I love you's and I just had to be with her. Too make a long story short we broke it off and I was upset at first but it was relief at the same time. You must understand no matter how much she says I love you, she will always be bound by her marriage and untill she actually walks out that door you will never have a fair shot at being with her. You never mentioned wether she was financially able to be on her own and if she is not that would definately prevent her from making any changes to her situation right now. A women needs to know here children will be looked after and provided for. Are you prepared to do this? Does she think that you could responsibly look after her children and take care of them? Whatever happens, those children will always tie the two of them together. Just be carefull and don't let your heart rule your head in this situation. Good luck and I hope my advice to you was helpfull. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:43:31 PM | Hello Everyone,
Its been almost a year since I have posted on this very forum that I started awhile ago, so I thought I would give everyone an update with my situation. Its been awhile since I have had an uplifting news until recently. As of about a year ago, I had thought that all hope was gone that my good friend would ever leave her husband. A lot has happened since that time. Long story short, she has finally made a decision to end the marriage. The good news is that I am not the reason she is going to end it. This solely has to do with her husband. In fact, we have only seen each other once in the last 8 months and mostly just keep in touch through e-mail. The beginning of her deciding to end it all started last September when she had an almost near tragedy with her 9 yrs. old daughter. Her daughter had to be rushed to the hospital with a cerebral hematoma which is an internal bleeding of the brain. Very scary time for her. She didn't even know if her daughter would survive it. Bottom line is that her husband was not there for her emotionally during this time when she really needed him, and she can not get over that. This was in fact the last straw, at least I hope it ends up that way. The plan is for them to stay living together till the end of the school year for the sake of their daughter, and then they will separate. I've been through so much with this girl that I am still a little skeptical that this divorce will actually happen. She sounds really convincing right now. They went on a vacation to try and save things and it changed absolutely nothing. For myself, I am trying to determine what the best approach should be going forward. I don't know at what point she will even be mentally or emotionally ready to start a new relationship with someone else. We already know that we love each other as friends. I guess I shoud just try and lay low for the time being and just offer the friendship that she needs. I guess when she is ready to move to something more, she will give me a signal. I'd like some of your opinions on this. A divorce could take years, and I know a lot of people choose to date before this. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, because I have been let down so many times before. I feel like I am destined to be with this person though. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:55:24 PM | Well there sure are alot of people in the same boat , its almost good to know. Ive been in love with the same person for almost 3 years now. ive been with others but when ever she called, well we'd meet. my favorite thing to say is we just dont seem to be on the same page. if im with someone she isnt and vice versa. This time around i thought we were on the same page but she chooses ( i think thats the big hint here ppl ) to continue to stay on these dating sites and meet others. Yes she may not be ready but come on there must be a time where we must take alook at ourselves ( both sides of the fence ) and either say enough is enough or just one person just isnt good enough.
To think that maybe this person who has my heart continues to take the path of self destruction on the premis of requiring independance then a couple of days later is with someone new and is now in a relationship. yup it pisses a person off and i suppose the will be a time where enough will be enough. I know i wont be the loser in this one.
I already know the facts.
if this makes any sense i hope it helps someone
I never follow my own advice lol ... i do regret it sometimes though | |
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jdb57
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Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 118 | |
| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/5/2008 6:32:39 PM | I recommend you rent the film "Broadcast News" (1987) featuring Holly Hunter, William Hurt, and Albert Brooks. The main character is in love with one of her co-workers, but she put her career first and in the end of the film they meet after several years away from each other and both have their own families. It is a bittersweet moment because they are both happy, and yet they both staring at each other speechlessly. They must be thinking "What if we had gotten together?", "Did I make a mistake?", "Would we still be together?"
This is the way life works for some people, but if you watch the film you will see that the two former loves HAVE their own families and they HAVE that happiness that everyone seeks. If you ever find yourself loving someone who never acts upon it, you just have to be brave and move on. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/5/2008 7:11:49 PM | 1. We always want what we can't have.
2.What you feel is the thrill of the chase. The proverbial carrot being dangled in front of your nose.
3. There is always one person who enables these things.
4. People that know what they want, will do whatever it takes to get it.
5. People that don't know what they want, will bring you down into a big muddy bowl of confusion with them.
6. Better to be alone than together with someone and lonely.
7. Married people rarely leave a comfortable marriage for a new uncertain one. And if they do, the relationship they've left their marriage for usually doesn't last very long.
