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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 12:22:33 AM | Oh-boy!!! You know what? There are very few people that can handle having everything that they want. For most people, a person needs a reason to be, a person needs something to strive for. A person needs to be able to be in the zone, so to speak. It sounds to me that you provided all of the physical things that she wanted. Physical things can be something to strive for, but this is not super fulfilling and doesn’t last longer than obtaining that object. Like if you buy that cute little red sports car, a month later, where are you, the thing sits in the garage and your enthusiasm is quenched, wasted money.
Anyways, back to the woman.
She obviously felt that she had everything that she wanted, except she didn’t feel fulfilled. I take it that she didn’t have a job that she enjoyed. I take it that she didn’t have a reason for being. Sorry to say it, but that is what she is looking for. That is something that you cannot provide to her. When you give someone too much, then it all looses its meaning. Why do you think that rich people are so messed up?
What she needs now is time. Plain and simple, so let her have it. Do not push the issue, do not force the issue, give her the space that she needs. Right now she needs to get a grip on reality, which is her reality and not what you think that her reality should be. I know that this really sucks, but give her some time, in fact, give her all the time that she needs. I take it that you love her, ok, so who would you rather have experience pain, you or her? The proper answer is you; at least I hope that was your answer.
So anyways, let things be, let her soul search; you do your job, wash your car, mow the lawn, but for gods sake do not do anything drastic. Do not get a girlfriend, at least until you hear from her down the road and she is sure that she doesn’t want to come back. Give her a minimum of 3 months, but I would defiantly give her a year before searching elsewhere. I know that this sounds like forever, but these things take time and it will pass before you know it.
I wish you the best. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 1:33:06 AM | There is an odd thing about humans that I have noticed over the years in many couples. If one partner is a pretty good partner for a long time then the other partner begins to take them for granted. I have noticed this happening if couples have been together for a long time like you and your wife AND ESPECIALLY if one or both are relatively young when you initially get together. If people have not experienced enough time being single or if it has been many, many years since they've been single, it seems like they cannot fully appreciate what they have because they have not had to deal with the hell of sifting through years of players, losers, the mentally warped etc........so they just don't understand that they got lucky early. Sounds like she thinks the grass will be greener on the other side of the fence. She will find out she was wrong. She may not realize this for a few years but I promise you one day she will look back on her decision and regret it greatly.
I am very sorry for your pain but life is ever changing. Nothing is constant. You have no alternative but to move on with your life. Life will not last forever so don't waste any more time on her and move on. Make the next years the best yet..........make friends and have fun. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 5:06:49 AM | trying to find herself???... did you tell her to look under the couch before she left... I find lots of stuff under there...
I made the same mistake she did... all I found was that I lost myself when I left... yeah, there was deeper meaning to that "under the couch thing" | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 5:34:12 AM | I will probably get hate mail for this but here goes. The OP talks alot about the material things he gave her. Um okay but what about the emotional things. What did he do to look after her emotional well being. The material things pale after awhile and one can begin to feel "bought". My other question is this, why do you say you gave her this and that. She had a job so couldn't she buy the things herself, isn't marriage is supposed to be a partnership. How often did you tell her about the wonderful things you bought her? She is a person who has emotional, mental and physical needs. From what the OP said I see nothing about working together to fulfill one another just a desire on his part to buy her.
OP this might not have been your intention but sometimes being nice and providing every material thing that someone wants can take all meaning from a gift and leave the other person feeling like they have been bought and paid for, and that they have no self worth. Just my opinion | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 6:34:09 AM |
I will probably get hate mail for this but here goes.
Ok, you asked for it. lol, no offence, but My first post was for a situation that has already happened. The whole situation happened because the woman was a dependent. This is so sad. I hate that women’s rights crap while hearing ‘treat me like a princess.’ I really do mean no offence to you blackjade. There is another forum I am posting in about ‘What do women offer in a relationship’, and so far, not much. Women grow up wanting to be treated like daddy treated them. Ever hear the saying ‘put up or shut up’? I know that this is fairly rude thing to say, but it does have merit. Think about the divorce rate. It is very high, and you know what, all my years I have heard many stories of how badly the woman is treated by the man, but, of all the people that I have ever Met that have been divorced, very few were because of the man. So, I think to myself, could all of those stories have been women pity me stories? Women whose imagination world does not meet with reality, and is therefore unhappy? I am starting to think so. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 6:47:47 AM | | it seems as though nice guys do finish last !But some women just dont get it,until its too late.The grass is always greener on the other side. That is until you get there.all i have is one question for you,even though she had all of the material things did she have the one thing she needed and not wanted??YOU ! .....LIFES TO SHORT TO SSIT AND WALLOW IN THE PITY POT.TRUST MWE I KNOW IVE BEEN IN IT AND WASTED 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND NOW I FIND MYSELF 53 AND WONDERING IS IT TOO LATE FOR ME TO TRY AGAIN? ..best of luck to you....DAR | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:15:34 AM | Well, Dannyr..I was only assuming on Greg's interpretation. Context of text can be misconstrued. That's just how I perceived his wording.
