| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/7/2008 12:16:52 PM | Yep. The last guy I dated seriously. We had to break up because in a nutshell, he wants kids and there's was no getting around it, he's determined. Physically I'm unable to have them so it was a dealbreaker for him. We loved each other dearly but it just couldn't be. Broke my heart.  (I hadn't had this problem before because most, if not all, of the guys I dated seriously didn't want kids or already had them so it wasn't an issue.) I never felt so damaged or rejected in my entire life. I understand, but it still hurts. I'm now a bit gun-shy about dating for fear the same thing might keep happening, that once I tell them *poof* -gone, or they'll just string me along until something more fertile comes their way. I know (at least I still have hope) there are some out who will accept me for the way I am, since I can't change it, but as I get older it gets that much harder. *sigh* | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/7/2008 2:48:20 PM |
Yep. The last guy I dated seriously. We had to break up because in a nutshell, he wants kids and there's was no getting around it, he's determined. Physically I'm unable to have them so it was a dealbreaker for him. We loved each other dearly but it just couldn't be. Broke my heart. (I hadn't had this problem before because most, if not all, of the guys I dated seriously didn't want kids or already had them so it wasn't an issue.) I never felt so damaged or rejected in my entire life. I understand, but it still hurts. I'm now a bit gun-shy about dating for fear the same thing might keep happening, that once I tell them *poof* -gone, or they'll just string me along until something more fertile comes their way. I know (at least I still have hope) there are some out who will accept me for the way I am, since I can't change it, but as I get older it gets that much harder. *sigh*
He dumped the girl he loved dearly because she couldn't have kids? I might be missing the definition of love... but that's just wrong. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/7/2008 3:06:29 PM | | Yepp. During Desert Storm, ( yes about 17 years ago) I met the love of my life. He, unfortunately, was married at the time, and being decent people, we did not have an affair. We did however, become very close. After the war, he went home with his wife to Texas, and I got married in New York. Shortly after, he got divorced. Ten years later, when I split from my husband, he had just gotten married again. And so it goes....... 2000 + miles apart, the closest of friends and soul mates for life. "For we have a bond stronger than Friendship or Love..and though we cannot be together, we will never, ever be apart ." Te Amo Alfredo! | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/7/2008 6:28:12 PM | | I dated an Asian lady for three years we always wanted to be us forever maybe it was a cultural clash.Between her family and me it was tareing her apart,myself also.I will say the hurt has long gone but when I look back I smile for all I see were the good times.Love doesnt die---Hang in there-yes. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/7/2008 8:48:40 PM |
Its just been a hard thing to deal with for both of us and was wondering if anyone else out there has been or is going through someone similar.
In the 20 years I was married, this happened to me twice. Both times, the attraction was so unbelievable, it actually hurt. It wasn't just the physical attraction, it was the WHOLE attraction.
Both times this has happened, the other male and myself just had to walk away. Even though my ex fooled around on me numerous times, I could not find it in my heart to do it to him. I was very fortunate that both other males were very understanding with my circumstances and morals, and let me go.
Now, the funny part is, is that my ex is married again, both these fellows that fell for me, and I fell for hard are married with children, and I'm the single one...
Life....pffftttt
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/7/2008 8:59:26 PM |
We had to break up because in a nutshell, he wants kids and there's was no getting around it, he's determined. Physically I'm unable to have them so it was a dealbreaker for him. We loved each other dearly but it just couldn't be. Broke my heart.
Oh, man, that's harsh. Nothing like hitting you right in the womanhood, even if you logically know better. You can't even do in-vitro?
I am so sorry to hear that. I know someone who went through the exact same thing. It's awful. *hugs*
Ms. V | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/7/2008 9:27:06 PM | | Its obvious to anyone with half a brain (,you obviously have less than that )that this marriage is already destroyed ,if the marriage was good there would be no lovers either side ,it isnt rocket science to see that ,its the parents of these innocent children who should not be screwing up their innocent lives ,if they are prepared to play around surely its down to them ,after all the lover was probably single ,why should he feel guilty ,hes not the married one ,so dirtbag as you call him is pretty uncalled for ,after all im sure he didnt force her to cheat she made that decision all by herself . | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/7/2008 9:36:31 PM | | You should excuse yourself from their lives until they work out their problems...you have both created this problem and sound like victims in the situation you created ....you should have never started this to begin with!....put yourself in her husbands shoes, 5 years from now, after shes left him and comes to you... when she does this to you, will you see this the same way? ...marrieds are off limits and shame on you both for not thinking of what this could do to the children of this union. You aren't best friends..you are having an emotional affair. Call it what it really is.... | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:12:20 AM | [ He dumped the girl he loved dearly because she couldn't have kids? I might be missing the definition of love... but that's just wrong.]
Me too and I definitely agree. I guess he just didn't love me "enough" - whatever that is. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:18:24 AM |
Oh, man, that's harsh. Nothing like hitting you right in the womanhood, even if you logically know better. You can't even do in-vitro? I am so sorry to hear that. I know someone who went through the exact same thing. It's awful. *hugs* Ms. V
Thank you. It's been tough and was quite a struggle to feel "normal" again after that type of rejection. I still have good and bad days.