It's always hard to having stronger feelings for someone you can't have and have the guts to walk away.
But it is, what it is. And it sounds to me like it isn't. She's obviously chosen her husband over you. Move on and keep your dignity in tact. And stop setting your sights on this one person. There's plenty of fish right here! ;) | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:27:09 PM | | I have to admit that I am deeply in love with someone I know I will most likely never have, again. We had known each other for a few months and one day we started spending a lot of time together talking, getting to know each other better then one day it turned physical and it was one of the most wonderful relationships I have ever known or was a part of. It went on for over a month and then one day she decided we needed to just become "friends" again and slow things way down. Needless to say it has been over 6 months now and it's killing me to try to be "just friends" and pretend nothing is any different. I think I made the unfortunate mistake of telling her that I still have feelings for her about a month and a half ago, but she still insists we still remain friends. This whole mess is so hard to handle, I, for the time being, still believe she is the one I have always been looking for and to just be her friend is so damn hard. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that it will never become more like what we once shared and we'll just be forever friends. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:40:10 PM | Yes me. And he is the love of my life too...and I know he belongs to someone else. Believe it or not I believe him when he tells me he loves me. I also know he loves her.
He makes no promises and I expect none. We live 2500 miles apart so it makes it easier. I have no intention of trying to break up their marriage..but it doesn't stop me from thinking about him and dreaming about him, and wishing he were mine.
I am trying to move on but unfortunately, I think I am looking for his clone... | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:46:03 AM | As a man on the other side. may be you should stay out of what is not yours. You are having an affair with her , it's emotional . She loved him at one time or she would not have marred him or had kids. your taking the attention away from him that she could give to her relationship. If she put that effort in to her marriage, it might be better. It takes a real man to now when to do the wright thing. Every marriage has problems. If the Mormon Man my wife is currently living with would have stay out of it may be we would have been able to work it out. We were on our way until he crossed that line that we as gentlemen should not cross. Would you like to be in my shoes explaning to my 7 yr old little girl why mommy sleeps with anther man. She just wants her family. So yes i do now what its like to love someone you can't be with!!!!!!!!!!! I will not judge you that is for God, when will we as gentlemen quit stabbing each other in the back!!! It's this crap that makes it so hard for people to trust each other and be able to date each other with out so much hesitation. Put your self in her husbands shoes would you want a fighting chance with your wife? If it dies on it"s own then good for you. Until then be a gentleman and stay out of it. If you truely love her you wont couse her and her kids this kind of pain. your being selfish!!!!!!!!!!  | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:26:51 AM | SpiceyItalian, I have something to say to people like you:
1st... Was her marriage a mistake, before or after you came into her life and made
up your mind, you had to have her.
2nd. Would their marriage still be a mistake, if you acted like a man and disappeared
and let her family, be a family.
3rd.. Love of your life huh? What about the poor guy that married her in the first
place and had children with her? Did you think about him at all? Well No, of course
you didn't because that doesn't suit you now does it. Your wrecking his life as well and
asking him to pay child support and go through the mental BS that goes with divorce,
just because your not man enough, to walk away.
Dude, pick up a bible, read it. You have no clue what your asking her to do, nor do you
have any clue what your doing.
Step off and let the woman, truly make up her own mind, right now your doing nothing
but TRYING to break up her marriage and guys like you don't deserve to have what
real men have. I know this subject inside and out. Been there done that... A divorce
later, here I am. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:37:54 AM | I know I'm probably gonna get slammed for this one but...
It is AMAZING to me how many people see this in black and white. As if you can pick who you fall in love with. As fi you can just walk away from who you are in love with as if there is a love switch you can flip on and off whenever you want. As if it's all the guy's fault. As if the girl was sitting there minding her own business and the guy was all over her and she finally said "Ok, I think I'm gonna go ahead and fall in love with him, what the hell". It is never black and white like this when it comes to this stuff, there is a whole lot of grey.
I'm not advocating breaking up relationships but what is this guy destroying? You can't destroy something that is already destroyed. She is staying in that marriage for the kids, not for love or the guy. That relationship is already done. There is nothing there. And like a poster before me said, I hope all that doesn't effect kids in any way.
OP, I read your update. I feel for you. It really sucks but I hope somehow everything works out without too much pain. | |
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