Now as far as studentwrite's post...that whole him missing signal thing is BS!! Was she mute? Did the cat have her tongue?? Or was it that her head was to far up her own A$$ that she simply couldn't verbally communicate her feeling. It's not any person's obligation or responsibility to "guess" what one person is feeling. No reason to add $hit to that septic tank. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:17:55 AM | I don't recall spouting any women's rights crap. Since you seemed to have missed my point, I will try again. There is more to a relationship than material things. In the post by the OP he talks about the material things he gave her. Relationships are based on the whole package. That includes emotional, physical, mental, and yes material support. It seems maybe his wife did not feel she was getting these things. The other thing that bothers me is that the OP didn't notice whether is wife was happy or not. It takes 2 people to work at a relationship, this includes communicating with each other and it doesn't seem to me that there was much communication.
Women grow up wanting to be treated like daddy's little girl, two words for ya momma's boy. I was daddy's little girl, I played sports, sucked it up when I got hurt and learned to look after myself, I don't expect anyone to look after me. I do quite well on my own thank you very much. Put up or shut up well I guess I put up because I look after myself and don't rely on a man, I am not a materialistic person and don't really appreciate someone who is constantly buying me gifts. I appreciate the phone call during a busy day just to say hi, or the message on my computer just to let me know they are thinking of me. Material things have their place but should not be what makes someone a good guy. A good guy is the guy gives up his seat on a bus for an elderly person, who looks after your cat when it is sick, who holds a door open for someone who has their arms full.etc.
Divorce is all women's fault, um did you ask any women whose fault the divorce was, I suspect many of the women will say it is the mans. I have been divorced I know why the relationship didn't work. I also know it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and it takes 2 people to make a relationship fail. I don't have an imaginary world that I live in. I live and breath and work in the real world. Sorry Translation I really don't mean to be B****y but I don't need a man to make me happy. I am happy the way I am. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:37:23 AM |
That includes emotional, physical, mental, and yes material support.
Yes, I totally agree with this little tidbit. My whole point was, do women do these things? From my experience, when the woman puts in the effort that she expects out of the man, which isn’t really all that much effort, she feels that she is pulling all the weight in the relationship. Did I miss your point? Really? And yes, I have talked to many people, men and women; they are not as different as you may think.
B****y can be good, get you all fired up, get those neurons going.
You should put some of that into your profile, not all of it, but you did make a couple of good points about yourself. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:38:32 AM | I heard "I need some space" from X of 21 yrs..Funny how that space was used for another man.
I'd bet the Ranch she has found another guy.
Don't blame yourself,she is the one who did it. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:48:04 AM | Sometimes it's really not all about what you give a person material wise.. but what you give emotionally wise...
I have dated well off guys who have offered to give me the world.. but they where emotionally inept..not saying that you are.. but in my situation that is how it was.. I am dating a man now who material wise can't offer me much at this time.. but emotionally, affection, love all of that is beyond comparison to the past relationships I have had..
but irregardless what has happened is now in your past.. its time for you to forge ahead and find someone who will love you for you and not for the SUV, $1000 or trips to vegas.
Good luck | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:53:43 AM | As I sit here and read all the responses... I see a lot of correct responses.
1, You cannot buy someone's love
2, She might be having an affair or she could be trying find purpose within her life however I tend to think the affair is more than likely.
3, Time to move on and stop dwelling on what you did wrong and start thinking too bad for her.
4, The friend thing..? Yea it can happen, but you need to move on with your life. SHE is the one that left you, time for you to move as well or you will find yourself without while she is living it up... don't be a chump !
5, See # 1 People that feel the need for big ticket items are selfish and shallow.
Good luck to you man... Nice guys do finish last, but at least he have our dignity. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 8:20:16 AM | I was married for almost 22 years to a man who places a lot of value on "having" things ... material things. He did not shower me with with gifts and cruises and cars and such ... and I didn't want that either, but he does place a lot value on "owning" things of value.
People do not just "wake up one morning and decide they don't want to be married anymore" ... that kind of thing happens over a period of time ... but some don't listen to or pay attention to the signs and symptoms of such a situation developing.
When I left my husband, it should not have been a surprise, but he made it appear as if it was.
Bottom line: He was not paying attention, he did not listen when I communicated my needs ... which as I mentioned, had nothing to do with "material value" of anything. All I ever wanted was his love and respect. I did not have a "price" on my head ... my affections were not for sale.