I could probably do in-vitro, but my age (36 now) makes me a high-risk category and the odds get lower the longer you wait so apparently I was too high of a risk for him. Plus it's very expensive, there are no guarantees, etc. I'm fine with adoption, but he was adopted and feels very strongly that he HAS to have natural kids of his own, probably for that very reason. A pretty messed up situation, to say the least.
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:27:56 AM | Forgot to mention that it basically seems that his "need to have kids" drive was stronger in him than his love for me. Which yeah, I don't get. What happened through the good and the bad? Whatever.
I just wonder what might happen if down the road he finds out he's sterile (he did a lot of drugs in the past and still occasionally smokes pot which we all know isn't good for the sperm count), or if he marries someone who, for whatever reason, can't have kids either (I mean what's he going to do, start fertility testing everyone he dates? Maybe he will now...). What will he do then? Divorce? Be forced to adopt? Should be interesting. Not to mention he's not financially, mentally or logistically ready to start a family anytime soon, so I don't know that his desire and thinking matches his planning, or lack thereof, but it's no longer my problem.
The one consolation I have is that both his and my friends thinks he cut off his nose to spite his face. Nobody quite understands it. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:57:58 AM | | I cant totally relate to this situation. I have a brother who is a year and a few months behind me in age. He has this friend, that he has been close to for almost 9-10 years. Well anyhow the friend, has gotten to know our family well. He was there when I got married and through my divorce. We never really did anything but hang out until last year. I had lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of self confidence. Well last year he was here doing some work for my parents and hanging out with my brother. He stayed throughout the holidays and we became a lot closer. We spent time out just he and I , going out dancing, just hanging out and talking , enjoying eachothers company. We both really grew fond of eachother , fooled around, ...and I fell hard for him. We would spend the night together , and just talk and talk, it was the most time i have ever felt loved in my life. I fell in love with him. It was awful because he said he had deep feelings for me , but couldnt pursue things any further because i was his best friends sister and that just wouldnt be right . What i didnt understand was how it was ok to spend the night with me , fool around and such , but not to pursue anything further than that . lol. To this day I still think about him on a daily basis....and I am still crazy about him . Call me crazy but I think he was my soul mate! and I think ill always love him. !! hows that for stupid. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:58:44 AM | well I still love the guy I left, does that count? If I had wanted him I wouldnt have let him go. it doesnt mean I didnt love him, I loved him enough to let him go (last Boyfriend).
My ex husband ( awhile ago) was in love with another for 4 years , he loved me too, but I believe in marriage and if I wanted to share him with another was not an issue. I didnt feel I could be with him and him wanting another at the same time. So I devosed him and set him free. The funny thing is she didnt divorse her husband and they fell apart. I think what you two are going though is strong and what makes your love for each other stronger is the secret love thing but should she leave her husband you two wont last 6 months the excitment will be gone. some people want what they think they
they cant have, but when its available they dont want it anymore. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:16:50 PM | | I think a lot of ppl have been where you are right now. It's very painful and difficult to resolve. Personally I think you should accommodate her need to care for her children, and try to heal your own heart by going your separate ways. For now, this is what she wants even though she can't bring herself to say it. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:23:31 PM | | I have never understood this "staying together for the sake of the kids" thing. I would think the kids know deep down their parents are unhappy and probably feel guilt about it. I have never been in love with a married man, but I know a few people who have been in your exact situation. They tortured themselves for years hoping and waiting, and the "soulmate" never left their partner. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/10/2008 1:47:13 PM | | I think we all, at some point, have been in your emotional situation. The reasons why things can't, or don't, work out are many and varied. The only tidbit of advice I can offer is stay positive and be suppotive. If you truly love someone that's all you can do. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/10/2008 2:52:36 PM |
FixedHeart wrote:
> He dumped the girl he loved dearly because she couldn't have
> kids? I might be missing the definition of love... but that's just wrong.
I'm going to respectfully disagree, or at the very least suggest a
different perspective.
For all of the things that love might be, there's one thing I'm
fairly certain about, and that love is not self-sacrifice.
If someone is of the mind that they want to have children, kids
of their own, and they have the resources financially and time
wise to do so, then let them find someone to be with who can
and wants the same thing.
And for the gal who can who cannot have children, she is perhaps
much better off being with someone who either doesn't want children,
or else someone who, perhaps like herself, if fine with an alternative
plan like adopting.
But what we perhaps don't want it to be with someone who's a rather
self-sacrificing martyr, who years later down the road in the relationship
only whines about their earlier self-sacrifices (usually in the form of
"If it weren't for you, I'd have children of my own" , or whatever their
whine is that might begin with "If it weren't for you...").
So while this gal's situation seems somewhat tragic at the moment,
from where I sit, her not being with this fellow is a sort of blessing in
disguise, the kind which now leaves the door open for her to find
and be with a man who will most enjoy her just the way she is, and
for whom either not having children or adopting children works well
enough for him.
But for anyone who has thought long enough and deeply enough about what
love is or is not, they will most certainly eventually come to the conclusion
that of all the things that love might be, love is definitely not self-sacrifice.
Apolinary | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/10/2008 2:59:57 PM | | I was. But not because they were married........and not because they were with someone else.....sometimes people whether they love each other or not just can't because of differences....there isn't any blame on anyone just two people that know that the differences are to large and to much to deal with at this time in our lives. It did hurt to know that no matter how much you love someone somethings have to be left undone...........Blue | |
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