I have been divorced for almost 14 years and still do not have a "price" on my head. All I really want is a man to love me and respect me for who and what I am ... and not pick me apart for my weaknesses. I do have weaknesses, but I do also have many strengths ... (the testimonials on my profile attest to that and I take pride in living up to what has been said about me).
When people finally start loving each other for "non-material" reasons, and focus on the feelings of one another, none will wake up one morning and "appear" to have decided (from one day to the next) that they don't want to be married anymore.
You need to move on and while you're at it ... endeavor to be with a woman who loves you for who and what you are ... and who you love for who and what she is ... not for what you can give her or she can give you that has any kind of "material" value.
Marriage is a companionship and a sharing of feelings and mutual respect. I can tell you that I would have lost respect for my husband if he would have even attempted to "buy" my love.
Marriage shouldn't have anything to do with "material" value of anything.
What if you lost everything from one day to the next in a fire or flood ... would your relationship with your spouse still survive? If not ... you have a "material" relationship.
EDIT ... to the post below:
Don't get me wrong this wasn't a materialistic relationship, I didn't buy her love, we fell in love originally because we had so many things in common. Then that's what should have been a very big part of your original post ... not what you "bought" for her and / or a list of all the material things you provided over the years.
I sympathize with you and your loss ... but now you are saying that this all materialized over a 4 year period ... so in fact it was not that she simply woke up one morning and decided she no longer wanted to be married ... you were aware of the problem for some time.
I'm sorry she would not cooperate with the counseling ... neither would my spouse. That's why I eventually had to leave him ... although I was still deeply in love with him. It just was not a "partnership" ... "team effort". When you have 2 teenagers and 2 pre-teens, you simply must have a team effort with regards to the adults in charge ... an "undivided front".
I did not have that ... I had a "fifth" child on my hands and I decided after the 4th child I gave birth to that I did not want any more "children". | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 8:21:15 AM | | Don't get me wrong this wasn't a materialistic relationship, I didn't buy her love, we fell in love originally because we had so many things in common. We appreciated all of the little things and the emotional support we gave to each other. Her sister died of cancer in 2001 and my father died in 2003 and we were there to hold each other up. It's just that over the last 4 years we have drifted apart. I tried suggesting counseling but she didn't want anything to with it. I think she just got tired and restless. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 8:24:44 AM | | She had me whenever she wanted me, I'm not one of those type "A" corporate robots that put their job ahead of their family. I always made a point to spend time with her everyday, to kiss her when we both got home from work. Maybe there is such a thing as treating a woman too well, if there is, I guess I'm the biggest offender. My idea was to provide a wonderful loving environment for her in our marriage because she came from a family life of misery and abuse. - DIDN'T WORK | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 8:43:53 AM | Translation,
I can't answer for all women but I know that I do. I have always known that in some respects I have different views from what can be termed the accepted norm. Relationships don't just happen. They take work and compromise and communication. As far as I am concerned you get what you give for better or worse. I believe that our experiences are different and we are viewing them differently. I have never accepted that any relationship failed because of one person or the other, it still takes 2.
In my experience men tend to forget that I am a women and I do have emotional needs. I look after myself and am self sufficient, so I can come across as not needing affection, romance, etc. It is a catch 22 for me, guys like the idea of the little women but want a women who can stand on her own. I am a women who stands on her own and then they don't give the emotional support that I need since I tend to become the strong one in a relationship. I usually end up being the one who gives emotional support. Just a example from my life. I was once told by a good male friend that he was going to tell everyone that I cried while watching a movie with him, he then said the thing is no one would believe him. Not because I am cold just because I am capable and I do what needs to be done.
I know off the topic but needed to be answered.
P.S.I have chosen not to put a lot in my profile because I truly don't know what I am looking for and so I am keeping it simple for now. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 9:30:49 AM | I hope this doesn't come across as vitriolic OP, I hardly believe being a quote unquote " NICE GUY"got you the Boot?
Why are you equating love to money? you bought her this, bought her that blah blah blah, so what if you bought her a ring that has more carrots than Bugs F* king bunny or she has a SUV vs a Ford focus( no offense to those who drives a Focus)
The main problem with NICE GUYS is, most of them are Doormats, I'm willing to bet, you waited on her hand and foot, and she got BORED, most women ( and I said MOST) prefers a Balanced man
definition in my opinion , its a fine line between being a nice guy, gentlemen to a Confident man, they have boundaries, their lives are full of purpose and goals, they ain't selfish but not selfless either, they're happy with them selves before making some one happy
Ever notice that most women don't stay with nice guys, she cant stay with someone who she can walk over (unless its a sugar daddy)
You can hypothesize all you want on why she left you, the bottom line is she did, and you need to look at yourself first? and learn the patterns you display for attracting a mate?( a wise man once said HE WHO LEARNS BUT DOES NOT THINK IS LOST, HE WHO THINKS BUT DOES NOT LEARN IS IN GREAT DANGER.
time generally heals a broken heart, but it doesn't solve the mysteries of why she left? the answer is sometimes right in front of you , but you may not be ready to see it.
If what you say is true(giving you the benefit of the doubt here) there is 3 sides to a story, anyways and shes trying to find her self let her go and find her self, and find your self at the divorce lawyer, let her go, stop trying to save her or convince her, let the door hit your a$$ and leave a mark.
just my 3 cents. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 9:42:37 AM | | Oh belive me I wasn't her doormat, I let her know when she got out of line, maybe not as strongly as I should have. I just have a hard time when I see a woman hanging around with a man who treats her like crap, why do they allow that? and why do some women take what a nice guy gives them, love, security, understanding and companionship and throw it out like a sack of trash? - can anyone out there irregardless of whether they are male or female give me a logical answer and not a bunch of pedantic psycho-babble????? | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 10:36:57 AM | | Iluvlife..Dude, you have my sympathy. But you're truly seeking information that none of us know to be factual. We're here to give you potential answers, not feed you skittles from the end of a rainbow. Bottom line..She's not happy. Who cares why anymore? Your user ID reads I love life..well dude, go out and enjoy life man. Life will always be there. There's nothing stable or constant about life or the people in it. If she isn't happy, then she isnt happy. If you already know you gave her everything possible (emotional stability, financial security, and all her basic needs), then why are you dwelling on her mental instability. Like I said earlier, you're either devine enough to forgive her and wait for a reunite that may not happen or you're human enough to forget about her mental despair and move on with your life. Everyone here gave great advice and suggestions. Now take it or leave it. Geez, I'm glad I don't post my problems...I'd be committed for life between four pretty white walls and a new jacket. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 11:04:56 AM | Thanks Man, you're right, it's time to go single again. I guess that's the type of question that will never be answered. Women are a big question mark!!! I guess it's time to have some fun, who knows I might find the one that I was supposed to find years ago.
Well for any ladies reading this, if you would like to meet a decent guy, 45 years old, florida boy with a good heart and a great sense of humor - read my profile and give me a buzz and we'll see what happens. Thanks everybody for your input, it really helped.
Take Care | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 11:18:36 AM | I agree with some of the other responses...I think the next best thing or so she may think has come along and she is stringing you along incase it dosn't work out...my advice... an ex becomes and ex and leave it that way...friendship is earned not a right..only time will tell if she is honest but I would say be cordial and nothing more...
Save your friendship for someone who truly wants it and will give it in return. | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 11:21:31 AM | In part, from what you've wrote, I'd say she got bored with you. You gave yourself away to her and lavished her with gifts and that's not what women want. "Spoiling" women is not the way to keep a good woman around. Good women are not bought.
I'm not excusing any infidelity on her part, but let's say it's common for some women to have an affair mainly because they're insecure about being alone and can't leave someone until they line up someone else. They also love the thrill of new romance, old established predictable boring relationships just can't compare to that rush.
"I just have a hard time when I see a woman hanging around with a man who treats her like crap, why do they allow that? and why do some women take what a nice guy gives them, love, security, understanding and companionship and throw it out like a sack of trash? - can anyone out there irregardless of whether they are male or female give me a logical answer and not a bunch of pedantic psycho-babble?????"
Psycho-babble? You need an open mind, because, hey, you're saying you haven't a clue, so don't be so against a different way of thinking that can probably help you.
Women like bast@rds for the manly traits they have, and put up with some (non-manly) abuse because it's better than being with a guy who doesn't present that challenge to them at all. That weak behavior sickens them. "I let her know when she got out of line, maybe not as strongly as I should have"... uh huh, and on top of that, you were too "nice" to her, by way of supplicant gifts and behaviors.
According to your profile, you're ready to run right out and make all the same mistakes again, and then you'll find yourself 51 and dumped. I'm telling you... research this! | |
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| What did I do wrong????
Posted: 4/23/2007 11:32:18 AM | [She woke up one morning and decided she didn't want to be married anymore, she told me that it wasn't my fault and that she lost her identity and needed to find herself again.She says she wants to remain friends and she is moving out to Texas "to find herself again"]
First thing you need to do is make sure you protect your own interests. Do not give that woman one red cent over what the law allows. Second -- do not remain "friends". You will find her a friend in need and she will take advantage if she can. If she were a decent person, she would expect nothing from you but her personal belongings and heirlooms from her family. I bet she never worked after you were married, either.
It is women like her that give the rest of us a bad rep.
One other thing . . . this is NOT a mid life crisis. It is just someone looking for something else. Period. | |
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